Sabrina is in the kitchen at her house stirring a pot on the stove when Salem comes up and sits on the window sill.
SALEM
Oh, good, I caught you. (inhales) Do I smell poi?
SABRINA
I’m making some Hawaiian munchies for our luau tonight.
SALEM
Tonight? Sabrina, it’s the Other Realm Independence Weekend. Hilda and Zelda already left.
SABRINA
I’m not going. I’m tired of the crowds, the exploding quasars are the same every year, and there’s always a traffic jam at the event horizon.
SALEM
But I need you to film the fireworks for me. I’d do it myself if I weren’t cata-nong grata.
SABRINA
Sorry, Salem, but my roommates and I have organised the whole thing. I mean, we even put a down payment on a pig. And once you’ve ordered a pig together, there’s no turning back.
SALEM
Well, if this dumb luau’s so important, how about I stick around and film it for you? My new mini-cam can do all sorts of effects.
SABRINA
Oh, well, so can I. (wiggles her finger at him) Um, do you prefer a dissolve, a swish pan or a smash cut?
SALEM
You wouldn’t!
SABRINA
How about the classic fade out?
Sabrina wiggles her finger and Salem "fades out".
SALEM (as he disappears)
Very funny, you’re a regular Alfred Witchcock.
***
OPENING CREDITS
***
Later on, Sabrina is still readying for the party. As she turns to the back counter and picks up some ingredients, she accidently knocks over the ketchup and it runs through under the microwave.
SABRINA
Oh, shoot!
Sabrina reaches for a cloth and starts cleaning up her mess. When she is unable to lift the microwave up, she zaps it and it starts levitating into the air.
SABRINA (looking at the area under the microwave)
Oh! I hope that’s a raisin. (she answers the phone) Aloha, luau central... Hey, Rox (pause) No, I’ve never bought puka shells before. (pause) Fine, I’ll help you shell the puka’s.
Miles walks in through the front door and when witnessing the floating microwave that Sabrina has evidently forgotten about, he drops his bag and stares.
MILES
Oh, my God! The, the, the microwave!
As Miles looks over Sabrina discreetly zaps it back down.
SABRINA
What about it?
MILES
It was floating! (runs over)
SABRINA
Really? I didn’t know it came with that option.
MILES
No indication of a power-surge. The cord looks fine. How can a microwave float?
SABRINA
More importantly, how can it cook a whole salmon in under ten seconds? These things are wild!
MILES
I’m serious, Sabrina! We just experienced a supernatural phenomenon for which we have no logical explanation!
SABRINA
Maybe we have a ghost?
MILES
A ghost? Wow! I’ve always wanted to hunt a ghost.
SABRINA
You know, I hear they’re easy to bag, but hard to strap to the hood.
MILES
Finally, my chance to go mano a mano with a supernatural being.
Miles runs off.
SABRINA (shouting after Miles)
Well if anyone can frighten a ghost, it’s you.
***
At the party. Sabrina and Roxie are stood by the counter.
ROXIE
So, how are your coconuts?
SABRINA
Well, firm, yet surprisingly comfortable.
Morgan is walking around through the crowds of people.
MORGAN
I’m so glad you came. (she bumps into Josh) Oh, Josh! This is a surprise. I’m so... glad you could make it.
JOSH
Hey, roast a pig and I’m there.
Josh walks off. Morgan turns to Sabrina.
MORGAN
Sabrina, what is my ex-boyfriend doing here?
SABRINA
Um, he’s my friend. And, besides, you said it was OK.
MORGAN
Oh, I must have been tweezing or waxing at the time. You know that you can’t talk to me then!
Roxie hears someone knocking at the door and opens it, to reveal Garth, Miles' friend, on the porch holding a brown bag.
ROXIE
Hi, who are you?
GARTH
What do you mean by that?
ROXIE
Let me put this another way. Who invited you?
GARTH
Stop grilling me! What are you, the CIA?
ROXIE (putting a necklace around Garth)
Miles, your friend is here!
MILES (approaching)
Garth, you made it! Argh, Sabrina, this is Garth.
SABRINA
Oh, hey, nice to meet you. What’s in the bag?
Garth looks at Miles for a nod of approval.
GARTH
It’s an Ectoplex five thousand energy detector.
SABRINA
Oh, well, can it detect when we're out of dip?
GARTH
I don’t know, I’ll check.
MILES (takes the bag)
Argh, that was a joke. (takes out the device) After the flying microwave incident I asked for Garth’s help. The Ectoplex zeros in on paranormal energy fields and supernatural phenomena.
SABRINA
Well, that dovetails nicely with the whole Hawaiian theme.
MILES (as he turns the device on)
It will solve the mystery of what’s going on in this house. Find out if there are any... poltergeists, witches, extraterrestrial’s...
SABRINA
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Witches?
GARTH
Yeah, it’s just two clicks up the dial from doppelganger.
Miles points the machine around the room and it goes berserk when pointed in Sabrina's direction.
MILES
That’s huge! There’s definitely something not normal in this house.
In front of them a roast pig is carried away on a surfboard.
SABRINA (gesturing at the pig)
Oh, you think? I gotta' go straighten my poi.
Sabrina walks off.
***
After the party, Sabrina and Roxie are cleaning up, while Morgan rests on the couch with her feet up.
MORGAN
Oh, what a fantastic evening. There is nothing better for the ego than seeing your ex-boyfriend tripping over his grass skirt.
SABRINA
I can’t believe nobody touched my poi. Although, my coconuts were a big hit.
Miles comes racing down from upstairs with his paranormal energy detector.
MILES
I have checked all the bedrooms and the closets, and, Morgan, while you do have an interesting selection of hosiery, I detect no supernatural activity.
MORGAN (running over to him)
You went looking for poltergeists in my underwear drawer?
MILES
For your own protection!
SABRINA (throws a cloth to Miles)
Okay, playtimes over. Put down the toy and start drying.
Miles turns around to catch the cloth that has been thrown at him, and as he does so, his device goes berserk with beeping.
MILES
Oh! Major paranormal activity in the kitchen.
SABRINA
Oh, come on Miles, that’s just a black Frisbee on a stick!
Sabrina dodges away from Miles, but he follows her.
SABRINA
The thing obviously doesn’t work right. I mean, look, it’s gone haywire!
MILES
Well, that’s because, according to the gauge, it’s closer to the source of the abnormality.
MORGAN
There’s nothing abnormal about Sabrina! Point it at Roxie.
Miles follows his orders from Morgan, and as he turns it to Roxie, the beeping ceases.
ROXIE
Maybe Morgan’s the one who’s not normal?
Miles turns the device to Morgan.
MILES
I’m getting nothing from you either.
MORGAN
Oh, trust me, you never will. (Miles' device is pointed at Sabrina and it starts beeping again) This, this is creepy.
SABRINA
OK. You know, Miles, if you turn it off, I’ll explain everything.
Miles turns the energy detector off and Sabrina's roommates fall silent, waiting for their explanation.
SABRINA (improvising an excuse)
I don’t know how to tell you guys this, but, I’m (pause) psychic.
ROXIE
Are you kidding? Half the time you can’t find you own keys.
MILES
This is nothing to do with being psychic. There is a supernatural presence here and, I’m guessing it needs a human host to survive. Or, in your case, hostess.
MORGAN
Oh, so, what are you saying? That, that, that there’s some paranormal parasite leeching off Sabrina?
MILES
Exactly. But, don’t worry, Sabrina, whatever this other worldly thing is, I’m gonna' expose it, annihilate it and blast it out of this house forever.
Sabrina doesn't know what to do so she just smiles.
SABRINA
Oh, that’s so sweet. Um, you know, don’t go to any trouble on my account.
***
Sabrina walks in through the back door at her aunts' house and through into the kitchen. Salem is on the table knitting as she sits down.
SABRINA
Salem, I’m in serious trouble. Miles got his hands on some paranormal energy detector and he keeps pointing it at me.
SALEM
Relax! Most of those detectors are a joke. There’s only one that really works.
SABRINA
The Ectoplex five thousand?
SALEM
That’s the one.
SABRINA
It keeps going berserk around me! What am I gonna' do? I mean, besides get exposed and vaporised?
SALEM
I knew this day would come. Sabrina, it’s time for the talk.
SABRINA
Most girls get it from their mother's, I get it from the cat.
SALEM
Mortals with Ectoplex machines are only interested in one thing. You need to use protection.
SABRINA
Protection?
SALEM
An anti-detection force field. You can get it at the Other Realm drug store, aisle seven, and don’t let the clerk intimidate you.
***
Sabrina pops her head in through the front door at the college house, and satisfied the house is empty, she continues on in with her bag.
SABRINA
OK, I’ve got my anti-detection force field.
Sabrina reaches into her bag and takes out an aerosol can. She struggles with opening the cap, so reads the label.
SABRINA
To remove child-proof cap, line up arrows, squeeze, twist, push down and...(grunts) I knew I should have gotten the roll-on. (she zaps the cap off) Here goes.
She sprays the can all over her body, and it comes out like a purple perfume.
SABRINA
Oh! Tingly. All right, now it’s time to give that Ectoplex a flex.
Sabrina makes herself welcome to Miles' room.
SABRINA (after entering Miles' bedroom)
OK, if I were a paranoid conspiracy nut hunting a ghost, where would I hide my detector? (grabs the device from beneath Miles' pillow) Bingo!
***
Sabrina is back out in the living room. She moves the energy detector around her and it makes no sound.
SABRINA
Ah, this force field is perfect. From paranormal to normal in just one easy sprit. Wa-who!
As Sabrina holds her hand high, the energy detector starts beeping again. She holds it down and it goes silent. Up again, and it beeps wildly.
SABRINA
Hey, it looks like we’ve got a squatter in the ceiling.
Suddenly an invisible voice starts to talk.
MARV (V/O)
Put that thing down!
SABRINA
Who said that? (pause after she gets no reply) You’re not scaring me! All right, maybe just a little.
Sabrina puts the energy detector down on the bench and a ghost sneaks up behind her.
MARV
Boo!
SABRINA (turning around)
A lot! Who are you? And what are you doing in my living room?
MARV
Your living room? I lived in this house for thirty years and I’ve been here for forty.
SABRINA
That would make you...
MARV
Dead. But still a live-wire.
SABRINA
So, you’re a ghost?
Without warning, Sabrina sticks her hand through Marv's ghostly stomach and moves it about a little.
MARV
Excuse me! I find that uncomfortable.
SABRINA (releases her arm)
Sorry.
MARV
You should be. If you hadn’t used your stupid magic, nobody would have been looking for spirits. I could still be floating around in my underwear watching a Celtic’s game.
SABRINA
Ewgh! Oh, look, how was I supposed to know there was a ghost here? It’s not like the housing ad said three plus two and a half plus ghost.
MARV
All I know is, your friends wanna' take somebody down and there’s not enough room here for both of us. So, mark my words missy, if anyone gets blasted out of here, it’s you.
Marv disappears.
SABRINA
What ever happened to the concept of the friendly ghost?
MARV (V/O)
Urban legend!
***
Sabrina is pacing around, talking to thin air.
SABRINA
Listen up, and listen good, ghost. I can’t get blasted out of here, alright. This is the only good housing left near campus. Wait a minute, what am I worried about? I have a force field and room-mates that like me.
Roxie and Morgan both walk in through the front door.
SABRINA
Hey, guys.
MORGAN
Oh, you’re here.
ROXIE
We were just leaving.
Morgan and Roxie turn back to leave again.
SABRINA
No, no, no, no, no wait! You don’t have to go. Look, everything’s fine. (picks up the energy detector from the table) Whatever was making this machine go off before is gone. (waves it all over her body and nothing beeps) Look, see? Huh, nothing.
MORGAN
Oh, thank goodness. Oh, I guess I should call that breeder and cancel the Doberman.
ROXIE
And I can stop sleeping with garlic and a cross. (to Sabrina) Here, you got mail.
Roxie gives Sabrina the envelope, but suddenly, it is taken from Sabrina's hand by thin air. She starts a game of tug of war with whatever is tugging the other side.
MORGAN
What are you doing?
SABRINA (moving back and forth with her letter)
Argh...I’m getting into improv. I’m gonna' start a one woman show, I’m gonna' call it, um... insane person opens mail.
Sabrina falls back onto the couch when the game ceases.
MORGAN
Oh, I get the isnae part.
Morgan goes upstairs.
ROXIE
What’s with you, Spellman?
SABRINA
Nothing! I’m argh, I’m just gonna' put this over here for um...for safe keeping.
Sabrina places the envelope beneath a place mat on the counter. It starts flopping about by itself.
SABRINA
Argh, you know what, I...I need a soda.
Sabrina turns to go to the fridge, and as she does so the tap at the sink turns on by itself.
SABRINA
On second thought, you know, water sounds really good today.
Sabrina ditches her soda can and gets a glass to fill with water.
ROXIE
I can’t believe I’m gonna' say this, but, Miles is right, there’s something very weird going on with you.
SABRINA
No, no, no it’s not! But, argh...who are you gonna' believe? What, a kook like Miles, or the most level headed person in this house?
Sabrina's hair suddenly expands into a puffed up mess.
SABRINA
Never buy conditioner at a garage sale.
Roxie steps back.
***
Sabrina is sat on her desk in hers and Roxie's room, on her laptop with her magic CD-rom inserted
SABRINA
Paranormal extermination. Here’s one. Gary’s unwanted energy removal. Licensed and bonded in both realms’ Perfect.
With a hit of a button a magical exterminator appears before her.
GARY
Gary, at your service. What seams to be the phenomenon?
SABRINA
Got a ghost,Gary and if I don’t get rid of him I’ll be thrown out of this house and lose the best friends I’ve ever had.
Gary takes out a mobile device and holds it around the room for a bit. Beeps are heard.
GARY
Oh, yeah. Huh-hu. You’ve definitely got yourself a ghost. But, don’t worry, you’re in good hands with Gary. At least, you will be when I come back first thing Monday morning.
SABRINA
Whoa! What’re you talking about? I need an exterminator now!
GARY
I’d love to help you out, but it’s Other Realm Independence weekend. Fireworks start in two hours. Family's waiting for me. It’s little Gary’s first big bang.
SABRINA
Oh, forget about little Gary. What about me?
GARY
All right, OK, OK. Argh, here’s what I can do for you.
Gary gives Sabrina a kazoo.
SABRINA
A kazoo? How’s this gonna' help me get rid of a ghost?
GARY
It won't, but, you know, I’ve always found, that in stressful times, funny music can be very therapeutic.
Gary disappears into thin air upon pointing at himself. Sabrina starts to play the kazoo for a moment.
SABRINA
Hey, he’s right, this is kind of soothing.
But before she has a chance to continue playing, the kazoo is stolen from her hand and broken in half before dropping to the ground.
SABRINA
Obviously, you’re not a big fan of funny music.
***
Miles and Garth are in the living room, standing at the dining table and looking at a new device, that has a satellite dish on the top of it.
MILES (calling)
Hey, Sabrina!
SABRINA (walking out)
Hey guys, what’s that?
MILES
Your salvation. That is the E.X.T. Paranormal Ion Eliminator.
GARTH
With turbo. Lock and load.
Garth points a remote at it and the satellite dish starts spinning.
MILES
Whatever’s living inside you is going to be blasted to smithereens. According to the manual, you may feel a slight pinch.
SABRINA
Oh, well, you know, as, as much as I wanna' be saved, I, I think I can wait until Monday.
GARTH
It’ll only take a second.
Garth directs the remote over at Sabrina again. He hits down another button on the remote, and the machine on the table almost explodes with sparks.
GARTH
She blew up the Ion Eliminator!
While Miles and Garth are busy pondering over the explosion of the device, meanwhile Sabrina is beginning to get a red beam around her.
MILES
What kind of all powerful, supernatural force are we dealing with?
GARTH (looking at Sabrina)
One that can give us a nice tan.
MILES
Sabrina, you’re brighter than the core in a refinery! But I don’t want you to panic. That’s my job. (to Garth) Let’s go.
Without a second thought, Garth follows Miles out the front door.
SABRINA
I think I feel that pinch you were talking about!
MARV (V/O)
That was me.
***
Sabrina is pacing around by the kitchen, alone, as she talks on the phone to Salem.
SABRINA
And now they’re afraid of me and I don’t know what to do.
Miles enters through the front door, at first unnoticed by Sabrina. He is wearing a big yellow suit.
SABRINA (still on the phone)
Are you even listening to me Salem?
MILES
You’re talking on the phone to your cat?
SABRINA
Oh, it’s my uncle Salem. (to the phone) Give my best to Aunt Newport. (hangs up and turns to Miles) What are you wearing?
MILES
Anti-contamination gear. We felt this situation warranted it.
SABRINA
We?
And soon enough, Roxie and Morgan walk in after Miles dressed in the same protective gear. Morgan has a bright smile on her face.
MORGAN
Aren’t they darling?
SABRINA (sarcastic)
Oh, yeah, they’re real cute.
Sabrina heads over to put the phone back on the table, passing her roommates.
ROXIE
Stand back. These suits are guaranteed against nuclear spills. Not you.
SABRINA
OK, this is ridiculous. I’m the same Sabrina that I always was. Your roommate, your friend. We pulled all-nighters together. We just had a luau, remember? I made the poi, Miles, you peeled papayas, Roxie, you filleted the pig and Morgan... you supervised.
MILES
We’re friends with Sabrina, not the evil spirit that dwells within her.
ROXIE
So, what’s the deal? Are you some kind of goblin thingy, or an alien life-form trying to colonise earth?
MORGAN
Is that why you leant me your red sweater? To collect my human DNA?
SABRINA
I never leant you my red sweater.
For a moment the attention is on Morgan.
MORGAN
I withdraw the question.
SABRINA
Look, what are you guys gonna do? Wear those suits whenever you’re around me?
MILES
This is only a stopgap measure.
ROXIE
Until you’re cage arrives.
SABRINA
What cage?
MILES
The one that will hold you until your bubble has been built.
SABRINA
I’m not living in a bubble!
MILES
Yet. But, in the mean time, I’ve contacted a prominent paranormal researcher who’s interested in meeting you and perhaps dissecting you.
SABRINA
I’m not a frog.
MILES
Can you prove that?
SABRINA
Okay, you know what? You guys don’t have to worry about being contaminated anymore. I think it would be better for all of us if I just moved back in with my Aunts.
Sabrina storms off to her room with sadness evident in her eyes.
MORGAN (to Miles; as Sabrina is gone)
We still get to keep the outfits, right?
***
Down at the coffeehouse, Sabrina is bussing tables as Josh approaches her from the kitchen in the back room. Josh follows her around.
JOSH
Hey, Sabrina, that luau rocked! I’ll tell you, there’s nothing better for the ego than seeing your ex-girlfriend jealous about how great you look in a grass skirt.
SABRINA
That’s nice, Josh.
JOSH
What’s wrong? You don’t seem like yourself today.
SABRINA
Oh, you’re not the first person to say that.
JOSH
Oh, yeah? Anything you wanna' talk about?
SABRINA
It wouldn’t do any good. There’s somebody living in my house that says it’s not big enough for both of us.
JOSH
Oh, I hear you. Morgan can be really selfish.
SABRINA
It’s not Morgan, and who it is doesn’t matter. The point is, if I don’t figure out a way to deal with this, I may never live in that house again.
JOSH
Well, Roxie is a tough nut to crack. Why don’t you just sit her down and have a heart to heart?
SABRINA
It’s not Roxie and I have a feeling that the person I have a problem with really isn’t into heart to hearts.
JOSH
I think if the two of you could just discuss your feelings, I’m sure you could come to an understanding with Miles.
SABRINA
Would you stop guessing?
JOSH
I have to stop, I just ran out of roommates.
SABRINA
This person is impossible. I, I tried to work it out, but there’s so much hostility I’m dealing with.
JOSH
I’m not a psychologist, but anyone that angry probably has unresolved issues.
SABRINA
Huh. Unresolved issues, there’s a thought. Thanks Josh.
Sabrina turns for the door.
JOSH
Hey, just tell me one more thing. Is this new roommate male or female?
SABRINA (hanging up her apron at the door)
Argh, well, he used to be male.
Sabrina walks out.
JOSH
He’s got a lot of unresolved issues.
***
Sabrina approaches the front porch of her old college residence and enters after being satisfied that no one is else is around.
SABRINA
OK, Mr. Ghost, we need to talk.
MARV (V/O)
I’m indisposed. And the name is Marv!
SABRINA
Well, when you’ve finished up, I’d like to have a word with you.
Marv suddenly appears before Sabrina, as he places his newspaper in the back pocket of his pants.
MARV
What do you want?
SABRINA
Marv, argh, you know, I don’t mean to sound critical, but you seem to have a lot of pent-up frustration, and I’m just wondering what happened to make you so hostile?
MARV
Well if you must know (pause), I lost my wife.
SABRINA
I’m sorry. She died?
MARV
No, I died, stupid! Keep up. (clicks)
SABRINA
So, she’s still alive.
MARV
Yes. That’s why I keep hanging around here, hoping that Betty will get nostalgic for our life together and come back.
SABRINA
So, that’s all you want, to see your wife again?
MARV
Oh, yes. And to give her the present I made for her. It’s been collecting dust up in the attic for ten years.
SABRINA
Let me ask you something. What if, I found Betty, brought her here, and gave her your gift?
MARV
I’d be eternally grateful.
SABRINA
Grateful enough to leave this place forever?
MARV
Yes. The paranoid kid with the ukulele is driving me crazy.
Sabrina gives a nod of her head.
***
Later on, Sabrina walks into the college house through front door before Betty, Marv’s wife.
SABRINA
I’ll bet this house brings back memories for you.
BETTY
What a dump.
SABRINA
Well, we find it quaint. I mean, sure, the mouldings crooked, the windows stick and, you know, there’s a few leaky fixtures.
BETTY
That’s Marv for you. Thought he could fix everything himself. He was all thumbs.
SABRINA
Oh, well, what gifted thumbs they were, and look what he built with those little, chubby things.
Sabrina picks up a wrapped wooden box.
SABRINA
I found this in the attic, and I think it belongs to you.
Sabrina gives the gift to Betty.
BETTY (taking off the ribbon)
Looks like Marv’s handy work. Painstakingly crafted with popsicle sticks and gum.
SABRINA
Well, you know, it’s not easy to make a jewellery box with no right-angles.
Betty opens the box and takes out some papers from inside.
SABRINA
Plus, it’s the thought that counts.
BETTY
What in the world? (reading the paper) Twenty thousand shares of the Microsoft Corporation. Are they the baby-powder people?
SABRINA
They’re the people who’ve just made you rich!
BETTY
I can’t believe it. Marv never picked a winner the whole time we were married.
SABRINA
He picked you.
BETTY
Oh, thanks, doll, but don’t think you’re getting your hands on any of my money.
Betty turns for the door.
SABRINA
Right, well, it’s nice meeting you too, Betty. Now I know why he loved you so much.
Betty has gone, when Marv re-appears.
MARV
Oh, thank you Sabrina. I can’t tell you how good it was to see her again. Isn’t she an angel?
SABRINA (unconvinced)
OK...
MARV
Oh, well, a deal’s a deal. I guess I’ll be moving on.
SABRINA
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute. I need you to help me fix things with my roommates. I mean, they think I’m some sort of supernatural freak!
MARV
Right, I have an idea. What if they all have supernatural powers?
SABRINA
Then we could write a comic book about them.
MARV (laughs)
Oh, the living. You guys kill me.
***
Sabrina looks through the front windows from the porch with Marv, ensuring that all of her “friends” are home.
SABRINA
All right, everybody’s home. Are you ready to wreak some havoc?
MARV
My speciality.
Marv disappears.
Inside, Morgan is playing cards by herself in the living room, Roxie is making herself a sandwich in the kitchen and Miles is trying to repair his Ion Eliminator.
MORGAN
I miss Sabrina, but it is nice to have the house back to normal.
ROXIE
Anyone wanna' split a pig salad sandwich?
The doors on the cupboards behind Roxie start randomly opening and closing themselves.
MORGAN
I take back what I said about normal.
Miles starts scanning the room with his Ectoplex.
MILES
Roxie, don’t move!
Miles points the energy detector at the cupboards.
ROXIE
I’m the only one in the kitchen, right?
MORGAN
Yeah, yeah, except for the spirit possessing you!
As the cupboard door banging ceases, the three of them turn to find Morgan’s cards on the tables are levitating into the air.
MORGAN
Hey! I was gonna win that game!
ROXIE (to Morgan)
It looks like you’re possessed too!
MILES
All you women are freaks of nature! I knew it. (continues after turning off the device) And I like it!
Roxie gives him a playful hit on the arm. As Morgan’s cards come down to ground level again, Miles suddenly looks down and finds that he himself is afloat.
MILES
Oh, this is not good.
Miles starts somersaulting in thin air.
MILES
I have a very sensitive inner-ear!
***
Outside on the porch, Sabrina has been standing watching it all through the window. Marv appears in front of her.
MARV
Well, it looks like my work here is done. It’s been a pleasure haunting you.
SABRINA
Thanks, Marv. You know, just out of curiosity, where are you off to?
MARV
I have to see a man about a bright light...right after I make a pit-stop.
Taking his newspaper again, Marv disappears.
***
Sabrina walks into the college house to find her roommates are in a rush packing suitcases to evacuate.
SABRINA
Hey, guys, what’s going on?
MORGAN
We’re clearing out of here. Grab all you can carry.
ROXIE
It turns out it wasn’t just you. The whole house is possessed.
MILES
And unlike scantily clad teenagers in slasher movies, we know when to leave!
SABRINA
Whoa, whoa, whoa! My Aunt Zelda explained why all these strange things have been happening. She says it’s due to massive solar flares, argh, miss-alignment of the planets and, argh, some inflamed asteroids.
MILES
So, you’re saying it’s a rare convergence of celestial events that has disrupted electro magnetic fields?
SABRINA
Exactly! And it’s not going to happen again for like another kagillien years.
ROXIE
So, it’s gonna be over soon, and we don’t have to leave here?
SABRINA
That’s right.
MORGAN
Oh, thank goodness. I was dreading the thought of packing up all my skin-care products.
MILES (holding up his device)
I might as well give this back to Garth. I’ve gotta’ say, I’m a little disappointed, I was really hoping to finally encounter a supernatural entity. I’m beginning to think it’s never gonna happen.
Sabrina places a reassuring arm around Miles’ shoulder.
SABRINA
Oh, don’t despair, Miles. You know, I’d be willing to bet you’re a little closer than you think.
***
Miles is sitting by himself at the dining table having breakfast. A knock from the door, he answers it and Gary walks in (the ghost-buster Sabrina hired a few days back). He is seemingly unaware that Miles is not from the Other Realm.
GARY
Hey, I’m Gary, and I’m here to flush out your ghost.
MILES
Unfortunately we never had a ghost. Wow, that’s a great rig you got there Gary, where did you get it?
GARY
The Other Realm.
MILES
The Other Realm? Hey, that’s code for a covert CIA operation in Central America, isn’t it?
GARY
Oh, jeez! You’re, argh...you’re not from the Other Realm, are you?
MILES (holding up his energy detector)
No, but I'm willing to sign up.
GARY
Don’t call us, we’ll call you!
Gary quickly races back out through his entrance route. Miles’ energy detector quiets down on the noise factor upon Gary’s departure.
MILES (about the energy detector)
What do you know?
Without a second thought, Miles discards the device in the bin.
***
END CREDITS
***
Based on characters appearing in ARCHIE COMICS
Episode originally written by Dan Kael & Grant Nieporte
