Sabrina walks over holding the coffeepot, to a girl sitting by herself in the coffeehouse dreamily staring away.
SABRINA
Hey, want a fresh cup of the Guatemalan? (spots the guy Pam is staring at) Obviously you prefer the Venezuelan (sits down) Well, why don't you go talk to him?
PAM
I can't just go up and introduce myself to a guy I don't even know. What if he's not interested in me?
SABRINA
Well, you'll never know, unless you go say hello, or hola, you know, your choice.
Pam gets up and goes to approach the guy on the couch. But as she gets closer she looses her courage and quickly goes back to her seat.
PAM
I can't do it. (to Sabrina) Just bring me something with a lot of chocolate and leave me alone.
Sabrina sighs as she goes over to Josh.
SABRINA
Some people in here are so pathetic.
JOSH
What can we do? Hilda's our boss. But once we graduate, we'll never have to see her again. Well, you might have too. She's your Aunt.
Sabrina follows Josh around as they go collecting cups from tables.
SABRINA
I'm talking about our single customers. I wish there was some way we could bring them together. You know, you're a nice guy, you're a nice girl. Now go get a blood test and a mortgage.
JOSH
You know, I've heard of these parties where singles get paired up for, like, five minutes at a time. If they click, they exchange phone numbers. If they don't, they move on to the next person.
SABRINA
Five minute dates? That is so unromantic. But what a time saver.
Hilda is over at a table by a couch using tongs to put the rubbish left by customers into a carry bin.
HILDA
Ew, ew, ew. Are you people trying to disgust me?
Sabrina and Josh walk over to her.
SABRINA
Aunt Hilda, Josh and I wanna' turn the coffeehouse into a singles meeting place.
HILDA
Great. Then maybe I'll finally meet someone, dump this joint, and never have to see this people again. (to Sabrina, she picks up the rubbish bin) Well, I may have to see you again. You are my niece.
SABRINA (she and Josh following Hilda)
No, Aunt Hilda, the mixers wouldn't be for you. They'd be for the college kids.
HILDA
Ugh, everything is for kids. Movies, fashion, penne pasta. What was so wrong with an egg noodle?
JOSH
We'll charge five dollars a head and you'll get half.
SABRINA
Wait, wait, we're charging for this?
JOSH
Absolutely. People are desperate for love and they're willing to pay big bucks for it.
SABRINA (sarcastic)
Great idea, Josh. Now all you need is a big white hat and a purple Eldorado.
HILDA
Don't be so cynical, Sabrina. In a cold and alienating world, it's a wonderful thing to bring people together. (to Josh) I'll play hostess and do stand-up for sixty percent of the gross.
JOSH
I'll give you sixty five to take the night off.
HILDA
Deal. (walks off)
SABRINA
You know, Josh, I like the idea of helping out our single customers, but I'm not sure about charging five bucks.
JOSH
Are you kidding me? These schmoes play double that to sit alone in a cold, dark Cineplex. At least here they have a shot at looking at someone besides Helen Hunt.
SABRINA
I'm sold.
JOSH
And whatever money we make, we'll put towards a really nice dinner for the two of us.
SABRINA
You had me at Helen Hunt.
Josh walks off. Sabrina turns around and watches Pam stare at the cute guy from the couch as he leaves.
SABRINA
Poor thing. She'll never get up the courage to make a move. (incanting a spell) Girl needs a guy who catches her eye, make her less shy when he walks by.
Sabrina zaps her finger at Pam, and suddenly she looks up and blinks. As Sabrina goes over to collect some dishes from the coffee table in the middle, Harvey comes down and approaches her.
HARVEY
Hey, Sabrina.
SABRINA
Harvey.
HARVEY
I was in the neighbourhood and decided to drop by.
SABRINA
Oh, I'm glad you did. You know, it's great to see you. So, do you wanna' sit down and catch up?
Pam, who has been secretly sneaking up from behind, steps forward and pushes Sabrina out of the way onto the couch so that she can see Harvey.
PAM
Hi, I don't usually do things like this, but I'm Pam, and I think you're cute.
HARVEY
Thanks. I'm Harvey, and I think you're cute too.
PAM
Do you wanna' go out and grab something to eat?
HARVEY
I'd love to. Uh, then afterwards, we can check out one of the new Helen Hunt movies. (waving at Sabrina) See you, Sabrina.
Sabrina returns the wave to Harvey as he and Pam head for the door.
SABRINA (to herself)
They're lucky. Next week that would have cost them five bucks.
***
OPENING CREDITS
***
Zelda stands up from her seat at the dining room table holding a piece of paper when Hilda walks in.
ZELDA
Hilda, I just opened our Visa bill. How could you spend three thousand dollars on World War II memorabilia?
HILDA
What are you talking about? You know I'm a Boer War kind of gal.
ZELDA
Well, if these aren't your Visa charges, and they're not my Visa charges, then whose are they?
Zelda and Hilda turn as they overhear Salem in the kitchen, speaking Japanese. They walk in on him sitting on the table, speaking into the phone.
SALEM
The name on the card is Hilda Spellman.
Salem speaks in Japanese for a sentence or two as Hilda and Zelda step in front of him. As he finishes, Zelda hits the hang up button.
ZELDA (to Salem)
Just what do you think you're doing?
SALEM (about what he is wearing)
I know the kimono's a little gauche, but it's so dang silky.
ZELDA
I'm talking about my credit card.
SALEM
Oh, that. Just making a little impulse buy. The future Mrs. Myoshi Saberhagen ships in two weeks.
HILDA
You bought a mail-order bride? Dummy, what are you gonna' do when a Japanese woman shows up and sees that her number-one American husband is a cat?
SALEM
When she sees the engagement ring you bought her with your Discover card, she won't care.
Salem laughs as he jumps down from the table and runs out the back door.
ZELDA (to Hilda)
Can you believe the nerve of that mangy little fur ball, stealing from us and then flaunting it. (the toaster rings and a parcel pops up) When was the last time actual toast came out of that thing? (taking out the parcel) Oh, it's for you, from the Other Realm department of Justice.
Zelda passes the parcel to her sister.
HILDA
Justice? That can't be good.
Hilda taps at the parcel and a mid-aged man suddenly comes flying from the bottom. He gets to his feet and looks over Hilda.
HARRY (to Hilda)
Oh, you're looking fine.
HILDA
Well, I was feeling fine until you showed up. What do you want, Harry?
HARRY
A date for New Year's. And, to read this (reads from a papyrus): "Hilda Spellman, as a gesture of amnesty, the outgoing president of the Witch's Council pardons you and everyone else involved in the Witchwater scandal".
HILDA
Oh, that's fantastic! (turning to Zelda) I've been pardoned. I knew buying his wife that spa weekend would pay off.
HARRY
The bottom line is you're no longer required to feed, clothe and house Salem Saberhagen. The feline felon will be assigned a new halfway house.
HILDA (taken aback)
Salem won't be living with us anymore?
ZELDA
Hilda, have you forgotten? He's a hardened criminal who led a bloody insurrection to try to take over the world.
HILDA
Everyone makes a mistake now and then.
HARRY
I suppose, if you really wanna' keep him...
Salem runs in from the back door and jumps up onto the table.
SALEM
Zelda, my Fancy Feast has lumps. And so does my litter box. Hilda, roll up your sleeves and start scooping.
HILDA (to Harry)
Book him, Danno.
On Hilda's indication, Harry zaps Salem and he suddenly becomes restrained by the neck. The two of them disappear in a cascade of orange bubbles. Hilda starts pacing opposite Zelda.
HILDA
Zelda, he's gone. We'll never see Salem again. (laughs with relief) Free at last!
ZELDA
Free at last!
HILDA
Thank God Almighty.
HILDA/ZELDA
We're free at last!
Hilda and Zelda link arms and start dancing around.
***
Sabrina is hanging up a poster advertising the singles night at the coffeehouse on the notice board in the corridor at Adam's. Roxie comes over.
ROXIE
Hey, what's that for?
SABRINA (she and Roxie walk along)
Josh and I are throwing a singles party at the coffeehouse. I'm sure you think it's stupid.
ROXIE
I haven't been on a date in five months. (takes a flyer) I can live with stupid.
Roxie heads off in the opposite direction.
SABRINA
Well, there's no motivation like desperation.
Sabrina walks past Miles, who is trying to chat up a very nice looking lady.
MILES
OK, so I'm watching Deep Space Nine. It was, uh, this cool episode, uh...(the girl walks off and he calls after her)...about the Borg.
Sabrina walks to Miles' side with her flyers.
SABRINA
Well, she wasn't your type anyway.
MILES
Yeah, I usually strike out with the normal human ones. Let's face it, I'm never gonna' meet a girl.
SABRINA
Yes, you are. Lots of them. (hands Miles a poster)
MILES
Why should I pay five dollars to get rejected when I do it so well for free?
SABRINA
Well, for every girl that says no, you're that much closer to the one that'll say yes. Dating is a numbers game.
MILES
So, getting rejected by twenty girls in one night is a good thing?
SABRINA
Yeah, and for only five bucks, it's a bargain.
Sabrina gives him a playful tap on the shoulder as she walks off. Miles stares after her.
***
Hilda and Zelda are upstairs in the cupboard, packing away the remaining of Salem's things.
HILDA
I never realized what a pack rat Salem was.
ZELDA
It's amazing. He saved everything. Wrapping paper. Aluminium foil. (holding up a watch) My Cartier Watch.
HILDA
He needed something to go with your Ferragamo handbag. (Zelda takes the bag) Zellie, are you sure I did the right thing with Salem?
ZELDA
Yes, absolutely. He was evil, selfish and disgusting.
HILDA
You're right. Goodbye, and good riddance.
Hilda gasps as she shows Zelda small outfit on an even smaller coat hanger.
HILDA
But honestly, how cute was he when he wore this little outfit?
ZELDA
I loved his Shirley Temple phase. Remember how he'd put that on and sing "The Good Ship Lollipop"?
HILDA
That cat could really shuffle off to Buffalo. (pause) I do hope he lands someplace nice.
***
In the Other Realm, Dick and Doris, husband and wife, are sitting in their living room on the couch when Salem suddenly comes flying in, screaming, from above, as he lands abruptly on the coffee table.
DICK
Well, who are you?
SALEM
Salem Saberhagen, a.k.a "The Fist", a.k.a Mr Jullian.
DORIS (to Dick)
Oh, he must be the new parolee Harry said he was sending over.
SALEM
You are correct, Madame. But now, if you'll kindly show me to my quarters, I'd like to freshen up, before gorging on a nice ceviche appetizer.
Doris gets up and picks up Salem, and heads for the door.
DORIS
Of course you would. Yes.
Doris opens the back door, which reveals a metal door, which she opens and chucks Salem out. He shouts as he flies down. Doris zaps her finger behind him as she closes the door and turns back to Dick.
DICK
He seemed nice.
DORIS
Yes.
***
Salem comes flying from above and lands on top of a big carton of ribbons. Sewing machines are heard to be working quickly around him. He has landed in n underground prison labour camp.
SALEM
Uh-oh. (looking around) Something tells me this isn't the Good Ship Lollipop.
Salem is approached by the leader, a big, buff and tattooed all over man.
SNAKE
Welcome to Dick and Doris Prison Labour Camp. My name is Snake, and I'll be your dungeon master. Now, get sewing or you're gonna' be my lunch.
SALEM (whimpers)
But I don't know how to sew.
Snake growls at him, and Salem quickly jumps to the nearest table with a sewing machine.
SALEM
Just give me a minute to thread my bobbin.
***
Sabrina walks over through the crowds of people around the tables at the singles party in the coffeehouse, towards Josh, who is standing by the bell behind the counter.
SABRINA
This is going great. I mean, how cool would it be if everyone here got dates and singles night really took off?
JOSH
Very cool. (shows her some money) And very profitable. Sabrina, you and I have discovered a beautiful way to create meaningful, lasting relationships. (hits the bell and yells out) Switch!
As the bell dings off, the guys rotate to the next table. Josh and Sabrina watch one particular table.
STEVE
I'm Steve.
ERICA
I'm Erica.
The two of them shake hands.
STEVE
I know you, you're in my biology lab. I've been trying to get up the nerve to talk to you all semester.
ERICA
I've wanted to talk to you too. Well, let's find out if we're soul mates in the next four minutes and twenty seconds.
As they continue to talk, Josh and Sabrina watch on with a smile over at the counter.
JOSH (to Sabrina)
Hey, I think we've got a budding romance here.
SABRINA
Yeah, I think we do. I mean, they do.
JOSH
Well, right, yeah, them. Why don't I, uh, make sure we have enough sugar packets? (walks off)
SABRINA
Yeah, and I'll refill the coffeepot. (looks over and finds that it is full) As soon as it's empty.
***
A little while later, Sabrina dings down on the bell.
SABRINA
Time!
As the males rotate again, we find that Miles sits down opposite Roxie.
MILES
My name is Miles. Thus far we've only known each other as roommates, but I'm open to other avenues.
ROXIE
Make a U-turn. This road is closed. (goes over to Josh and Sabrina at the counter) I didn't pay five bucks to get chatted up by Miles. (points to a guy at a table) I wanna' meet that cute guy over there.
JOSH
That's my friend Brett.
SABRINA
He should be at your table in another four bells.
Roxie takes it upon herself to ding down on the bell four times. She goes and sits back down at her table once Brett arrives. She takes his hand.
SABRINA (to Josh)
Well, the girl knows what she wants.
Meanwhile, Miles sits down opposite another girl.
MILES
We may only have a few seconds together before the next bell. I need you to sum up your entire being in four words. Go.
GIRL #1
Not interested in you.
MILES
Four words on the dot. (raises his hand and looks at the counter) Can I get a bell, please?
***
Towards the end of the party, Sabrina makes her way through the crowd over to Josh, who is behind the counter. Roxie is exchanging numbers with Brett, and Miles is talking to another girl, Holly.
SABRINA (to Josh)
Well, I'd call this evening a total success. I bet more than a dozen phone numbers were exchanged.
JOSH
Yeah. Roxie met my friend, Brett, Miles met my friend, Holly. (waving some cash) And I met a lot of dead presidents. So where do you want Mr Lincoln and his pals to take us for dinner?
SABRINA
Well, I know Roxie's a little bit nervous about her first date with Brett, so, you know, maybe the four of us and the Lincolns could go someplace together.
JOSH
Sounds good to me. And Old Abe's up for anything. As long as we don't wind up at the theatre.
***
Sabrina and Roxie come out of their bedroom together, heading for the front door, all dressed up for their "double-date".
ROXIE
I'm so excited about going out with Brett. Thanks for double-dating with us.
SABRINA
How many times do I have to tell you we're not dating?
ROXIE (grabs her bag from the couch)
And how many times do I have to tell you that you should be?
SABRINA
Well, we tried it, but it didn't work. Then, he tried it, but I just wanted to be friends. Then, I tried it, but he was dating Morgan.
ROXIE
Which he isn't anymore. The man's coming over to take you to a kung fu movie. Dead giveaway that he wants a serious relationship.
SABRINA
You think so?
ROXIE
What I think, is that you two are perfect for each other. I don't know what's holding either of you back.
A knock comes from the door and Josh steps in.
JOSH
Hey, you ready?
SABRINA
Maybe I am.
ROXIE (as Josh walks over to them)
Where's Brett?
JOSH
Oh, he couldn't make it. Yeah, at the last second, his buddy got him a box seat for the Red Sox game. He told me to tell you he's sorry.
ROXIE (hurt)
That makes to of us.
SABRINA (to Josh)
Wait a minute. Wait, Brett cancels, but he doesn't bother to call Roxie and tell her himself?
JOSH
Like I said, he just got the tickets, he knew I was coming over here, and I told him I would give Roxie the message. Which I did.
SABRINA
Roxie, are you OK?
ROXIE (her expression shows otherwise)
I'll be fine. Have a great time.
Roxie turns away to her room. Josh looks down at his watch and heads for the door.
JOSH
OK, we'd better go. You don't wanna' miss the beginning of a Bruce Lee movie. The first ten minutes sets up the whole emotional arc.
SABRINA (before Josh steps out)
Hold the phone. When Brett told you he was cancelling to go to the game, what did you say?
JOSH
Uh, who's pitching?
SABRINA
You didn't say anything about, you know, how rude he was, how insensitive, how you could never be friends with someone who is so morally bankrupt?
JOSH
I felt it was implied. Come on, we don't wanna' miss that cartoon with the little dancing hotdog.
SABRINA
See if you can get what I'm implying. You and I aren't going to the movies.
JOSH
All right, let me get this straight, Sabrina. You think my friend acted like a jerk and you're blaming me.
SABRINA
No, I'm blaming you because you don't even realize your friend acted like a jerk.
JOSH (rolls his head back)
OK, fine! Brett was a jerk. Are you happy?
SABRINA
No, you're just saying that 'cause you don't wanna' keep arguing. (sits down on the couch)
JOSH
I can't argue with that.
SABRINA
You know, Josh, the scary thing about this is, you're not who I thought you were.
JOSH
Yes, I am. (sits down on the armrest) I just happen to have a jerky friend.
Miles comes out from his room.
SABRINA (to Miles)
Miles, what do you think about a guy who doesn't care about how a woman is treated?
JOSH (to Miles)
Well, what do you think about a woman who blames a guy for stuff another guy does?
MILES
You both need to relax. This is a normal argument that eventually all couples have.
JOSH/SABRINA
We're not a couple.
MILES
Well, stop messing with mind. (starting to walk off) I'm going to pick up Holly for our date. Aren't you guys supposed to be at the Bruce Lee movie?
SABRINA (following Miles)
We were, until Johnny Blackheart here decided that he didn't care if his friend treated my friend like dirt.
JOSH (to Sabrina; standing)
Oh, you are just not gonna' let this go, are you?
MILES
Hang on a second. You have extra tickets to the 1971 classic Tang Shan Da Xiong?
JOSH (handing Miles the tickets)
Here you go. Enjoy.
Miles takes the tickets and heads out the front door. Sabrina stands staring at Josh for a second before he follows Miles:
JOSH
On second thought, I'm coming with you.
SABRINA
Josh, we're not done here.
JOSH
Oh, yes, we are.
Sabrina watches him as he closes the door and steps out onto the porch.
***
Josh is sitting in the cinema beside Miles and Holly, as he offers Miles the popcorn.
JOSH
Popcorn?
MILES
No, thanks.
A tiny figure of Sabrina suddenly emerges in the popcorn bucket.
SABRINA
Ugh, artificial butter flavouring, yuck.
JOSH (to Miles)
Sabrina was way out of line, wasn't she, Miles?
MILES
Hello? On a date. (pause; as he turns to Holly) Legend has it that all these guys actually died during the filming of this scene.
JOSH (to Miles)
Where does she get off blaming me for what happened to Roxie? I didn't do anything wrong. I acted the way any other guy would've acted.
SABRINA
Yeah, like a jerk.
Josh reaches into the popcorn bucket, but instantly pulls back his finger.
JOSH
Ow! I think my popcorn bit me.
MILES
Shh! This is the scene where Bruce Lee repositions the spleens of twelve warriors from Thailand.
JOSH
That's a real man.
SABRINA
I'm glad you think so.
Sabrina zaps her magical finger up and some sparks go flying up.
ONSCREEN BRUCE LEE (V/O)
Gentleman, I was going to reposition your spleens. But a real man should admit when he's behaved badly, and have the insight to urge his friends to be more sensitive.
JOSH (to Miles)
I don't remember this in the movie, do you?
But as Josh turns he finds that Miles and Holly are busy making out with each other.
SABRINA
He's gonna' have to get back to you on that.
***
Hilda and Zelda are sitting opposite each other at the dining table, eating a civilised meal.
ZELDA
So...
HILDA
So here we are. Isn't this wonderful?
ZELDA
Ah, divine. Now that Salem's not around we can eat like civilised witches.
HILDA
That's true. No more guarding our plates against that vulture. Oh, speaking of vulture, can you please pass the vulture?
ZELDA
Certainly. (passes the plate over to Hilda) Yes, this is such a treat. Nobody begging for scraps. Leaving whiskers in your crème-brulee.
HILDA
Parading around in your best fishnet stockings. God, I miss him.
ZELDA
Me too. Hilda, do you think it would be wrong of us to...
HILDA
Way ahead of you.
Hilda zaps the two of them away in a puff of smoke.
***
Sabrina is pacing around in her room. Roxie is lying on her bed studying.
SABRINA (grabbing her coat)
You're sure you don't want to give singles night another shot? We booked a really hot band.
ROXIE
No one wants to be at that stinking coffeehouse less than me.
SABRINA
Except me. Josh and I haven't spoken in a week. I mean, he hasn't even called to apologize. This could kill the whole relationship.
ROXIE (walking over to Sabrina)
You mean the relationship you don't have with the guy you're not dating?
SABRINA
Yeah. I don't want that to end.
ROXIE
The end of a relationship is always the most depressing part. But, it's gotta' be really depressing to end something that never got a chance to begin.
SABRINA
All I know is, he should be the first one to call and apologize. He's the one who acted like a jerk when Brett stood you up.
ROXIE
Is that what this is about? You're throwing away a great guy because of someone that never meant anything to me?
SABRINA
It's the principle of the thing.
ROXIE
If you're gonna' date based upon principle, your choices are the pope or Saint Francis of Assisi.
SABRINA
So I've got options.
***
Dick and Doris are sitting uncomfortably beside each other in awkward position with Hilda and Zelda opposite them.
HILDA (after a long pause)
I like your bungalow. I like saying "bungalow". Bungalow. (to Zelda) Say it with me.
ZELDA (to Dick and Doris)
When will Salem be back?
DICK
Hard to say. He loves splashing around in the estuary, doesn't he?
DORIS
Yes.
ZELDA
It's funny. You know, he never liked playing in brackish water at our house.
Zelda and Hilda suddenly notice a metal clinging coming from the background.
ZELDA
What's that?
DORIS
Uh, the boiler. It's on the fritz again. (to Dick) I think it needs to be disciplined.
ZELDA (to Hilda)
Are you getting a weird feeling?
HILDA
No. But there's something new I'd like to say. Brackish water. Say it with me. Brackish water.
***
At the singles party in the coffeehouse, a pop girl band is up the elevated floor singing to the crowd.
POP STARS
# Get over yourself, goodbye.
It must be hard to be you. Yeah, living in your life.
I was always the one to cry.
Now everything, everything, everything is all ...
Get over yourself, know why.
'Cause without you
See, I do anything I like
Sometimes I stay out all night
Do anything I want
And everything, everything
Everything is all right
Get over yourself, goodbye
Everything is all right
Everything is all right
Get over yourself
Get over yourself, goodbye.
The crowd cheer and applaud. A woman approaches Sabrina at the back.
FEMALE PATRON
Sabrina, this is great. How did you get the Popstars to play at singles night?
SABRINA
Well, they may have a hit series, but they're looking for love just like everyone else.
Josh, behind the counter, dings the bell.
JOSH
All right, everybody. For the next round, the women will switch tables. (now at Sabrina's side) Let them do something for a change. Besides hold all us guys responsible for everything bad that happens to them.
SABRINA
Oh, well, maybe we wouldn't hold you responsible if you did the right thing in the first place.
JOSH
How do we have a chance to do the right thing if you blame us for stuff that isn't even our fault?
SABRINA
It is your fault. You're just too pigheaded to admit it.
JOSH (pauses before he continues)
Well, what do you think, Popstars one though five?
POPSTAR #1
I think you both need some serious therapy.
Miles comes in and joins Sabrina and Josh.
MILES
Hey, Sabrina. Hey, Josh.
SABRINA
Miles, what are you doing here on singles night?
JOSH
Yeah, where's Holly?
MILES
It's over.
SABRINA (turning to Josh)
There's a surprise. (pokes Josh continually through as she speaks) Another one of your flaky Emerson friends dumps another one of my roommates and you don't even care!
JOSH
How do you know I don't care? You didn't even give me a chance to react. And stop poking me.
MILES
Actually, I broke up with Holly. (walks off)
SABRINA
Huh? (to Josh, feeling his shirt) Uh, looks like I made a little poke mark there.
JOSH
Yeah, that happens when you point your finger at the wrong person.
Sabrina follows Josh back to the counter.
SABRINA
All right, Josh, you know, maybe I jumped all over you, but, I'm still upset about the Brett thing.
JOSH
Uh, that's not much of an apology.
SABRINA
What are you talking about? You're the one that needs to apologize.
JOSH
Again? Sabrina, how many times do I have to say I'm sorry?
SABRINA
Until the one time you really mean it.
FEMALE PATRON
Boy, for a couple trying to bring people together, you're setting a rotten example.
JOSH/SABRINA
We're not a couple!
***
Back at Dick and Doris' house, Zelda is taking notes in unison with the clanging sound.
DORIS (to Hilda; trying to break the silence)
Where did you get those pumps?
HILDA
Other Realm Shoe Pavilion. Do you like them?
DORIS
Not particularly.
HILDA (to Zelda)
What you doing?
ZELDA
Translating Morse code. I've got it. "I'm in a basement prison, cobbling shoes. Send help and ceviche." (standing) Hilda, this is an Other Realm prison labour camp!
Hilda stands beside Zelda, as Dick and Doris stand too.
HILDA
Dick and Doris, shame on you!
DORIS
Zap them, Dick!
HILDA
Watch out, Zelda!
Dick goes to zap them, but before the bolt reaches Zelda she manages to zap herself a shield. As they move about in battle, Hilda zaps Dick and Doris into a cage.
ZELDA
Nice work, super-witch.
HILDA
You too, hex kitten. Let's find Salem and get out of here.
***
Underground in the labour camp, Salem is banging on the pole with his cup when Snake comes over.
SNAKE
All right, that's it. I've had enough of you, Saberhagen. I'm famished.
Salem sobs in fear. Suddenly, a bolt fires through the stoned wall and as a section is cut separate, Hilda and Zelda step through.
HILDA
Everybody freeze!
SALEM
Hilda! Zelda! Am I glad to see you.
ZELDA (running to Salem)
Salem, are you all right? (picks him up) Hilda, let's get out of here before Dick and Doris escape. We'll send the authorities after these wretched men. Come on.
Zelda turns away with Salem.
HILDA
Wait a minute.
Hilda pulls off Snake's pirate eye and yelps at it. She then runs off before he can react.
***
Back at the coffeehouse, Josh dings on the bell one last time as they prepare to end the singles party.
JOSH
All right, everybody. Wrap it up. Night's over. We're closing.
Miles is over at a nearby table as he stands, surrounded by the Popstars.
MILES
Actually, it's just beginning. I'm sorry I only have two arms. Popstars?
He offers out his arms and the closest of the girls link with him. They all head for the door, and Josh and Sabrina are left by themselves.
SABRINA
Well, at least someone had a good time this evening.
JOSH
Yeah, Miles and the Popstars really seemed to hit it off.
SABRINA
Yeah, they make an attractive, you know, whatever.
JOSH (approaching Sabrina)
So, how is it that Miles can get along with an entire harem, and you and I can't even be civil to each other?
Sabrina puts down her tray on a coffee table and turns around to Josh.
SABRINA
Look, Josh, I don't wanna' keep going on like this.
JOSH
Me neither.
SABRINA
Just because I didn't like how you handled things with Brett doesn't mean that we shouldn't be friends. I mean, we still have to work together, so we should figure out a way to get along so that...
But before Sabrina can finish, Josh interrupts by leaning in to kiss her – and she doesn't seem to have an issue returning it.
SABRINA (after releasing)
Well, that's one way.
JOSH
For what it's worth, if I ever had to cancel a date, I'd call you.
SABRINA
For what it's worth, I hope we have a date for you to not cancel.
JOSH
Well, we never did go out for that dinner.
SABRINA
Well, maybe we can octuple with Miles and his harem.
Josh chuckles, before the two of them share a passionate lip lock. Finally!
***
Sabrina is walking around in her aunt's living room, trying on some new shoes. Hilda and Zelda are sat on the couch.
SABRINA
These are the most comfortable shoes I've ever had.
ZELDA (waving hers)
And stylish.
HILDA
Oh, cobbler?
Salem jumps up onto the couch.
SALEM
Yes, ma'am?
HILDA
I'd like five more pairs. One in every colour.
SABRINA
Yeah, and how are you with matching belts?
SALEM
I'll cobble whatever you want. I'm just glad to be home.
ZELDA (rubbing Salem's chin)
And we're happy to have you home.
HILDA
I'm sure you learnt a lesson from your misbehaviour.
SALEM
I'm sure I have.
The doorbell rings. Hilda and Zelda stand, as Sabrina answers. A small, Japanese woman holding a miniature plant is on the other side.
MYOSHI
I am Mrs. Salem-san.
SABRINA
OK...come in.
On Sabrina's gesture, Myoshi comes in and heads towards Hilda and Zelda with her plant. Sabrina closes the door and follows her over.
MYOSHI
I bring you gift. (puts down the plant on the table) Where is my table?
Sabrina, Hilda and Zelda all point down on Salem.
SALEM
Meow!
MYOSHI (with a flick of her hand)
Nobody perfect.
Zelda looks away, as Sabrina turns to Hilda with a look of disgust.
***
END CREDITS
***
Based on characters appearing in ARCHIE COMICS
Episode originally written by Adam England
