Sabrina and Roxie are in the kitchen looking for something for dinner, when the phone rings. Sabrina answers.
SABRINA
Hello? Hello? (hangs up) That’s weird, they hung up. That’s the second time that’s happened today.
ROXIE
Did you hear a cell door clanging in the background?
SABRINA
No.
ROXIE
Then it wasn’t my mom. Hey, look. I’ve found an old box of macaroni for dinner.
SABRINA
Whoa, whoa. Let me see the expiration date on that. (after looking at the box) I think it’s in Roman numerals.
ROXIE
Anything better?
SABRINA (holds out each descriptor from the freezer as she says)
Tater-tots, a freezer burned pot-pie and a UFO. Unidentified foiled object.
ROXIE
Do you realize in the fifties they thought this was a well balanced meal?
Miles walks in through the front door, returning home from his parents house with a bag.
SABRINA
Well, in the fifties they also thought that hiding underneath your desk would save you from a nuclear attack.
MILES
That only works if the desk is eighty feet underground and made of a titanium alloy. And speaking of nuclear fall-out, I survived another dinner with my parents.
SABRINA
Oh, and saved us from fossilised macaroni. Hand over the left-over's.
Miles gives Sabrina the bag of food.
MILES
The entire evening was a nightmare. They maligned every aspect of my character and my life.
SABRINA
That’s awful. Oh, your mom put raisins in the kugel!
MILES
I don’t even know why I continue going. These Sunday night dinners are becoming a sadistic ritual.
ROXIE
Well, it’s important to have family traditions. (to Sabrina) Did you taste this kishka? It’s to die for.
MILES
It’s the same thing every time I go home. My father talks to me about forgetting this paranormal nonsense and switching my major to accounting, while my mother shovels food onto my plate and says "why don’t you come home more often?"
ROXIE
It wouldn’t hurt.
MILES
And you’d think my father would realize that I’d rather stick needles in my eyes than join the family business.
SABRINA
Well, what are you saying? There’s no room for a paranormal researcher at a CPA firm?
MILES
That’s about as good as my father's latest joke. Changing the company's name to Goodman, Goodman and not so Goodman.
SABRINA (laughs)
That’s funny...or cruel. You know, it depends on your point of view.
Sabrina turns back to the kitchen.
***
OPENING CREDITS
***
Sabrina, Roxie and Miles are sat together in the front row at astronomy class.
PROFESSOR HUTCHINS
For your next astronomy paper you’re free to choose your own topic. (Sabrina raises her hand) It should be double space, ten pages, due next week, and, no, there is no bonus assignment for extra credit.
Sabrina puts down her hand.
SABRINA (to Roxie)
It never hurts to ask.
ROXIE (to Miles)
This should be a breeze. I can spit out ten pages just downloading NASA’s website.
PROFESSOR HUTCHINS
And, one other thing, no downloading NASA’s website or any other scientific mumbo-jumbo that you get off the Internet. I want it totally understandable, simple, in layman’s terms, which is why you’ll be presenting it orally to the class.
The students get up and head for the door on dismissal.
ROXIE (to Miles as they walk out)
I don’t believe this. First we can’t download our reports, then she expects us to actually understand them? What kind of whacko approach to teaching is this anyway?
MILES
This is quite a quandary. We have to intelligently discuss a complicated topic, yet it has to be understandable to the lowest common denominator. How do we do that?
Miles and Sabrina continue on out into the corridor. Sabrina stands in the doorway.
SABRINA
I just thought of a way.
***
Zelda is in the kitchen doing dishes as Sabrina walks in with her bag. Salem lies lazily on the bench, as normal.
SABRINA
Is Aunt Hilda here? I’ve got to run my astronomy report by her.
ZELDA
You wanna' talk to Hilda about science? Dear, that’s like asking Hirohito where to get a good pizza. I, on the other hand, have three doctorates in intergalactic studies and am personally credited with discovering seventeen moons.
Sabrina takes out a few small containers from her bag.
SABRINA
Well, my professor says that my report has to be so clear that even the simplest person can understand it.
ZELDA
Better wait for Hilda. She’s on a date with a witch from Venus.
SALEM
She met him through that dating service, Great Hex-pectations.
ZELDA (about the container)
What is all this?
SABRINA
Oh, extra food Miles brought home from dinner with his family. They torture him about becoming an accountant, but they send him home with gold.
ZELDA (with something on her fork from the container)
This is unusual.
SALEM
Y'argh! And not unlike my uncle Goliath’s kidney-stone.
SABRINA
It’s matzo ball soup, so good you just want to say oi! (pause) That’s Yiddish for yum.
Zelda takes a bite of the food.
ZELDA
Oi.
Hilda suddenly appears before them, she has been beamed down from above.
HILDA
Oh, that was the most incredible experience of my life.
ZELDA
So, Elliot was nice?
HILDA
Beats me, I was talking about his car. That thing really flies...literally! He’s got a flying car, Zellie!
Car engines sound from above.
***
Meanwhile, Miles is up on the roof at the college house looking through his telescope when he notices...
MILES
A UFO! It looks just like a Cadillac.
***
Back at the Spellman residence, Hilda walks into the living room and hangs up her coat. Sabrina and Zelda stand closely by her. Salem is on the couch.
SABRINA
So, tell us about your date. Give us details.
HILDA
It's a thousand cylinder, hydrogen fuelled turbo with the coolest chrome fins on the after-burners. (pause) Oh, you mean Elliot. Well, let me just say this, it’s true what they say about men from Venus, they have great suspension.
ZELDA (as they sit on the couch)
As opposed to those cads from Mars who leave the toilet seat up and drink out of the milk carton.
SALEM
I did it once. Let it go.
SABRINA
Well, now we’ve gotten a report on your date and his car, I wanna' run my astronomy report by you.
HILDA
Of course. (to Zelda) See? You’re not the only one Sabrina values for her intelligence. (to Sabrina) Shoot.
SABRINA (reading from her paper)
The speed of light is the speed at which light travels in a...
HILDA (cutting Sabrina off)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Back up Einstein, you lost me.
SABRINA
Maybe I should just give my report with finger puppets.
HILDA
Oh, I love finger puppets.
***
Sabrina is walking along with Miles in the corridor at Adam's.
SABRINA
So, you’re ready to give your presentation?
MILES
Actually, I’m ready to give two presentations. One is my standard, ten minute, cocktail party, ice-breaker about the molecular composition of sun-spots, the other is really...going out on a limb. I’d better go with the safe choice.
SABRINA
Safe choice? That doesn’t sound like you.
MILES
Then I know I’m on the right track.
SABRINA
Miles, come on, you’ve gotta' go out on a limb. I mean, that’s what I love about you, you’re not afraid to take risks.
MILES
Really?
SABRINA
Yeah. I mean, look at what you’re wearing.
Sabrina gives Miles a raise of her eyebrows, as if half-apologizing, as she steps in front of him and goes on into the classroom.
***
Later on, Roxie is wrapping up her presentation.
ROXIE
And, therefore, it is hypothesised that quasars are optical illusions created by gravitational lensing of the photons emanating from a large mass at the centre of an active galaxy. (takes a breath) The end.
Roxie goes to her seat beside Sabrina and Miles.
SABRINA (to Roxie)
Wow. Who knew you could deliver a ten page report without ever taking a breath?
MILES
Although, towards the end, the lack of oxygen was causing your left eye to wander.
ROXIE
I’m just happy it’s over and I never have to think about quasars again.
PROFESSOR HUTCHINS
Thank you, Roxie. (takes off her glasses) Or should I be thanking your Internet service provider? Sabrina, you're next.
Sabrina takes the podium.
SABRINA
Argh, my report is on the speed of light. The speed of light is fast. It’s really fast. It’s like argh, you know how the cheetah’s like the fasted land animal? It’s like way, way, way, way, way faster than that. (looks over at Professor Hutchins) You said to keep it simple.
***
Miles is at the podium.
MILES
I was all set to present my report on sun-spots, including my hypothesis that the disco era was influenced by a minor solar flair, but then a good friend convinced me to go out on a limb. Last night I, Miles Goodman, witnessed an alien spacecraft traverse the night sky.
Laughter is evident among the body in front of him.
SABRINA
Oi. Not in the yum sense of the word.
MILES
Surprisingly, it looked like a Cadillac, yet it was stylishly adorned with chrome fins on the after-burners.
SABRINA
Why can’t Aunt Hilda take the bus like everyone else?
MILES
It was incredible. And, there it flew, a flashing red light that I can only interpret as a left turn signal.
STUDENT #1
I got another interpretation: you’re a nut-job!
MILES
I know what I saw. It was a flying car.
STUDENT #2
Or, maybe it was a rubber padded spaceship coming to take you away!
MILES
I’m sure it wasn’t a medical vehicle because there weren’t any international markings for red cross.
ROXIE
You are so loopy, Goodman.
SABRINA (feeling sorry for Miles)
Maybe what you saw looked like a spacecraft, but was really a weather balloon.
MILES
After burners on a weather balloon? Now who’s loopy?
ROXIE
Still you.
***
Hilda is cleaning up a table at the coffeehouse when Sabrina comes up behind her.
SABRINA
Aunt Hilda, we need to talk.
HILDA
Nothing good ever comes after that sentence.
SABRINA
Miles saw your boyfriend's flying car.
HILDA
See?
SABRINA
He gave a report on it in astronomy, and was totally humiliated. I had to cover with some stupid story about a weather balloon.
HILDA (insulted)
You called a top-of-the-line, fully loaded Venusian cruiser a weather balloon?
SABRINA
Look, the point is, if you’re gonna date people from other planets you have to be discrete. Isn’t that what I’ve always taught you? Oh, wait a minute, that’s what you’ve always taught me.
HILDA
I’m sorry, I just got carried away. I’ve just never dated a guy with such cool wheels before.
SABRINA
Aunt Hilda, you dated the guy who invented the wheel.
***
Miles walks along in the corridor at Adam's when he is approached by Zelda.
ZELDA
Oh, Miles, do you have a moment?
MILES
Argh, yes, but make it quick. I’m the target of mass mockery. And, unless I'm fast on my feet, I may inadvertently get pantsed.
ZELDA
Well, this won't take long. I just wanted to ask you for the recipe for your mother's delectable matzo ball soup?
MILES (they start walking again)
I’d like to help you, but my mother swore she’s taking it to the grave, along with my bubbie Esther’s antique broach, which I interpret as a direct slap to my aunt Celia.
ZELDA
Oh, but I must have that recipe. Surely you could get it. For me?
MILES
Believe me, Zelda, I would do anything for you, but my mother keeps that secret recipe in her girdle drawer, and no one goes in there. Unfortunately, not even my mother.
***
Hilda is driving Elliot's car, high up in the night sky. Elliot puts his arm around Hilda as she continues driving.
ELLIOT
I’m really glad you decided to go out with me again. I...I wasn’t sure that you liked me.
HILDA
Don’t be ridiculous Elliot, I’m very fond of you. Now, where’s the turbo?
ELLIOT (laughs)
I don’t think you’re ready for that yet. Besides, I think we should wait until we reach a less congested area to kick it in.
HILDA
Or, we could kick it in now and get out of this congestion faster. (pause) I know, driving is a privilege, safety first, blah, blah, blah.
ELLIOT
Hilda, I’m beginning to think that the only reason you’re going out with me is because you like my vehicle.
HILDA
That’s not true. I think you’re a very sweet, sensitive guy and I’m lucky to have found you.
ELLIOT
I feel the same way about you.
Hilda and Elliot lean in on each other to share a kiss, and with him distracted, Hilda slips her hand down and hits the TURBO BOOST button, and they soar off leaving a line of blue fuel behind them.
***
Sabrina is in the kitchen making herself a coffee. Roxie is at the table.
ROXIE
I can’t believe I have to redo my report. Sure, it was a little factoid heavy, but at least I didn’t go off like a crazy person about a flying Cadillac taking the car-pool lane to Pluto.
SABRINA (walking over)
Miles isn’t crazy.
ROXIE
Yes, he is, and I’ll tell you who’s even crazier. His good friend who told him he should make a fool of himself.
SABRINA
His good friend had the best of intentions. (pause) I’m just guessing.
The phone rings and Sabrina jumps at the diversion, picking it up.
SABRINA
Hello? Hello? (hangs up and walks back to the table) Oh, another hang-up. This is getting a little freaky. I mean, if the lights go out and someone walks in here with a knife...
The door opens and Miles steps in. Roxie and Sabrina scream with shock upon his arrival.
MILES
That’s the best reaction I’ve had all day.
SABRINA
Sorry, we thought you were the psychotic hang-up caller.
MILES
Yeah, I wish. Professor Hutchins just called me on the carpet. She said science has nothing to do with little green men in souped-up spaceships. Then, she said I’m an embarrassment to the paranormal studies program.
ROXIE
What’s embarrassing is that there is a paranormal studies program.
Grabbing up her books, Roxie heads for her room.
MILES (continuing on to Sabrina)
The point is, that when the head of the paranormal department calls you a freaking fruitcake, it’s time to re-evaluate the rest of your life.
SABRINA
Miles, you’re not crazy. You’re just as sane as anyone.
MILES
Well, it’s not much comfort coming from you. You’re the one who told me to go out on a limb and then told the class I saw a weather balloon.
SABRINA
I was just trying to come up with a more plausible explanation.
MILES
In other words, I’m a freaking fruitcake.
SABRINA
Miles, I didn’t say that.
MILES
Well, do you, or do you not believe that I saw a spaceship? Yes or no?
SABRINA (with hesitation; unsure how to answer)
Well...I believe that you think you saw one.
MILES
So you think I’m delusional?
SABRINA
No, I just think there are millions of possibilities.
MILES
No, there’s only one. I’m gonna' forget all of this paranormal nonsense and become an accountant.
SABRINA
Miles, you can’t do that!
MILES
Watch me! My father will finally get his wish, from now on it’s gonna' be Goodman, Goodman, and Goodman.
Miles goes off in the direction of his bedroom.
SABRINA (Miles is gone)
Oi.
***
Hilda is behind the counter at the coffeehouse, Sabrina stands on the other side.
SABRINA
I can’t believe Miles decided to become an accountant. He’s wanted to be a paranormal researcher all of his life. I mean, even as a toddler he was convinced that Bert and Ernie were visitors from another planet.
HILDA
I just wish that those two would come out and put that rumour to rest. (short pause) Look, Sabrina, I think this Miles thing is good news for you. Now he won't be nosing around looking for supernatural phenomena and you won't have to worry about being exposed as a witch.
SABRINA
No, I just have to worry about having killed a man's spirit.
HILDA
Oh, please! Who hasn’t done that?
SABRINA
I just wish I could have looked Miles in the eye and told him that I know he saw that spacecraft, then maybe he’d still be following his dream.
HILDA
Sabrina, you had no choice. You couldn’t tell Miles the truth, just like I can’t tell Elliot I’m only dating him for his big block. (Sabrina glares at her) What? Hey, it’s an engine.
Josh comes in and gets on his apron as he heads for the counter. Sabrina approaches him as Hilda heads off.
JOSH
Hey, great news. I just sold my freshman accounting books to Goodman.
SABRINA
That’s horrible.
JOSH (flashing some notes from his pocket)
Not for me. And, frankly, changing his major’s the best decision Miles ever made.
SABRINA
Having your dreams crushed is your idea of a good time? Let me guess, in Peter Pan, when Tinkerbell dies, you’re the only guy not clapping to bring her back to life?
JOSH
That little fairy drove me nuts! Sabrina, you have to look at it from a pragmatic point of view. There's not a lot of job opportunities for guys with a Bs in UFO’s.
SABRINA
That’s true. On career day you rarely see a paranormal recruiting booth.
JOSH
And better Miles comes to this realisation now rather than spending eighty-thousand dollars on an education he’ll never use.
SABRINA
I guess you’re right.
JOSH
College is a time that should be spent doing the thing that prepares you for your life ahead.
Hilda pops her head out.
HILDA (to Josh)
We’re out of toilet paper in the men's room.
JOSH
I’m on it.
Josh turns away. Sabrina watches the irony of it.
***
That night, at the college house. Sabrina is sat at the table beside Miles, Roxie is in the kitchen. The phone rings, Sabrina answers.
SABRINA
Hello? Hello? (hangs up) Oh, this is really getting old!
ROXIE
Not unlike this kugel. It just doesn’t keep like the kishka.
Roxie disposes of the kugel and heads off to her room. Sabrina sits down beside Miles again.
SABRINA
So, Miles, you seem to be really getting into those accounting books.
MILES
You gotta' love debits and credits. They’re all perfectly logical and spelled out in black and red.
SABRINA
Don’t you miss the thrill of the unexplainable?
MILES
What I don’t miss is the pain of being ridiculed. I mean, when you tell people you see a seven, they believe you, instead of calling you a nut-job.
SABRINA
You know Miles, I know what you’re going through. I mean, I know what it’s like to have people think you’re different.
MILES
Yeah, right, what would you know about being different?
SABRINA
Well, there happens to be a lot about me that you don’t know.
MILES (prompting)
Like?
SABRINA
Like...I tend to talk too much about myself. Back to you.
MILES
Face it, Sabrina, you know nothing about being different. You’re just a nice, normal, well adjusted person.
The phone rings again and Sabrina raises it to her ears.
SABRINA
Look, knock it off psycho! I don’t have time for your...oh, sorry. (to Miles, lowers the phone) Miles, it’s Garth. He wants to know if you wanna' go to the Sci-Fi Club’s screening of Blade Runner tonight.
MILES
Tell him I’m busy.
SABRINA
He says they’re gonna watch it backwards and look for hidden meaning.
Miles takes the phone from her.
MILES
Sorry, Garth, but I’m joining the real world.
Miles gives the phone back to Sabrina and she hangs up on the conversation.
SABRINA
Are you sure you wanna' do this? I mean, you used to really enjoy going out with those...
MILES
Freaks? Sabrina, I...I, I know I’ve made the right decision. (standing) I...I can definitely see myself being an accountant for the next fifty years. Forty-five if I go with my fathers extended work-day plan.
Miles takes his accounting books and heads off to his room.
SABRINA
Well, maybe you can, but I can’t! (to herself) Wait a minute, of course I can. Argh (incanting) prove me wrong and alley my fears, show me Miles in fifteen years.
Sabrina zaps an image onto the astronomy book open in front of her. In the vision, Miles is in his office, sitting opposite his client, professionally dressed with his hair cut appropriately.
MILES
Here’s your tax return, Mr. Willoughby and you’ll be happy to know, I was able to right off your entire safari to Africa, and, if the Feds ever ask, Mr. G. Raff and Mr. Elle Phant are your Serngetti sales reps.
MR WILLOUGHBY
Miles, you’re a genius. You saved me again.
MILES
Well, it’s easy when you do what you love.
Sabrina is easily convinced after watching this.
SABRINA
Great, I was wrong. Miles is happy being an accountant, and, why not? I mean, he’s successful, he’s got a nice office, big desk, picture of the wife and kids...(looking down)...is that Roxie?!
Cuts back down to the vision.
MILES
Just put your John Hancock on this.
Mr Willoughby goes for the papers.
MILES
Would you excuse me?
MR WILLOUGHBY
Sure.
Miles steps away into the closet. Closing the door, he takes a deep breath and screams as hard as he can and pulls his hair. He clearly is NOT happy being an accountant.
***
Sabrina barges into Miles' room to find him taking down some posters.
SABRINA
Sorry to barge in, but I can’t let you ruin your life!
MILES
Sabrina, my life is just beginning. A new life enriched with the joy of long form deductions.
SABRINA
No, no, no! You’re gonna' hate deductions, they’re gonna' make you miserable. I know this for a fact.
MILES
How do you know? What did you do? Look into a crystal ball and see my future?
SABRINA
Something like that. Look, part of being Miles Goodman is...you know, collecting stuff like this!
Sabrina grabs up a rock.
MILES
Radio-active isotope from a Russian war-head?
Sabrina's prompt reaction is to drip the rock and brush her hand over her skirt.
SABRINA
Argh! Are you insane? Yes, you are, and that is my point. See, anyone who collects stuff like this is not meant to be an accountant.
MILES
That’s why I’m giving it away. By the way, I’d wash my hands if I were you, several thousand times.
Sabrina walks out.
***
Zelda and Salem are in the dining room, which has been transformed into Zelda's lab-top. They are wearing matching lab coats as they unload materials into a glass. She puts each material into the glass correspondingly.
ZELDA
Dipotassium phosphate.
SALEM
Dipotassium phosphate.
ZELDA
Sodium silicoaluminate.
SALEM
Sodium silicouluminate.
ZELDA
And schmaltz.
SALEM
Schmaltz!
ZELDA
This should do it. (pours her final ingredient in and zaps the mixture) Voila! (it turns into ball) If my calculations are right, I will have just replicated the exact molecular structure of Mrs. Goodman’s matzo balls. Prepare yourself for gastronomic nirvana.
Zelda gives a piece to Salem.
SALEM
Brolch! If this is nirvana, I’m Hadasa Lieberman.
Sabrina walks in from the kitchen. Zelda goes to her side.
ZELDA
Oh, Sabrina, good, you’re here. I need a second opinion, try this.
Zelda knives off another piece and gives some to Sabrina.
ZELDA
What do you think?
SABRINA
Make them smaller, have Tiger Woods autograph them, and you’ve got the hottest seller at the PGA tour.
ZELDA
I don’t understand what went wrong. This matzo ball is a chemically perfect clone.
SALEM
Zellie, you’re missing one key ingredient.
ZELDA
What?
SALEM
Something I learned about in my little village of Anetevka: love.
SABRINA
OK, before he breaks out into a chorus of sun-rise, sun-set, I need to talk to you about Miles. If only I could tell him I know he saw that spacecraft, he’d give up this crazy idea of being an accountant.
ZELDA
But you can’t tell him, that would be admitting that you have special powers.
SABRINA
Exactly.
ZELDA
Hmm, this is a conundrum.
SALEM
Not to mention a confounding and perplexing problem.
SABRINA
I just wish there was some way I could validate Miles and let him know he’s not alone.
Hilda walks in and stands at the door.
HILDA
Well, I’m off for my next flying lesson with Elliot. Tonight, he’s gonna' show me how to properly grip his throttle. (after a moment) That’s what makes the big block fly! Don’t worry, we won't let anyone see us.
ZELDA (to Sabrina)
Although, seeing is believing, if you catch my drift?
SABRINA
Caught it and already formulating a plan.
Sabrina walks off through the kitchen again. Hilda picks up the matzo ball on the table.
HILDA
Oh, that’s great, you’re making us a new croquet set. Just in time for the summer.
Hilda drops it down on the table but is surprised when it doesn't bounce back. Zelda rolls her eyes.
***
Miles follows Sabrina up onto the roof at their house.
MILES
I should be practising my ledger entries. I’m really struggling with those European sevens.
SABRINA
Well, Miles, you said you'd help me identify constellations for astronomy class. Besides, you can still do your accounting on the roof.
MILES
I’ll suggest that to my father. Perhaps this year our firm can prepare tax returns in the steeple of the old north church.
Miles sits down and Sabrina paces around, looking up at the sky.
SABRINA
It’s nine-ten, they should have been here by now.
MILES
Who?
SABRINA
Argh, geese. You know, they, argh, they're very punctual with their migration.
Miles turns away to his reading. Sabrina looks up at the sky and starts jumping when all of a sudden...
SABRINA
Oh, my God! (pulls on Miles) Oh my, God! Look!
Miles almost goes toppling onto the other side of the roof. He gets up when he sees the red Cadillac again. He stands by Sabrina.
MILES
Oh, my God! Do you see that?
SABRINA
Absolutely. Now, that is the big dipper, right?
MILES
Not the constellation, the, the spaceship! Please tell me you see that?
SABRINA
Wow! It is a spaceship! Unbelievable!
MILES
It’s beautiful! Argh, a technological miracle! Although, the driver appears to be slightly inebriated.
The car is flipping around up there.
SABRINA
Oh, that’s probably just a problem with the big block. That’s an engine.
MILES
I know that.
***
Up in Elliot's car. Hilda is having the time of her life. She may as well be dating the car.
HILDA
I can’t get it into fifth gear!
ELLIOT
Argh, that’s ‘cause this only has four.
HILDA
Not any more.
ELLIOT
Hilda, I’ve been trying to find the right time to tell you something, but maybe I should just, argh...spit it out.
HILDA
Spit all you want, just don’t fog up the windshield.
ELLIOT
The truth is...I’m married.
HILDA
Wanna' see me do a doughnut?
And she does just that.
ELLIOT
You’re taking this better than I thought. But you have nothing to worry about. I’m getting a divorce.
HILDA
That just stinks!
ELLIOT
I thought you’d be happy.
HILDA
The Pluto Highway's closed. How am I supposed to open up this puppy if I have to take surface streets?
ELLIOT
Hilda, I am trying to talk about us. Are you listening to anything I’m saying?
HILDA
Of course I’m listening. (calling out the window) Way to signal, dipward!
ELLIOT
Well, the good news is that I’m coming out of this marriage in great shape. I get the house and everything in it, all she gets is this car.
Hilda abruptly hits down on the brake and the car comes to a sudden stop.
***
Back down on the roof, Sabrina and Miles are sitting beside each other looking up at the sky.
MILES
Sabrina, seeing that spaceship confirms everything I’ve ever believed in. And I know I’m not deluding myself because you saw it too. Right?
SABRINA
Of course.
MILES
I can’t wait to tell Professor Hutchins, and this time I have a witness.
SABRINA
Miles, you know, maybe we’d better keep this between the two of us. You know what they say, double your sighting, double your scorn.
MILES
Perhaps you’re right, and all that really matters is that someone else in the world knows I’m not crazy.
SABRINA
As long as you don’t go into accounting.
MILES
I could never do that, my passion for the paranormal is too strong.
SABRINA
Oh, I’m glad to hear you say that. So are you ready to go inside? (stands)
MILES
Not yet. Do you remember the other day when you said you were different from everybody else?
SABRINA
Did I say that? Oh, I was probably just trying to make you feel better.
MILES
No, Sabrina, I finally figured out how you’re different. I mean, I was shocked at first, but then I realized that all the clues were there from the very beginning.
SABRINA
Miles, look, you’ve got to promise not to tell anyone, OK? You could really put my life in jeopardy.
MILES
Don’t worry, Sabrina. I’m not going to tell everybody that you have a crush on me.
SABRINA
I have a crush on you? Oh! Yeah, I have a crush on you. Big time. But, argh, as long as we are roommates we must never act upon it.
MILES
I understand. I’ll do whatever I can to be a little less desirable.
SABRINA
It’s working already.
Miles heads back down from the roof.
SABRINA (Miles is gone)
Oi. What a great word.
Sabrina goes down after her roommate and supposed "crush".
***
Sabrina is in the living room at her house, she answers the phone.
SABRINA
Hello? (pause) Oh, good, it’s you. I just want you to know that I’m contacting the FBI, they’re gonna' track you down. You’re gonna' be sorry you ever dialled this number!
It's Harvey on the other end. He's in his room, and the conversation cuts to and fro from their respective positions unless marked otherwise:
HARVEY
Sabrina?
SABRINA
Harvey? You’re the one who’s been calling here and hanging up?
HARVEY
Sorry about that. Every time I heard your voice I froze up.
SABRINA
Well, I’m glad you finally thawed out. (sits on the couch)
HARVEY
Look, ever since I saw you in Florida you’ve been on my mind. I really feel bad about the way I acted after I found out you were a...
SABRINA
A witch?
HARVEY (V/O)
Yeah, that. (cuts back to his dorm) But, in my defence, you did turn me into a frog, and a beast, and a Canadian Mountie.
SABRINA
Don’t forget about the time I made you pregnant.
HARVEY
How can I? I still have stretch marks. (standing) You know, but even considering all that, you’ve always been a really good friend to me. And the reason I’m calling is that I want to apologize.
SABRINA
Thanks, that really means a lot to me.
HARVEY
Yeah, well, that’s pretty much what I called to say and...now I’ve pretty much said it, so...(looks out his window)...is that a Cadillac flying through the sky?
SABRINA (holds the phone on her shoulder and rests her head back)
I’m gonna' kill Aunt Hilda!
***
END CREDITS
***
Based on characters appearing in ARCHIE COMICS
Episode originally written by Jon Vandergriff
