Hilda is chasing Zelda down the stairs, at their house. Zelda is holding a suitcase, and Salem is on the couch.
HILDA
Oh, please, please, please!
ZELDA
No! How many times do I have to tell you? I will not flamenco dance at the coffeehouse.
HILDA
But I need an act to fill up my Friday night showcase! And when you twirl in your red-ruffled skirt you look so serico suava.
ZELDA
Sorry senorita, but I quit flamenco when Queen Isabella caught me fandangoing with Ferdinand.
HILDA
Alright, how about a hula? A hora? A Mexican Hat Dance? I'll slip a flask of Tequila in your sombrero.
ZELDA
I'm late for my gamma ray graduate seminar. Find another sucker. (walks out)
HILDA (after Zelda)
Where?
SALEM (on the couch singing)
# Moon river...
HILDA (walking over)
Forget it. You are not singing at the coffeehouse.
SALEM
OK...how about comedy? How about juggling?
HILDA
How about putting a sock in it?
SALEM
That's it. I'll be a mine. Wanna see my do my trapped in a box?
HILDA
I thought you'd never ask.
With a grin, Hilda zaps Salem trapped inside a box.
SALEM (V/O)
A couple of air holes, please!
***
OPENING CREDITS
***
Sabrina walks into the journalism class, and finds Roxie pouring herself a coffee.
SABRINA
Roxie, what are you doing here?
ROXIE
Metabolising glucose. I didn't know you were into journalism.
SABRINA
Well, maybe if we ever had a real conversation...
ROXIE
Why spoil what works?
SABRINA (pouring herself a coffee)
You know, I have to get over this whole functional-behaviour kick. So what do you want to do for the school paper?
ROXIE
Same kind of hard-hitting reporting I did for my high school newspaper. I did an expose on two seniors who turned out to be white supremacists.
SABRINA
Oh, well, I uncovered a carjacking ring that was working football games. (she and Roxie walk over to the desk) And, I busted the cafeteria for selling expired yoghurt.
ROXIE
Expired yoghurt?
SABRINA
Yeah, have you ever tasted a carton of mouldy strawberry-peach?
PROFESSOR HOPKINS
OK, everybody sit down so that we can get started. (Roxie, Sabrina and the rest of the class sit at their places) OK, you're all here because you want to write for the Adam's Advocate. If you want to write, you need to bring me stories that are provocative and different. Most of you will just be pestering small businesses to buy ad space.
ROXIE (to Sabrina)
I didn't come to college to solicit nail salons and pizza joints.
SABRINA
I didn't fight the war on yoghurt to end up with a desk job.
PROFESSOR HOPKINS (to Sabrina and Roxie)
Looks like the two of you are already planning your first article. Why don't you chatterboxes team up?
SABRINA (raising her hand)
Actually, I prefer to write solo.
ROXIE
I'd prefer if she write solo too.
PROFESSOR HOPKINS
Everyone will be writing with a partner. The two best stories go in the paper. The rest will go in the trash.
SABRINA (to Roxie)
Well, you know if it's any consolation I head that Woodward didn't like working with Burnstein.
ROXIE
It's no consolation whatsoever.
***
Hilda walks into the empty coffeehouse to find Salem sat up on a table playing the drums.
SALEM
The endless cycle of naked truth spins yellow. Madness! It's like crazy, man.
HILDA
Salem, what are you doing here?
SALEM
Auditioning.
HILDA
I can't have cats in the coffeehouse.
SALEM
But I'm a hepcat. I hang out in the coffeehouses all the time. You dig? (Hilda zaps him into a big pile of sand) That's deep, daddy-o.
***
Sabrina and Roxie are in their kitchen. Roxie has a bowl of popcorn and there are two glasses of liquid on the bench.
SABRINA
OK, here's out article. We go to the Adam's College art festival and we interview one of the potters.
ROXIE
There's a newsflash. Clay.
SABRINA (she and Roxie walking over to the table)
You're right. OK, how about this? We do a story on the lack of public transportation. I mean, there are never enough buses to get the students from campus to downtown. (Roxie gives her a look) Listen to me, I'm pitching a story about buses.
ROXIE
I've got it. The pervasive paranoia and depression in American society, visa-a-vis, the end of human existence as we know it.
SABRINA (unobvious sarcasm)
Too light and bubbly.
***
Hilda is sitting on the table in hers and Zelda's kitchen, talking on the phone.
HILDA
Mr Wayne Newton, please. Hilda. Of Hilda's Coffeehouse. Yes, I'll hold. Dunkashane! (resting the phone on her shoulder) This is gonna' be so fabulous. Everybody loves Wayne Newton. (raising the phone to her ear again) What do you mean he's out of town forever? You tell that pompadour lounge lizard that he is no Paul Anka...and that I am never having his baby! (puts down the phone) Who am I gonna' get now?
Hilda looks over as she hears Salem, who has a tutti-frutti hat on, sitting on the counter beginning a musical number.
SALEM
# Yaow!! I'm the cat in the tutti-frutti hat. All the pretty senoritas go for that. Aye-aye-aye-aye!
HILDA (approaching Salem)
Lucy, how many times I have to tell you? You can't be in the show!
SALEM (whimpering)
But, Ricky!
HILDA
Salem, you really think college girls are gonna' go for cats in South American drag?
SALEM
I do alright. Now be honest, am I any worse than the other acts you saw today?
HILDA
No, and you were definitely better than the gangster gynaecologist. But, I still can't book you.
SALEM (correcting her)
Don't want to book me.
HILDA
Don't split hairs, OK? (sitting down) I still have a headache from notorious G.Y.N.
***
Sabrina is walking along with her Aunt Zelda in the Adam's College hallways.
SABRINA
Aunt Zelda, Roxie and I have to write a hot article for the Adam's Advocate, any ideas?
ZELDA
As a matter of fact, I just heard something very exciting.
SABRINA
I knew you'd be a big help.
ZELDA (excited)
New measurements of deuterium at the centre of the Milky-Way confirm theoretical models that deuterium, a heavy isotope of hydrogen, containing one proton and one neutron is primordial.
SABRINA (tuts)
That's been done to death.
Sabrina looks over and joins Roxie in the opposite corridor.
ROXIE
So, what did you aunt say?
SABRINA
Let's just be glad we're not in her physics class. (they start walking) Let's face it. We have no story, we're never gonna' get on the paper!
Sabrina and Roxie's roommate Morgan comes crashing into them.
MORGAN
(to another person) OK, I'll see you later, bye...(bumps into Roxie) Hey, out of my way, I am late for something important. (walks to the corner)
ROXIE
Let me guess, emergency moustache bleaching?
MORGAN
Don't be ridiculous. Pumpkin facial. All the rushees in my sorority are giving them to the actives. (waving her necklace) Then they're polishing our pearls!
Morgan walks off, Sabrina and Roxie continue in the opposite direction.
SABRINA
Don't you hate being saddled with a brain? Wait a minute, that's it, that's our article.
ROXIE
Smart people?
SABRINA
No, no, no. Sororities.
ROXIE
Shallow people.
SABRINA
Right. And yet, most girls would do anything to join a sorority. Why would shallow people so badly want to connect with other shallow people?
ROXIE
We'll ask Morgan the next time we see her.
SABRINA
You don't get it out. Our story is, "Sorority Girls: Society's Lost Souls".
ROXIE
Pampered...pearled...pathetic. I like it.
SABRINA
Thank you. Here's what I propose. We get the scoop by going undercover as sorority rushees.
ROXIE
Me in a sweater set and a pleated skirt? I can't think of anything more ridiculous.
***
Sabrina and Roxie are in the Mu Pi sorority house, on rush night, dressed in matching clothing. Roxie is looking at herself.
ROXIE
Don't you dare tell anyone you saw me in a sweater set.
SABRINA (smirking)
OK, but it's gonna' cost you.
Another of the rushees, Lyn, walks by Roxie.
LYNN
Cute outfit. (continues on)
ROXIE
Great. They think I'm one of them.
SABRINA
Good, now let's see if you can sound like them. Talk about yourself.
ROXIE
I got Lyme disease.
SABRINA
We're gonna' have to work on that.
Mindy Shiveley, who is in charge of the rushees, approaches Sabrina and Roxie, holding out her hand for Roxie to shake.
MINDY
Hi. I'm Mindy Shiveley, rush chairman for Mu Pi.
Roxie stares at Mindy for a moment, but Sabrina gives her an energy booster with the ping of her magic finger.
ROXIE (overexcited; shaking Mindy's hand)
Hi, I'm Roxie, this is Sabrina, and we're so incredibly excited to be here and meet you and meet everybody and say hello and see the house and rush. And gosh, it's all so exciting, I don't know what to say.
SABRINA
Aargh, maybe you should take it down a notch.
On Sabrina's ping, Sabrina and Roxie head over in the direction of the snack table. Morgan walks over to them.
MORGAN
Hi, Sabrina. I'm glad you decided to rush. (to Roxie) Oh, what are you doing here?
ROXIE
Believe me, I'm asking myself the same question.
SABRINA
Aargh, what she means is, she can't wait for the first pyjama party.
MINDY (at the front)
Could I please have everyone's attention? I'd like to welcome all the rushees.
SABRINA (to Roxie)
That's us, look alive.
Sabrina ushers Roxie over with the rest of the group who are gathered around Mindy.
MINDY
And a special thanks to Hope and Bethany for providing these delicious but oh so naughty cinnamon snaps.
The group give a round of applause.
SABRINA (under her breath to Roxie)
Suck up's, why didn't we think of that?
MINDY (as the applause comes down)
And now, to get us into the Mu Pi spirit, why don't we all sing the Mu Pi song?
ROXIE (to Sabrina)
I'd rather have a colonoscopy.
SABRINA
I think they save that for the big spring mixer.
MINDY
And:
The rushees are now in a circle and do some tiny movements with their arms as they all chime in and start singing. Roxie and Sabrina struggle with it all, and Morgan eyes them closely.
RUSHEES (singing)
# We're the Mu Pi peaches,
From the desert to the beaches.
We always aim to please...
...and we love our wine and cheese.
***
At the coffeehouse, Hilda is sitting at a table at the front, clapping after hearing a folk-guitar player audition for her talent showcase.
HILDA
Oh, you're fantastic! I'm putting you in Friday night at nine-fifteen. Maybe nine-twenty. It depends when the Israeli guy finishes reading jabberwocky.
GUITARIST
That's great, but I can't agree to anything until you've talked to my agent. (hands Hilda a card)
HILDA (reading the card)
Salem Saberhagen, C.A.T.?
GUITARIST
Creative Acts and Talents. He's handled a lot of performers from the Other Realm.
HILDA
Salem is a convicted felon. He can't be an agent. Well, I suppose he could.
GUITARIST
I really think Salem's gonna' boost my career.
HILDA
Maybe you'll be the next Morty Ponder.
GUITARIST
Who?
HILDA
Exactly.
***
Back at the Mu Pi house on rush night, the crowds have gone their different ways. Sabrina is standing in front of Roxie snacking on a cinnamon snap.
SABRINA
These cinnamon snaps are awesome.
ROXIE
Enough with the cookies. We've got an article to write. Let's go expose some airheads.
SABRINA
Let's do sound check.
ROXIE (talking into her top where a tape recorder is strapped in)
Testing, one, two, three.
SABRINA (holding her tape recorder)
Four, five, six. We're live. Victoria's got a new secret.
ROXIE
Let's split up.
SABRINA
Roger that. But let's meet at the cinnamon snaps in an hour.
ROXIE
Would you stop with the cinnamon snaps?
Roxie walks off in the opposite direction to Sabrina. Sabrina approaches Lynn, the rushee who complimented Roxie's clothing earlier.
SABRINA
Hi, I'm Sabrina.
LYNN
I'm Lynn. Are you as excited as I am about rushing Mu Pi?
SABRINA
Ecstatic. I hear more Mu Pi's graduate with engagement rings than any other house.
LYNN
That's why you're here? To meet a husband?
SABRINA
Yeah. Aren't you?
LYNN
No. My education comes first. I want to do well in school so I can have a successful career.
SABRINA
Which will make you even more attractive to your future husband.
LYNN
I don't mean to sound judgemental, but isn't that a little shallow?
Sabrina responds with a shied look on her face.
Roxie is over in the other corner laughing with another of the rushees, Nancy.
ROXIE
So, long story short, my parents and I argued all year about which Mercedes they should buy me. I'm sure you can relate.
NANCY
Actually, I'm on a scholarship. I live at home and take the bus, which isn't bad, but sometimes there's a bus shortage.
ROXIE
Bus shortage? (walking off) A smart person would've written an article about that.
Roxie turns in the opposite path of Sabrina, who is talking to another rushee at the snack table.
SABRINA
So what are you looking forward to most about being a Mu Pie? Like doing your toenails with the other girls, or highlighting each other's hair. (chuckle)
FELICE
Actually, I want to get involved in their Volunteer America Program.
SABRINA
Oh, where you volunteer to give manicures to the less fortunate?
FELICE
Um, no...where they feed the homeless and read to the blind.
SABRINA (almost indistinct)
I was afraid of that.
Roxie is over talking to Gloria, another of the rushees.
ROXIE
So you're into horses? There's a surprise. I'll bet you've got the boots, the jodhpurs and that little (waves her hand around) whippy thing?
GLORIA
No, I intern doing equestrian riding therapy for disabled children.
ROXIE
But you wear a silly bonnet, right? (Gloria shakes her head) Come on, give me something. I've got nothing here.
***
Later on, as the crowds of rushees start filing out, Sabrina and Roxie are standing by the snack table. Sabrina has a cinnamon snap.
ROXIE (referring to their investigation)
Boy, are we out of luck.
SABRINA
Yeah, tell me about it. This is the last cinnamon snap, and Bethany is not parting with that recipe.
ROXIE
I'm talking about the story. We don't have one. These girls are great. What they do is great.
SABRINA
So, we'll do a different story. We'll write about how nice and sweet these sorority girls really are.
ROXIE
I'd rather solicit pizza parlours.
SABRINA (as they go to the coat rack)
You may get your wish.
As Sabrina and Roxie walk over to the coat rack, they find Lynn standing at the staircase putting on hers.
LYNN
It was nice meeting you two. I guess I'll see you both Thursday night?
SABRINA
Oh, what's Thursday night?
LYNN
Study night. We meet here at eight o'clock.
ROXIE (sarcastic)
How precious. We all get together and do our homework.
LYNN
Oh, not quite. We all get together and do the seniors' homework.
SABRINA (taken by surprise)
What? Isn't that cheating?
LYNN
If you don't do it, you don't get into Mu Pi. (as she exits) Bye.
SABRINA (to Roxie; as Lynn is gone, a broad grin on her face)
I think we got our story.
***
Sabrina and Roxie are still in the Mu Pi house, they walk over behind the hallway underneath the stairwell so as not to be heard.
SABRINA [CONT'D]
A homework cheating ring?
ROXIE
This is big.
SABRINA
This is really big, like really, really, really big.
ROXIE
FYI, when we right the article, I'm in charge of adjectives.
SABRINA
This is huge, we're talking front page stuff here. I mean, with this article, we could change the course of history.
Sabrina is having a fantasy in her mind. She and Roxie are receiving an award for their article. They are dressed in old fashioned clothes. The picture is black and white.
ANNOUNCER (V/O)
It's news on the march! Pearled menace taken down. Sabrina Spellman and Roxie King win the Pulitzer prize for blowing the lid off decades-old cheating ring.
SABRINA
We caught these dames red-handed. It's bye-bye, Mu Pi. Say fellas', get a load of these gams. (flexes her thigh)
It cuts back to the present, Sabrina is indeed showing off her thigh to Roxie.
ROXIE
Sabrina, is there any particular reason you're showing me your thighs?
SABRINA
Oh, urgh...(pulling her skirt back up)...yeah, you know, I've been working out a lot lately.
ROXIE
Let's start working out our plan to bust Mu Pi. All we have now is hearsay.
SABRINA
True. We will not be able to write word one until we have (checks them off on her finger) evidence, witnesses, and quotes.
ROXIE
So our mission on Thursday is to come back and gather all the hard facts.
SABRINA (having a joke)
Yeah. We'll call in the boys from the precinct, we'll throw these peaches in the paddy wagon and you and I will put on the ritz and paint this town red.
ROXIE
I'll tell you what. I'll do the writing, you jitterbug for the troops. (turns away)
***
Salem is on the counter in Hilda and Zelda's kitchen with a headphone communication device strapped around his head. Hilda is pacing around in front of him.
SALEM
Hilda, sweetheart, I love you, you know that, but I only have so much wiggle room on this guitarist. I'm getting pressure from all sides.
HILDA (standing still)
What sides? It's you and a couple of business cards you printed up at Kinko's! Why do you even want to be an agent anyway?
SALEM
You wouldn't let me perform, so now I have to sponge up the talent of others. My client gets ten grand a night. Take it or leave it!
HILDA (starting to get mad)
It's a showcase. (yelling into his ears) Performers work for tips!
SALEM
OK...three hundred bucks and a pound of lox.
HILDA
Two bucks and a can of Starkist and that is my final offer.
SALEM
Ssshh! I'm on the phone with the coast. Jeffrey...Steven...David! I can't believe I got all three of you boy chicks on the line!
HILDA (taking the headphones)
There's no one on the line.
SALEM
At the end of the day who's gonna' remember?
HILDA
I will. I have it with you!
SALEM
I've had it with you!
ZELDA (walking in through dining room)
I've had it with both of you! This has gone on long enough. OK, here's the deal. (pointing at Salem) Your guitarist gets ten bucks a show. (pointing at Hilda) Salem gets a fish stick. If it's a packed house, a side of tartar sauce.
HILDA
Fine.
SALEM
Alright. Let's close this thing. I've got a lunch with the Budweiser Ferret.
Hilda turns to Zelda with a pretty cheesed off expression on her face, Zelda returns it with a mere shrug.
***
Sabrina and Roxie discreetly enter the Mu Pi sorority house on study night. There is already some rushees spread out across the room, their heads down in books.
ROXIE (referring to Sabrina's tape recorder)
Did you put in fresh batteries?
SABRINA
Yeah, I'm packing two Ds, and believe me, that is the first time I've ever said that.
Mindy approaches them holding two pieces of paper.
MINDY
Hey Sabrina, hey Roxie. Welcome to study night. Here are you assignments. Sabrina, you're gonna' be doing Karen's homework (hands her a paper) and Roxie, you're gonna' be doing mine (hands Roxie a paper).
ROXIE (looking at the paper)
But I don't know anything about the Punic Wars.
MINDY
Neither do I. (Sabrina and Roxie follow her in front of the filing cabinet) That's why we keep a comprehensive file of all the papers written at Adam's.
SABRINA
Um, so, what you're saying, Mindy T. Shiveley, is that...in order for us to become Mu Pi members, we need to do your...
Sabrina stops talking when she interrupted by a continual clicking coming from her top...it's her tape recorder!
SABRINA (under her breath to Roxie)
Crap!
MINDY
What's that?
SABRINA
What?
MINDY
That clicking, it sounds like it's coming from your top.
SABRINA
Aargh, it is...coming from my top...(improvising)...jaw. I have click jaw. Yeah, in high school they used to call me ClickJaw McGraw.
ROXIE (as Mindy sits down)
Now, back to us doing, your homework.
SABRINA (reaching into her top)
Yeah, Mindy T. Shiveley...(her tape recorder falls out into Mindy's arms)...aw!
MINDY
What is this?
SABRINA (improvising)
Oh! Oh my gosh, my pacemaker fell out, I am so suing that heart surgeon!
MINDY
It's a tape recorder. What are you doing with a tape recorder?
SABRINA
That's a very good question.
ROXIE
And, she has a very good answer. (nudges Sabrina)
SABRINA
Yeah, I do...I use it. Aargh, you know, in my classes, to tape my lectures. It's so small and comfortable I almost forget I'm wearing it.
MINDY
Hey Felice, look at this.
Mindy holds out the tape recorder and Felice, another rushee, comes over and takes it. Sabrina and Roxie follow after it.
SABRINA
Aargh, aargh...I know it looks strange, but...
FELICE
Oh, that is so adorable.
SABRINA
...strangely adorable.
MINDY (laughs)
Yeah, yeah, I love it.
FELICE (to Sabrina)
And it goes with your shoes.
ROXIE (anxiously)
And you never want to break up a set. Now can you please give it back to her?
FELICE
Sure, right after I show it to Bethany. (taking it over to another girl) Check it out!
SABRINA (she and Roxie following)
Oh, excuse me, I need that back. (Bethany takes it and shows it to someone else, Sabrina and Roxie follow) You know what, it's not a toy. OK, family heirloom...(it eventually is passed onto Gloria)...it's very fragile!
GLORIA
(standing with the tape recorder) Oh, I have to have one of these. Where's the play button, I wanna' hear how it sounds.
SABRINA
Oh no you don't.
GLORIA
Why not?
SABRINA
Because...tell them, Roxie.
ROXIE
Because, if you hear what it sounds like now you won't be surprised later when you get your own. (Sabrina takes the tape recorder from Gloria) Excuse us. (drags Sabrina away) That was close. (Sabrina is putting the tape recorder back in her top) Are you securely fastened now?
SABRINA
Yeah, ready for takeoff.
Sabrina goes and joins Lynn and Nancy at a table. Roxie turns off in the opposite direction.
SABRINA
Hey, Lynn. Hi, Nancy.
LYNN
Sabrina.
NANCY
How's it going?
SABRINA
Oh, not so great, can you believe these girls expect us to do their homework?
LYNN
Oh, it's a drag. But if we want in, we have no choice.
SABRINA
Well, we could join a different story, or not join one at all.
NANCY
I have to join. It's the one chance I'll ever have in life to fit in.
LYNN
Four generations of women in my family have been Mu Pi's. If I don't join, I'll be the black sheep.
SABRINA
So, is it fair to say that the Mu Pi sorority is taking advantage of your family pressure, Lynn, and your total lack of self-esteem, Nancy?
NANCY
Well you don't have to put it like that.
SABRINA
Well, I just feel like doing the Mu Pi sister's homework is not only wrong, but completely unethical.
LYNN
I guess...but on the upside, the house does do a lot of positive work in the community.
NANCY
Plus, we get to make a lot of really good friends, like you and Roxie.
SABRINA (guiltily)
Me and Roxie?
NANCY
Yeah. We would have never met you guys if we hadn't decided to rush. You're really nice. I mean, you're super nice.
SABRINA
Thanks. I think the "super" part might be pushing it, but...
LYNN
Well, you know, we better get started on this homework. With any luck, I'll have time to do my own.
Sabrina runs over to Roxie.
ROXIE
Well, I've got all I need. Mu Pi is gonna' fry!
***
Later on, Sabrina and Roxie are in their room, Roxie madly typing away on her laptop at the desk and Sabrina pacing around behind her chair.
ROXIE
This is definitely gonna' put us on staff. We'll be editors by the end of the year.
SABRINA (after a pause)
I don't wanna' right the story.
ROXIE (standing)
What are you talking about?
SABRINA
Well, a lot of people could get hurt of kicked out of college.
ROXIE
I didn't hot-wire my bra so you could back out at the last minute. This is journalism. You right the truth and let the chips fall where they may.
SABRINA
But what if the chips destroy somebody?
ROXIE (nodding)
I think I'm beginning to understand who Sabrina Spellman is. You can't handle the truth!
SABRINA
I can handle the truth! ...I just can't handle the guilt.
***
Roxie is lying on her bed, Sabrina is pacing around.
SABRINA
Roxie, we have to consider the ramifications. These girls could get thrown out of school. Then their parents may never talk to them again. And then what's gonna' happen to the kids? I mean, you saw Girl, Interrupted. Murder, mayhem...major box-office disappointment.
ROXIE
I'm sure there's a valid point in there somewhere.
SABRINA
On the other hand, if we want to be responsible journalists, we have to be willing to make the tough calls.
ROXIE
Whatever call we make, we better make it fast. We've got a deadline.
***
A little while later, Sabrina and Roxie are both lying on Roxie's bed, Roxie yawning.
SABRINA
But if we don't write the article, we could wake up one day with no careers, living in lousy apartments and kick ourselves for not taking advantage of a great opportunity. Ultimately we have to ask ourselves: what do we wanna' be? Compassionate, but broke, or gutsy living in penthouses overlooking Central Park?
ROXIE
Are we writing the article or not? Yes or no?
SABRINA
Ask me in an hour. (they both rest their heads down)
***
The next morning, Sabrina and Roxie are at the kitchen table reading from Roxie's laptop.
SABRINA (reading)
Anyway you slice it the Mu Pi cheating scandal taints not only the sorority itself, but the entire Greek system. It is incumbent upon us to abolish these outdating hazing practices and return to the true spirit of sisterhood to our sororities.
ROXIE
Brilliant. That's what we're handing in.
SABRINA
I think we made the right decision.
ROXIE
And if you change your mind (takes out her tape recorder), I've got it on tape.
Morgan comes in through the front door holding the newspaper.
MORGAN
Hi.
Morgan reaches down onto the table and picks up Roxie's bagel. Satisfied, she walks into the kitchen.
ROXIE
You came home just to eat my breakfast?
MORGAN
That, and, I'm looking for someone to write my paper on Hemingway. What is there to say about a model turned actress?
SABRINA (laughing)
I'm pretty sure they meant Ernest.
ROXIE
What happened? I thought your Mu Pi lackeys were handling your academic needs.
MORGAN
Oh, didn't you hear? Some goodie two shoes named Lynn rallied all the other rushees to take a stand against the homework thing. They're not doing it.
SABRINA
You're kidding! (walks over to the bench; Roxie soon follows)
MORGAN
The Boston Times, does not kid. (hands the paper to Sabrina) Somebody obviously talked. I'm glad you two weren't involved. (walks away; turns back) Oh, by the way, next time, don't get powdered. It sticks to my lip gloss. (continues on upstairs)
SABRINA (reading the newspaper)
Cheating Scandal Exposed at Adam's Sorority. Rusheees Launch Protest and Stand Up for Themselves.
ROXIE
Let me see that. (snatches the paper from Sabrina)
SABRINA
Do you know why the women of Mu Pi stood up for themselves? Because of me, Sabrina Spellman, I made an impact. I reached out to those girls and I touched their lives.
ROXIE
You touched my life too.
SABRINA
I did, how?
ROXIE
Thanks to you, I've got no story. The Boston Times scooped us and now we've got nothing.
SABRINA (following Roxie to the lounge room)
Wow, you're right. Um...what should we do?
ROXIE
Sabrina, you should've thought about that before you took all night to make up your mind. If we had come right home and written the story, we would have made last night's deadline and scooped the Times.
SABRINA
Is that all that you care about, the glory?
ROXIE
I don't want the glory. I...I just want credit for the work that I put in. (she and Sabrina sit down on the sofa)
SABRINA
You have the credit, the credit is knowing in your heart you made a difference. Let me ask you something. When you wrote those hard-hitting stories in high school, what was the point? To nail the white supremacists or to get your name on the front page?
ROXIE
OK...maybe it's good that they did the right thing. And that we were the ones that inspired them.
SABRINA
I think in the long run, we're gonna' be very proud of what we did.
ROXIE
I hate it when you're right.
SABRINA
I love it when I'm right. (pause) And one good thing did come out of this.
ROXIE
If you mention cinnamon snaps again, I'll ring your neck.
SABRINA
What I was gonna' say was...we discovered the two of us make a pretty good team.
ROXIE
Yeah, I guess we do. Unfortunately, we still have no story.
SABRINA
Well, I'll tell you what we do have. Two plaid skirts we'll never wear again, two-stretched out bras...and, urgh...(reaching into her top)...the recipe for those things I'm not supposed to mention...
Roxie gives Sabrina a playful hit, and they both laugh.
***
Sabrina walks in through the back door at her aunts' house, and into the kitchen. Zelda is at the table clearing up after breakfast. Salem is on the bench.
SABRINA
Hey, great news. You're looking at Sabrina Spellman, college reporter. Roxie and I made the paper! (hands Zelda the paper)
ZELDA
That's fantastic honey, what did you end up writing about? (she and Sabrina sit)
SABRINA
We did an entertainment review. The journalism teacher said he loved its hard hitting honesty.
ZELDA
Well, that's wonderful.
HILDA (walking through)
What's wonderful?
ZELDA
Oh, nothing you'd be interested in. (trying to hide the paper from Hilda)
HILDA
Oh, let me see. (takes the paper from Zelda; gasps as she reads it) I see the name Sabrina in the byline. (reading) "The Coffeehouse Showcase: Grounds For Staying Home"...every Friday night, Hilda serves up hot coffee and lukewarm entertainment. (pacing) The debut was a travesty, from the Jabberwocky reading paratrooper to the tone-deaf singing ferret...(to Salem)...thank you! (she is now sitting at the bench beside Salem)
SALEM (a cigarette sticking out of his mouth)
The kid was just nervous! It was his first time on stage.
HILDA
I can't believe you trashed my showcase. How could you do this to me? You've ruined my reputation.
SABRINA
Keep reading.
HILDA (reading)
"Although the talent was sub-par, the lovely hostess Hilda Spellman, was a cup of pure delight. (paces over to the table and stands beside Zelda) Warm, inviting, and charming to the last drop." Sabrina, this is great, did you read this?
SABRINA
Yeah, I wrote it.
ZELDA
Charming to the last drop. But one bean short of a pound.
Sabrina smiles.
***
CLOSING CREDITS
***
Based on characters appearing in ARCHIE COMICS
Episode originally written by Laurie Gelman
