In the Other Realm, Sabrina is sitting with a group of people attending a therapy session with Dr B. Witchfield.
DR WITCHFIELD
It's quit common for mortals to react in a negative way when they discover their beloved is a witch. Aargh, Sheila, why don’t you share your experience with the group?
SHEILA
Dave was madly in love with me until her found out I was two faced.
We see that her statement is quite literal, when she spins around to reveal another head on her opposite side.
DR WITCHFIELD
And how about you, Sabrina? You spent all summer trying to get over your break up with Harvey. How are you feeling?
SABRINA
I just feel so confused. It's like there's a game of emotional Ping-Pong going on in my head.
***
Cuts to the inside of Sabrina's brain. A ping pong table is in between two Sabrina's, Sabrina #1 serves the ball.
SABRINA #1
I can't believe Harvey dumped me because he found out I was a witch. He was a selfish, manipulative, ego-maniac.
SABRINA #2
No he wasn't! He was a sweet puppy dog who would have followed you anywhere, and he didn't shed.
SABRINA #1
You're right. Maybe I should call him.
SABRINA #2
Don't bother. It’s over, you're dead to him.
Sabrina #1 throws a violent shot, missing Sabrina #2.
SABRINA #2
Nice shot.
***
Cuts back to the therapy session.
DR WITCHFIELD
You're bound to be conflicted. Wounds of the heart take time to heal.
Beside Sabrina, Salem is sitting on a seat sobbing his brains out.
SALEM
(upset) Tell me about it. Harvey was my best friend, my soul mate.
DR WITCHFIELD
Yet to him you were nothing but a cat.
From his pocket, Dr Witchfield places a handkerchief under Salem's nose.
SABRINA
Dr. Witchfield, how am I supposed to start college and get on with my life if I can't stop thinking about Harvey?
DR WITCHFIELD
The truth is, you've made a lot of progress over the summer.
Sabrina takes a moment to consider.
SABRINA
Yeah, I guess I have. Maybe all I need now is some closure.
SALEM
Words…empty words.
SABRINA
All you need now is some shock therapy!
SALEM
Ghe...
DR WITCHFIELD
If you're ready for closure, all that’s left for you to do is go through… the final screening.
He makes appear a cinema screen at the front of the room. In classic fashion the countdown begins, and he gestures for Sabrina to take the front seat.
DR WITCHFIELD
See if you can watch Harvey without having your heart ache for one last chance to be in his arms.
The movie shows Harvey dressed in a floral print dress and bonnet with an apron, cows and chickens can be heard in the background.
SABRINA
Feeling fine, nothing's aching...although, suddenly I'm in the mood for a barn raising.
DR WITCHFIELD
Oh, I'm sorry, that's the, argh...wrong video. Er here, try this one.
Now on the screen, we see Sabrina and Harvey in the car when they shared their first kiss...
SABRINA
Oh, not as easy. He was a good kisser, but you know what...I'm okay.
DR WITCHFIELD
Congratulations Sabrina, you've passed the test.
SABRINA
What a relief! I made it! I'm finally really ready to let him go!
SALEM
Don’t leave me, Harvey!
From his seat he pounces at the screen, and despite his attempts to hold on, he slowly begins to slide down, leaving scratch marks in his wrath.
SALEM
Slippery! Someone catch me!
***
OPENING CREDITS
***
In Sabrina's bedroom, Zelda is measuring with a tape measure.
ZELDA
Eight and a half feet by...
Hilda enters, unknowingly to Zelda.
HILDA
Zelda!
She jumps, hiding the tape measure behind her back.
HILDA
What are you doing?
ZELDA
Nothing.
HILDA
You jumped.
ZELDA
For joy…when I saw you.
As she exits, Hilda notices the tape measure.
HILDA
A-ha! You were measuring behind my back. You were going to redecorate Sabrina’s room without me.
ZELDA
I didn't think you'd mind.
HILDA
Why not?
ZELDA
Because…you're a kind and giving person…and you have no taste.
HILDA
I have impeccable taste!
ZELDA
As witnessed by the way you decorated your bedroom. South-western mixed with faux Chinese.
HILDA
I call if Cassidy feng shui.
ZELDA
Hilda, Sabrina’s going to college now. She needs a room that’s conducive to serious study.
HILDA
And what, pray tell, did you have in mind?
Zelda smiles and zaps her finger at the room: Mahogany book shelves line every wall packed with, of all things, books. A large leather topped desk is prominent with a leather high backed chair. Decorative wrought iron candle stands flank the upholstered bed. It's a kind of stately home study motif.
HILDA
Oh, I see, you'd like Sabrina to spend her college years living in a mortuary.
ZELDA
I’m not done yet. I’m getting her a beautiful ink-well.
HILDA
Ink-well? Oh how Opera. I personally think Sabrina would be more comfortable living in a room more like the one I had during my academic year.
ZELDA
You went to clown college.
HILDA
(defensively) University!
Hilda zaps her finger at the room and it is changed into a brightly-coloured fairground type of room.
HILDA
I graduated magna cum seltzer.
A clown pops out of the large purple box in the middle of the room with a soda-siphon and squirts it all over.
ZELDA
Back in the box, Chuckles.
She pushes him back into the box and closes the lid.
ZELDA
It’s no use arguing. It's Sabrina’s room, we should let her decide how she wants it decorated.
HILDA
Fine.
As they walk out onto the landing, Hilda zaps the room back into its original state.
ZELDA
I'm confident that Sabrina's mature enough to make the right choice.
Hilda closes the door as they step out, and Zelda sneakily zaps a ping to the door.
HILDA
I heard that.
Hilda zaps the room as well, before the linen closet (the portal to the Other Realm) is opened, and Salem comes flying through, hitting several walls before he lands properly.
SALEM
You're all a bunch of whinny ponchos!
He is tied to a straitjacket.
SALEM
Phew, I couldn’t take those nutcases any more.
Sabrina steps out of the closet after Salem.
HILDA
They kicked him out?
SABRINA
Yep. They thought his obsession with Harvey was bordering on the psychotic, and they caught him stealing 'sweet-n-low;
SALEM
You'll thank me at breakfast.
ZELDA
More importantly, how are you doing?
SABRINA
Okay. I think I’m finally over Harvey.
HILDA
Really, after all he meant to you? You two were so close for so many…(Zelda gives her a nudge)...too many years.
SABRINA
I'm exhausted, I just wanna' go lie down and take a nice nap in my nice, cosy room.
Sabrina enters her room to find the clown out of his box with his horn and the popcorn concession by the bookshelf containing the eighteenth century philosophy treatises by the leather inlayed desk with the new inkwell.
SABRINA
Okay, here’s where I could use a plan 'B'
ZELDA
We each wanted to redecorate your room, so just tell us which half you like best?
HILDA
Dark, dank and dreary or the greatest room on earth?
SABRINA
Neither.
ZELDA
Oh honey, I know you loved your old room but now that you’re starting college, maybe it’s time for a change.
SABRINA
I agree, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot and… I wanna' move out.
HILDA
What?
ZELDA
Out where?
SABRINA
I wanna' live at college like a normal freshman.
SALEM
Our own crib on campus? Keg party!
ZELDA
Sabrina, this is very sudden. You never mentioned moving out before.
SABRINA
Well, I didn't know how to tell you and I knew you'd be upset and beg me not go. So go ahead, let's get it over with.
HILDA
Sabrina, I'm only gonna' say this once. A young girl needs her freedom and I need a room for kick-boxing. How soon does school start?
ZELDA
Hilda!
HILDA
Oh come on, you remember when we were Sabrina's age.
SABRINA
Yeah, you must have been young once.
SALEM
Was that before or after they invented fire?
***
Down in the kitchen, Hilda and Zelda are sitting at the table playing a game of checkers. Salem is wearing a John Adam's College jacket.
ZELDA
I hope you're happy.
HILDA
Of course I'm happy, I've won the last three games. King me.
ZELDA
I'm talking about Sabrina living on her own in the Mortal Realm. Do you remember how painful that transition was?
SALEM
I'll give ya' painful. Having to listen to you two yenta's bellyache all day. Do you think this sweaters too snug?
HILDA
It could be a little tighter around your neck. Look, Sabrina’s going to college across town. She can come and visit whenever she wants. (sudden realization dawns on her) What if she doesn’t want to? Well I'm sure she’ll call whenever she has time. She won't have any time because she'll be in college all the way across town! Zelda, what have you done?
ZELDA
Me? Oh Hilda, we just have to hope that Sabrina will come to her senses and realise that she'll miss us as much as we'll miss her.
SALEM
Ain't gonna happen, sister. She's growin' up, movin' out and I'm riding shotgun on her coat-tails.
He raises his tail that has a John Adams pennant fastened to it.
SALEM
Yeah, baby!
***
At the coffeehouse. Josh is behind the counter, with Marnie.
JOSH
Oh, I don't know, it depends how Sabrina’s feeling. If she seems receptive, I'll ask her out.
He looks at his reflection in a coffee machine.
JOSH
You rock, Coffee-boy.
Josh walks over to Sabrina as she enters for her shift.
JOSH
Hey, Sabrina.
SABRINA
Hey, Josh.
JOSH
How ya' doin’?
SABRINA
Oh, never better. I've decided to make a life change. I'm going to make a clean break and start fresh.
JOSH
That's fantastic, exactly what I was hoping for. So you got any plans for the weekend?
SABRINA
Yes, I do. I'm going to pack up my stuff and move into my new dorm.
JOSH
Oh sweet, which one did you get into?
SABRINA
I don't know, I haven't signed up yet.
JOSH
Sabrina, your school starts next Tuesday. These dorms fill up months in advance.
SABRINA
Really? I wondered what all those packets from the housing office were about.
JOSH
You'll probably have to get on a waiting list to get on the waiting list.
SABRINA
Or maybe they'll just let the really cool people in… I guess that doesn't help me either. Well you never know, a room could open up. I mean, some incoming freshman could be hit by a bus. (on Josh's surprised look) He wouldn't be dead or anything, he'd just start school next year.
JOSH
Sabrina, I don’t mean to sound negative but your chances of getting a room are slim to none. Less than zero. No way, no how.
SABRINA
Yeah, thank you very much Joshua. You know, I came in here totally jazzed and now I’m spiralling into a black-hole.
JOSH
Oh no-no-no-no, don’t go there. If you’re in a black-hole, then you wont be in the mood to go out on a date.
SABRINA
What are you talking about? I’m barely over Harvey. What kind of loser would want to date a woman on the rebound?
JOSH
No one I know.
***
Back in the Spellman kitchen, Salem is heaving the toaster into a bag. Hilda walks in.
SALEM
Phew!
HILDA
Where do ya' think you’re going with that?
SALEM
A college guy needs his toast.
HILDA
And how do you suggest we get our mail from the Other Realm?
SALEM
Can you say ‘Not my problem’?
HILDA
No, but I can say ‘Not your toaster’
Zelda enters with a pack-duffel bag, as Hilda removes the toaster from Salem's bag.
HILDA
Guess who’s been trying to steal our appliances and take them off to college?
ZELDA
No doubt the same slug who packed my hair rollers in his duffel-bag.
SALEM
I like to bat them around the floor…for exercise. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Looking tired and annoyed, Sabrina enters from the back door.
SABRINA
Hi.
ZELDA
Sabrina, what's wrong?
SABRINA
There was no room at the dorm, so all student housing can do is put my name on the waiting list.
HILDA
Sabrina, that's fan…terrible.
ZELDA
Oh honey, I know you must be terribly disappointed.
SALEM
Her? I got a mover coming tomorrow to pick up the ottoman.
ZELDA
(to Sabrina) But the good news is, you still have a place to stay.
HILDA
And if a room becomes available, you can move into the dorm next year.
ZELDA
Or the year after that, or the year after that.
SALEM
By then you’ll be sucked into their tangled web, your precious freedom, a distant dream.
HILDA
I have a dream and in it, you're a zip-out lining.
SALEM
Ghe?
SABRINA
Salem's right. If I want to live on my own, it’s up to me to make it happen.
I'll just have to go out and find an apartment.
ZELDA
But what if the only apartments available are in dangerous neighbourhoods?
SABRINA
The only way to find out is to get out there and look. Scour every classified, knock on every door.
ZELDA
Well lucky for you, you’re looking at a couple of great knockers.
Hilda gives Zelda a disgruntled look.
***
Out on a neighbourhood street somewhere near Adam's College, Sabrina comes walking along in front of Hilda and Zelda checking over addresses in the newspaper.
SABRINA
There’s a small studio apartment in that building over there.
She points across the street.
SABRINA
It looks like a nice neighbourhood.
ZELDA
But there's trash all over the street.
SABRINA
There's one gum-wrapper.
As she leans down to pick up the wrapper, Zelda zaps her finger down the street.
HILDA
Well it starts with a gum wrapper but look where it ends.
A few paces down the street, things are very different. Old car seats sprayed with graffiti and overturned trash-cans litter the street. Down and outs try to sleep in cardboard boxes while the police sirens and homeboys with getto-blasters try to keep them awake. A dodgy looking man in a raincoat confronts them and pulls it open to reveal knock-off watches at bargain prices.
SABRINA
Aargh, they say it’s very bad luck to take the first place you see. (to the watch man) Oh, who'll give you twenty bucks for that…(takes a closer look) Schmolex?
***
A landlady ushers Hilda, Zelda and Sabrina into an apartment.
SABRINA
You're right, that last place we looked at wasn't exactly in the best location. It's nice and light in here.
Sabrina opens the blind at the window to find that the light, is a flashing red sign that reads "Bail Bonds". A thug with tattoos all over his body gives Sabrina a wave and a smile.
SABRINA
Light doesn't really work for me because I'm nocturnal.
She leaves, releasing down the blind.
***
Sabrina runs up the stairs to another apartment that she likes, and on Hilda's nudge, Zelda zaps her finger at the building .
Inside, they all glance up at the featured skylight.
SABRINA
What it doesn't have is a roof around the skylight.
A pigeon flies in and lands on Hilda's head.
***
The inside of another apartment.
SABRINA
Hey, this is cute and look, there's a tub in the kitchen.
As they approach the tub, they look in and see that it is full of cockroaches...
SABRINA
Oh! And it’s full of cockroaches! Wait a minute, I think the roaches are
spelling out the word hi...yuck!
***
Outside on the Spellmans' back porch, Sabrina, Hilda and Zelda all look tired and done for.
SABRINA
I can’t believe it’s this hard to find an apartment, I mean, each one was worse than the next. It’s like someone’s plotting against me.
HILDA
Who would do that? Why would you think that? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Sabrina begins to realise what has happened...
SABRINA
(angrily) Aunt Hilda?
HILDA
(about Zelda) It was her idea!
SABRINA
(even more angrier) Aunt Zelda?
ZELDA
We have the right to remain silent!
Sabrina storms into the kitchen, slamming the door as she enters. Salem is sitting on the bench at the phone.
SALEM
Hey! Trying to order some school supplies here. (On the phone) I’ll take a case of number two pencils (whispering) and a bottle of peppermint foot cream.
Hilda and Zelda walk on inside.
ZELDA
Honey, I know you’re angry, but we acted out of love.
SABRINA
You were sneaky and dishonest.
HILDA
In a loving, nurturing way.
ZELDA
Sabrina, we just hated the thought of you leaving.
A beep is heard from the phone, another call is coming through.
SALEM
Hold on, got another call coming in. (hits the button) Student housing office? She’ll have to get back to you.
SABRINA
Gimme' that!
She snatches the phone from him.
SABRINA
(On phone) Hello, this is Sabrina Spellman… Really?… Something opened up near campus? Does it have four walls and a ceiling?… Nobody got hit by a bus did they?… Great! I’ll take it!
***
SABRINA
Look, the house is owned by the school, it’s two blocks from campus, you can’t possibly object. You can drop me off and help me with my stuff but I don’t want a point or a ping out of either of you.
SALEM
Face it aunties, it’s time to let us live our own lives.
SABRINA
Salem, along those lines. Most people don’t go to college with a talking cat.
SALEM
Giving you the clear advantage.
SABRINA
I’m sorry, you can’t come with me.
She begins to head upstairs.
SALEM
Oh please! Please! Please! Don’t leave me with these wretched...goddesses...
***
At the front porch of the college house – Sabrina walks up and hits the doorbell, Hilda and Zelda stand behind carrying some bags.
SABRINA
OK, well thanks for your help. I’ll call once I get settled.
ZELDA
You’re sure you don’t want us to come in and take a look around?
They move in closer, but Sabrina zaps a magical force field between them.
ZELDA
I’ll take that as a no.
Morgan opens the door.
MORGAN
Hi! You must be the new girl, Sabrina, and you must be her aunts, Hilda and
Zelda.
HILDA
And you must be clairvoyant.
MORGAN
No, I am Morgan Cavanaugh, the RA. It’s my job to know the backgrounds of
the students that I look after. Come on in.
ZELDA
She invited us.
They walk into the college house, with a kitchen, lounge room and an upstairs area.
SABRINA
This is so cool!
MORGAN
I live upstairs and Sabrina will be sharing a room down here with a wonderful girl named Roxie.
SABRINA
Okay, sounds great. (to Hilda and Zelda) OK, bye guys...
ZELDA
Um, Morgan, this is our niece's first time living on her own.
MORGAN
You have nothing to worry about, I put in a full twenty-four hours. I look after these students as if they were my own family...
SABRINA
See? No worries. She’ll be just as suffocating as you are.
MORGAN
I make sure they get plenty of rest, they eat right and study-study-study.
ZELDA
(joke) Can I live here?
HILDA
(seriously) Can she?
SABRINA
(escorting them out by the arm) OK, bye aunt Zelda, bye aunt Hilda.
HILDA
Bye.
ZELDA
Bye.
MORGAN
Don’t you worry, I’ll take good care of her.
ZELDA
Okay.
As they reluctantly leave, Morgan hurriedly turns to Sabrina.
MORGAN
Gotta role, have a date.
SABRINA
But it’s ten-thirty in the morning.
MORGAN
I know, I’m a half-hour late thanks to your yackety-yak aunts.
Morgan grabs up her bag and jacket, Sabrina following her.
SABRINA
Wait, before you go, I have a quick question.
MORGAN
Oh, I don’t have time for questions.
SABRINA
Wait, but I thought you said you were here for me twenty-four hours?
MORGAN
Not in the same day!
Morgan closes the door and leaves...and Sabrina looks around, excited to be in her new home.
SABRINA
My place. My chair.
She sits down on an arm-chair and looks over at the shelves.
SABRINA
My…all right, it’s not my CD player but it’s in my living room.
She turns on the CD player and the song, "It's My Life", starts playing. She twirls her jacket around her head, and hops around crazily...and then notices Roxie, now having entered the room, staring at her bizarrely.
ROXIE
Stay right there, I’ll call nine-one-one.
SABRINA
Aargh, I’m sorry. This must look really strange.
ROXIE
No, I was gonna go with psycho, but it’s your call.
SABRINA
You must be Roxie. I’m Sabrina, your new room mate.
She holds out her hand to shake. Roxie ignores it.
SABRINA
Aargh, I’m sorry if that was your CD player. I was just so excited, I couldn’t stand still.
She reaches over and turns off the music.
SABRINA
This place is so cool, I’ve never lived on my own before and I just know college is gonna be the best experience of my life…
Sabrina's speech has proved to be spoken to no one: she looks over as Roxie slams her bedroom door closed.
SABRINA
OK, maybe the second best.
Sabrina runs over to the door and knocks on it as politely as she can.
SABRINA
Hello?
Roxie opens the door.
SABRINA
Was it something I said?
ROXIE
Look, you seem very nice.
SABRINA
Thanks.
ROXIE
I have no room in my life for people like that.
SABRINA
You’re kidding, right?
ROXIE
I never kid, I never giggle and I never dance like a bow-legged chicken.
SABRINA
Come on, you must have done it once…or not. Oh, I get it, you’re one of those deceptively acerbic types. You talk tough but deep down you’ve got a heart of gold.
ROXIE
I’m taking the bedroom, you get the couch and I’d appreciate it if you’d lose that…"perky" thing.
She closes the door in Sabrina's face. Miles walks over into the lounge room and places a box with electrical cables sticking out of it on the coffee table. Sabrina approaches.
SABRINA
Hey, cool! We’re getting cable?
MILES
I’m not the cable guy, I’m Miles. I live in the bedroom across the hall. Never go in there.
SABRINA
OK...I’m Sabrina, I just moved in. So what’s all the equipment for?
MILES
Um...I work part time for the electric company.
SABRINA
Doing what?
MILES
Argh…electric stuff. Unhooking things, plugging things in, love plugs…OK, I’m monitoring the alpha quadrant for signs of intelligent life.
SABRINA
The alpha quadrant? Those water breathers are light-years behind us.
MILES
Go ahead, make fun. I know you’ll never believe this but our universe is inhabited by other forces and other beings.
SABRINA
Oh, you mean like…witches?
MILES
Witches? Come on, they’re about as real as the Easter bunny or the lone gunman theory.
Grabbing up his box, he heads off for his room.
SABRINA
Wait-wait-wait! Um, Morgan said I have to share a room with Roxie, but Roxie said I have to sleep on the couch. Isn’t that ridiculous?
MILES
(now standing at his door) Watch out for the loose spring on the left cushion, it’s an eye opener.
He enters his bedroom closing the door.
***
In Sabrina's old bedroom at Hilda and Zelda's house, Salem is lying on the bed as Zelda wonders about. Hilda enters.
HILDA
A-ha!
Zelda makes an abrupt jump.
HILDA
I caught you again. What were you doing this time?
ZELDA
Wallowing in the misery of life without Sabrina.
HILDA
Wallowing? Without me? I never fail to be amazed at the depths of your selfishness.
The two of them sit by each other at the bottom of Sabrina's bed.
ZELDA
I apologise.
Zelda takes Sabrina's old teddy-bear that Salem was using as a pillow and hands it to Hilda.
ZELDA
Here, you fall apart first.
HILDA
Thank you...
She and Zelda sit their sobbing their eyes out...
***
Sabrina is in the kitchen at the college house, cooking dinner...as she lifts the lid from a pan, she sticks her wooden spoon in and finds a big go-bobble of material stuck together. Salem is on the windowsill.
SALEM
Wow! So they did save Hitler’s brain.
SABRINA
What are you doing here?
SALEM
I came to party, but I see no signs of bubbly, vivacious co-eds. No offence.
SABRINA
(getting out the peanut butter and bread) You’ve no clue what college life is like today.
SALEM
I come to learn. Teach me the ways of your animal house.
SABRINA
Well for one thing, they don’t let you stay in your own bedroom. My roommate hates me and expects me to sleep on the couch. I tried to talk to her but she wont even open the door.
SALEM
Hmm, let’s see? What to do? If only you were a witch.
SABRINA
Forget it, if I’m going to go to school in the mortal realm, I can’t use magic to solve every little problem.
SALEM
Well no wonder you’re miserable, you’re letting these mortals walk all over ya.
SABRINA
Are you saying that because you care or because you wanna' party?
SALEM
Argh, six of one…the point is, you’ve got the gift of magic. Use it or lose it.
SABRINA
Well I guess if something is really annoying me…
She zaps her finger at Salem and he goes flying away...only to land abruptly on Hilda and Zelda's table.
ZELDA
Salem?
SALEM
(looking at their dinner) Oh, squat kebabs.
***
Sabrina is uncomfortably tossing and turning on the couch in the living room, trying to get some sleep. Eventually, she sits up and goes to point her finger at the door to her bedroom...
SABRINA
No, I won't stoop to Salem's level…yet.
She goes upstairs and knocks on Morgan's door.
MORGAN
Hi. What's up?
SABRINA
I have a little problem.
MORGAN
So do I. I'm on my way to this party and I can’t decide what shoes to wear.
She holds up a pair of red sandals in one hand and black strappy heals in the other.
SABRINA
I like the red sandals.
MORGAN
Me too. Thanks a lot.
SABRINA
Now about me…(Morgan closes the door)...enough about me.
She turns away back downstairs.
***
Hilda is sitting on the couch in hers and Zelda's living room, looking at a photo album of Sabrina.
HILDA
Sabrina’s first levitation. Huh, the girl had lift.
Yawning, Zelda walks over.
ZELDA
What girl?
HILDA
Just looking at old pictures of Sabrina.
ZELDA
Without me? Do you think you’re more upset about her leaving than I am? Oh how pathetic, I sound like you.
HILDA
I just can’t go to sleep until I know she’s okay.
ZELDA
I’m sure she’s fine.
HILDA
Well then why does Salem say she’s sleeping on the couch? We should go over there and check on her.
ZELDA
If we barge in on her she will never forgive us.
HILDA
You’re right, driving over there is not the answer. We should calm down, "make some tea".
ZELDA
Exactly… and perhaps, a waffle.
They both turn for the kitchen.
***
Sabrina is on the couch again, struggling to fall asleep. In the kitchen, two certain appliances beep to life...
KETTLE
Salem was right, she’s sleeping on the couch!
WAFFLE IRON
Not anymore.
SABRINA
(to herself) It’s no use, I need help.
She walks over to the phone and dials in her aunt's number, only annoyed to get the machine.
SABRINA
The machine? Aunt Hilda, aunt Zelda, where are you?
KETTLE
Right where you need us honey. Tea?
WAFFLE IRON
Waffle?
Magically, they transform into her aunts, sitting on the bench in their dressing gowns.
SABRINA
You guys have been spying on me?
ZELDA
Lucky thing, you obviously needed our help.
SABRINA
I needed some advice on a problem, but how can I take advice from people I can’t trust?
HILDA
Oh, you can trust us. We were just trying to help…in our own appliance oriented way.
ZELDA
Salem told us what’s been going on. He said you’re letting your roommate take advantage of you.
SABRINA
Not true! I was just about to go in there and tell her I’m moving in my stuff.
HILDA
Go ahead!
SABRINA
I’m going!
There is a long pause, and Sabrina makes no move...
ZELDA
Maybe you just need a little push...
She pokes Sabrina in the back, and a magic spell pushes her forward to the door. Sabrina looks back and her aunts disappear in an array of sparks. Sabrina knocks on the bedroom door.
ROXIE (V/O)
Hey, sleeping in here!
SABRINA
Too bad, I’m coming in.
She zaps open the lock, only to enter and find that Roxie is at the desk reading a book.
SABRINA
I thought you were sleeping.
ROXIE
And I thought the door was locked. So what are you doing? What do you want?
SABRINA
What’s rightfully mine, one half of this room.
ROXIE
Ha!
SABRINA
Oh, I thought you didn’t giggle?
ROXIE
That wasn’t a giggle, that was a 'Ha, don’t make me laugh' laugh.
SABRINA
I have no idea why you don’t like me, you don’t even know me.
ROXIE
I know you. You were the top of your class at high school, had a cute boyfriend and actually enjoyed extra-curricular activities.
SABRINA
…Maybe, but I bet you can’t tell me which ones!
ROXIE
Can; don’t want to. Trust me, I know your type.
SABRINA
My type?
ROXIE
Perfect, well-adjusted. You probably don’t have a weird bone in your body.
SABRINA
That’s not true! I have many weird bones. I’ve got this whole double-jointed thing going on.
She pings at her hand and twists it a full three hundred and sixty degrees.
ROXIE
(Impressed; yet disgusted) Wow! You’re a freak!
SABRINA
You don’t know the half of it. I haven’t seen my mother in years, my father lives in this whole other realm and as for well-adjusted, well, I’ve got these two aunts who are total witches.
ROXIE
I see your aunts and raise you my clinically deranged step-mother.
SABRINA
I double down my uncles…look, I don’t have to justify myself to you, OK? Whether you think I’m weird of normal doesn’t matter, this room is half mine and I’m moving in, got it?
ROXIE
OK, you don’t have to get nasty about it.
SABRINA
I thought it'd be a welcome change from "perky".
ROXIE
It’s a start, and I suppose you want me to help you with your bags?
SABRINA
That’d be nice.
ROXIE
…I’ll do it anyway.
Roxie walks out, and Sabrina sits on her bed and waves her hands around.
SABRINA
Yes!
Salem is at the window...
SALEM
We’re in! You go, girl.
SABRINA
Thanks, you go too.
Sabrina zaps Salem away...
***
The same night, in the Spellmans' kitchen. Hilda and Zelda are sitting at the table with coffees.
HILDA
We really should get to sleep. If Sabrina calls, we'll hear the phone.
ZELDA
She's not gonna call. After what we did she’s probably never going to talk to us again.
BLENDER
I wouldn’t say that.
HILDA
Sabrina?
BLENDER
I'm glad you gave me that little push I needed. I’m starting to work things out with Roxie.
ZELDA
Oh that's great, honey. You know the only reason we drive you crazy is because we love you.
BLENDER
I know, I love you guys too. Gotta go.
Hilda and Zelda give a quick wave, as the blender roars into life and Sabrina's imprint disappears.
ZELDA
There, nice to see she’s finally blending in.
***
END CREDITS
***
Based on characters appearing in ARCHIE COMICS
Episode originally written by Bruce Ferber & Marley Sims
