Zelda is on her laptop in the kitchen, as Salem flicks through a catalogue.
SALEM
Ugly. Cheesy. That is so last year. Stupid pet catalogue, five bucks for a squeaker-mouse and it’s not even a good fuax-fur. These people don’t know diddly about cats.
ZELDA
Do they have a section on muzzles?
SALEM
No, why would a cat need a...(laughs) Aren’t you the witty one?
ZELDA (answering the phone)
Hello? Oh Hilda, that is so juicy...I understand, you’re sequestered and you can’t discuss the case. Call me the minute you break. (hangs up and turns to Salem) First day on Other Realm jury duty and Hilda’s already on trial and it’s a biggie.
SALEM
Is it that shady ring of magic-carpet cleaners?
ZELDA
No, the defendant is the Other Realm’s biggest and sleaziest supplier of black-market hot-tubs.
SALEM
Lou Packard!
ZELDA
You know him?
SALEM
We’ve broken bread. Lou taught me all about the world of commerce, how to move merchandise.
ZELDA
Wait a minute. You two were actually in business together?
SALEM
If Thailand could talk. I’ll tell you something, if Lou’s convicted and turned into a feline, he’ll be appalled by the outer-wear in this catalogue. I mean what cat with any self-respect would be caught dead wearing this? (Zelda looks in the catalogue and zaps a yellow souwester on Salem. He laughs) The joke's on you. I said a cat with self-respect.
***
OPENING CREDITS
***
Miles, Sabrina and Roxie are at the back of the line-up in English class to get their papers back from Professor Carlin.
SABRINA
I knew we should have shoved our way up to the front.
ROXIE
Why? He’s handing out English papers, not Macy Gray tickets.
SABRINA
Exactly. I kicked butt on that paper, I want to collect my A and slide into the weekend basking in the afterglow of a job well done.
ROXIE
Beats my weekend plans, helping my mother pick out her new toilet seat and recovering from the ‘F’ I’m about to get.
SABRINA
Do you really think you’ve failed?
ROXIE
No, but this way if I did, I won’t be disappointed.
MILES
I’m going shopping this weekend too. The Apocalypse Fest and Parking Lot Sale. Killer deals, everything is priced to move.
It's Miles turn.
SABRINA
Miles, you’re up. Look alive.
MILES (approaching Professor Carlin)
Professor Carlin, I don’t mean to lay a guilt trip on you but a bad grade could put a dark cloud over my entire apocalypse weekend.
PROFESSOR CARLIN (giving Miles his paper)
Bring me back a hat.
MILES
I always do, sir. (walks off)
SABRINA
Professor Carlin, I just want to say what a pleasure it is explore American literature with you. I mean as Mark Twain once said...(looking at her grade)...this bites the big one!
PROFESSOR CARLIN
Ah yes, Becky Thatcher in Tom Sawyer. He’s a real potty-mouth.
Sabrina walks out and joins Roxie and Miles in the corridor.
ROXIE
Sabrina, are you all right?
SABRINA
No, I’m not all right, I got a C! A C!!
In the nick of time, some dramatic music from an orchestra starts playing...very odd, until they find that the door to the music room down the corridor is open.
ROXIE
Big Deal! You got a C, it’s not like it’s the first one you’ve ever gotten. (Sabrina gives her a look) Oh my god, it is.
SABRINA
Roxie, this papers my future. I mean getting a C is like being told ‘Nice try, now go hose down the Slurpy machine.’
ROXIE
Hey, I got a C and I have no intention of hawking big gulps for the rest of my life.
MILES
I got a D...and a giant question mark.
SABRINA
I’m sorry guys, you know how I am about my grades.
MILES / ROXIE
Psycho.
SABRINA
Hey, I worked really hard on this paper, I just don’t get what the problem is.
ROXIE
The problem is Carlin. He doesn’t want to spoil his reputation as the toughest teacher at Adams.
MILES
And not to mention he’s a pawn of the establishment. No connection between Huckleberry Finn and the rise of the military industrial complex? Please! (walks off)
SABRINA
Mystery solved about his grade.
ROXIE (placing her arm around Sabrina's shoulder)
You’re gonna obsess about this aren’t you?
SABRINA
No, obsessing is what Miles does. I prefer confrontation.
ROXIE
You hate confrontation.
SABRINA
Good point, would you go ask Carlin why he gave me a C? (Roxie gives her a look) Fine, I’ll do it...but you owe me.
Sabrina walks off in the opposite direction, approaching Professor Carlin, who is just about to open the door to the toilet. Sabrina quickly zaps the doorknob jammed.
SABRINA
Professor Carlin.
PROFESSOR CARLIN
Oh, hello Sabrina.
SABRINA
Aargh, I don’t mean to be disrespectful or anything but I just wanted to talk to you about the grade you gave me on the Huck Finn paper. I think it is completely bogus and totally ridiculous.
PROFESSOR CARLIN
I like students who aren’t afraid to express their opinion. Keep up the good work.
SABRINA
Professor Carlin, this is a well constructed essay, my footnotes were awesome, I triple checked for typo’s, I even included that bonus paragraph ‘Factoids of the mighty Mississippi’
PROFESSOR CARLIN
Look Sabrina, the mechanics of your paper were good but your thesis lacked depth, originality and...and punch.
SABRINA
It was ousting with punch!
PROFESSOR CARLIN
If you want to argue that Huckleberry Finn is about hypocrisy in society, I’m all for that but...but you need specifics to back it up. Um, how did Huck’s upbringing impact his relationship with Jim as they rode down the river? Oh, why did I have to say ‘river’?
SABRINA
Still, I don’t think I deserved a ‘C’
PROFESSOR CARLIN
Well just argh, work harder on your next assignments and eventually you’ll get that P... I mean B...I’m gonna try the third floor. (runs off)
SABRINA (calling after him)
B? I want an A!
A loud banging comes from the interior of the men's bathroom.
SABRINA
Oops.
She zaps the door and releases the trapped students inside, walking away.
***
Zelda comes walking down into the living room talking on the phone.
ZELDA
Hilda, Lou Packard has swindled hundreds of gullible women out of their life savings...well yes, I’m sure he has a very nice smile...no, I will not go to your bank and make a withdrawal. Call me later.
Zelda hangs up the phone and proceeds into the dining room.
ZELDA
I can’t believe it, Hilda is developing a crush on Lou Packard...(Salem is at the dining table with a load of products around him)...What on earth? What is all of this? Salem, what’d you do, rob a Petco?
SALEM
Petco? Please, these are all custom designed Salem Saberhagen originals.
ZELDA (reading the label on a bottle)
‘Anti-tick shampoo with hohoba’?
SALEM
Zellie, witness the rebirth of animal retail. My new business! (reveals his signage) Cat-Opia!
ZELDA (reading the banner)
Furniture...Apparel...Cuisine. Pour le chat a la mode... For the cat with ice-cream on top?
SALEM
The cows in accounting came up with that.
ZELDA
Salem, you can’t open a store. You’re no good with the general public and you have no thumbs.
SALEM
Not a factor baby-doll, this is strictly an Internet operation catering to the millions of felines with discretionary income.
ZELDA
I hate to burst your bubble, but not many cats know how to work a computer.
SALEM
Please! Show me a cat that can’t work a mouse. (laughs)
***
Sabrina, Roxie and Miles are again at the back of the line up in their English class to receive back their papers.
MILES
I’ve got a much better vibe about this paper, I’m feeling very confident.
ROXIE
Then why did you chew off nine of your fingernails?
ILES
I need the fibre.
SABRINA
We’ve got nothing to be nervous about. I told you guys what Professor Carlin said about supporting our arguments, we all worked very hard on our papers and I’m sure it’ll be reflected in our grades. (looking at her paper as it is handed to her) But don’t go by me.
Roxie and Miles follow Sabrina out into the corridor.
SABRINA
I can’t believe this, we did everything he wanted and we all got Cs!
MILES
This is awesome! I shot up to average, in a month I could be working the curve. (walks off)
SABRINA
This is insane! I mean, I supported my thesis twenty-five different ways. This paper is filthy with sub-text!
ROXIE
Spellman, when are you gonna' realize? It doesn’t matter how hard you work for Carlin, a C is the best grade anyone ever gets in his class.
***
Zelda is walking along the exterior pathway outside Adam's talking on her mobile phone.
ZELDA
Hilda, I don’t care how dreamy Lou’s eyes are, love notes do not usually contain the words ‘Or else’ (notices Sabrina) Oh honey, I’ve got to go. (hanging up and tuning to Sabrina) Hi Sabrina, how did you do on your English paper?
SABRINA
I got a freaking C, OK!
ZELDA
You’re kidding! Oh I thought it was a wonderful paper, I loved the way you identified Hawthorn’s symbolic use of colour, Dinsdale’s white, lofty brow, Chillingworth’s black heart and Hestorprin’s scarlet leather.
SABRINA
All it got was Sabrina’s big, fat C! Maybe I’m just not cut out for college, maybe I should drop out, join a road crew and pick up trash along the highway? I could meet interesting felons, work outdoors, plus I’m one of the few people who looks really good in orange.
ZELDA (laughs)
Honey, you’re not picking up trash, you’re going to stay in school and finish your education.
SABRINA
You know, I used to love English, it was always my favourite language but now, I don’t care if I never read another novel as long as I live.
ZELDA
Oh honey, you know I know plenty of tough graders but turning students off to learning really cracks my corn. I’m going to give professor Carlin a piece of my mind.
SABRINA
No, please don’t! Look, I don’t want Carlin singling me out because I went and cried to my auntie.
ZELDA
I’m not going in as your aunt, I’m going in as an educator, I’ll be professional and discreet. You know how good I am with people. (another professor passes them) Oh Professor, so sorry to hear your wife left you. (walks off)
PROFESSOR (to Sabrina)
She did?
***
Zelda enters Professor Carlin's classroom and finds him at the front wiping down the chalkboard.
ZELDA
Excuse me, are you Professor Carlin?
PROFESSOR CARLIN
Yes I am. (turning to Zelda) Aargh, I’m afraid I’ve already hired my graduate TA.
ZELDA
Oh, you thought I was a gradu...(laughs)...aren’t you sweet.
PROFESSOR CARLIN
Depends on who’s asking. And you would be?
ZELDA
Single...I mean Zelda...(now stern) I mean Professor Zelda Spellman.
PROFESSOR CARLIN
Hi, Zelda. (shakes hands with Zelda) I’m Arthur. Aargh, it’s a pleasure to finally make your acquaintance, I’ve been hearing wonderful things about you.
ZELDA
Really?
PROFESSOR CARLIN
They say the quality of the science departments gone up twelve notches since you came aboard.
ZELDA
Oh well, I do have a passion for physics. I try to use it to inspire my students.
PROFESSOR CARLIN
That’s very admirable.
ZELDA
Thank you.
PROFESSOR CARLIN
You’re welcome. (they stare at each other for a moment) So, um...not that you needed a reason, but argh, what brings you here?
ZELDA
Oh yes, argh, my niece, Sabrina. (realizes) Oh! I wasn’t supposed to say that. Oh look, just between us, she’s feeling very frustrated about her Hawthorn paper, which I read and thought was quite good.
PROFESSOR CARLIN
It was good...but not great. A great paper would have explored Hawthorn’s frequent use of mirrors to reveal the characters inner thoughts and argh, well the emotional tension between them. (looks deeply at Zelda) I’m surprised that wasn’t obvious to you.
ZELDA
Well, I just skimmed it really. But the issue is bigger than this one paper. I’m afraid that by being so tough on your students you’re destroying their morale.
PROFESSOR CARLIN
Zelda, I know I’m not the world's easiest teacher but I feel my role is to raise the bar and show these kids that they’re capable of doing better. That’s what’s going to prepare them for the demands of the real world.
ZELDA
It’s true, it’s very competitive out there. Oh, things were so much simpler when I went to school. We went to class during the day, studied at night and fought the Ottoman Empire on the weekends. (Professor Carlin gives her a look) Rival football team.
PROFESSOR CARLIN
Football fan, are we?
ZELDA
Well, I certainly could be.
For a moment they stare at each other with romantic passion.
***
Zelda bumps into Sabrina while walking through the corridor.
SABRINA
So, did you talk to Carlin?
ZELDA
Oh! Um, we chatted some.
SABRINA
Well, what did he say?
ZELDA
Oh, this and that.
SABRINA
What this? What that?
ZELDA
Well he said that if you work harder you’ll get a better grade...and something about mirrors that I didn’t quite understand.
SABRINA
That’s all you got out of him, that I have to work harder?
ZELDA
That’s the gist of it. Gotta go.
SABRINA (stopping Zelda)
Whoa, whoa, whoa...I have a feeling there’s something you’re not telling me.
ZELDA
Oh, all right, Professor Carlin and I have a date tonight.
SABRINA (taken by surprise)
A date? You went in there to bolster student morale and you came out dating the enemy?
ZELDA
Sweetheart! He’s not Saddam Hussein, he’s a man of strong convictions trying to get the best out of his students. I’m convinced that if you really apply yourself your hard work will pay off. (walks off)
SABRINA (calling after Zelda)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, thanks for nothing aunt, Sell-Out!
***
Sabrina, Roxie and Miles are congregated together in the corridor, having just received their latest papers back from Professor Carlin.
SABRINA
This is incredible! I can’t believe I got an A on the Hemingway paper.
MILES
That’s the first A Professor Carlin has given out this decade.
SABRINA
You know, I didn’t believe it but I guess it’s true. If you really apply yourself, your hard work will be rewarded.
Roxie looks over and see Zelda and Professor Carlin looking flirty against each other.
ZELDA
So, what time are you picking me up for our date tonight?
PROFESSOR CARLIN
The sooner the better.
Zelda gives a flirty laugh.
ROXIE
Looks like you’re not the only one applying herself.
SABRINA
What does that mean?
Sabrina looks over at her aunt and Professor Carlin.
ROXIE
Your aunt's doing all the work and you’re the one getting rewarded. (walks off and pats Sabrina on the shoulder in the process)
MILES
Congratulations on your A. (walks off)
Sabrina looks guiltily over at her love struck Aunt and Professor Carlin.
***
Miles is staring at Sabrina on the couch. Roxie is in the kitchen making some coffee.
SABRINA
Stop staring at me!
MILES
I can’t help it, I never thought that you would be the one to rip apart the moral fabric of academia.
SABRINA
What can I say, I’m good with my hands. For the hundredth time, my A had nothing to do with my aunt dating Professor Carlin!
ROXIE
Miles, would you just lay off of her. We should admire Sabrina.
SABRINA
Thank you, Roxie.
ROXIE
She was just using her wits and her aunt's body to get the grade she couldn’t earn on her own.
SABRINA
I did earn it! That A was a huge accomplishment for me!
MILES
Of course! Another milestone in your insatiable quest to climb the ladder of corruption and evil! (walks off; Roxie sits in his place)
ROXIE
Hey, I’m on your side. Remember me when you reach the top.
***
Sabrina is in hers and Roxie's room looking over her English paper.
SABRINA (reading)
Through his juxtaposition of the ravages of war to the beauty of the landscape, Hemingway reveals his personal code on a world fraught with cruelty and suffering. This is a darned good paper. I earned that A! ...or maybe this is an average paper and I earned the eternal contempt of my friends and classmates. I need another opinion, but where am I gonna find someone who’s impartial and objective with a strong ethical sense?
SALEM
Greetings, little lady.
Sabrina looks over at the window and finds Salem, dressed like a business man.
SALEM
May I please speak to the feline of the house?
SABRINA
What are you doing?
SALEM
Branching out from the Internet to direct sales. I need your opinion on my new products.
Sabrina takes a bottle from his suitcase.
SABRINA
Saberhagen’s miracle worm elixir. Eliminates worms, blemishes and limp-whisker syndrome. What’s in this?
SALEM (laughs)
Like I’d tell you. Patent pending.
SABRINA
Salem, I don’t have time for your snake-oil hucksterism, I’ve got to figure out if I earned that A or Professor Carlin just gave it to me because he’s dating aunt Zelda.
SALEM
Dating? For the past week he’s been chasing her around the house like an animal in heat. Speaking of which, can I interest you in a home spaying kit?
SABRINA
An animal in heat?
SALEM
Twelve ninety-nine and you get a full refund should you inadvertently have kittens.
***
Professor Carlin is just about to enter a classroom, when Sabrina zaps the door jammed again. She comes running to his side.
SABRINA
Professor Carlin, do you have a minute?
PROFESSOR CARLIN
Argh, maybe later Sabrina, I have a class...if I can just get this door open.
SABRINA
I’ll be quick, I just wanted to talk to you about this thing between you and my aunt.
PROFESSOR CARLIN
Ah yes, the exquisite Zelda. (dreamily) Hey, you never told me your aunt was a vision of loveliness, not unlike the young Lady Chatterley.
SABRINA
Funny, I don’t know how that didn’t come up in class. Listen, can I ask you about my grade?
PROFESSOR CARLIN
You must be quit pleased about finally getting that A?
SABRINA
I’m outraged! I mean, it’s one thing to work hard for an A but it’s another one to be handed one you may not deserve because your aunt is dating your English professor.
PROFESSOR CARLIN
I don’t like what you’re implying Sabrina.
SABRINA
OK, maybe you didn’t do it on purpose but if you were easier on me than everyone else, that’s just not right.
PROFESSOR CARLIN
I...I don’t understand it, first you complain that my grades are too hard, now they’re too soft?
SABRINA
I just want what’s fair. I would really like it if you would re-read my essay and give me the grade I deserve?
PROFESSOR CARLIN (takes back Sabrina's paper)
Right, fine, if it’ll make you happy, I’ll take it home and have a look at it tonight. (trying to open the door) What is with the doors in this building?
Sabrina quickly zaps the door again and Professor Carlin is sent head-over-heels into the classroom.
SABRINA (calling)
Thank you! (walks off)
***
Zelda comes down into the living room on the phone to Hilda.
ZELDA
No Hilda, even if he is proven innocent, I have no intention of double dating in a hot-tub with you, Lou and his brother Stu! (hears a beep from the living room) Oh, what now!
A small, yellow truck with Cat-Opia merchandise attached to it comes driving into the living room, with Salem steering.
SALEM (looking at Zelda's outfit)
Hey foxy mama, what you doing later? I knock off at five.
ZELDA
I’m gonna knock you off right now! (on phone) Hilda, I’ve gotta go! (hangs up)
Zelda runs over to the piano where Salem is stacking boxes of merchandise against each other.
ZELDA
Salem! Arthur’s going to be here any minute, I can’t have you driving around the living room on a fork lift!
SALEM
Sorry, but one of my boys called in sick.
ZELDA
Oh!!
SALEM
Oh! Oh, feast your eyes on this baby.
He pounces onto a mini-chair.
ZELDA
I know I’m going to be sorry I asked this, but what is that?
SALEM
Meet ‘The Relax-O-Cat’ The one stop feline pleasure centre. Let me demonstrate. (he presses a button on the arm and the chair starts to hum and vibrate) Go work it baby.
ZELDA
Disgusting! (the doorbell rings) here! Floor show's over.
SALEM
In a minute, this is the best part.
ZELDA
No, this is the best part.
Zelda zaps him and he is bounced from his seat and ejected into the kitchen, where he lands on the counter beside the peanut butter.
SALEM
Hmm, peanut butter. Interesting.
Zelda tidies herself over and goes to open the door.
ZELDA
Hi.
PROFESSOR CARLIN
Hello. You look absolutely ravishing.
ZELDA
Thank you. (fans herself) I’ve always depended on the compliments of strangers.
PROFESSOR CARLIN
I believe the correct Tennessee Williams quote is The kindness of strangers.
ZELDA
I was making a joke. Well, I’ll get my bag and we’ll be on our way.
PROFESSOR CARLIN (following Zelda and looking around)
Hey Zelda, what is all this junk?
ZELDA
Oh, just a few odds and ends. Shouldn’t we be going?
PROFESSOR CARLIN (reading)
‘The Ultimate Kitty Colon Cleanser’
ZELDA
Um, I’m thinking of starting a little business on the side. (pushes the fork lift out of the way) I like to dabble in different, fun things.
PROFESSOR CARLIN
The Cat Colon Cleansing Company?
ZELDA
You have to admit, you don’t see anyone else doing it.
PROFESSOR CARLIN (noting the merchandise)
Kitty Culottes? Feline Footwear? Zelda, you shouldn’t be wasting your time with this nonsense.
ZELDA (agitated now)
It’s my time! I can do what I want with it. Why are you always telling me what should and shouldn’t do?
PROFESSOR CARLIN
It’s just...I hate dabblers.
ZELDA (listing on her fingers)
You also hate wines that aren’t from France, restaurants without matre’d’s, movies without subtitles...
PROFESSOR CARLIN
Oh, that’s not true. I enjoyed ‘Bonfire of the vanities’...of course, that was after a bottle of excellent French burgundy.
ZELDA
As usual, you’re missing the entire point. You criticise everything.
PROFESSOR CARLIN
Zelda, all I was trying to say was, it’s the dabbler’s and dilettante’s of the world who lower the bar and undermine the work of serious thinkers.
ZELDA
And it’s the narrow minded, judgmental blowhard’s of the world who stifle creativity!
PROFESSOR CARLIN
I hate those people too.
ZELDA
I was talking about you!
PROFESSOR CARLIN
Is that another one of your little jokes?
ZELDA
Do you see me laughing?
***
Sabrina walks into the kitchen through the back door and joins Salem at the front counter. She is holding a suitcase.
SABRINA
Hey Salem, you left your sample case at my house and there’s an awful odour coming from it.
SALEM
Yeah, that worm elixir only has a shelf life of one hour, but I’ve got a new idea that’ll go through the roof! Fleanut Butter!
SABRINA
Actually, that doesn’t sound too bad...but I just might be giddy because of my moral victory with professor Carlin. I might be getting a lower grade. Wo-who!
ZELDA (V/O shouting)
Pompous jerk!
PROFESSOR CARLIN (V/O shouting back)
You frivolous little dilettante!
SALEM
You should really be happy now, it sounds like Zelda’s gonna score you an F. Wo-who!
SABRINA
Oh no...
Back in the living room, Zelda and Professor Carlin are still arguing.
Zelda
I have had it with your knit-picking perfectionism! Always demanding that I do better. Hello! Physically impossible!
PROFESSOR CARLIN
I was trying to inspire you but obviously you’re a hopeless case!
ZELDA (drawing in on him)
You infuriate me!
PROFESSOR CARLIN (drawing in on her)
Well you disgust me!
ZELDA (another step closer)
You repulse me!
PROFESSOR CARLIN (right in Zelda's face)
Are we gonna kiss now?
ZELDA
No!
PROFESSOR CARLIN
Just checking!
Sabrina walks in holding a tray of fruit.
SABRINA
Hi guys, want some dried fruit?
PROFESSOR CARLIN
No thank you, I was just leaving.
SABRINA
Oh, come on, the figs are really yummy.
PROFESSOR CARLIN
Yummy? You call yourself a college student? You sound like a five year old.
ZELDA
How dare you insult my niece!
SABRINA
No, no, no! He was right to insult me. I'd like to substitute ‘Yummy’ with ‘Gastronomically pleasing’
ZELDA
Don’t pander to him! If you want to say yummy, you say yummy. If you want to call him a big dummy, you go right ahead.
SABRINA
But I don’t want to.
ZELDA
Well I do. (to Professor Carlin) Dummy, dummy, dummy, dummy, dummy!!!! Nannynannynannynannygo.
PROFESSOR CARLIN
And on that mature note, I bid you adieu. (turns away, Sabrina goes after him)
SABRINA
Wait! Wa-a-a-ait!!! (calling out after him) She doesn’t know what she’s saying! She’s not my real aunt! (to herself) I am so getting an ‘F’ (closes the door)
***
Sabrina is walking along in the corridor at Adam's, carrying a basket of goodies. Roxie walks up to her.
ROXIE
So, we’re into bribes now? That is so Godfather. I like it.
SABRINA
It might be my last chance to salvage a descent grade.
ROXIE
You really think pork pate and a heart salami is gonna help you? (looking at a product in Sabrina's basket) And what’s that stuff?
SABRINA
Fleanut butter. (Roxie gives her a look) I’m desperate!
Sabrina turns and knocks on Professor Carlin's classroom door. He is sitting at one of the front desks, deep in thought.
SABRINA
Good morning, Professor Carlin.
PROFESSOR CARLIN
Hello Sabrina.
SABRINA (approaching)
I just wanted to bring you some things to apologise for the whole ‘dilettante aunt’ debacle.
PROFESSOR CARLIN
Debacle? It’s a good word, definitely a step up from yummy.
SABRINA
You know, who was I to argue with your whole grading method? Some naive college student, that’s who. So I say let bygones be bygones, you know, we go back to the original grades, start afresh. Paté?
PROFESSOR CARLIN
No thanks. So Sabrina, I re-read your paper and argh, you were right, the grade I gave you wasn’t fair, so I’ve changed it.
SABRINA (fearful)
Why’d I open my big mouth? (receives the paper from him and looks at her grade) A plus? Are you drunk?
PROFESSOR CARLIN
When I went through it again I discovered nuances I’d missed in the first read. You did a truly superior job, you deserved a better grade.
SABRINA
Even though my aunt called you pompous?
PROFESSOR CARLIN
Well...I can be a bit pompous sometimes so I’m afraid I owe Zelda an apology.
SABRINA
You know Professor Carlin, I just want to point out that you have a lot of bright, motivated students. And I think it’s great that you want to raise the bar but...sometimes you have to meet us half way.
PROFESSOR CARLIN
Point taken. Spellman, you’ve got a lot of gumption.
SABRINA
Gumption? Is that the best word you can come up with?
PROFESSOR CARLIN
Yes it was.
SABRINA
And I’m fine with that, great word. (walks out flicking her hair)
***
In the Other Realm, Lou Packard's back yard. He and Salem are in a hot tub together. Salem is rolling cigar.
SALEM
Great to see you again Lou, the years have been good to you.
LOU
You too. Hmm, we’ve got some memories don’t we Saberhagen?
SALEM
We’ll always have Bangkok.
LOU
You know, I thought I was a gonna' this time. Thank God for that ditzy blonde who kept winking at me from the jury box.
SALEM
That’s my Hildie. So let’s get down to business, are you ready to buy me out and make a fortune cleaning cat colons?
LOU
I’ve done worse.
SALEM
Yeah! To me!
The two of them burst out laughing.
LOU
Schnapps?
SALEM
Please.
Lou pours them a drink each.
LOU
To us.
They exchange the traditional bang of glasses to say "cheers". Lou turns on the Jacuzzi.
SALEM (in delight)
Oh hohoho! I got the good jet!
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END CREDITS
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Based on characters appearing in ARCHIE COMICS
Episode originally written by Adam England
