At the coffeehouse. Sabrina is following Hilda around, pestering her with party ideas for her 650th.
SABRINA
Aargh, what about if I throw you a bowling party for your birthday? Aargh...a clambake on the beach? Aargh...ice skating on the dark side of Pluto?
HILDA
No, no, and again, no.
SABRINA (following Hilda)
Well, OK...a sit down dinner? A stand up dinner? A lay down brunch? Stop me when you hear something you like.
HILDA
Sabrina, I do not want a birthday party. I do not want one on the beach, I do not want one with a Sneech, I do not want one up in space, I do not want one anyplace!
Sabrina steps in Hilda's path as she goes to turn.
SABRINA
A party in Whoville? (Hilda gasps and walks on, Sabrina follows her again) It's your 650th. That's big, we have to do something.
HILDA
I agree. We have to get back to work, and never mention the word "birthday" or "party" ever again.
Hilda walks on into the kitchen. Sabrina goes and stands at the counter, where Josh is pouring some coffee into a mug.
SABRINA (to Josh)
Did you hear her?
JOSH
No, I try and tune her out as much as possible.
SABRINA
I want to throw her a birthday party but she says she doesn't want one.
JOSH
Sure she does.
SABRINA
So, when she says never mention the word 'party' again, what she really means is "bring in the noise, bring in the funk"?
JOSH
Sabrina, when someone says they don't want a party, it means they really do want a party. They just want it to be a surprise.
Josh tries to squirt some whipped cream out of the can he is aiming at the mug, but nothing comes out.
SABRINA
You think?
JOSH
Yeah. Everyone loves a surprise.
Sabrina zaps her finger at Josh as he point the whipped cream can at his head, and it goes squirting all over him.
SABRINA (with a smirk)
Well, almost everyone.
***
OPENING CREDITS
***
The Spellman kitchen. Zelda is pouring a cup of coffee behind the counter, Sabrina standing opposite. Salem is on the table.
SABRINA
I finally found an Other Realm bakery that will make Hilda's favourite: Angel food cake with devilled ham.
ZELDA
Sabrina, you're wasting your time. I've thrown her hundreds of parties over the years and she hated everyone.
SALEM
She wasn't the only one. Boring.
ZELDA
What do you know? (going to the table) I'll have you know, people are still talking about that bash I threw for her 400th. Eight of the world's most renowned astronomers pondering the universe over a vegetable lasagne.
SALEM (as Sabrina and Zelda sit down)
They weren't pondering, they were sleeping.
SABRINA
Well, this party is gonna' be great. I spent the whole weekend rounding up her friends from the past. I even went through her address book.
SALEM
And I went through her drawers. Nothing going on there.
SABRINA
I've invited all of her girlfriends from the Other Realm High, including the Future Hexmakers of America and the Potionettes.
ZELDA
Eye of newt, rargh, rargh, rargh, worts and strychnine, blah, blah, blah. I can't stand those cackling hens.
SALEM
Oh, good. The gargoyles are coming. Have you heard from the Griffins?
SABRINA
Only Merv. He's trying to get out of a dinner with Siegfried and Roy.
SALEM
Gosh, you invited Sally O'Brien, my old flame. I'll never understand why she dumped me.
SABRINA
You became a cat.
SALEM
Still, you work with people.
SABRINA (to Zelda)
Will you be able to get Hilda out of the universe for a couple of hours so we can surprise her?
ZELDA
Hmmm...well, she has been talking about this Mexican restaurant over on Orion's Belt. They say the chalupas are out of this world.
Hilda walks down into the kitchen. Sabrina hides her notepad.
HILDA
Hi. What are you doing?
SABRINA (anxious)
Nothing.
HILDA
What's wrong?
SALEM/ZELDA/SABRINA
Nothing.
HILDA
It's my dress, isn't it? If you hate it, why don't you just say so? (pause) OK, I'll say it for you. Hilda, I hate your dress. Go change. Fine, if you put it like that. I will. (walks back upstairs)
ZELDA (to Sabrina)
Oddly enough that's the one dress of hers that I like.
***
Hilda and Zelda's living room is packed with guests for Hilda's surprise party. There is a big cake on the table.
SABRINA (as she passes some guests)
Hi, hello...hi. Thanks for coming. (to the guests) Hilda will be here any minute, she's gonna' be so excited to see you. (approaching a woman) Can I take your coat? (the woman spins around and we find that her body is the fur) Oh...
Sabrina smiles awkwardly and walks over to Salem, who is sitting on the top of the couch in a suit.
SABRINA
Well, you seem pretty reserved this evening. I thought you were a party animal?
SALEM
I'm saving myself for Sally.
SABRINA
Oh, I think she's right over there.
Sabrina points over to a woman standing by the piano engaged in conversation with another guest.
SALEM (inhales)
Oh, I'll shall say she is!
Salem runs and jumps on top of the piano, getting the attention of Sally.
SALEM (to the approaching Sally)
What's wrong, gorgeous? Cat got your tongue? Or do you just wish he did?
SALLY
Salem Saberhagen. You rake. (bends down)
SALEM (laughs)
I also mow. But we can talk yard work later. (chuckles) Oh, the year's have been good to you, Sally.
SALLY
And you've got a little hummus on your whiskers. You still give me the goose bumps, fella.
SALEM (clears his throat)
Meeee-ooowww!
Upstairs, the linen closet portal opens and Hilda follows Zelda out onto the landing.
ZELDA (shouting out obviously)
Well, Hilda. Here we are, back out the house!
HILDA (V/O from upstairs)
Duh, I'm not in a coma.
SABRINA
Quick, everybody hide!
Sabrina zaps her fingers and the room becomes empty of patrons in a dazzle of sparks. Hilda and Zelda are walking down the stairs.
HILDA
I don't know what's in those Other Realm tacos, but argh...they always give me the worst...
As they step into the living room, the guests appear again in array of sparks.
GUESTS
Surprise!
Hilda screams with shock when she looks around.
***
Hilda is sitting on the couch with a group of her friends and their kids.
HILDA
Remember how cute Sir Galahad was? He was the best jouster in senior class.
ROZ
If anyone would know, you would.
They burst out laughing.
ZELDA (at the piano beside Sabrina)
Oh! That noise. It's worse than nails on a blackboard.
SABRINA
I think it's great. I haven't seen Aunt Hilda this happy since she went water-bed shopping with Casanova.
Again, Hilda and her girlfriends burst out in their annoying laugh.
ZELDA (to Sabrina)
Hand me a couple of those cheese balls.
SABRINA (offering Zelda the plate)
I thought you were watching your cholesterol.
ZELDA
I am.
Zelda puts a cheese ball in each of her ears. Hilda stands and crosses to Sabrina.
HILDA
Sabrina, have you had a chance to meet everybody? (taking Sabrina past the back of the couch) This is Roz, and her son, Barry.
ROZ
Hello.
HILDA
This is Eleanor, and her daughter, Grace. Isn't she adorable? (taking Sabrina and Zelda into the dining room where two monkey's are standing) And this is my old college roommate, Tess, and her son, Bo-Bo. (turning to Zelda) Zelda, you have cheese in your ears. What are you thinking? (takes the cheese balls out) These are for the guests. (puts them back on the plate)
Sabrina, Hilda and Zelda walk back into the living room.
SABRINA
I think it's so great you all brought your kids.
ROZ
Oh, can you believe we're all moms? Except for Hilda.
HILDA
I'm not ready to have children. Right now I'm just dating guys that act like them.
ZELDA
Hilda's priority is her career.
SABRINA
That's right, she's an entrepreneur. A very high-level beverage broker.
ELEANOR
Yes, I heard you bought a coffee shop.
HILDA
It's a coffeehouse. Right now I'm focusing all my energy on getting it off the grounds. (laughs)
ROZ
Oh, honey. Besides, you never needed kids to give your life validation. That's what we admire about you.
HILDA
Thank you. I admire that about me too.
ELEANOR
What an inspiration. You're secure enough to live the rest of your life with your spinster sister and not even be bothered by it.
ZELDA(sarcastic)
Yup, really miss seeing these people.
Sabrina is looking around in the dining room, she is standing in front of the two monkeys.
SABRINA
OK, who ate all the cheese balls?
The mother-monkey grins and laughs.
***
After the party, Hilda, Zelda and Sabrina are in the kitchen cleaning up.
HILDA (giving Sabrina a hug)
Thanks for the party, Sabrina. It was fantastic.
SALEM (on the bench)
Tell me about it. Sally was all over me like a cheap suit. Not unlike the one I'm wearing.
ZELDA
Well, I must admit, that despite the food, the guests and a gift from Bo-Bo in the laundry room, the party wasn't half bad.
SABRINA
Thanks, Aunt Zelda. You know, if this college thing doesn't work out, I might go into the party-planning business. I think I have a knack for making people happy.
All of a sudden, Hilda sits herself down a seat and starts whimpering.
HILDA (upset)
I wish I were dead.
ZELDA (sitting beside Hilda)
Oh, dear. (Sabrina sits down on the opposite side) Perhaps the party triggered a lot of deep-seated feelings. You haven't seen those hens...I mean, friends, for over 400 years and now they're gone.
HILDA
You think that's it?
ZELDA
Well, it could be. (walks to the kitchen)
SABRINA
Plus, you know, big birthdays are always emotional. I mean, when I turned 2, I remember I cried like a baby. Oh yeah, I was a baby.
ZELDA (sitting back down and handing Hilda some tissues)
All you need is a good night's sleep.
HILDA (upset)
And a case of tissues. (gets up; turns back) Ewgh. I smell monkey. (walks off)
***
Later on, Sabrina turns off the lights in the kitchen and walks on into the living room to find Hilda, sitting on the couch, an emotional wreck with a large pile of tissues on the coffee table.
SABRINA (sitting down)
Aunt Hilda, I thought you went upstairs?
HILDA
I can't sleep. I'm buzzing.
SABRINA
Oh, it must be all the excitement from the party, huh?
HILDA
No, I'm literally buzzing. Listen to this. (presses Sabrina against her chest and releases her after a buzzing sound is heard) What do you think it is?
SABRINA
Did you swallow the oven timer again?
HILDA
You are never gonna' let that go, are you? (blows her nose)
SABRINA
That's not good, and it's definitely not mortal. We gotta' get you to an Other Realm doctor.
HILDA
I hate doctors. They're always poking you and asking you if it hurts. Of course it hurts, you just poked me! (blows her nose and the buzzing goes off from her chest again) Knock it off!!! (hits her chest)
***
Sabrina is sitting down at the waiting room in the hospital with a clipboard. Zelda is pacing around with panic.
INTERCOM VOICE (V/O)
Dr Corn, please call radiology. Dr Corn, please call radiology.
ZELDA
What is taking so long? Hilda has been in that exam room forever.
SABRINA
She's been in there five minutes. Why are you so nervous?
ZELDA
Well, she's my sister. Sure, she may drive me crazy, have obnoxious friends...be a little flaky, loud, overbearing, a complete slob...what was I trying to say?
SABRINA
How much you care about Aunt Hilda.
ZELDA (crossing her chest)
I love that woman.
***
In the exam room, Hilda is lied up on the chair and Dr Braverman is pressing a stethoscope against Hilda as her chest buzzes.
HILDA (as Dr Braverman finishes)
Well, what do I have? Rickets? Ringworm? Tapeworm? Smallpox? Largepox? Mumps? Bumps?
DR BRAVERMAN
Hypermenosynchrosim, type two.
HILDA
I went to clown college, OK? Break it down for me.
Dr Braverman magically extracts from Hilda's stomach a small clock.
HILDA
Wow. You think you'd remember swallowing a thing like that.
DR BRAVERMAN
Oh, you didn't swallow this. This is your biological clock. (it beeps) Oh, and it's running a little fast. Has anything unusual happened recently?
HILDA (with a shrug of her shoulders)
No. I've just been going to work. My niece just threw me this fantastic birthday party, where all my friends showed up with their kids...(breaks down into a mess of tears)
DR BRAVERMAN
Oh, that's it. Your biological clock is telling you, you want to have a baby.
HILDA
But I'm not ready to have a baby. I don't have a husband. I don't have a boyfriend. I don't even have a test tube.
DR BRAVERMAN
I understand. Why don't you leave your clock with me, I'll recalibrate it and get you some more time.
HILDA
God, I love being a witch.
DR BRAVERMAN
You can pick it up tomorrow afternoon. Unless you have an HMO, then we're talking about next year.
HILDA
Don't worry, I have Broom Cross Broom Shield. I'll see you tomorrow.
DR BRAVERMAN
Oh, one other thing. You might find that without your clock, you have a few mood swings. I mean, you might act a little loony.
HILDA
Trust me, no one will notice the difference.
***
Sabrina is still sitting down on a seat outside, eagerly waiting with the stood Zelda.
SABRINA (filling out the clipboard)
Does our history have any history of abnormal levitation?
ZELDA (sitting down)
Well, during the 60s, but everybody was floating higher then. (she and Sabrina stand as Hilda comes out) Oh, finally.
SABRINA
What did he say?
HILDA
My biological clock is out of wack. I left it here to get adjusted.
ZELDA
Will you be all right without it?
HILDA
Of course I will. I just may experience some (shrieking) irrational moments! (resumes normality) But then I'll be fine. (walks off)
***
The following day, at the coffeehouse. Hilda is walking around with the coffee pot in the main lounge area, when she is called over by a customer reading the newspaper. Sabrina is behind the counter.
CUSTOMER #1
Excuse me? Could I get a refill?
HILDA (peering in the customers' mug)
No, finish what you've got.
CUSTOMER #1
It's cold.
HILDA (raising her voice)
Swallow it, or be flogged!
CUSTOMER #1
OK, I'm out of here.
HILDA (tapping his shoulder as he walks off)
Thanks for coming. Tell your friends.
Hilda walks off behind him and Josh approaches her, having just witnessed everything.
JOSH
Hilda, are you OK? You seem a little...moodier than usual
HILDA (now happy)
Everything's fine. But I appreciate your concern. (gives him a tap on the shoulder, turns away, and turns back angrily) Or is it concern? (cornering Josh) Perhaps you're hoping that I'll croak so you can take over the coffeehouse. (walking over to a customer) Do you need a refill, honey?
Josh walks over to Sabrina, behind the counter.
JOSH
What does a nervous breakdown look like?
SABRINA
Oh, Aunt Hilda's not having a nervous breakdown. She's having...mechanical difficulties.
JOSH
Yeah, I'll say. She's got more loose screws than Home Depot.
HILDA (screaming at the top of her lungs)
If I don't get that clock back today, I am gonna' off somebody!!!!!!!
SABRINA
OK, maybe she is. (approaches Hilda) Aunt Hilda. Hey, why don't I go by the hospital and see if your clock's ready to be picked up?
HILDA (anxiously yelling)
Why, you think I can't handle it?
SABRINA
No, not at all. (to Josh) Hide the sharp utensils.
HILDA (to Sabrina as she walks off)
Drive safe.
***
Sabrina walks up to the reception desk at the hospital.
SABRINA
Hi, I'm here to pick up a package for Hilda Spellman.
RECEPTIONIST
I have a lot of packages. Do you have a claim cheque?
SABRINA
I'm sorry, she forgot to give me one. She's been a major-league nutzo all week.
RECEPTIONIST
Mmm-hmm? Biological clock. Got it right here. Careful, it's wet. (handing the bag to Sabrina)
SABRINA (taking the bag)
Thanks. I'm grateful and grossed out at the same time.
Sabrina turns away.
***
Sabrina walks back into the now-packed coffeehouse, going to Josh who is behind the counter.
SABRINA
Hey, where's my aunt?
JOSH
She went home. Two seconds before all of Boston showed up.
SABRINA
I just gotta' get this too her. I'll be back in ten minutes. (turns away)
JOSH
Wait, Sabrina, before you go, could you take these over to table four?
SABRINA (taking two mugs and putting the bag on the counter)
Sure.
JOSH
Thanks. You're a lifesaver.
As Sabrina turns away, a woman in the line jumps up and, in mistake for her almost identical bag beside, takes Sabrina's bag and walks off. Sabrina comes back over, takes the bag and shakes it…then worriedly takes out the contents.
SABRINA
Dental floss? Hairbrush? Jacqueline Susann novel? Oh, my gosh. Somebody took my aunt Hilda's biological clock! (looks around)
***
Sabrina is loading the things back into the bag.
SABRINA
This is a nightmare. This is one of the worst things that has ever, ever, ever happened.
JOSH
What happened?
SABRINA (walking to the counter)
Somebody stole my aunt's clock.
JOSH (clapping his hands)
OK, people, I need your attention. We have a crisis. An emergency situation. A clock has been lost.
The crowd laugh and turn back to their conversations.
SABRINA (holding up the bag)
Josh, have you seen anybody with a bag that looks just like this?
JOSH
A half dozen people. But I don't see what the big deal is, it's just a clock.
SABRINA
You don't understand. That clock is a big part of my aunt Hilda's life. In fact, it's a big part of my aunt Hilda. Gotta' go!
Sabrina rushes off past the line up.
***
Sabrina comes running into her aunt's house. Zelda is at the couch tying up a bandage around Salem.
ZELDA
Oh, thank goodness you're home.
SABRINA (sitting down on the armrest; to Salem)
What happened to your head?
SALEM
Hilda bit me. It was my fault, though. I said hello to her when she walked in.
ZELDA
Hilda's been acting insane since they took out that clock. Please tell me that's it.
SALEM
It better be. I've lost enough blood.
SABRINA (standing)
Aargh, about the clock...
ZELDA (standing)
Don't tell me you don't have it.
SABRINA (guilty)
OK.
Hilda comes running down the stairs.
HILDA
I've been gargling for two hours and I can still taste cat. (spots Sabrina; gasps with excitement) My clock is home, my clock is home! Let's have a clock party.
Hilda points upwards and a pile of balloons come flying down from the roof. She runs and takes the bag from Sabrina.
HILDA
Bag, please. (sits down and takes out the book) Valley of the Dolls?
SABRINA
A timeless classic, not unlike the hairbrush.
HILDA
Where's my clock?
SABRINA
Well, it's kind of a funny story. See, um...someone walked off with it.
SALEM
Lord, have mercy.
HILDA (approaching Sabrina and backing her down)
A stranger is walking around town with my biological clock?
SABRINA (siding to Zelda)
OK, maybe it's not so funny. But, um, you know what? I'll get you a new one, I promise.
HILDA (pushing Zelda aside)
Where? At the biological clock store?
SABRINA
Is there one?
ZELDA
Sabrina, a witch is only issued one biological clock. If she loses it, it can have serious ramifications.
HILDA
That's right. (turning to Zelda) What are they?
ZELDA
She has to find a man and get pregnant in the next forty-eight hours or she'll never be able to conceive a child.
HILDA
Oh, my god.
SABRINA
I'm so sorry, Aunt Hilda. Just because of me you might end up childless and miserable the rest of your life.
Hilda stomps and hides her head on Zelda.
ZELDA (to Sabrina)
Oh, way to cheer her up! I suggest you find that bag.
HILDA
Forget the bag. Help me find a man. (demanding) I need a bun in the oven, and I need it now.
***
Sabrina is behind the counter at the coffeehouse, having taped off the section of the desk where the bag was taken from. An officer is on the other side.
SABRINA
And when I walked back over here, my aunt's clock was gone.
OFFICER
Alright, let me get this straight. I just left a triple homicide to look for some lady's clock?
SABRINA
It's not just any clock, it's very...unique.
OFFICER
What's it do, sing a song? "Take Me Out To The Ball Game", maybe?
SABRINA
Look, my aunt is just very attached to it, OK?
OFFICER
Oh, gotcha. I'll put every precinct on it. I'll call in the National Guard. We'll call it, Clock Watch, 2001.
SABRINA
No, I get the impression you're not taking this very seriously.
OFFICER
You're a very perceptive young lady. (about the muffin he has been eating) You also make a very nice corn muffin. Thanks.
He chucks his napkin onto the area that Sabrina has sectioned off. He walks off, and she lifts it out, chucking it away with a disgruntled look on her face.
***
Sabrina is standing at the front counter talking to the storekeeper at the chemist.
SABRINA
So, what I'm asking is, did anyone come in and buy a hairbrush, dental floss and a Jacqueline Susann novel?
CASHIER
Yes.
SABRINA
Great. Who?
CASHIER
Well, about a hundred people. They're on special this week.
The cashier points over at a table where a sign reads advertising the special.
***
Zelda is lying on the couch, with her glasses on, reading the Valley of the Dolls.
ZELDA
Oh, my. The things that go on in that valley. (Hilda enters) Why, Hilda, you look beautiful.
HILDA
Well, if I want to meet a man, get married and have a baby in the next two days, I have to look my best.
ZELDA (standing)
Hilda, you've been trying to find a man for six-hundred years. What makes you think you're gonna' find one in two days?
The doorbell rings.
HILDA (going for the door)
I zapped an ad in the newspaper. There's my husband-to-be. (opens the door and a flock of men come in, some with flowers) Come on in, boys, take a number.
ZELDA (under her breath)
Hilda, obviously you weren't very specific.
HILDA
Well, maybe I shouldn't have put in, "Marriage or Best Offer". (the portal upstairs rings) Oh, there's the linen closet. I also put an ad in the Other Realm Register. (turning away) Coming, sweethearts!
***
Hilda is in the living room, sitting opposite an older man, as Zelda sneaks past taking out some of the others waiting.
HILDA
So, Eugene, why are you interested in filling the part of my husband?
EUGENE
I figured it was time to settle down. I've been having too much fun.
HILDA
Well, that's obvious.
EUGENE
I've had a rich and exciting life as a pharmacist, filling prescriptions and whatnot. Time to fill the void in my life.
HILDA (writing)
"Void"...(turning back to Eugene)...OK, anything else I should know?
EUGENE (sitting a little closer)
I like to make people laugh.
HILDA
And how exactly do you do that?
EUGENE
Oh, I give them something to smile about.
HILDA (prompting)
Which would be...
EUGENE
Anything to put a grin on their face and make a happy expression.
HILDA (prompting)
Such as...
EUGENE
An amusing comment, aargh, argh...to tickle their funny bone.
HILDA
OK, we're done. Thanks for coming. (stands and goes to Zelda) All right, who's next?
ZELDA
That's it.
HILDA (indicating the dining room)
What are you talking about? The last time I looked, there were at least twenty schmoes out here who could have been my soul mate.
ZELDA
I sent every one of them home. What you're doing is completely absurd.
HILDA
Sister, I have not even touched the tip of the iceberg. (steps in front of Eugene, who is now standing by the staircase) Congratulations. Despite your flair for humour, we're engaged.
EUGENE
You're kidding?
HILDA
Only by your standards. All right, let's talk children. We're having them, end of discussion.
ZELDA
Hilda!
EUGENE
I feel the same way. I'm telling you, we're gonna' have one lucky baby. You know why? Because that kids' gonna' have a daddy who wants to make him laugh.
HILDA
I'd ask why I'm not laughing, but I have no time. All right, I love you. Let's get the license and a preacher.
ZELDA
Hilda, you can't marry this man. He's a total stranger. For all you know, he's a professional gigolo.
HILDA (looks at Eugene)
I'll take my chances. (to Eugene) Don't mind her, she's just jealous.
EUGENE
Of course she's jealous, you know why? She doesn't have a man to bring hilarity to her life.
ZELDA (to Hilda)
You must want a baby really bad.
***
Sabrina walks down into the coffeehouse, and over to Josh who is wiping down a table.
SABRINA
Man, oh man, I must've gone through over a hundred receipts at that drug store trying to track down anyone who bought a hairbrush, dental floss and a cheesy novel. (sits down)
JOSH
Find anything?
SABRINA
Yeah. Judith Krantz, hotter than ever. Nobody put their phone numbers down on their credit card receipts. How am I gonna' find that clock?
Josh walks away, and Sabrina follows, just as Zelda jumps in front of her.
ZELDA
Sabrina, you'll never guess what your aunt's about to do.
JOSH
Five bucks says it involves a clock. (walks off)
ZELDA
She's getting married. Right now, at City Hall!
SABRINA
Oh, no, I gotta' find that clock!
ZELDA
Either that or a large sack of rice.
Sabrina follows Zelda out the doors.
***
City Hall. Hilda and Eugene are stood in front of the judge.
JUDGE (flipping through a book)
Hold on, I know these vows are in here somewhere.
HILDA
Take your time. You've got fifty seconds. (to Eugene) So, how many children do you want?
EUGENE
Three. One of each. (he and the judge laugh) Told you I like to make people laugh.
HILDA (looking at her watch)
Forty seconds.
JUDGE
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here...
HILDA (cutting him off)
OK, skip that part. We know the back story.
JUDGE
Do you,
HILDA
Hilda Spellman.
JUDGE
Thank you. Take,
EUGENE (looking at Hilda)
Eugene Laufersweiller.
HILDA
Are you serious? (to the judge) Go on.
JUDGE
To be your lawfully wedded husband...
HILDA
I do.
Zelda and Sabrina come running in from the back door.
ZELDA
Don't you dare!
HILDA
Hello? Trying to engage in holy matrimony here.
ZELDA
Judge, you cannot marry these two people. They...they don't even know each other.
JUDGE
Oh, I'm not a judge...I'm a clerk. I'd like to be a judge, though.
SABRINA
Did you hear what she just said? You’re about to marry two people who don't even know each other.
JUDGE
Is that true?
HILDA (stepping forward)
Yes, OK, it's true. I decided to take the plunge with a stranger whose last name I can't even pronounce. The truth is, I'm tired of waiting around for my knight in shining armour. Who, apparently, has other things to do. Well, guess what? So do I. Like live my life, start a family. Try to create a little happiness for myself. (stepping over to Eugene) So, Eugene and I haven't talked about where we grew up, or where we went to college, or how difficult it is to actually get an actual human being on the line at Ticketmaster. But I know in my heart that Eugene is a decent person. Well, probably not perfect...is, at least...alive. (linking arms with Eugene) And that is good enough for me.
EUGENE
Wow. I never knew you felt that way about me.
SABRINA (taking Hilda aside)
Aunt Hilda, I love you to much to let you rush into something. Especially something as important as marriage and having a baby. You should have all time in the world to find the right guy, so, that's why I'm gonna' give you my clock.
ZELDA
Oh, Sabrina.
HILDA
I can't let you do that.
SABRINA
Please. You have to.
HILDA
Sabrina, if I take your clock, then you'll never be able to have children.
JUDGE
Boy, that must be some clock.
EUGENE
Oh, they're doing wonderful things with science today.
HILDA (to Eugene)
Eugene, I'm sorry, but in light of what's happened, I can't go through with the ceremony.
EUGENE
Hilda, this is so unlike you. I'm just guessing.
HILDA
You'll be fine. You'll make another woman laugh.
EUGENE
Oh, I like to make people laugh.
HILDA
Well, then, for God's sake, just do it!
Josh comes walking in through the back door with a bag – Hilda's clock!
JOSH
Sabrina, guess what I found.
SABRINA
The clock!
JOSH
None other.
ZELDA
Where on earth did it turn up?
JOSH
The coffeehouse. The person who accidently took it brought it back. She must've spilled something on it, because it's a little wet. (inhales) And it smells like a chalupa.
HILDA (taking the bag)
Thank you. I believe this belongs to me. See you. (walks out)
EUGENE
Oddly enough, this isn't the first time I've been left for a small appliance.
The others occupying the room laugh.
SABRINA
You really are funny.
EUGENE
That wasn't a joke.
Sabrina looks a little befuddled.
***
Salem is sitting on the couch, an orange, female cat licking him. Hilda comes and sits on the arm rest.
SALEM
Oh, hi, Hildie. You remember Sally O'Brien?
HILDA
My friend Sally now has whiskers and a tail?
SALLY
Salem couldn't turn into a person, so I met him halfway.
HILDA
Sally, I can't believe you would turn yourself into a cat. (to Salem) What could she possibly see in you?
SALEM (with a mocking accent)
I like to make people laugh.
HILDA
I know, I'm laughing. (she picks up Salem and walks off in the direction of the kitchen)
SALEM (as he is carried away)
Put me down. Sally and I have tickets to Cats.
The next thing heard on screen is the sound of a door closing.
***
END CREDITS
***
Based on characters appearing in ARCHIE COMICS
Episode originally written by Laurie Gelman
