Sabrina is in the empty coffeehouse, on a step ladder securing together a heart-shaped wreath. Josh is at her side.
SABRINA
There. Nothing says love like a gussied up internal organ.
JOSH
Any big Valentine plans?
Sabrina falls off the ladder as she steps down. Josh catches her before she hits the ground.
JOSH/SABRINA
Whoa!
Sabrina and Josh get caught up gazing at each other.
SABRINA (breaking the silence)
No. Argh...no, no big plans yet.
Hilda comes over with two cups full of pink liquid.
HILDA
Behold, Hilda’s valentines brew. (passes the mugs) I’m calling it cappu-pinko.
JOSH
It looks like warmed over Pepto-Bismol.
SABRINA (after tasting)
Oh! It tastes like it too.
HILDA
That’s because it is.
SABRINA
Are you sure you’re not going overboard with this whole valentine thing?
HILDA
Absolutely not. Hilda’s is going to be the place for hot, young couples in the know. Desserts, coffee, cabaret, I’m going to perform. Can you think of a better way to end a romantic evening?
SABRINA
Argh, I can’t think of a faster way.
JOSH (after checking his watch)
Oh, speaking of romantic evenings, I gotta get out of here. I still have to make my plans for Valentines Day.
HILDA
Which, I’m sure, includes a stop at Hilda’s?
JOSH (heading away)
Yeah, right. It’s my first Valentines Day with Morgan. I want everything to be perfect. I’m planning a moonlight cruise around Boston harbour and as the boat gently rocks, we can snuggle beneath the stars. Sound romantic enough?
After taking his coat, he exits.
SABRINA (to Josh)
Sure. (to herself) Only if you’re into that whole nautical display of affection thing.
HILDA
I really admire you, Sabrina.
SABRINA
What do you mean?
HILDA
Well, the guy that you’ve had a thing for is, apparently, head over heels for your roommate and you’re dealing with it like a mature, rational adult. What does that feel like?
SABRINA
You just have to accept it and not let it get to you. You know? It’s nothing to get upset over.
HILDA
Well, I am so impressed. Dou you think you can help me finish off these decorations?
SABRINA
Mmm, no problem.
Sabrina zaps her finger around and the coffeehouse goes up in an array of sparks. After the spell has been cast, all the pink roses have gone dark. The heart that Sabrina hung up comes flying down in a mess of morbid petals.
SABRINA
OK , maybe I am just a tad upset. (sips her drink)
***
OPENING CREDITS
***
Sabrina comes out of her class and bumps into an older guy, Kevin. They both turn in the same direction again when they try to walk away.
KEVIN
Sorry about that.
SABRINA
No, no problem. Next time I get to lead.
As they turn off, they both look back at each other and smile. As Sabrina is walking, she falls down on the path of Roxie, and gets herself back up.
ROXIE
Smooth. Guys like a girl who can do her own stunts.
SABRINA
Isn’t he cute? We’ve been smiling at each other all week. I’m hoping he’s gonna' ask me out for Valentines Day.
ROXIE
Oh, please, don’t tell me you’re another one of those poor, pathetic souls who feels worthless if she doesn’t have a date for Valentines Day?
SABRINA
Well, I guess I don’t have to tell you now.
ROXIE
Sabrina, Valentines Day is nothing more than a commercial rip off. They should just rename it St. Suckers Day.
Miles walks over.
MILES
Hey.
ROXIE
Miles, tell her that Valentines Day is nothing more than a bogus holiday engineered by the greeting card industry.
MILES
In cahoots with the flower companies and the catering manufacturers, and I have a hunch that the trilateral commission is also involved.
SABRINA
Phew, I never realised how much you two have in common.
Roxie and Miles glare at each other.
***
Salem is on the table reading the newspaper. Hilda is pouring herself a cup of coffee.
SALEM
So, Hilda, got any valentines plans?
HILDA
Oh, yeah. Big going's on down at the coffeehouse, and you?
SALEM
Watching The Loveboat marathon.
HILDA (sitting down)
Well, we’re doing better than most years my friend.
They bang their mugs against each other's.
SALEM
Cheers.
HILDA
Of course, Zelda probably has incredible plans that will put us both to shame, just like she’s thrown in my face every Valentines' Day for the last six hundred and eleven years.
SALEM
Guess again, girlfriend, I happened to catch a peek at her appointment book.
HILDA
Salem! That’s private!
SALEM
Hey, I had to use the box and I needed something to read.
Zelda comes down from upstairs shaking out her diary. Hilda tries to hide her smirk.
ZELDA
Does anyone know why there’s sand in my day-planner? (to Hilda) What are you smiling about?
HILDA
Oh, nothing. What you doing Wednesday?
ZELDA
Hoping to catch up on some reading, grading some papers. (looking at her diary) Oh, my lord, look at that, it’s Valentines Day.
HILDA
And, you don’t have any plans and I do! I am throwing a huge Valentines bash down at my highly successful coffee establishment.
ZELDA (sitting)
Hilda, when are you going to get it through your head that Valentines Day is not a competition between us?
HILDA
I’ve been waiting for this day for six hundred and eleven years.
The doorbell rings.
ZELDA
You really ought to get yourself a hobby. (leaves to answer the door)
HILDA (to Salem; as Zelda is gone)
I have a hobby. Gloating!
***
Zelda opens the door. Calvin, the mailman is on the other side.
ZELDA
Yes?
CALVIN
Hi, I hate to bother you, but I noticed that a few of your outgoing letters didn’t have stamps.
ZELDA
Oh, sorry about that. Thank you for bringing it to my attention.
CALVIN
It’s my job.
ZELDA
And you do it so well. (turns away and then comes back to the door) Say, would you like to be my date for Valentines Day?
CALVIN
Well, sure. (laughs) Most people just give me a dollar or some stale candy.
ZELDA
Oh, a delightful sense of humour. OK, well, um Wednesday then, see you at eight, argh...(looking at Calvin's named badge)...Calvin.
CALVIN
Well, I’ll see you at eight Zelda...or Hilda Spellman.
ZELDA
Zelda. (closes the door. Hilda is standing behind her in disbelief) What? (pause) Well, how could I say no and break his poor, little civil servant heart? Oh, and you can make that six hundred and twelve in a row.
She licks her finger and waves it teasingly in the air as she walks past Hilda.
***
Sabrina and Roxie side by side walk up onto the front porch outside their house.
SABRINA
I don’t mind not having a date for Valentines Day, it’s just, I’m gonna' miss the romantic stuff, you know?
ROXIE
Yeah, I had this one romantic Valentines Day. This guy I was seeing gave me an ankle bracelet, a necklace and earrings.
SABRINA (drawing her keys)
Wow, that’s quite a haul.
ROXIE
Yeah, that’s what the jury said right before they sent him away for armed robbery.
SABRINA
Well, at least you know he’s not with another girl. (laughs) Oh, I’m sure I don’t wanna' hear another word about Valentines Day.
Sabrina turns her key in the hole and she and Roxie step inside the house. Morgan is sitting on the couch beside Josh.
MORGAN (goes over to Roxie and Sabrina)
Hey, guys. Guess what Josh and I are doing for Valentines Day?
SABRINA (to Roxie)
Oh, well that was a blissful nanosecond.
MORGAN
Josh is gonna surprise me with roses. (to Josh) Red, not pink. (to Roxie and Sabrina) And chocolate. (to Josh) Dark, no nuts. (to Roxie and Sabrina) And then he’s taking me to dinner at this fabulous seafood place.
JOSH
Gee, I never knew I was so thoughtful.
ROXIE (on the move to her room)
By the time she’s through with you, you’ll be thoughtful and broke.
JOSH (standing)
Well, I guess I have my work cut out for me. I will see you later.
MORGAN
OK.
Josh and Morgan lock lips.
MORGAN
Bye.
Morgan walks off. Sabrina talks to Josh as he goes for the door.
SABRINA
Hey. What happened to the whole moonlit, romantic harbour cruise?
JOSH
I never got a chance to tell her about it. You know Morgan. She knows what she wants.
Josh walks out. Morgan comes over to the kitchen with Sabrina.
MORGAN
Josh is so perfect. I mean, sure, he needs a little push in the right direction, but what man doesn’t? Oh, this is absolutely the best relationship I have ever been in.
SABRINA
Oh, well you certainly have a lot to compare it to.
MORGAN
Thank you. So, what are your plans?
SABRINA
Oh, no big plans yet. But I’m hoping something’s going to happen with this guy in my philosophy class.
MORGAN (sitting on the bench)
Name?
SABRINA
Kevin O’...something or other.
MORGAN
Kevin O’Connor. Tall, artsy, asked me out, I rejected him. Perfect for you! Don’t worry, I will set the whole thing up.
Sabrina follows Morgan as she goes to the phone.
SABRINA
Oh no, no, no, no. You really don’t have to call him.
MORGAN
Please, Sabrina, it’s the least I can do. I mean, I owe you.
SABRINA
For what?
MORGAN
You’re the one who introduced me to Josh.
SABRINA
Oh, well in that case, start dialling. (Morgan starts to ring; Sabrina mumbles) You owe me big time.
***
Sabrina is leaning against the wall at the corridor between classes at Adam's. Roxie comes over.
ROXIE
Don’t tell me you’re standing here trying to look cool just so Morgan’s friend can discover you in the hallway?
SABRINA
Why do you keep asking me questions you don’t want to hear the answers to?
Sabrina takes a sip of water from her bottle. Kevin sneaks up behind her.
KEVIN
Sabrina?
Sabrina turns away, as she spits out her mouthful of water. She catches it in her hand.
ROXIE(amused)
Hi, I’m Roxie and, yes, the poor girl with water coming out of her nose is Sabrina.
SABRINA
Yeah, it’s important to keep your nasal cavity well hydrated. You must be Kevin.
KEVIN
Yeah, it’s nice to meet you. Well, this is of weird, but I guess we have a date for Valentines Day. Morgan did tell you that, right? Because if she didn’t then things just got really weird.
SABRINA
No, no, no, she told me. I’m really looking forward to it. I mean, you know, if you are.
KEVIN
Oh, yeah. Of course I am. So, argh...Morgan will give you the details. She’s got the whole thing worked out.
SABRINA
Morgan?
KEVIN
Yeah, we’re doubling with her and Josh. I think the four of us will have a really great time. I’ll see you.
Kevin walks off.
ROXIE
Bye.
SABRINA (to Roxie)
The four of us?
ROXIE
Hmm, a double date with Pete and Patty Perfect. (tugs Sabrina) That’ll be a rocking good time.
SABRINA
It won't be so bad. I mean, Kevin seems nice and Morgan’s easy to take in small doses, (they start pacing along), and Josh and I have so much history we’re practically like cousins.
ROXIE
All I can say is, I’d rather be in a Turkish prison that on that dumb date.
Roxie walks off with a smirk on her face. Sabrina holds out her finger.
SABRINA
That could be so easy. (her finger gives a 'ping') Shhh!
***
Hilda is following Zelda downstairs into the kitchen.
HILDA
I can’t believe you’re actually going through with this. What could you possibly have to say to a mailman?
ZELDA
Well it just so happens that I’ve been doing some reading...(takes a book from the table)...and the history of the postal service is actually quite...why is there sand all over it?
SALEM
Airmail pilots were strong and brave.
HILDA
You’re only going out with this guy so you’ll have a better Valentines Day than me. Well, sister, and I mean that literally, this is gonna' be one for the record books, 'cause after tonight, I am gonna be the toast of Westbridge. The queen of V.D. (Zelda smiles) Valentines Day.
Hilda zaps herself into an elegant red dress.
SALEM
That certainly says V.D. to me.
***
Sabrina comes running out past the couch, calling out to Morgan. Roxie and Miles are sitting beside each other reading.
SABRINA
Morgan, hurry up. We’re gonna be late!
MILES (to Roxie)
Guess it’s just gonna be the two of us. Got any plans for tonight?
ROXIE
What’s that supposed to mean?
MILES
We’re in the same house. I’m not doing anything, and I just thought maybe we could play Risk or battleship, or...(pause; Roxie stares)...I’m gonna go to my room now. (walks off)
Sabrina walks over.
SABRINA
Roxie, why are you so mean to Miles?
ROXIE
I didn’t say anything.
SABRINA
You could destroy somebody with a look.
ROXIE
Yeah, it’s the one good thing I got from my mom.
Morgan comes down.
MORGAN
We’re late, so make it quick. Blah blah blah I look gorgeous...blah blah blah. Breathtaking! OK, let’s move out, Spellman.
Sabrina follows Morgan to the door.
SABRINA
Bye, Roxie. Have fun tonight. And try to be nice to Miles.
ROXIE
I’ll try, as long a dork-boy doesn’t make me play Perquackey.
SABRINA
I have a feeling you won't mind. Make Miles’ good points as clear as a bell, make Roxie think he’s really swell.
Sabrina pings her finger at Roxie.
MORGAN
What are you mumbling?
SABRINA
Oh, argh, little pre-date pep-talk. Go team!
Morgan and Sabrina walk out. Miles comes out from his room.
MILES
Roxie. I don’t mean, in any way, to invade your space, but I just remembered it’s Planet of the Apes week on the Sci-Fi channel. Do you mind?
ROXIE
No, I guess...(looks up at Miles)...not.
Roxie stares at Miles dreamily as he comes and sits beside her, in slow motion for effect.
ROXIE
I never realized what beautiful eyes you have.
MILES (takes a look around)
You aren’t, by any chance, talking to me, are you?
ROXIE (somewhat suggestive)
Do you see anyone else here?
She signals for Miles to sit closer to her.
***
At the restaurant, Sabrina and Kevin are sitting opposite Morgan and Josh at a table.
KEVIN (to Sabrina)
So, argh...argh, did you grow up in Westbridge?
SABRINA
Argh, yeah, well I, you know, I moved here when I was sixteen.
KEVIN
That...that’s really interesting.
MORGAN (staging an intervention)
No, it’s not! Come on people, cut to the chase! (to Kevin) Now Sabrina writes for the paper and is an accomplished scuba diver. (to Sabrina) Kevin writes songs and once won the battle of the bands.
KEVIN (to Sabrina)
You dive?
SABRINA (to Kevin)
You write music?
MORGAN (to Josh)
Sometimes people just need a little push in the right direction.
JOSH
And you’re awfully good at pushing.
MORGAN
Thank you.
A waiter comes to the table.
WAITER
If you would like to pick out your lobsters, we can get started on your entrées.
JOSH (standing)
Oh, I can do it. My dad's a seafood wholesaler, so I know my way around a crustacean.
MORGAN
Oh, make sure they’re alert, between two and three pounds and the shells aren’t discoloured.
JOSH (hiding his disgruntlement)
Thanks for pointing that out.
MORGAN
You’re welcome, honey. (Josh walks off) Oh, I’m starting to get that tingly feeling.
SABRINA
Is your throat closing up? Because you might be allergic to the shrimp.
KEVIN
That is so weird, I just wrote a song about someone who’s allergic to shrimp.
SABRINA
Really? Well it must be hard to find something that rhymes with allergic.
Morgan taps her glass with her fork.
MORGAN
Hello! Trying to express an emotion here. I think tonight is the night that Josh is finally going to say I love you.
SABRINA (shocked)
To you? I mean, like here? Tonight? I...I didn’t know you guys were that serious about each other?
MORGAN
Very serious, but here’s my problem. Now, when he says it, do I kiss him first, and then say it, or do I say it and then kiss him?
KEVIN
Say it and then kiss him.
MORGAN
Sabrina?
SABRINA (coming to attention)
Argh...you know, why don’t I go mull it over in the little gulls room while I freshen up?
Sabrina forces a smile as she stands up, but her expression changes sorrily when she turns away. Sabrina approaches Josh at the lobster tank.
JOSH
Let me guess, you didn’t trust me to pick out your lobster either?
SABRINA
No, I’m going to wash my hands. Listen, Josh, I just wanna' say I’m really happy for you and Morgan. I mean, I think it’s great that everything is working out for you guys.
JOSH
Sabrina, I’m breaking up with Morgan tonight.
SABRINA
What?
JOSH
I have had it. I am so sick of her ordering me around and telling me what I should and shouldn't do.
SABRINA
But it’s Valentines Day.
JOSH
Well, she’ll have something to remember it by. A kiss-off...(pointing at the tank)...and that cross-eyed lobster.
***
SABRINA
Josh, you can’t break up with Morgan, you really care about her.
JOSH
I know, but she drives me insane. All right, I give my heart and soul to her, I get nothing in return. What am I supposed to do?
SABRINA
OK, but don’t do anything until I powder my nose. (turns to the restroom)
JOSH
Well, can’t that wait?
Sabrina pings at herself and turns back with an overly bright shining nose.
JOSH (shielding himself)
I guess it can’t.
***
Salem is sitting (to a cats' extent) on the couch in Hilda and Zelda's living room with a bowl of popcorn and watching TV.
SALEM
Julie McCoy, I’d meet you on the Aloha Deck anytime.
Sabrina materializes in the normal array of sparks. She runs and sits by Salem.
SABRINA
Help, I’m having a little mid-date crisis.
SABRINA
You think you’ve got problems? Captain Stubbing just got dumped by Phyllis Diller.
SABRINA
OK, so since the words Help and Crisis aren’t registering, is Aunt Zelda around?
SALEM
Yep, she and Cliff Clavin are playing post office in the other room.
***
Calvin and Zelda are seated at the table having dinner. Their conversation is a little uneasy.
ZELDA
So...
CALVIN
So...
ZELDA
Oh, here’s a question. Argh, the new nine digit zip code, crazy fad or here to stay?
CALVIN
I’m not sure, I...I...I think it’s a law or something.
Sabrina enters.
SABRINA
Aunt Zelda, sorry to interrupt...
ZELDA (cutting Sabrina off)
Oh, you’re not interrupting. Sabrina, meet our new mailman, Calvin. (Sabrina and Calvin shake on it) Sit, eat, let me get you a plate.
Zelda walks off into the kitchen. Sabrina sits opposite Calvin.
CALVIN
You’re the niece, aren’t you supposed to be on a date?
SABRINA
Oh, I was on, I mean I am on a date, but the whole Josh, Morgan thing just exploded. (Zelda is back in)
CALVIN
Well, give me the shorthand. Who’s Josh, who’s Morgan?
SABRINA
Well, Morgan’s my roommate and Josh is her boyfriend who wanted to be my boyfriend while I still had a boyfriend, but once I got rid of that boyfriend and wanted Josh for my boyfriend, we were just friends.
CALVIN
With you so far.
SABRINA
Now he wants to break up with Morgan because he thinks that she doesn’t like him but I know that she does.
ZELDA
I’m sorry, what’s the problem?
SABRINA
If I don’t say anything to Morgan and they break up, that makes Josh technically available.
CALVIN
It’s an interesting dilemma. Does Sabrina help them fix their relationship or does she keep her mouth shut and claim the man who could be rightfully hers?
SABRINA
Exactly.
ZELDA
Well, in that case Sabrina, Morgan’s your friend. You’re going to have to put your own feelings aside and do whatever you can to help her.
CALVIN
But she can’t deny her feelings for Josh.
SABRINA
Hence the dilemma. Is there any kind of um...(to Zelda)...magical solution that might solve this?
ZELDA
Afraid not.
CALVIN
No, your Aunt's right. There are no simple solutions when it comes to relationships. Do everything you can to help your friends, then if they still break up, you won't feel guilty about, argh, making your move.
SABRINA
Wow. That’s good advice. Thanks, mailman. Gotta go'. (jumps up and leaves quickly)
ZELDA
You know, that really was good advice. I had no idea you were so sensitive.
CALVIN
Do you have any idea how many copies of Psychology Today I deliver?
ZELDA
Oh.
They touch hands.
***
Sabrina sits back down at the table in the restaurant.
SABRINA
Sorry, but you know how ladies rooms can be...or maybe you don’t. (to Kevin) I hope you don’t. (the waiters come over with the plates of lobsters) Oh, look, lobster! Wa-who!
MORGAN (looking at the lobsters placed down)
Oh, they’re so small. (to Josh) I...I told you to get the ones that were bigger.
Sabrina zaps her finger discreetly at the plate with Morgan's lobster on it, and as it is placed in front of her it has grown.
SABRINA
Oh, well, argh, sometimes they take a few minutes to plump.
JOSH (to Morgan)
Happy?
SABRINA
Yeah, of course she’s happy, everyone’s happy. Are you happy, Kevin?
KEVIN
Yeah, and if the waiter brings me a big bib I’ll be really happy.
MORGAN
Oh, wait, wait, wait. No one eats until we have a toast.
JOSH (starting to get flustered)
Morgan, maybe they don’t wanna' toast. Maybe they’d just like to eat.
MORGAN
Josh, what is the matter with you?
JOSH
You’re always telling everyone what to do.
MORGAN (surprised and hurt)
Is that what you think?
JOSH
Yeah, it is.
SABRINA (interrupting)
Argh, well I, you know, I think he means that sometimes you can just be like a tad over...
MORGAN (cutting Sabrina off)
Excuse me. Our business.
JOSH
Don’t yell at Sabrina, she's just trying to help.
MORGAN
I don’t need her help.
JOSH
Right, you don’t anything from anybody.
MORGAN
What I don’t need is your attitude.
JOSH
Oh, really? Do you want a list of things I don’t need from you?
MORGAN
Oh, a list? Nice to see you’ve finally organised something on your own for a change. I am so out of here! (stands) And don’t even try and stop me.
Morgan walks off, and Josh calls after her.
JOSH
Morgan, wait. (Morgan smiles and turns back) If you see the waiter, could you tell him that we need some more butter?
Morgan walks away yet again, more serious this time. Josh turns back to Kevin and Sabrina.
JOSH
Look, I am sorry you guys had to see that. I don’t know what I was thinking getting involved with Morgan. Let’s face it, we were never meant to be together. I was probably just another notch in her Gucci belt.
SABRINA (heaves a sigh)
Josh, Morgan is in love with you.
JOSH
What? She told you that?
SABRINA
Yeah, she told us that while you were over playing God with the lobsters. (Kevin nods when Josh looks to him for confirmation)
JOSH
Really, well, if she’s in love with me, why is she always bossing me around?
SABRINA
Well, maybe she doesn’t know it bothers you. Maybe that’s just her style. Have you ever talked to her about it?
JOSH
No.
SABRINA
Well, I think you owe it to yourself and to Morgan to get all your feelings out there before you break up. Or get back together.
JOSH
Maybe you’re right.
SABRINA
Josh, I think you need to talk to her.
JOSH
Yeah, well after that crack about the butter, I don’t think that’ll be an option.
SABRINA
Good point. Gotta go'. (stands up)
KEVIN
Oh, hey. What about our date?
SABRINA
Oh, it was fun. Call me.
Sabrina runs off.
***
Miles is standing in the living room at the college house, blocking Roxie the best he can with a chair. There have been some behind the scenes developments.
ROXIE
Come on, Miles, it’s no big deal, I just wanna' hold you.
MILES
I understand the situation, but intimacy’s very frightening for me.
ROXIE
Then get ready to be terrified.
Roxie tackles the chair from him, and Miles takes advantage of the opportunity to lock himself in his bedroom. Roxie pounds at the handle but with no luck. Morgan walks in through the front door.
MORGAN
If anybody cares, I had a very traumatic evening.
Roxie pays not attention to Morgan's entrance. She is pondering around in the hallway as Morgan plonks herself down on the table.
ROXIE
That sexy little scamp thinks he can climb out the window? Well, I’ve got a window too.
Roxie runs into hers and Sabrina's bedroom. Sabrina walks in and sits opposite Morgan.
SABRINA
Oh, phew. Morgan, you're here. I really want to talk to you about this evening.
MORGAN
How could Josh treat me like that? I thought he cared about me.
SABRINA
He does care about you, he just...doesn’t like to be bossed around.
MORGAN
So, I have an opinion. If I hadn’t organised the whole evening, we never would have gone anywhere.
SABRINA
Yes, you would have. Josh wanted to take you on a romantic moonlight cruise.
MORGAN
Really? (continues on Sabrina's nod) But why didn’t he tell me?
SABRINA
You didn’t give him a chance to. If you guys don’t start listening to each other more, you’re gonna end up bossing around somebody new every month.
MORGAN
Well, that’s what I used to do...until Josh. He’s so sweet and sensitive. You know, the one guy that I actually could see having a long term relationship with. Oh, Sabrina, I don’t want it to be over.
SABRINA
Don’t tell me, tell him.
MORGAN
But, I...I don’t even know where he is.
SABRINA
Argh, he’s at the coffeehouse.
MORGAN
How do you know?
SABRINA
Oh, just call it a hunch.
Sabrina and Morgan get up and leave, and as they for the door and Morgan turns, Sabrina casts a quick spell...
***
Kevin and Josh are at the restaurant table, deep into their meals.
JOSH
I’ve gotta' get some coffee!
Josh promptly gets up and races out. The waiter comes over and hands Kevin the bill.
***
At the coffeehouse, there are crowds of college students gathered around the central area listening as a guitarist finishes playing his song. They give a round of applause, and Hilda runs over when she spots Zelda entering beside Calvin.
HILDA
Well, hello, welcome to Hilda’s. (to Calvin) Oh take a seat. (to Zelda, as Calvin is away) So, are you ready to give up? Admit that my Valentines is ten times more fabulous than yours could ever be?
ZELDA
Actually, this date is going extremely well. This mailman delivers.
HILDA
Aargh, just so I’m clear, you’re saying that this random guy who arbitrarily rang our doorbell is turning out to be your dream date?
ZELDA
It’s a crazy world.
Zelda walks down and sits by Calvin.
HILDA (after Zelda; sarcastically mocking)
Yeah, it’s freaking hysterical! (she goes over to the guitarist and takes his place) All right, you’re done. (speaking into the microphone) OK, happy Valentines Day. What a great holiday. (laughs) I’m about one bad relationship away from being one of those women who has thirty cats and pathetically names them after ex-boyfriends. Hurry Back, Big Fat Lier, Diners Ready. (laughter from the audience)
I had another cat, Can’t Commit, but he ran away.
Josh is over at the counter, alone, as Sabrina and Morgan walk in.
SABRINA
Oh, there’s Josh, go talk to him.
MORGAN
Oh, I can’t.
SABRINA
Well if you don’t, I will, and who knows what I’ll say?
MORGAN
All right, I’m going. Thanks, Sabrina. (she slowly approaches Josh)
HILDA (V/O in background)
Some of you are probably saying, whoa, is she bitter...
MORGAN (to Josh)
Hi.
Sabrina watches Morgan as Zelda comes over to her side.
ZELDA
Hey, honey, are you OK?
SABRINA
Yeah, I did the right thing. Josh and Morgan should be together and...(witnesses a hug between Josh and Morgan)...well, I should just get on with my life.
ZELDA
Well, hey, how was the guy you went out with?
SABRINA
Oh, he was really cute, but I screwed up the whole date before I even got a chance to know him. I’m going to go home and eat my weight in chocolates now.
Sabrina turns for the door, and Zelda wiggles her finger around, casting a quick spell. As Sabrina goes for the door, she bumps into Kevin, but still looking down...she bumps into him for a second time.
KEVIN
Oops, sorry.
The two of them look and realize who they've bumped into.
KEVIN
Oh, hey, we gotta' stop meeting like this.
SABRINA
Kevin, look, I’m really sorry about tonight, I handled things really badly. Do you think we could try it again?
KEVIN
Yeah, I’d like that. (pause) So can I, argh, buy you a cup of coffee?
SABRINA
Sure.
HILDA (at the microphone)
Here’s another thing I hate about people in relationships. That they’re in relationships.
SABRINA (to Kevin)
You know, I know a great place down the street.
KEVIN
Yeah.
Sabrina and Kevin link arms as they leave together. Josh, still hugging Morgan, watches them go with a faded smile on his face.
***
Sabrina and Kevin walk up to the front door at Sabrina's house, they stop on the porch.
KEVIN
I had a really great time tonight.
SABRINA
Yeah, we’re on a role, you know. It’s our first night out and we’ve already had two dates.
KEVIN
So, is it too early if I call you tomorrow?
SABRINA
You can call me as soon as I get inside.
Sabrina and Kevin kiss one final time, before Sabrina turns back into her house with a pleased, up beat smile. She finds, almost straight away, that Roxie is lying on Miles at the couch in a compromising position...
SABRINA
Whoops, I guess Miles had a few more good points than I realized.
Roxie leans up. Miles turns back to Sabrina.
MILES
I know how this looks. I tried to put up a fight but she’s very persistent.
Roxie turns Miles back over by his hair.
SABRINA (incanting a spell)
Oh, well since it’s almost the end of Valentines night, let’s give Roxie back her bite.
Sabrina pings her finger at them. Roxie jumps back off Miles, now back to her normal self.
ROXIE (stands)
Oh, my God! What have I done?
MILES
You’ve made this the most special Valentines Day ever.
ROXIE
You repulse me!
Roxie races off into hers and Sabrina's room.
MILES (to Roxie; but to Sabrina as well)
I’m OK with that!
Miles gives Sabrina a thumbs up, who returns it with a smirk and a laugh.
***
END CREDITS
***
Based on characters appearing in ARCHIE COMICS
Episode originally written by Dan Berendsen
