Sabrina is sitting at the table in the kitchen looking at the mail.
SABRINA (reading)
Happy holidays from the York family.
ROXIE
More like the Dork family. What is it about Christmas that makes people want to wear matching outfits?
SABRINA
Oh, the Yorks' dress alike for every holiday. Last St. Patrick’s day, they were all leprechauns. Cute on the baby, disturbing on everyone else.
MORGAN
Speaking of disturbing, Josh can’t come home with me for Christmas. His family is dragging him to Aruba to stay at some five star resort on the beach. Poor thing, he’ll be pining for me all week.
Miles comes into the room, carrying with him his bags after Roxie and Sabrina share a gazed look.
MILES
Well, time for another joyous, uplifting Hanukkah with my family. Oh, I almost forgot my ant-acid.
SABRINA
You know, I’ve never been to a Hanukkah celebration. What does your family do?
MILES
We light candles, spin the cradle and then twelve people attack a helpless brisket. I’d better take the Imodium AD. (looking through the medicine cabinet) Well I’m off to my parents...unless I’m abducted by aliens on the way, God willing. (exits)
SABRINA
So Roxie, what’s your family doing for Christmas?
ROXIE
The usual. We put up an aluminium tree, get take-out from Taco Bell and I watch my dad and step mom exchange cartons of Winston Lights.
MORGAN (coming over to the table with her coffee)
Your family exchanges cigarettes?
ROXIE
Hey, It’s just not Christmas without a visit from jolly old St. Nicotine. (walks off into her room)
MORGAN (to Sabrina; taking Roxie's seat)
I guess I should feel thankful. Next to these guys, Christmas with my family seems so normal.
SABRINA
I wish mine did. Just once I’d like to have the perfect white Christmas in the country. Ski-chalet in Vermont, sleigh rides, roasted goose, cutting down your own tree...
MORGAN
Throw in some home made pfeffernuesse and you’ve just described Christmas with my family.
SABRINA
Wow, nothing says Christmas like goose and pfeffernuesse.
MORGAN
Hey, why don’t you come with me? Oh, it would be so great to have a friend along.
SABRINA
Oh, I’d love to, but I can’t. I always spend Christmas with my aunts and this year it’s our turn to host a huge celebration for all our relatives.
MORGAN
Oh, well that sounds like a lot of fun too.
SABRINA
Yeah, fun, insane. It’s such a fine line in my house.
MORGAN (laughs)
Well if you change your mind about Vermont, you’re always welcome. (takes her letters and goes upstairs)
Sabrina opens a letter from a relative, a pop up card.
UNCLE OLAF
Merry Christmas, Sabrina. We can’t wait to see you at your house. Love, uncle Olaf and aunt Dotty.
AUNT DOTTY
Care for a sneak preview of my blubber bowl?
SABRINA
Oh no thanks, I want to have something to look forward to. (as she closes the card some jelly falls out) Ewgh! Blubber!
***
OPENING CREDITS
***
Hilda is cooking in hers and Zelda's kitchen. She holds out a sample to Sabrina on a spoon.
HILDA
Taste this.
SABRINA
Mmm. Eggy...and nutmegy with a slight aftertaste of...wart?
HILDA
It’s legnog. The secret is to use fresh gremlin legs, never frozen.
SABRINA
No, the secret is to ask what’s on the spoon before I let you stick it in my mouth.
ZELDA (over at the table)
I think I’ve finally got our sleeping arrangements while our guests are here. Hilda, you’ll be bunking with me, and Salem, you’re sleeping under the stairs with cousin Ira.
SALEM (on the bench)
Anybody but that creepy little elf!
ZELDA
What do you have against Ira?
SABRINA
A, he stabs me with his pointy ears and B, he likes to watch me when I clean myself.
ZELDA/SABRINA/HILDA
Ew!
SALEM
Mm-hm.
ZELDA
Sabrina, you’ll be doubling up with the sugarplum fairy.
SABRINA
Just what I need, a twinkle toes on a sugar rush who grinds her teeth all night.
ZELDA
Hey now, this is no time to be a gloomy Gus. The holidays are upon us, we’re gonna' have a wonderful Christmas.
SABRINA (sarcastic)
Yeah, a wonderful Christmas.
Sabrina is having a fantasy. In her mind she is sitting next to Morgan in a sleigh as snow falls down on them.
SABRINA/MORGAN
# Jingle bells, Jingle bells
Jingle all the way.
Oh what fun it is to ride
in a one horse open sleigh. Hey!
SABRINA
Morgan, look! Baby deer. Oh they’re so cute. This is what I call the perfect Christmas.
MORGAN
And this is what I call the perfect Christmas present.
Two attractive men approach them, with their skis rested against their shoulders.
GUY 1
Hello ladies.
SABRINA
Oh, well apparently Santa got my list.
MORGAN
We’ll see you on the slopes tomorrow...right after we have our perfect Christmas dinner with roast goose, cranberry stuffing and eggnog.
SABRINA
Wo-who! I love eggnog.
HILDA (V/O)
It’s legnog.
Cuts back to the present, Hilda offering the spoon at Sabrina again.
HILDA
Try it again. I added a soupson of webbed feet.
SABRINA
Aunt Hilda, aunt Zelda, would you guys mind if I wasn’t here for Christmas this year?
SALEM
Dibs on bunking with the fairy!
ZELDA
Sabrina, what are you talking about?
SABRINA
Morgan’s family invited me to go skiing with them and as much as I’d miss you guys, I’d really like to go.
ZELDA
Well, Sabrina, if you want to be with Morgan’s family at Christmas, we’ll understand.
HILDA
We will?
ZELDA
Sabrina shouldn’t be here just because she feels obligated.
HILDA
She shouldn’t? That’s why we’re here.
SABRINA
Thanks, Aunt Zelda, I knew you’d understand. I gotta' go call Morgan.
Sabrina runs into the living room.
HILDA (sitting down at the table)
I can’t believe Sabrina doesn’t wanna' be with family at Christmas.
ZELDA (following Hilda)
Well she’s in college now, meeting new friends. She doesn’t wanna be with her boring old aunties when she could be off shushing down the slopes.
SALEM
I say our little Sabrini has forgot the true meaning of Christmas. Which reminds me, this year I’d like sturgeon and cash.
***
Sabrina and Morgan come into the Cavanaugh's Christmas cabin living room.
MORGAN
Welcome to a Cavanaugh Christmas. (calling) We’re here!
SABRINA
Wow, it’s even more perfect than I pictured. You wouldn’t, by any chance, have cute baby deer running around would you?
Chip, Morgan's brother, comes and greets them.
CHIP
Hi!
MORGAN
Hi! (she and Chip hug)
SABRINA
Even better.
CHIP
I’m Morgan’s brother, Chip.
MORGAN
This is Sabrina.
Morgan's parents come downstairs as Sabrina and Chip keep with custom and shake hands.
MR CAVANAUGH
Hey!
MRS CAVANAUGH
Hello!
MORGAN
And this is my mom and dad. Hi!
MR CAVANAUGH
Hi.
They hug and kiss Morgan.
SABRINA
Wow, it’s great to meet you. I hope you don’t mind me tagging along with Morgan. I mean, she just made your Christmas sound so perfect.
MRS CAVANAUGH
Well it will be now that you’re joining us. How about a cup of mulled cider to warm you up?
SABRINA
Thanks. Oh, you don’t, by any chance, have those little cinnamon thingies to stir it with?
MRS CAVANAUGH
What do you think?
MR CAVANAUGH
Sabrina, make yourself at home. If there’s anything you need, just give a holler.
SABRINA
Oh I wouldn’t wanna' do that, I might wake myself up.
CHIP
If anybody’s interested, I’ve got the tree all ready to decorate.
MORGAN
Oh, or maybe you’d like to do something more relaxing, like roast chestnuts?
SABRINA (motivated)
On an open fire? With Jack Frost nipping at my nose?
MORGAN
Pace yourself. You don’t wanna' peak before we deck the halls.
MR CAVANAUGH
Hey Chip, why don’t you help the girls up to their rooms with their luggage?
CHIP
With pleasure.
MORGAN (to Sabrina)
Come on.
SABRINA (to herself; following Morgan upstairs)
Well it doesn’t get any better than this.
The three of them walk into Sabrina's bedroom. Chip puts down her bags.
SABRINA
Wow, it does get even better.
CHIP
I’ll see you down stairs.
SABRINA (thinking out loud)
I’d like that...I mean, argh...yeah, sure. (Chip walks out)
MORGAN
You can put your clothes in the closet and the bathroom’s through there, but come on. I wanna' show you the view from my room.
SABRINA
Hey, your brother's really cute. Is he dating anybody?
MORGAN
No. You know, for some reason, he just can’t seem to find the right girl.
SABRINA
Oh, well maybe the right girl just needed to find him.
As Sabrina and Morgan leave, the zipper on Sabrina's suitcase on the bed starts to open itself...and Salem pops his head out. He has stowed away.
SALEM
Oh, phew! It’s been a long ride, I need to freshen up. (goes off in the direction of the bathroom)
***
Back at Hilda and Zelda's, they are readying the kitchen for the arrival of their guests, setting out the table.
HILDA
I still say if we’d tied a tether to Sabrina’s back, she couldn’t have abandoned us at Christmas...and we could have had a vigorous game of tether-ball.
ZELDA
I guess this really won’t be the same without her. We’re going to have to reconfigure the seating arrangements.
HILDA
Just don’t put Blitzen near the liquor cabinet. They don’t call him that for nothing.
ZELDA (looking through the cupboard)
I can’t find the dish I use for my emu casserole.
HILDA
I lent it to Sabrina. I’ll go get it, even though the last thing I wanna' do is get stuck in the holiday rush.
Hilda puts on her coat and zaps herself – in a bang of smoke, she is gone.
***
Hilda magically appears in the kitchen at Sabrina's house, her hair ruffled.
HILDA
Oh! It’s madness out there. All right, where’s that dish?
Hilda starts banging around in the kitchen looking for the dish, unaware of Roxie's presence in the living room on the couch. She has a book on her lap, and is half asleep...until she is woken up.
ROXIE
Whoever you are, I’m warning you, I have a black belt!
HILDA
Roxie?
ROXIE
OK, it’s charcoal, but it goes with the shoes. (walking over to Hilda) Hilda, what are you doing here? And what’s with your hair?
HILDA
A better question is, what are you doing here? Sabrina said you were at home enjoying a delightful Christmas involving cigarettes.
ROXIE (walking into the living room again)
I lied, I’m not going.
HILDA (following Roxie)
Well Roxie, don’t you wanna' spend Christmas with your family?
ROXIE (sits down on the couch)
And eat look-warm chalupas while listening to my parents cough up a lung? Pass!
HILDA (sitting next to Roxie)
Well you can’t spend Christmas sitting here all by yourself.
ROXIE
I’ll be fine. I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me.
HILDA (embracing Roxie)
Oh you poor, pathetic, dear.
ROXIE
Like that.
***
Back at the Cavanaugh's holiday cabin, Morgan is hanging decorations on the Christmas tree, Chip is untangling lights, Mr Cavanaugh is lighting a fire and Mrs Cavanaugh is in the kitchen baking. Sabrina comes downstairs and takes in the sight.
SABRINA (to herself)
Oh, if only I could freeze this moment...actually, I can, but that would be kind of creepy.
MRS CAVANAUGH
Ah Sabrina. Would you like to help me with the cookies? I could use a hand.
SABRINA (walking over to the kitchen)
And I’ve got two. Baking cookies at Christmas time is one of my favourite things to do.
MRS CAVANAUGH
Well isn’t that nice. (uses a pastry cutter to cut circles of cookie mix) Of course, you’re not expected to stay in the kitchen three hundred and sixty-five days a year. (stabs down with the cookie cutter) Like a dutiful wife (with more force)...Trapped (with even more force) Behind (yet more force) her apron!
SABRINA
Argh, maybe I’ll just go and see how Chip’s doing with those lights. (walks over to Chip at the couch) Hey, need any help? Another one of my favourite things to do at Christmas time is untangle lights.
Chip hands her a messy pile of tangled lights.
CHIP
Knock yourself out.
SABRINA (sitting on the arm rest beside Chip)
So argh, Morgan tells me that you’re pre-med at Harvard. That’s great.
CHIP
The truth is, I dropped out two years ago but I haven’t told my parents because I want those cheques to keep coming. Keep that under your hat.
SABRINA
No problem, as long as you promise not to do anything ending in ‘ectomy’ or ‘urgery’.
CHIP
Hey, do you wanna know another secret?
SABRINA
Nope, ones enough for me!
Putting down the tangled lights, Sabrina walks over to Mr Cavanaugh at the fireplace.
SABRINA
So, can I do anything?
MR CAVANAUGH
Stupid thing wont light!
MRS CAVANAUGH (walking over; to Sabrina)
I’ll tell you what you can do. You can show, iron deficient, John over here how to split a log! Any idiot knows you have to split a log if you want it to burn.
MR CAVANAUGH
Oh I’ll burn something for ya! I’ll burn this whole house to the ground!
SABRINA (turning away)
Note to self: check smoke detector in my bedroom.
***
Hilda walks into the living room of hers and Zelda's house through the front door, holding a tray and with Roxie following in her path.
HILDA
OK, I just have to go talk to Zelda for a quick minute. Stay. Sit.
ROXIE
I’m not a dog.
HILDA
I know, I just don’t want you to run away. Or chew anything up.
***
Zelda is in the kitchen reviewing her cook book as she prepares.
ZELDA (reading)
‘Line pan with emu mixture, then top with cream of mushroom soup and durkish fried onions.’ (now situated at the table)
HILDA (entering)
Hi.
ZELDA
Hi. Oh good, you brought the casserole dish.
HILDA
That’s not the only thing I brought. I found Roxie hiding out at Sabrina’s house, so I invited her to spend Christmas with us.
ZELDA
What? Are you mad? We have relatives coming from the Other Realm. (goes back to the counter, Hilda follows)
HILDA
And a poor, pathetic girl from this realm who has nowhere to go on Christmas! She’s sitting out there like a dog.
ZELDA
You know what? We could tell the relatives to move the celebration to aunt Ruby’s and you I could give Roxie a traditional, mortal Christmas!
HILDA
Great! Now we just have to figure out what that is.
***
Sabrina and Morgan are admiring the Christmas tree. Carollers outside are singing Silent Night.
SABRINA
Wow, it’s beautiful!
MRS CAVANAUGH
Except for that one crooked icicle, courtesy of my inept husband. (Sabrina straightens the decoration)
SABRINA
There, now it’s perfect.
MORGAN (alone with Sabrina)
Thanks Sabrina. Look, I...I know my family’s a little nuts...
SABRINA
Oh, don’t worry about it. You wanna' see an assortment of nuts? Come over to my house.
Mr Cavanaugh comes racing down the stairs in a flurry with a fire extinguisher.
MR CAVANAUGH
That’s it!
SABRINA
What’s your dad doing with a fire extinguisher?
Mr Cavanaugh runs over and opens the door on the carollers.
MR CAVANAUGH
All right you whinny bunch of choirboys! I’ll give you a real silent night! (runs outside)
SABRINA (to Morgan)
OK, your family wins first prize in the crazy contest.
MRS CAVANAUGH (to Morgan)
Your father's at it again! (to herself) Early new year's resolution, have him committed! (runs out the front door)
MORGAN
Oh, will you excuse me? It’s usually my job to calm down the police.
Morgan runs out after her family members. Sabrina closes the door and turns back.
SABRINA
OK, this is officially not the perfect Christmas.
SALEM
Bah! Humbug!
Sabrina finds Salem hiding in the tree.
SABRINA
Salem, what are you doing here?
SALEM
I couldn’t stand the thought of cousin Ira staring at me, so I stowed away in your suitcase. By the by, you might want to run a lint brush over your unmentionables.
SABRINA
Salem, you can’t stay here. You weren’t invited.
SALEM
Nobody invited the wise men. Goow! Rum-balls!
Salem goes for the goodies placed out on the coffee table.
SABRINA
You’re so out of here!
Sabrina holds up her finger, ready to zap Salem away...but stops when Chip comes out.
CHIP
Hey, where did the cat come from?
SABRINA
Oh, he’s mine. I’m sorry, he, argh...stowed away... I mean, he accidentally ended up in my luggage. Don’t worry, I’m going to send him home right now.
CHIP
But it’s over two hundred miles, and it’s freezing out there.
SABRINA
Oh, he’ll be fine. Didn’t you see The Incredible Journey? Animals do that kind of thing all the time.
CHIP
Let him stay. I love cats.
SABRINA
But what about the rest of your family? I mean, your father can barely tolerate the carollers let alone...(Chip is staring weirdly at Salem)...Chip?
Sabrina gets no reply, and waves her hand in front of his face in attempt to gain his attention, but, still nothing.
SALEM
Ghe!
***
Hilda is looking over a book called "Mortal Christmas for Dummies", while Zelda stands in the kitchen holding a tray.
HILDA
These are all foods mortals love at Christmas time. Candy-cane, fruit-cake and eggnog.
ZELDA
I still don’t know why they leave out the leg? That’s what gives it the kick.
Hilda and Zelda walk into the living room and find Roxie sitting on the couch watching TV.
ZELDA
Roxie, here’s your tray of traditional Christmas goodies.
ROXIE (standing as she takes the tray)
For me? Thanks. (inhales) They smell great.
HILDA
Fabulous recipe. Got it out of Mortal Christmas For Dummies.
ROXIE
Mortal Christmas?
HILDA
More till Christmas and even more till new years.
ZELDA
You’d better take your tray upstairs, you don’t wanna' be awake when Santa arrives.
ROXIE (sarcastic at first)
Wouldn’t wanna' do that. You guys are so cute! (goes upstairs)
ZELDA (as Roxie has gone)
Well, unless we wanna' be up all night, we’d better get those presents under the tree.
The two of them point underneath the Christmas tree with their magic fingers and in an array of sparkles, an assortment of presents appear.
HILDA
Phew! I’m exhausted. Thank goodness Christmas comes just once a year.
The two of them relax down on the couch.
***
Sabrina is pacing around in her room at the cabin. Salem is on the bed.
SABRINA
What a nightmare. If I’d wanted to see a freak-show, I would have stayed at home.
Sabrina sits down beside Salem on the bed.
SALEM
I’ll give you a nightmare. A full grown man staring at you for three hours without blinking!
SABRINA
Still, it’s gotta be crazier back at my aunts house.
She zaps in front of her a crystal ball, and looks into it to find her aunts sitting on the couch in the living room with their tray of goodies singing.
CRYSTAL BALL HILDA/ZELDA
Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Fal-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la....
SABRINA
Where is everybody? There is no drunken reindeer! No...no...no hyperglycaemic fairies?
SALEM
No cousin Ira?
SABRINA
I can’t believe it! The one year I decide to go away and they have the perfect, normal Christmas.
SALEM
Let’s blow this loony, log cabin.
SABRINA
But Morgan invited me, what excuse will I give her?
SALEM
We hate here.
SABRINA
Well you write the note, I’ll pack.
SALEM
Got it.
Sabrina gets up, but there is a knock at her door. She has just enough time to cover up her crystal ball when Morgan pops in.
MORGAN
Hey Sabrina, I just wanted to apologise for my family.
SABRINA
Oh no need. You know, you're family's...no need.
MORGAN (entering)
I thought that if I brought a friend up here they might actually behave themselves. Apparently I was mistaken.
SABRINA
Oh, well Morgan, you won't have to worry about that much longer...
Morgan crosses to Sabrina's opposite side.
MORGAN
I know, I know. Christmas will be over tomorrow night. Thank you for putting up with all this. There is no way that I could get through the next twenty-four hours without a good friend like you.
Morgan embraces Sabrina in a hug of friendship. Sabrina and Salem exchange glares.
MORGAN
Well, good night.
SABRINA
Good night. (Morgan exits; Sabrina turns to Salem) You’d better start bathing now, I hear that Chip wakes up really early.
***
Christmas morning. Zelda comes downstairs into the living room dressed in her night gown, only to find that Hilda has beaten her awake.
ZELDA
Merry Christmas, Hilda.
HILDA
Merry Christmas, Zelda.
ZELDA
Ha! Listen to us.
ZELDA/HILDA
We sound like mortals.
Roxie comes downstairs and joins them.
HILDA
Merry Christmas, Roxie.
ZELDA
Merry Christmas, Roxie.
ROXIE
Merry Christmas. (notices the presents under the tree) Wow, I guess Santa did show up last night.
ZELDA
Yep! And he brought you all these presents.
ROXIE
Really?
Roxie picks up a present, and Hilda snatches it from her.
HILDA
Well, except for that one. That one’s for me...no, I’m kidding! (handing the gift back) They’re all for you.
ROXIE
I can definitely get into this holiday!
***
Christmas morning over at the cabin. Sabrina and the Cavanaugh's are all gathered around the seating in the lounge room exchanging gifts.
MORGAN
Thank you, Sabrina. Oh this is so pretty.
SABRINA
Well, you’re always borrowing mine, so I bought you your own.
MORGAN
Then I guess I should give you yours back. (turning to Mrs Cavanaugh) Mom, open the present I got you.
MR CAVANAUGH
If you’re not too looped on the rum-balls.
MRS CAVANAUGH
It’s the only way to survive Christmas with you.
MORGAN
I hope you like it. I think it’ll look really good on you.
Mrs Cavanaugh opens the present.
MRS CAVANAUGH
Oh well, this...is not exactly my colour and oh, that fabric is itchy.
MR CAVANAUGH
It doesn’t matter, all she wears to bed is sweat suits anyway... and she’s still cold as ice.
SABRINA
Well I think it’ll look beautiful on you Mrs. Cavanaugh. What do you think, Chip?
Sabrina looks over at Chip, but he is busy staring at Salem.
SALEM (V/O in thoughts)
What is he staring at? I’m not doing anything! That guy's whacko!
Salem starts to move away...Chip suddenly comes back.
CHIP
Where are you going, little kitty?
Chip places Salem on his lap.
MORGAN
Aargh, dad.
MR CAVANAUGH
Yeah?
MORGAN
This is from me. I think it’s something that you’ll really enjoy.
MRS CAVANAUGH
Oh, I hope it’s a log splitter...or better yet, a real man to split them.
MR CAVANAUGH
Ha! (opens the present) Hey!
SABRINA
Wow, a signed Carl Yastrzemski picture. That’s so cool!
MORGAN
I looked all over town for it. I know what a big Red Sox fan you are.
MR CAVANAUGH
It doesn’t look like an original signature. Course how would you know you were getting ripped-off with a cheep reproduction? Boy, they saw you coming.
MORGAN (hurt)
Guess I can’t do anything right.
SABRINA
Of course you can. That’s a very thoughtful gift and a very flattering picture of Yas.
MR CAVANAUGH
I hope you kept the receipt?
Morgan runs outside, her feelings hurt by the lack of appreciation shown by her mother and father.
MR CAVANAUGH
Why does she do that every time she gives me a gift?
SABRINA
Well, it might have something to do with the way you say thank you. I’m gonna go get some air. Come on Salem.
CHIP (defensively)
The cat stays here.
Putting on her coat, she follows Morgan outside onto the porch and sits beside her friend on the bench.
SABRINA
Hey, are you OK?
MORGAN
I am such an idiot! I keep fooling myself into thinking that one year I am actually going to have a normal Christmas.
SABRINA
Yeah, well, normal is relative.
MORGAN
Yeah, too bad my relatives aren’t normal.
SABRINA
Well they aren’t the most appreciative bunch but... Well, you know, I thought the night-gown was beautiful and the autographed picture, totally awesome!
MORGAN
I should have given them to you. (sighs) No matter how hard I try, all my parents do is criticise.
SABRINA
Well, have you ever spoken to them about the way they treat you?
MORGAN
Yeah, like that would do a lot of good.
SABRINA
You know Morgan, I don’t mean to butt-in but before you write this Christmas off, maybe you should go in there and tell them how you feel? And I’m not just saying that because my tongue is starting to freeze to my teeth. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen?
MORGAN
Dad could spray me with the fire extinguisher.
SABRINA
So, you’re wet and foamy, but you’ve started a dialogue.
MORGAN
Sabrina, I really appreciate your trying to help, but I just...I...I wanna' get through this and get out of here with whatever dignity I have left.
As they hear a horrid screeching from the window, they look over and find Salem pawing against the glass trying o escape. Chip comes and take him back.
SABRINA
You’re not the only one.
***
Roxie is opening another present from Hilda and Zelda.
ROXIE
‘Dirges and funeral marches of the middle ages’ Tell me it has Grieg’s Elegy on it?
HILDA
The original and the re-mastered dance mix.
ROXIE
You guys are the greatest! (hugs Hilda) I’ve got something for you too.
ZELDA
Oh, presents for us?
ROXIE
It’s nothing really, I didn’t have much time to shop.
She hands Hilda and Zelda a bag.
HILDA (forced excitement)
Lotto tickets!...and Gatorade!
ROXIE
When I snuck out at midnight, the Seven-Eleven was the only place open.
ZELDA
I love Gatorade. I’ve tried to make my own but it’s never as smooth. Perhaps I’m using the wrong kind of gators.
ROXIE
Hey, you guys don’t have to make a big deal about the gifts. I...I know they’re not much.
HILDA
It’s not the gifts that are important, it’s the thought behind them...and you sneaking into that Seven-Eleven speaks volumes.
Zelda hugs Roxie.
***
Back at the cabin, Sabrina is scrunching up the wrapping paper from her present.
MRS CAVANAUGH
Oh no, no, no Sabrina! We can save that. Oh why waste money on gift wrap when we can use it again and again?
SABRINA
Now I’m starting to understand how you’re able to afford the chalet.
MR CAVANAUGH (to Morgan)
Were you able to find that receipt for the Yastrzemski picture?
MORGAN
I didn’t keep it.
MR CAVANAUGH
What do you mean, you threw it away?
MORGAN (starting to get angry...)
Dad, I thought that was the one gift you wouldn’t return!
MR CAVANAUGH
Well I certainly can’t now.
MRS CAVANAUGH
Watch it! Watch it! Watch it! (runs over and takes some wrapping paper from Morgan) Honey! Oh, you’re crinkling perfectly good gift wrap! Oh great, you’ve ruined it.
MORGAN (yelling)
Oh, give me a break! It is a piece of gift wrap! You’ve been using it since nineteen eighty-six!
Sabrina gives Morgan a nod.
MR CAVANAUGH
Morgan, what’s gotten into you?
MORGAN
All you two do is criticise! Well I don’t deserve it! And...and...and I don’t have to take it anymore! And I finally realised that, thanks to my good friend, Sabrina.
Morgan runs off upstairs. Sabrina follows after her in the awkward aftermath.
SABRINA
Gotta go! (heads upstairs but turns back) Oh, but before I do, I just wanna' say one thing. All Morgan is trying to do here is have a nice Christmas with her family, but you guys treat her terribly. And you don’t treat each other very nicely either and if you can’t be nice at Christmas, I don’t even wanna' know what goes on here at Easter. Come on, Salem. (takes him from Chips' lap) We’re out of here. (goes upstairs)
CHIP (calling after Sabrina)
No! Don’t take the cat!
MR CAVANAUGH
I thought we were having a nice Christmas.
MRS CAVANAUGH
Well, so did I.
MR CAVANAUGH
Yeah.
***
Roxie, Hilda and Zelda are gathered around the piano in the living room.
ZELDA/HILDA
# Trill the ancient Yuletide carol...
Sabrina and Salem enter.
ROXIE
# Fal-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-laaaa.
SABRINA (disbelieving)
Roxie? You’re singing?
ROXIE
No I’m not! I was just clearing my throat. (coughs) Fal-la-la-la-la, la-la-la...la.
SABRINA
What are you doing here?
HILDA
I found her hiding at your house, so I invited her to spend Christmas with us. What are you doing here?
ZELDA
Yeah, we thought you were having the perfect Christmas with Morgan’s family?
SABRINA
Well perfect is relative and, compared to them, my relatives are perfect.
HILDA (hugs Sabrina)
I’m glad you’re home, honey.
ZELDA (kisses Sabrina)
Oh, merry Christmas sweetheart.
ROXIE
I can’t believe you’d wanna spend the holidays anywhere else. Your aunts really knock themselves out when it comes to Christmas.
A reindeer suddenly comes wandering in from in the kitchen...Zelda runs over to it.
ZELDA
Blitzen! Didn’t you get my E-mail about the change of plan?
ROXIE
Wow, a real reindeer! You guys are amazing! I’m coming here again next year.
SABRINA
Yeah well, if you’re looking for the perfect Christmas, everything you need is here. Friends, family, reindeer (looking), lotto tickets?
HILDA
Oh, I won! I’m going to the liquor store to get my two dollars. Blitzen, I believe you know the way. Don’t you just love Christmas? (walks out with the reindeer)
***
Roxie walks into hers, Morgan's, Sabrinas' and Miles' house, carrying a large bundle of presents. She is closely followed by Sabrina. Salem is on the counter.
ROXIE
Sabrina, your aunts are so generous. (walks off)
SABRINA
Yeah, that’ll teach me to leave at Christmas time. (finds Miles filling the fridge up with leftover food) Hey, what’s all this?
MILES
My mother packed us a few leftovers. We have enough potato latke's and brisket to clog all the arteries of everyone in New England.
Miles closes the door and heads off. Morgan comes from upstairs and sits on the couch.
MORGAN
Sabrina, I just got off the phone with my dad. You will be happy to know that he is not returning the Yastrzemski picture after all. He decided to put it on his desk at work.
SABRINA
That’s fantastic!
MORGAN
You know, you’ve really made an impression on my family. In fact, they want you to come back next Christmas.
SABRINA
That is so...not going to happen.
MORGAN
I totally understand. Oh, but Chip says, anytime you need a cat-sitter…
Salem screeches and jumps down from his position on the counter.
SABRINA
Also, not gonna happen.
***
END CREDITS
***
Based on characters appearing in ARCHIE COMICS
Episode originally written by Jon Vandergriff
