Zelda is looking at the disorganised mess in Sabrina's book bag, at the kitchen table. Sabrina is sitting down.
ZELDA
Oh, my. How on earth do you find anything in this mess?
SABRINA
I know my homework looks disorganized, but I have a logical system.
ZELDA
What part of your logical homework system is a (holds out a coupon) coupon for Popeye's Chicken?
SABRINA (taking the coupon)
Well, I am a chicken when it comes to taking science tests, so, what better bookmark to have than a chicken coupon? Oh, ten pieces for seven ninety-nine.
ZELDA (looking through Sabrina's bag again)
Sabrina, I need to get you organized. You'll need dividers, coloured markers, accordion file, label maker and a jumbo paperclip. I have everything upstairs. You are so lucky you came to me.
Zelda pats Sabrina on the shoulder and trots off upstairs.
SABRINA (Zelda is gone)
Some people win the lottery, I have an aunt who collects office supplies.
Hilda comes in.
HILDA
Hey, Sabrina. What are you doing?
SABRINA
Oh, I just came over to ask Aunt Zelda for some help with my physiology homework, and she decided I need to get organized. She went upstairs for supplies.
HILDA
Quick, I'll distract her while you make your getaway.
SABRINA (following Hilda to the bench)
Aunt Hilda, is it just me, or have you noticed that Aunt Zelda's just a tad compulsive?
HILDA
A tad? She rearranged my sock drawer according to county of origin.
SABRINA
Doesn't that bug you?
HILDA
Oh, sure. But you just have to find little ways to amuse yourself.
Hilda walks over to the table and switches the salt and pepper shakers around.
HILDA
Watch this.
Hilda walks back to Sabrina's side as Zelda comes back down carrying a box of supplies with her.
ZELDA (entering)
OK, I think we have everything we...(pause)...something's wrong. (Hilda and Sabrina exchange a look of amusement) This room is totally out of balance.
HILDA
No, it isn’t. Sabrina, is anything out of balance?
SABRINA (with a smirk)
Only Aunt Zelda.
***
Zelda wakes up in the middle of the night, in her bed, and zaps thin air with her finger...sparks fly, as downstairs, the salt and pepper shaker switch back to their original positions. Zelda takes a sigh of relief, and lies back down to sleep.
***
OPENING CREDITS
***
Sabrina, Miles and Roxie are rested up on the couch watching The Green Acres on the TV.
BARNEY
Have you got everything straight?
ANDY
Hu-hu.
BARNEY
Are you sure?
ANDY
Don’t worry, Barn, anybody does any law breaking I’ll nab them and sack them right there in number one.
BARNEY
That’s not number one! That’s number two! (points at the cells) One, two!
Roxie mutes the sound.
ROXIE
Can someone explain to me why we’ve stayed up till four in the morning to watch twelve continuous hours of Andy Griffith?
MILES
Because Mayberry is a microcosm of the human condition. How does the insecure Barney cope working in the shadow of an icon like Andy? What are the long term effects of Opie growing up without his two front teeth? And did aunt Bee never marry because she secretly worked for the CIA?
SABRINA
I just like watching Goomer and Goober.
ROXIE
All I know is I’ve got a psyche test at eight thirty. I’m going to sleep.
The three of them get up from their seats and head over to the table when Morgan walks in.
MORGAN
Hey everybody, what’s going on?
ROXIE
We’ve all got class in the morning. We’re going to bed.
MORGAN
Before sunrise? As your RA, I am very disappointed in your lack of college spirit.
SABRINA
You have a point. I mean, if I wanted to live by the rules I’d be at home with my aunt Zelda helping her colour code the condiments.
MILES
That’s true. We’re adults now, we can be spontaneous, do whatever we want. Tonight, I’m not putting the toilet seat down.
SABRINA/ROXIE/MORGAN
Oh, yes you are!
MILES
I say, we hit an all night diner for corn-dogs and curly fries.
SABRINA
Oh, and then we can go down to the docks and have some clam chowder with the longshoremen.
ROXIE (disgusted at first)
Soup and guys that smell like fish? I’m in. Let’s go.
Miles, Roxie and Sabrina grab their coats as they walk for the door. Morgan doesn't follow.
SABRINA
Morgan?
MORGAN
Oh, no thanks. I’ve got class in the morning.
Morgan goes off upstairs as her roommates head out.
***
Zelda walks into the dining room, where Hilda is doing a little remodelling.
ZELDA (loud)
Oh no!
HILDA
This is so much fun. I can’t believe I waited two hundred years to re-do our floor.
HILDA (after Zelda pulls out the plug)
Hey!
ZELDA
When you tried to remodel our last house the draw-bridge collapsed and we were castle-bound for weeks.
HILDA
You and Lancelot weren’t exactly complaining.
ZELDA
Well, I had to do something to occupy my time.
HILDA
Zellie, rest assured, this time is gonna be different. First of all, I have a kick-butt power tool and a new fangled invention call electricity. (puts the sander back on)
ZELDA (loud)
I don’t have a good feeling about this.
HILDA (loud)
Trust me. I know what I’m doing.
Hilda knocks a hole in the floor and her apparatus goes flying through.
ZELDA
And I know what I’m doing.
***
Sabrina opens the front door of her house, wearing her dressing gown.
SABRINA
Aunt Zelda, what are you doing here so early?
ZELDA
Early? It’s four o’clock in the afternoon.
SABRINA
I knew that. I meant, what are you doing here so early...in the year? I mean, it could snow, you could catch a cold...but I see you brought extra clothes. Why’d you bring extra clothes?
ZELDA
Hilda broke the house. (enters and looks at the mess on the dining table) Look, I see you’ve been pulling an all nighter. Oh, I remember those days. What were you studying?
SABRINA
Goomer and Goober.
ZELDA
I’m not really familiar with the German philosophers. Anyway, your aunt Hilda, the human wrecking ball, is on a home remodelling binge. Do you mind if I stay with you?
SABRINA
No, not at all. For how long?
ZELDA
Oh, just a few days.
SABRINA (considering at first)
A few days. That’s so much more than...one day.
ZELDA
Well, I thought it would be fun to spend some time with my favourite niece, that is, if she wants me?
SABRINA
Oh, of course I want you. You know? Just, my roommates might feel a little weird about it. They kinda' like to hang loose.
ZELDA
No problem, I’m the original hang loose gal. I just love to go with the flow you know? Kick back, chill out. (sees the mess in the kitchen) Scour and disinfect. It’s a good thing I brought my cleaning supplies.
SABRINA
You travel with cleaning supplies?
Now in the kitchen, Zelda reaches into her handbag and pulls out a pair of marigolds, a brillo pad, a feather duster, disinfectant bottle and a long handled broom.
SABRINA
Oh, I guess you do.
ZELDA
Just the essentials.
SABRINA
Oh, they're all monogrammed too.
***
Zelda approaches Sabrina, who is lazily lying on the couch reading a book.
ZELDA
You know, when I went to school we didn’t study like that. We sat at a table. Treated our books with care and prayed that the students who had used them before us hadn’t died of the plague.
SABRINA (standing)
You know aunt Zelda, things today are a little different.
ZELDA
I know, and I don’t have a problem with that because I’m a...
SABRINA (cutting her off)
Hang loose gal. You really don’t have to keep saying that.
ZELDA
Fine, I’ll just whip up some dinner. Let’s see what you have.
Zelda walks open and peers into the refrigerator. All that is there is a bottle of root beer, a bottle pink nail varnish and two nine volt batteries.
ZELDA
Hmm. Diet soda, nail polish and batteries. That should make quite a casserole.
Morgan and Roxie walk in together through the front door, joining Sabrina and Zelda.
MORGAN
Hi.
ROXIE
Hi.
SABRINA
Hey, guys. Listen, um, my aunts gonna stay for a few days if it’s OK with you.
MORGAN
Oh, it’ll be great, you can never have enough adult supervision. I can say that with a big smile because I have a room of my own on a whole different floor. See you! (runs off upstairs)
ROXIE
Well, I guess you did have me at your house for Christmas and as my uncle Louis the lip says, ‘It’s time to pay the piper.’ (walks off)
ZELDA (calling after Roxie and Morgan)
Oh, now don’t worry girls, you wont even know I’m here.
***
Zelda walks out from the bathroom and stretches as she heads for the couch.
ZELDA
Ten o’clock, everybody ready to turn in?
SABRINA
Argh, Green Acres is just about to start.
ZELDA
Oh. (sitting) Oh, I love gardening shows.
ROXIE
It’s not a gardening show. It’s about a ditzy Hungarian socialite who lives on a farm with her husband and a pig named Arnold.
ZELDA
You know, it wouldn’t hurt you girls to try and nourish your minds with something a little more educational. (looking through TV guide)
SABRINA
We’ve been nourishing our minds all day. We need a funny pig.
ZELDA
There’s a wonderful production of Die Fledermaus on PBS. (changes the channel and an opera comes on) Ah, that’s what I call a basso profundo.
SABRINA
He’s no Mister Ziffel.
ROXIE
I say we take a vote.
SABRINA
Here’s my vote. We let my aunt watch her nazi opera here and we go down to the student union and watch the pig on the big screen.
ROXIE (moving off)
Good idea. Later.
SABRINA (moving off)
Bye, aunt Zelda.
ZELDA
Oh, bye.
Sabrina and Roxie exit. Zelda, by now, is fully stretched out over the couch.
ZELDA
Well, it looks like it’s just you and me Prince Orlofsky.
Miles walks in and takes off his hoddie.
MILES
I dream this dream a lot but it usually involves baby-doll pyjamas...but I can’t remember what you were wearing.
ZELDA (only now noticing Miles' presence)
Oh hello Miles. Well, I’m going to be staying here for a few days. I hope you don’t mind.
MILES
Me? Yeah! No! I mean no, no. Not at all.
ZELDA (sitting up)
Good. Well, would you like to sit and watch Die Fledermaus with me?
MILES
It would be the high point of my existence.
ZELDA (gently)
You don’t still have that little crush on me do you?
MILES (speaking the opposite of what he really means)
That? No. Way over it. Gone. Ancient history.
As Miles goes for the couch, he falls over the rug and comes toppling onto Zelda's knee.
ZELDA
Oh!
MILES (looking up)
I think I’ll go to my room. (goes off)
***
Hilda unplugs her sander.
HILDA
This is a much bigger job than I thought. Especially after we add on the repair work to the floor.
SALEM
Or, we leave it like it is and turn the dining room into a cock fighting pit.
HILDA
I know we can get this job done, it’s just gonna take a little elbow grease.
SALEM
I’m a cat. I don’t have elbows. You, on the other hand, have a magic finger. Use it and get us out of this home improvement nightmare!
HILDA
Don’t you want the satisfaction of knowing that we did this ourselves?
SALEM
No. I want nothing more than to eat, sleep and dream about Mrs. Michael Douglas.
HILDA
I don’t care what you and Zelda say, I am gonna' make our house a nicer place to live.
Hilda turns the machinery back on and Salem gets caught up in it, being dragged through the hole.
SALEM (as he falls)
Aarrrghh!
***
Sabrina and Roxie walk back into the living room and find Zelda sat up on the armrest of the couch, making an order from an infomercial through the phone.
SABRINA
Aunt Zelda, you’re up?
ZELDA
Shhh! I’m ordering a Gonzo knife. If I act now they’ll throw in a complete set of titanium kebab skewers.
ROXIE
And if I act now I might actually get some sleep. Bye. (walks off to her bedroom)
SABRINA/ZELDA
Good night.
ZELDA (talking on the phone)
Yes. Oh, what the heck, we only live once. Throw in the Game Captain Chicken De-boner. (hangs up)
SABRINA
Aunt Zelda, I’m a little confused here. When I left you were watching the opera. How did you go from Die Fledermaus to de-boner?
ZELDA
Well, after the opera ended I was flipping through the channels and that show came on, the one with the Hungarian and the pig, and before I knew it I was laughing myself silly. Oh that Gabor gal and the Penwar husking corn. It still tickles me. (laughs)
SABRINA
That’s my favourite episode.
ZELDA
I can’t believe how much I’ve been missing. Sabrina, I know why you and Roxie ditched me tonight.
SABRINA
Mmm, because you’re a teeny weenie bit of an uptight control freak?
ZELDA
I was, but that’s about to change.
SABRINA
And you got all this just from watching Green Acres?
ZELDA
Well, and...and watching the way you kids live. I mean, when I was in college every time I wanted to cut loose, somebody was there telling me I couldn’t and, usually that somebody was me.
An unnoticed Miles comes from his room.
SABRINA
Wow, after all these years you’re finally ready to pop out of your shell.
ZELDA (holding her arms up)
I’m poised and ready to pop!
MILES
You probably don’t want me in the room for this. I’m gonna go. (goes back to his room)
SABRINA
Well, that’s great. You go, girl...I mean, aunt girl.
ZELDA
Wo-who!
SABRINA
Wo-who!
***
The following morning, Sabrina comes out her aunt, who has just awoken after a night on the couch.
SABRINA
Good morning, aunt Zelda. So, how did you sleep?
ZELDA
Oh, amazingly well. I’m starving, what’s for breakfast?
SABRINA
Oh, breakfast, the most important meal of the day.
Now in the kitchen, Sabrina opens the cupboard, where anything besides the ingredients for a normal breakfast can be found.
SABRINA
You can have anything you want. Just reach in and grab the first thing that appeals to you
ZELDA
Oh, I couldn’t. (reaching into the cupboard) Dare I?
SABRINA
You must. Unless you want to go back to being your old, uptight self.
ZELDA
Never!
SABRINA
Then watch and learn.
Suddenly, all to fast perhaps, they make a sweet-looking breakfast bowl with all the essentials from the cupboards. Zelda tastes it.
ZELDA
Not bad. In fact, it’s delicious.
SABRINA (as they sit at the table)
Wow. I’m very proud of you aunt Zelda. You know, yesterday you would never have eaten gummy bears with peanut butter and an eight-day-old meatball sandwich.
ZELDA
You’re darned right I...how old was that meat?
SABRINA
Do we care?
ZELDA
No.
SABRINA
Are we loose?
ZELDA
Yes. We’re loose. (standing) Give me an L!
SABRINA (embarrassed)
We’re not that loose.
***
Hilda and Salem are sanding by hand.
HILDA
Oh, come on, step it up. At this rate we’re never gonna' finish.
SALEM
My feet are raw. They’re bleeding!
HILDA
Oh, you idiot. You put the sandpaper on upside down.
SALEM
Get it off me!
***
Sabrina and Roxie are sat up beside each other on the couch "braiding" Zelda's hair, who is sitting on the floor.
ZELDA
So, how’s it going up there?
ROXIE
Technically, what’s the difference between braids and knots?
ZELDA
Knots? Oh, dear...I mean, argh...whatever. I’m up with that.
SABRINA
The expression is ‘Down with that’, and you look great.
Morgan comes running in.
MORGAN
You guys aren’t going to believe this! I got us invited to a rave tonight.
ZELDA
What’s a rave?
ROXIE
A wild dance party that happens with no advanced warning.
MORGAN
Someone gives you a phone number. You call, then you get another phone number. Then, if you sound cool enough they tell you where the party is.
ZELDA
That leaves no time to buy a hostess gift.
SABRINA
Aargh, not a big problem at raves.
ROXIE
I’ve gotta go change. It could take me hours to find something that says ‘I just threw this on.’ (turns away)
MORGAN
Oh, I’d say you’re there. (Roxie gives her a look and continues on) Oh, I have to tell Josh where to meet us. (runs upstairs)
SABRINA
Are you coming with us aunt Zelda?
ZELDA
Oh, no. How could you just go to a party on the spur of the moment?
SABRINA
Well the spur is the best part of the moment.
ZELDA
Sorry, I have to teach class in the morning. (looking at herself in a hand mirror) And besides, I look like an albino Whoopie Goldberg.
***
At the party, Sabrina dances with a group of people. Music roars in the background. Lights flash everywhere.
SABRINA
This party is so awesome!
ROXIE (to Morgan)
Who would have thought you could have gotten me invited to such a cool party.
MORGAN
Oh, don’t worry, it won’t happen again.
JOSH (coming over)
Sabrina, I think I saw your aunt over there.
SABRINA
Really? So she showed up. Wow. What’s she doing? Hiding in the corner clutching her hostess gift?
JOSH
I think she is the hostess gift.
Zelda, dressed freely, is being crowd-surfed on top of a group of boys.
ZELDA
Oh, hi Sabrina, this rave is fabulous. (to the people holding her) Boys, would you mind passing me towards the ladies room? I need to freshen up a bit.
Zelda is hauled away. Sabrina cannot believe what she has just witnessed.
SABRINA
Am I hallucinating or did one of my primary care units get passed over our heads like a sack of potatoes?
JOSH (eyes on Zelda)
Wow, if I had an aunt who partied that hardy I might go home for Thanksgiving once in a while.
MORGAN
Hello, remember me? Your girlfriend?
JOSH (to Morgan)
Don’t worry, we’ll toss you around as soon as we’re done with her. (walks over to the group)
***
SABRINA
OK, I’ve gotta put a stop to this. Aunt Zelda! Can I talk to you for a second?
ZELDA
Sure, honey. (to the men holding her) OK fellas, time to touch terra firma. (as a man helps her balance) Very smooth landing. Thank you.
VIC
Vic.
ZELDA
You’re not a Vic, you’re a Victor, a conqueror.
VIC
Actually I’m a Blowski, Vic Blowski.
ZELDA
Ah yes, so it says on your tattoo.
SABRINA (taking Zelda aside)
What are you doing?
ZELDA
Having the time of my life. Thanks to you I feel like a young lass of two hundred again.
SABRINA
Aunt Zelda, I told you to loosen up a little bit, not become completely unravelled.
ZELDA
I am not unravelling. But I’m on my way. (turning on) Boys! Set me up again!
***
Sabrina is near the front door at her house, pacing around when Zelda walks in.
SABRINA
Where have you been? It’s five-thirty in the morning! You could have picked up a phone and called!
ZELDA
Well, I was with my friends and we weren’t near a phone.
SABRINA
That’s no excuse. I have been up all night worried sick about you.
ZELDA (now in the living room)
I’m sorry. I promise, next time I’ll be home before...wait a minute, you’re not my mother. (sits down on the couch and takes off her boots)
SABRINA
Aunt Zelda, do you realize you have a class to teach in two hours?
ZELDA
Yes, I do. Sabrina, I have been where I am supposed to be every day for the last six hundred years, tonight I’m doing something for me. Now if you’ll excuse me, Vic is waiting for me out in the van.
SABRINA
You are going out with a guy named Vic who drives a van?
ZELDA
He doesn’t just drive a van...he sells steaks out of the back. (exits through front door)
***
Hilda has finally finished varnishing.
HILDA
Done! And I must say Martha Stewart is an amateur compared to me.
SALEM (at the opposite side of the room)
Except she probably never varnished herself into a corner.
Hilda, as Salem just said, is confined to the corner.
HILDA
First of all, I am not in a corner. Secondly, how long do you think it takes for varnish to dry?
SALEM
Hilda, if there was ever a time to use your magic it’s now!
HILDA
All right! But I did all the tough part myself.
Hilda disappears as she zaps herself with a puff of smoke, only to reappear beside Salem in another puff.
HILDA
Well, that solves that problem.
Sabrina starts walking over from the kitchen, stepping all over the varnished floor.
SABRINA
Aunt Hilda, why are my feet sticking to the floor?
HILDA (annoyed)
Because you’ve just ruined nine hours of varnishing!
SABRINA
Well, we’ve got bigger problems. Aunt Zelda stayed up all night last night dancing at a rave.
HILDA
A rave? (continues on Sabrina's nod) One of those wild, out of control parties that usually end up being shut down by the police? (again, on Sabrina's nod she continues) How come you didn’t invite me?
SABRINA
Aunt Hilda, I’m really worried. I mean she’s gone completely off the deep end.
HILDA
Don’t worry Sabrina, it’s good for Zelda to loosen up a little bit.
SABRINA
Well...Zelda Spellman, professor of quantum physics, is now cruising around town in a van with a twenty-two year old meat salesman named Vic.
HILDA
We’ve gotta' find Zelda and talk some sense into her. We’re also low on flank steak.
In an array of sparks, the two of them disappear.
***
There is knocking from the door at Michelangelo's Tattoo Parlour.
MICHELANGELO
Yeah, yeah, yeah! Hold your horses. Hold your horses. (opens the door and Vic and Zelda come in) Hey Vic, do you know what time it is?
VIC
I’m sorry, man, but my new lady, Zelda, she wants a tattoo. Zelda, meet Michelangelo, the best tattoo artist in this city.
ZELDA (shaking hands with Michelangelo)
And it’s a pleasure to meet you. You are named after one of my very favourite artists.
MICHELANGELO
Oh, you’ve been over to my uncle Michelangelo’s parlour in Jersey huh?
ZELDA
No, I was talking about the Michelangelo who painted the Sistine Chapel.
MICHELANGELO
Oh, great, more competition.
VIC
This is Zelda’s first tattoo.
MICHELANGELO
Well, better late than never. So, what do you have in mind?
ZELDA
Can you give me a rendering of Lucas Crannock’s ‘The elders judgement of Paris’?
MICHELANGELO
No, but I can give you a rat that says keep on trucking.
VIC
Go ahead. Look round, see what you like, babe.
ZELDA
OK...babe.
As she looks on the walls, she suddenly finds that Hilda and Sabrina's figure have appeared in the tattoo designs.
HILDA
Zelda! What are you doing?
ZELDA
Choosing a tattoo, and I can assure you it won't be of you.
SABRINA
You can’t get a tattoo, it’s not your style.
ZELDA
Well, maybe it wasn’t before, but it is now.
HILDA
Oh yeah, your biceps are just crying out for ‘So many chicks; So little time.’
ZELDA
I really don’t appreciate the two of you interfering in my affairs.
SABRINA
Welcome to my world.
VIC
Yo, babe! You pick one out yet?
ZELDA
Not yet... babe! (to Sabrina and Hilda) I would like the both of you to leave...now.
SABRINA
We can’t just leave you here to ruin your life.
ZELDA
I’m not ruining it, I’m changing it and I refuse to discus this any further with a couple of busy-body tattoos!
Sabrina and Hilda disappear again. Vic walks over.
VIC
So, what’s it gonna be, babe?
ZELDA
I’ve made up my mind. (pointing at her chosen design) I want that rose right over there.
VIC
Spooky! That’s the one mom picked.
***
Zelda is sat up in position on the chair.
VIC
Get ready, babe, 'cause this is gonna hurt like hell.
MICHELANGELO
Yeah, most chicks say it’s not as bad as child birth. (tilts Zelda's chair back)
ZELDA (albeit scared)
Well now that I’m completely at ease, ink me babe.
MICHELANGELO (the tattoo pen is not working)
Something wrong, it’s not working. I’ve never seen anything like this, your skin won't absorb the ink.
ZELDA
That’s odd.
MICHELANGELO (looking at his now broken needle)
That was a brand new needle. Hey lady, you’ve got some very weird flesh.
VIC
Hey, don’t diss my girls flesh! Come on babe, we’ll try another place.
ZELDA
No, I should have realized I couldn’t get a tattoo.
VIC
Well do you wanna' get something pieced instead?
ZELDA
I’m sorry Vic, this just isn’t gonna work out.
VIC
Why not?
ZELDA
Cause I’m trying to be something I’m not. It’s not you, it’s me. (gives him a kiss on the cheek) Goodbye...babe.
VIC
Good bye, babe. (leaves)
MICHELANGELO
Hey, I’m sorry man. So how’s the rib buy this week?
VIC
I’d go with the Porterhouse.
***
Sabrina and Hilda come downstairs into the kitchen together.
HILDA
That was a big waste of time.
SABRINA
It’s all my fault, I only meant to loosen aunt Zelda up a little bit. Instead I turned her into trailer trash.
HILDA (taking some peanut butter from the pantry)
Maybe it’s not such a bad thing. Now I’m the classy one in the house. Drat! We’re out of pork rinds and Ding Dongs!
Zelda walks in through the back door.
SABRINA
Aunt Zelda, you’re back.
HILDA
With no visible tattoo.
ZELDA
I didn’t get a tattoo.
SABRINA
Oh, so we did get through to you.
HILDA
I’m so glad! So nice to know that I helped my sister in her time of need.
The three of them sit at the table.
ZELDA
The needle wouldn’t penetrate my skin. My witch subconscious wouldn’t allow me to do something so untrue to myself.
HILDA
Same thing happened to me when I tried to become a nutritionist. (takes a spoonful of peanut butter)
ZELDA
I guess I’m just condemned for all eternity to be a beautiful, uptight genius.
HILDA
Give yourself a hundred years...you won't be so beautiful.
ZELDA (sarcastic)
Thank you so very much.
SABRINA
Aunt Zelda, you’re not condemned to be uptight. Your subconscious didn’t stop you from eating Gummy Bears and an eight-day-old meatball?
ZELDA
Well no, I guess it didn’t.
SABRINA
See, you can loosen up. You just have to stay true to who you are.
ZELDA
You're right, Sabrina. Thanks to you I can still be a hang loose gal. (extends her arms up and it catches with the wrist-cuff on her arm) Aw!
SABRINA (assisting Zelda)
Of course you can. Now, wanna go out and get some breakfast?
ZELDA
Now? Shouldn’t you be getting ready for class? And by the way Sabrina, if you keep up that partying all night, you are gonna flunk out of college.
Zelda stands and switches the salt and pepper shakers again.
HILDA
So much for hanging loose.
SABRINA
Welcome back, Aunt Zelda.
SALEM (V/O from dining room)
Help! Cat stuck in varnish.
HILDA
On second thought, breakfast sounds good.
The three leave.
***
Sabrina, Roxie, Morgan and Josh are all piled on the couch watching TV. The doorbell rings, and when nobody answers, it rings again.
SABRINA
One of us should really get that.
ROXIE
Yeah, one of us should.
MORGAN
The youngest or the closest?
JOSH
I can’t make such a big decision right now, let’s wait until the next commercial.
For the third time the doorbell rings.
SABRINA
Oh, I'll get it. (shouting) Come in!
Hilda walks in, with a suitcase behind her and stands at the table. Sabrina joins her.
HILDA
Hi!
SABRINA
Oh, no, not again.
HILDA
Oh, relax, I'm not moving in. (puts the suitcase on the table) I just came by to drop off a little thank you gift from Zelda.
Hilda opens the suitcase and we find that it is full of steaks.
SABRINA (seemingly sarcastic)
Wow, a suitcase full of raw meat. That' so thoughtful.
HILDA
And so marbled. I’m keeping the T-bone. Bye.
Taking her steak, she leaves.
***
END CREDITS
***
Based on characters appearing in ARCHIE COMICS
Episode originally written by Ruth Bennett
