Sabrina is sitting at the table in her house, having just finished carving a Halloween jack-o-lantern.
SABRINA
There! A finished jack-o-lantern. (looks back and finds an error) With a seriously deviated septum! (she zaps the correction into order. Roxie and Miles enter through the front door) Hey, you guys are just in time to carve pumpkins with me.
Sabrina gets up from her seat and goes to the kitchen.
ROXIE
And you’re about twelve years too late. I haven’t carved a pumpkin since I was...six. (turns away to her room)
SABRINA
Miles, you’ll carve a pumpkin with me, right?
MILES
And perpetuate one of the most ridiculous, bogus holidays ever invented by man?
SABRINA
I’ll take that as a no. I can’t believe you’re dissing Halloween, the same guy who sits in his room waiting to be picked up by aliens.
MILES
That’s not true. I contact them from my room, I wait on the roof. (walks off)
SABRINA (as Miles is gone; to one of the pumpkins on the bench)
Well, I guess it’s just you and me Jack.
JACK-O-LANTERN (V/O)
I’m up for some fun baby, let’s grab a bottle of Colt forty-five and put on some Luther.
SABRINA
Don’t mess with me, Jack!
Sabrina zaps the jack-o-lantern and in an array of sparks he suddenly is transformed into a dessert pie. Sabrina blows on her finger triumphantly, before picking up the can of whipped cream and spraying some on top of her "trophy".
SABRINA (to the pumpkins on the table)
I hope the rest of you saw that.
***
OPENING CREDITS
***
In Hilda and Zelda's kitchen, Salem is sat up on the counter looking over some reading material. Hilda and Zelda are washing dishes.
SALEM (shocked)
IBM down an eighth? I’m going to scratch out Greenspan’s eyes.
Sabrina walks in through the back door trudging some bags behind her.
SABRINA
Hey everybody, I’m home.
ZELDA
Sabrina, what are you doing here?
SABRINA
Oh, your favourite niece can’t just drop by and say hello?
HILDA
How much laundry have you got?
SABRINA
Three bags. (pause) But I’ve also got good news. This Halloween I’m going to spend the holiday with you guys.
ZELDA
You’re what?
HILDA
You can’t!
SABRINA
Nothing like being embraced in the bosom of your family on the most special day of the year.
SALEM (laughs)
Bosom, you said bosom. (laughs)
ZELDA
I’m sorry Sabrina, it’s just that you’re never interested in spending the holiday with us, so we made other plans.
HILDA (walking over with a laundry basket)
We got invited to the Other Realm for the ultra exclusive opening of a new galaxy.
SABRINA
Oh, that sounds fun and Halloweenie. Do you think you can wangle me an invitation?
SALEM
Get a clue sister, you and I are persona non-grata. They’re gonna abandon us on Halloween. Quick! Someone say bosom.
ZELDA
I suppose we could cancel if you want us to.
SABRINA
Oh no, no, no, you guys go ahead. No I’ll just hang out with Miles and wait for the mother-ship to beam us up.
HILDA
Say hi to the Android sisters for us. (to Zelda) Let’s go and figure out what to wear to the galaxy opening.
ZELDA
Oh, I am thinking heat resistant metal with a scosh of spandex.
HILDA
Oh, maybe I’ll wear what I wore to the Shonan Bah mitzvah. They had that Battlestar Galictica theme.
ZELDA
Oh.
Zelda and Hilda's voices become indistinct as they walk off upstairs. Sabrina stays in the kitchen with Salem, beginning to unload her washing.
SABRINA
Well at least while I’m doing nothing on Halloween I’ll be wearing clean underwear.
SALEM
Are you doing delicates? Cause I’ve got a few things to toss in. (Sabrina gives him a look) I’ll do them by hand.
SABRINA
Youknow it’s the weirdest thing, I can’t think of anything but Halloween these days, what’s that about? Oh, I know, I have no life.
SALEM
And then there’s the whole witch thing.
SABRINA
You know after all these years of rebellion I’m finally ready to embrace the truth. Halloween is in my blood.
SALEM
Say it loud and say it proud!
SABRINA
Time for me to put on the orange and black and show the world who I am.
SALEM
Hallelujah, sister!
SABRINA
Amen, brother!
SALEM
We’re having a party!
SABRINA
I didn’t say that!
SALEM
Oh, so you’re one of those witches who celebrates Halloween the other way. Staying home and being a loser.
SABRINA
I would love to have a party but Miles and Roxie hate Halloween. It’s amazing the ugly things you learn about people when you live with them.
SALEM
Which reminds me, aren’t your aunts going out Halloween night? Why don’t you have the party here?
SABRINA (tutting)
They would never let me have a party here when they’re not home.
SALEM
Girlfriend, aren’t you learning anything in college? Don’t tell them.
SABRINA
They’d kill me if I had a party...(trying to convince herself)...I can’t...I couldn’t...I shouldn’t...(now fully convinced)… Is it too late to send out invitations?
***
At Hilda's coffeehouse, Sabrina is standing with her work apron on around the sofa in the middle of the packed place. Roxie, Morgan and Miles are sitting around.
SABRINA
So don’t say anything to my aunt Hilda but I’m going to have a little Halloween celebration for a few of my close friends.
A passing customer overhears the plans.
CUSTOMER
I’m there.
SABRINA (as the customer exits)
...and that guy I’ve never met before.
MORGAN
I’m always up for a party, in fact I’ve got...(looking in her planner)...seven that night.
SABRINA
Well mine is gonna be great! A classic Halloween celebration with costumes, spooky lighting, bobbing for apples.
MORGAN
Like I said, seven parties is plenty.
ROXIE
Bobbing for apples?
SABRINA
Or pears. You can bring your own fruit, I’m flexible.
MILES
Sabrina, when are you gonna' get it? There’s nothing more lame than Halloween, and I know lame.
ROXIE
He’s got you there.
SABRINA
OK, listen up and listen good you "Hallo-whiners", all right. Holidays give us a reason to celebrate. On Christmas we get to put up decorations, on new years we party all night long, on thanksgiving we eat until we puke but on Halloween we get to do all of those things whilst wearing a silly costume. It may not mean much to you but it means a lot to me and I expect each and every one of you to show up.
JOSH (walking over; only having heard the last bit of Sabrina's speech)
I’ll be there. Where am I going?
SABRINA
To the best Halloween party of all time.
ROXIE (unenthusiastic)
We get to bring our own fruit.
***
Joyce, a party planner from the Other Realm, walks into her office with Sabrina following close behind.
JOYCE
Let me get this straight. Three days before Halloween and you want me to plan the best party of all time?
SABRINA
Well, that’s why I came to the best party planner of all time.
JOYCE
Ooh, a suck up! I like it. To bad it ain’t gonna get you squat.
Sabrina sits opposite Joyce at her desk. .
SABRINA
Look Joyce, I know this is the biggest holiday in the Other Realm but I’m desperate. Can you just give me some monsters?
JOYCE (with a sigh)
Let’s see. (she types away on her computer a few times...) No monsters but... I can get you a one-way to Phoenix with a connection in Denver.
SABRINA
Let’s call that plan B.
JOYCE
Honey, all I can give you is the basic ghoul package. (hits a button on the computer ad some ghouls appear in front of them) Not very exciting but it does come with...(lifting up a metal container from beneath her desk)...a free bucket of puss.
SABRINA
Do you have anything a little scarier? That one guy seems scared of me...(the ghouls disappear)...Look, I have to kick some major Halloween butt. I have to prove to a house full of sceptics that this holiday rocks.
JOYCE
OK, I’ll tell you what, I’ve got a big fella' who owes me. How about the creature from the black lagoon?
She hits the same button her keyboard and a sea-monster appears in front of them in a flash of light.
SABRINA
Oh, that won't work. None of our furniture is Scotch guarded.
JOYCE
He loses a lot of gigs that way. (the sea-monster disappears; pause) Hold the phone! You’ll never guess who just became available.
In front of them this time, the classic monster Frankenstein appears, groaning with his arms held out in front of him.
SABRINA
Frankenstein! That’s perfect. I mean, sure, he’s got a criminal record…
JOYCE
Frank doesn’t normally work on Halloween, he must need the money. (under her breath to Sabrina) Gambling problem.
SABRINA
I’ll take him. (to Frankenstein) and if you have any buddies with massive debts, you know, bring them along.
Frankenstein responds with a grunt.
***
Salem is sitting on the table behind the couch in Hilda and Zelda's living room. Sabrina walks in from the kitchen.
SABRINA
Okay, the food is hidden, the drinks are on ice, everything’s ready to go...except my aunts. (calling out from the bottom of the staircase) Aunt Hilda! Aunt Zelda! Hurry up, you’re going to be late for your party!
The doorbell rings.
SALEM
Obviously not a problem for your guests.
SABRINA
I can’t believe they’re here already. (calling upstairs again) I’ll get it! (opens the door) Go away, you’re early! (it is actually a group of trick-or-treaters, who turn away, Sabrina calls after them) Sorry, I didn’t mean it! Here! (throws some lolly bags from the table nearby the door after them) Oh! Sorry again! (closes the door)
ZELDA (V/O upstairs)
Sabrina, we’re leaving!
SABRINA (calling upstairs)
So soon? (to Salem) I’ll go up and make sure they get to their galaxy warp speed.
Sabrina runs upstairs onto the landing only to walk right in the direction of her two aunts dressed in their glossy costumes.
SABRINA
Well, have a good time. Stay out as long as you like. Dance 'till those stars burn out.
HILDA
That’s it?
ZELDA
Sabrina, we spent three hours getting ready for this galaxy opening. Do you have anything to say about our outfits?
SABRINA
Titanium, it’s the new black. Now you crazy kids get out outta here. (ushers Hilda and Zelda into the closet)
HILDA
Why are you in such a hurry for us to leave?
SABRINA (seemingly sarcastic)
Oh, well the sooner you leave then the sooner I can throw that wild, crazy party I’ve been planning in secret. (laughs)
HILDA (laughing)
Good one.
Hilda and Zelda walk into the closet, Hilda needing just a slight hand to get in from the weight of her costume...as they are gone in a clap of thunder, Sabrina heaves a sigh.
SABRINA
OK, now all I have to do is change into my costume and I’m ready.
Sabrina zaps herself an in a twist of magical sparks, she is transformed into the costume of Miss Bo Peep. She goes downstairs to Salem.
SALEM (kind-of laughing)
What a lame get-up. Oh Miss Bo Peep, it seems you’ve lost your sheep.
SABRINA
I haven’t lost him, he’s right here.
Sabrina zaps him and he is put into a white fur overall, the only thing sticking out his ears and some of his face.
SALEM
Ghe! I can’t pick up college chicks looking like this! On the other hand, I’m so soft a fuzzy...baahhh!
***
A little while on, the house is packed with college students dancing to some thumping music playing in the background. Miles and Roxie are standing by the punch table together. Sabrina approaches Salem at the pretzel table.
SABRINA
Well I’d say the party’s going pretty darned well, wouldn’t you?
SALEM
Going well for yours truly. Muffy’s treating me to some heavy petting.
Sabrina-
In your dreams lamb-chop.
A girl dressed in a kitty costume comes and picks up Salem.
MUFFY (to Sabrina)
Sabrina, your cat is adorable, and so friendly.
SABRINA
A little tip. Candy-corn makes him gassy.
Muffy places Salem back down. Sabrina walks over to Roxie and Miles.
SABRINA
Hi guys, having fun?
ROXIE
I’m standing here with Miles, what do you think?
MILES
If this is the best party of all time, I’m glad I’m a social outcast.
SABRINA
Come on guys, get in the party spirit. Bob for something.
ROXIE
OK, I’ll bob for the door.
MILES
I’ll bob with you. (following Roxie)
SABRINA
No wait, wait, wait! Nobody leaves a party at eight fifty-five.
Josh approaches towards Sabrina in all irony, with Morgan.
JOSH
Well, we’re off Sabrina. Thanks, it was really fun.
SABRINA
Then why are you leaving after only twenty minutes?
JOSH (to Morgan)
Why are we leaving after only twenty minutes?
MORGAN
(under her breath) Because we decided it was rude, to leave after fifteen. (to Sabrina) Thanks Spellman, for the best party of all time. (walking off with Josh)
SABRINA
No, you can’t go! Look, something’s gonna happen any minute now.
ROXIE
What’s gonna happen? You’re gonna bring out the cheese-platter?
The lights suddenly go off, lightning bolts can be seen through the window and a clap of thunder echoes just as the lights come on again. A scream from the population, as they find that Frankenstein along with several other creatures (ghouls, Cyclops, mummy etc.), are now in the room.
SABRINA
I’d say that beats Goudona Trisket.
***
At Hilda and Zelda's party in the Other Realm – the two of them stand out in the crowd of professionally and elegantly dressed business people.
ZELDA (to Hilda)
Hilda, everyone’s gawking at us.
HILDA
Well of course they are, they can’t believe how fabulous we look.
ZELDA (to a man staring at her)
Sir! Would you mind not staring at my planets? (to Hilda) Let’s just play it low-key and try to fit in.
Hilda follows Zelda away from the table they are standing by, but the hoop on her skirt attaches to a metal tray with canapés on it, sending them crashing to the floor…after, they walk out onto the viewing deck and are approached by a man in a tux with a martini, Nigel.
HILDA
Is this a fabulous new galaxy or what?
NIGEL
This galaxy’s a dump,
HILDA
Not the party mood.
NIGEL
No, it really is a dump. They built it as a land-fill for all the junk floating around in space.
HILDA
Are you telling me we got all dressed up to go to a dump?
ZELDA
Say land-fill, it sounds much better.
NIGEL (hands his empty glass to Hilda)
By any chance could you get me another? Shaken, not stirred.
HILDA
Sorry, double O Zero. We don’t work here, we’re invited just like everybody else. (gives Nigel back his glass)
NIGEL
Yes, I heard they had to scrape bottom to fill out the guest list. Huh, you know this is nothing like the opening of the Crab Nebula, that was a classy affair.
ZELDA
We weren’t there.
NIGEL (smirking)
I know. (hands his glass to Hilda as he walks off)
HILDA (shouting after him)
Euro trash! (to Zelda) I always wanted to call someone that.
***
Back at Sabrina's party, Sabrina is dancing beside a mummy who is in the middle of rolling off the gauze around him.
SABRINA
Do you like the music? It’s funk. Oh, but I guess you prefer rap.
MILES (over by the Cyclops)
Great costume, I love the fake eye. (reaches across to touch it, but the Cyclops blinks and he holds back)
ROXIE (dancing with Frankenstein)
That was some grand entrance you made.
FRANKENSTEIN
Gr'aghh!
ROXIE
I’m better at grand exits. People applaud when I leave.
FRANKENSTEIN
Gr'aghhh!
Sabrina approaches Roxie's side.
SABRINA
How’s it going?
ROXIE
He’s not much of a talker. I like that.
SABRINA
Colour me shocked, I would never have put you two together. (looks over and sees the Cyclops removing his head to show Miles his brain) Hey! Hey! Hey! Let’s keep it clean Cyclops. No flashing! (runs over)
MILES
I can’t figure out how he does that. Sabrina you are the Queen of Halloween.
SABRINA
Aargh, well I prefer to think of myself as humble shepherdess. Excuse me while I tend to my flock.
MORGAN
I’ve gotta hand it to you Spellman, for a girl who still carves pumpkins, you know how to have fun. This is the greatest party of all time.
SABRINA
And you’ve said that before.
MORGAN
Yeah, but this is one of the rare times when I’m being sincere.
JOSH
How about when you told me I was a great kisser?
MORGAN
We’ll talk.
GHOUL #1 (walking by on his mobile)
I’m telling you dudes, forget the Other Realm, this party is raging. Look, call everybody and tell them to get their decaying butts over here. Later.
Upstairs on the landing, Salem is making his subtle way into Sabrina's old bedroom, followed by an unknowing Muffy.
MUFFY
Why are you leading me towards the bedroom kitty? Do you wanna show me your little mousie?
She's almost about to follow Salem in...but is stopped when a thump of lightning sends the linen closet door flying from its hinge. Through Muffy's continual screams of scare, ghouls step through...and a little while after Muffy follows them down.
GHOUL #2
Trick or treat! Ha-ha!
SABRINA
Joyce must have found a few extra ghouls. Cool! (some more ghouls follow down) Wow! More ghouls. Great! (yet another hurtle of them come filing down from the portal) A hearst load of ghouls. Could be a problem.
***
Later on at the party, Sabrina is having a hard time trying to keep the place "tidy" for the arrival of her aunts.
SABRINA
Hey! Hey! Hey! Don’t jump on the ottoman. And you! If you’re going to shove devilled eggs up your nose, keep them there. Hey! Turn it down, you’re killing my ears!
GHOUL #3 (handing Sabrina his ear)
Here’s a spare.
JOSH
Wild party, Sabrina.
SABRINA (nonetheless excited)
Yeah, wa-hoo...
MORGAN
Those ghouls know how to party. They must be find house.
SABRINA (to a juggling ghoul)
Hey! No juggling the Waterford! This is my aunts house, we must respect their property! (the ghoul becomes distracted and the items he is juggling fall and smash apart) That was a discontinued pattern. I am so dead!
GHOUL #2
Been there. Still there.
***
Back at the Other Realm, Hilda and Zelda's party. The crowds are starting to cool away.
HILDA
The place is clearing out...and my Jupiter’s all sticky.
ZELDA
It looks like there’s some kind of after-party.
Hilda steps in front of the passing Nigel.
HILDA
Hey Mr. Nose In The Air, where’s everybody going?
NIGEL
Some place very exclusive. I’m sure I won't see you there.
Nigel continues on. Hilda turns to the janitor.
HILDA
Isn’t it awful the way people get left out of things?
JANITOR
I’d love to chat but I just got invited to a very exclusive party. (handing over his mop to Hilda) Would you mind? (walks off)
ZELDA (walking over)
Interesting, at home you won't even pick up a sponge but here…
HILDA
I’m not cleaning up, I’m going home...but I am taking the mop, I think you’ll really like it.
***
Hilda and Zelda appear through the linen closet portal at their house on the landing, the thunder clap and the lightning traditional entrance as they walk in on the party. The landing is full of people and ghouls having fun.
ZELDA
What happened to the door?
HILDA
What are all these people doing here?
ZELDA (looking around)
And why, once again, do I feel overdressed?
HILDA (hands over the mop to Zelda)
Here, this will help.
Nigel, the posh man from the party, is over talking to another witch.
NIGEL
I mean, what are the odds, going to two different dumps in one night? (laughs)
HILDA (she and Zelda approaching Nigel)
Excuse me but this is our dump!
ZELDA (to Hilda)
Say land-fill, it sounds much better. (to Nigel) And what are you doing here? You...you...(struggling to find the word)...meanie!
HILDA
Meanie?
NIGEL
I was told that a raging soirée was being thrown by someone named Sabrina.
HILDA
Sabrina?
ZELDA / HILDA
Sabrina...
Downstairs, Sabrina looks as though she's about to have a nervous breakdown.
SABRINA
This place is a total disaster and...(referring to a spillage on the piano)...who didn't use a coaster?
The room turns silent of music. Sabrina turns around and finds her aunts standing behind her.
ZELDA
A water stain on the piano is the least of your problems, Sabrina.
SABRINA
But it’s the only one I know how to solve.
HILDA (shouting)
All right! Everybody out, the parties over! (to a passing ghoul) Except you, you’re cute. (grabs his arm; but it is loose and detaches) And...buff.
The ghoul snatches back his arm as he turns to leave. The rest of the guests make their way out, the mortals through the front door and the...Other Realm creatures through the upstairs portal.
SABRINA (shouting)
OK, everybody leave exactly the way you came. Except for Joyce’s people, I have to return you myself.
HILDA
Joyce’s people? You used the Other Realm Party Planner? Oh, you are in so deep.
ZELDA
Throwing a party behind our backs?
SABRINA
Well, technically I did tell you about the party before you left.
ZELDA
I have half a mind to take away your magic...and the other half to take away your credit card.
HILDA
And the other half...oh. Sorry.
SABRINA
Look, I know this looks bad...and way over our deductible, but the idea came from a good place.
SALEM (on the couch)
I was in a good place. Muffy’s lap 'till you two botched it. Luckily she left her scrunchie. (inhales the "scrunchie" and shivers)
SABRINA
Everybody I know was dissing Halloween and as a witch I felt I should stand up for our holiday. You know, defend our heritage.
HILDA
Oh, apparently not our stem-wear.
ZELDA
Your intentions may have been noble but your actions were inexcusable. Not only were you sneaky but you mixed mortals with Other Realm creatures without our supervision.
SABRINA
I know, you’re right. I...I don’t know what I was thinking, I wasn’t thinking. I’m really sorry.
GHOUL #3
Look, before this turns into an after-school special, you should know we’re about to go into overtime.
SABRINA (to Hilda and Zelda)
Could I continue my apology after I get back?
ZELDA
Fine. This mess will be waiting for you...and so will we.
SABRINA
Well you know, if you feel like cleaning up a little before I get back...(she gets a look from both her aunts)...don’t you dare! (ushering up the creatures) Let's go...come on...out.
***
In Joyce's office at the Other Realm. Sabrina stands by Joyce as she checks all the monsters off, they are standing in a line.
JOYCE
One ghoul, one pirate, one mummy...wait a minute, the pirate is missing an ear.
SABRINA
Oh, I’ve got it right here. (hands over the ghouls' ear from her pocket)...Oh don’t mind the gum, a little lighter fluid will take that right off.
JOYCE
Oh, and The Cyclops is also missing a foot.
SABRINA
Oh darn! We were using it to stir the punch!
JOYCE
Unless you find it, I’m going to have to charge you. Now, where’s my Frankenstein?
SABRINA
Frankenstein?
JOYCE
Tall guy, square head, hates fire?
SABRINA
I know who he is, I just don’t know where he is.
***
Back in Hilda and Zelda's living room, Zelda is getting the meteors out of Hilda's head with pliers.
HILDA
Aw! (a meteor comes off) Aw! (another one) Aw! (the final few) Aw! Aw!
ZELDA (on finishing)
See, that wasn’t so bad.
HILDA
Oh yeah, it’s the last time I use actual meteors in my hair.
SABRINA (running down)
Aunt Hilda, Aunt Zelda, have you seen Frankenstein?
HILDA
Years ago at the drive-in. I always wondered, was there a lot of fog in that movie or just on the windshield?
SABRINA
No, not the movie, the real Frankenstein. I rented him for my party and now I’ve lost him.
ZELDA
You’ve lost a creature from the Other Realm?! You’d better hope he’s still in the house. Hilda, you check the basement, I’ll cover the upstairs.
SABRINA
And I’ll check the kitchen and...the moors.
***
Sabrina walks into the kitchen. Salem is on the table.
SABRINA
Salem, have you seen Frankenstein?
SALEM
Ahh, it was the summer of forty-two. I was having my illicit fling with Eleanor Roosevelt.
SABRINA (cutting Salem off)
No, not the movie, the actual Frankenstein.
SALEM
He left with Roxie. Looking very cosy I might add.
SABRINA
They left! Why didn’t you stop them?
SALEM
I was busy!
SABRINA
Doing what?
SALEM
Playing with my scrunchie.
Sabrina exits via the back door. Salem remains playing with his scrunchie.
***
Sabrina walks into the college house to find Roxie sitting at the sofa in the lounge room.
SABRINA
Roxie, have you seen Frankenstein? And I’m not talking about the movie.
ROXIE
Frankie’s in the bathroom. He’s so cute! I think he needed to ‘Tighten his bolts’
Sabrina
Roxie, you’ve got to forget about this guy. Believe me, he’s not like any guy you’ve ever dated.
ROXIE
I know, that’s what I like about him. He’s off-beat, quirky, rough around the edges.
Frankenstein himself comes walking out of the bathroom like a zombie, sending the door crashing.
FRANKENSTEIN
Gra'argh!
SABRINA
Maybe a little too rough. (to Frankenstein) Frank, I’ve been looking for you everywhere. Look, we’ve gotta get you costume back to Joyce’s rental place, now!
Sabrina starts dragging him away from Roxie. He tries resisting.
ROXIE
Can’t it wait? I was just about to light a fire.
FRANKENSTEIN (almost frightened)
Gra'argh…
SABRINA
Not a good idea. Come on Frank. (takes Frankenstein for the door)
ROXIE (calling after him)
But what about our date? Are we still on for next Saturday?
FRANKENSTEIN (nods)
Gra'argh!
ROXIE
You’ve got my number!
FRANKENSTEIN
Gra'argh.
He and Sabrina disappear out the door.
***
Sabrina comes running into her aunts living room through the front door, Frankenstein at her side.
SABRINA
Aunt Hilda! Aunt Zelda! I’ve found him!
Zelda
Oh, thank goodness.
SABRINA
He was about to put the moves on Roxie.
HILDA (to Frankenstein)
Shame on you, you’re a married man!
SABRINA
He’s married?
ZELDA
Of course, to the bride of Frankenstein.
HILDA
There was a lot of fog in that movie too...or was there?
They all file on upstairs into the landing. Sabrina pushes Frankenstein into the linen closet.
SABRINA
Hurry up, get in there. Did you use my apricot body splash?
FRANKENSTEIN
Gra'argh!
As she closes the door, and attempts to step through into the Other Realm, the portal doesn't seem to work. She steps out.
SABRINA
Just what I need. (calling out) Aunt Hilda! Aunt Zelda! The linen closet isn’t working!
HILDA (running up with Zelda)
Oh I’ll call Other Realm plumbing and portal. I hope they don’t send that guy with the butt-crack.
ZELDA
Wait, maybe there’s nothing wrong with the closet, maybe someone is refusing to go back.
FRANKENSTEIN
Gra'argh!
SABRINA
Sorry, I didn’t get that.
HILDA
He said the problems with the Mrs.
ZELDA
Well every marriage has problems. That’s no excuse for you to go chasing co-eds.
FRANKENSTEIN
Gra'argh!
ZELDA (to Sabrina)
I’ll handle this. (drags Frankenstein into the closet with Sabrina's crook) Frankenstein, you’re going to work things out with your wife by hook or by crook.
SABRINA
Oh, so that’s what that thing's for.
Sabrina and Hilda file in after Zelda and Frankenstein, and their trip proves successful this time.
***
The four of the reappear in Frankenstein's 1940's apartment. They appear in colour, but materialize into black and white.
SABRINA
Wow! Pretty ratty digs for a movie star.
ZELDA (to Sabrina)
I heard that his business manager took him to the cleaners.
Mrs Frankenstein walks over from the door, unhappily stomping over to her father.
MRS FRANKENSTEIN
Gra'argh! Gra'argh! Gra'argh! Gra'argh! Gra'argh!
SABRINA (to Hilda and Zelda)
No wonder he wanted to stay in the mortal realm.
FRANKENSTEIN
Gra'argh! Gra'argh! Gra'argh!
MRS FRANKENSTEIN
Gra'argh! Gra'argh! Gra'argh!
FRANKENSTEIN
Gra'argh!
MRS FRANKENSTEIN
Gra'argh! Gra'argh! Gra'argh! Gra'argh!
SABRINA
Aunt Hilda, what are they saying?
HILDA
You’re much too young to hear.
FRANKENSTEIN
Gra'argh! Gra'argh!
MRS FRANKENSTEIN
Gra'argh!
HILDA
Oh, the manners of those two.
ZELDA
Obviously they’re having trouble communicating. (beginning an incantation) Since Sabrina’s paying the overtime rate, let these two communicate. (points at the couple)
MRS FRANKENSTEIN
Gra'argh...we never go out!
SABRINA
That must be frustrating. I mean you’re here all day doing... you know, whatever it is you monster brides do. (to Frankenstein) Why don’t you take her out to dinner once in a while?
FRANKENSTEIN
I’m tired when I get home from work. All that walking around with my arms straight out.
SABRINA
Maybe you could try walking with your arms at your sides. (Frankenstein tries this and is happy with his outcome. Sabrina turns to Mrs Frankenstein) And maybe you could try rubbing his shoulders once in a while?
FRANKENSTEIN
That would be nice. (Mrs Frankenstein rubs his shoulders as Sabrina says) Oh, that’s good.
HILDA
This is where the fog usually shows up. Oh, why didn’t I bring a date?
FRANKENSTEIN (to Mrs Frankenstein)
Why don’t we stay in tonight?
MRS FRANKENSTEIN
Mmm, yes...(embrace and kiss)
ZELDA
Shows over, we’re out of here.
She zaps her finger, and she, Hilda and Sabrina are transported away. The linen closet flashes, Hilda, closely followed by her niece and sister, step out onto the upstairs landing.
ZELDA (to Sabrina)
Well, we got Frankenstein back to his house, now all you have to do is clean ours.
SABRINA
Of course, but first I have to explain to Roxie why her date for Saturday night isn’t gonna show up. Anybody got a good excuse?
HILDA
Why don’t you tell her the truth?
SABRINA
What, that I’m a witch and I rented actual monsters for my party and that was the real Frankenstein she was about to cuddle up with?
HILDA
I meant the other truth.
***
In the kitchen at the college house. Roxie is sitting on the counter with ice cream, Sabrina having just broke the news to her that Frankenstein is married.
ROXIE
He’s married?
SABRINA
I’m afraid so.
ROXIE
What’s his wife like?
SABRINA
Oh, shrieky voice, big hair, bad highlights.
ROXIE
I knew he was too good to be true.
SABRINA
I’m sorry, I never should have dragged you to my party.
ROXIE
No, it’s OK. I had fun and so did everybody else. We’re actually looking forward to next Halloween.
SABRINA
Well I guess I accomplished my mission then. I made people appreciate what a meaningful holiday it is.
Miles pops up at the window.
MILES
Look what I found in the punch bowl at your party! I think it’s a real human foot! This is so cool! (runs off)
SABRINA (shouting after him)
Don’t get too attached! It’s rented!
***
Outside, on Muffy's front porch. Muffy was a guest at Sabrina's Halloween party the previous night. Sabrina steps forward, ringing the doorbell.
MUFFY
Hi, Sabrina.
SABRINA
Muffy, are you all right? I mean, your message was kind of garbled on my machine, something about a stalker?
Muffy bends down and hands over Salem to Sabrina.
MUFFY
I found him pawing through my lingerie drawer.
SABRINA
I’m so sorry. He’s a sick, sick animal. But that’ll all change once I have him fixed.
Salem meows like a cat as Muffy closes the door. Sabrina takes him and walks away.
SALEM
You...you were just joking, right? (laughter) Right?
Sabrina grins as she walks on. Suddenly all we see is a black screen
SALEM (V/O)
Hey, this isn’t the way home!
***
END CREDITS
***
Based on characters appearing in ARCHIE COMICS
Episode originally written by Jon Vandergriff.
