Sabrina, Hilda and Zelda are in the kitchen together preparing for dinner. Salem is also present.
HILDA (to Sabrina)
Is it my imagination, or do you eat more with us now than when you lived here?
SABRINA
Oh, well, I couldn’t stay away. Nobody makes ghoulash like aunt Zelda.
ZELDA
The trick is to marinate the ghoul.
A piece of paper pops up from the toaster.
HILDA
Oh, who would be so rude as to send us mail at dinner time?
ZELDA (reading the message)
It’s from cousin Marigold. She wants to send her daughter, Amanda, to live with us for a year.
HILDA
The same Amanda who set our house on fire?
SABRINA
And locked me in a jar? I’m so out of here. (turns for the door)
ZELDA
Wait, Sabrina. Oh, poor Amanda’s worse than ever.
SALEM
Can a person be worse that pure evil?
ZELDA
It’s just so sad. Her mother just got married for the nineteenth time and Amanda’s not taking it well.
HILDA
That makes two of us. I’m still trying to bag husband number one.
ZELDA
Marigold thinks that if Amanda goes to school in the Mortal Realm and lives here with us, we might be able to straighten her out.
HILDA
Zelda, this is a huge commitment. We’re going to have to think long and hard before we agree to anything. (pause) No, she can’t come!
SABRINA
When’s Amanda supposed to be here? (after shaking and blue lighting) Please let that be an earthquake!
Amanda comes hopping downstairs.
AMANDA (hugging Zelda)
Hi, everybody. Thank you so, so much for taking me in. (inhales) Ewgh, what died in here?
ZELDA
That would be our dinner.
AMANDA
I’ll order in. (to Sabrina) I guess, since you’re at college, I’ll be taking over your room. I think it’s gonna' be really cool once I’ve changed everything about it.
Amanda goes upstairs again.
SABRINA
Well, that just killed my appetite.
ZELDA
Oh, I think it killed everybody’s.
But Salem has his head stuffed in Zelda's ghoulish.
HILDA
Well, not everybody’s.
Salem burps.
***
OPENING CREDITS
***
Sabrina turns for the door. Hilda and Zelda follow.
SABRINA
All right, well, that was fun. See you in a year.
ZELDA
Honey, we’re sorry Amanda’s taken over your room, but we can’t turn our backs on family.
SABRINA
Oh, I wouldn’t turn my back on Amanda ever.
HILDA
We’ll make sure she doesn’t disturb any of your things.
There is a loud bang from outside as a barrage of items fall from an upstairs window. Sabrina opens the front door and finds that half of her things have been thrown.
SABRINA
Thanks for taking care of that.
HILDA
Salem’s right, the girl's pure evil. (taking an item from outside) Oh! Can I borrow this purse?
SABRINA
You can keep it all. I’ll be sure to write.
Sabrina zaps herself away in array of sparks.
***
Hilda and Zelda walk into the kitchen again. Salem is still perched on the counter.
HILDA
Zelda, what are we gonna do? We can’t send that little monster to a mortal high school.
ZELDA
Well, maybe we could home school her.
SALEM
Over my dead body. (Hilda and Zelda give him a deathly stare) Ghe!
A video pops up from the toaster.
ZELDA
Oh, look, a video from Marigold.
HILDA (crossed to behind the counter)
How thoughtful. It’s probably twenty years overdue and she wants us to return it.
ZELDA
Oh, look, there’s a note. (reads the note) I just met someone on my honeymoon who gave me this. Try it if you’re desperate and frustrated.
SALEM
That’s when I usually rent a video.
***
Hilda and Zelda are sitting on the couch ready to watch the video that has been sent for them. Salem is on the back of the chair. Zelda presses play.
JAMES (V/O)
Typical suburban teenagers living in a typical suburban home. Not! Welcome to Witchright Hall, where rebellious and magically challenged young witches learn to function in the mortal realm.
SALEM
Hot digidy! Our troubles are over.
JAMES
The children live and go to school under the same roof. Learning to control their magical impulses and use their powers appropriately.
HILDA
I’ve seen enough. I’ll get the checkbook, you throw Amanda in the car.
ZELDA (pulling Hilda to stay)
Wait, wait, wait.
JAMES (beside a blonde woman)
To the neighbourhood we’re simply a loving couple who adopt delinquent youths.
ZELDA(standing)
Oh, my God. That's James Hexton.
HILDA (also standing)
The James Hexton? Who’s James Hexton?
ZELDA
The man whose heart I shattered into a million pieces back in fourteen sixty-nine. Oh, he said he's never forgive me.
HILDA
Now I remember. He waded through a moat of alligators just to see you and you slammed the door in his face. I see his leg grew back.
SALEM
This is a disaster. If you take Amanda to the school for an interview, she’ll never get in.
ZELDA
He’s right. (turns to Hilda) Someone else will have to take her.
HILDA
I can’t get anybody into school! Daddy had to donate a fleet of Volkswagen’s to get me into clown college.
***
Sabrina is pacing around before Zelda and Hilda, over at her house.
SABRINA
No, no, no, no, no. On second thought...no!
HILDA (closing in on Sabrina)
I’ll buy you a Porsche?
SABRINA
Keep talking.
ZELDA (pulling Hilda away and taking Sabrina aside)
Hilda! You can’t bribe Sabrina into doing the right thing for her family.
SABRINA
Stay out of this.
Hilda takes Sabrina and turns her to the side.
HILDA (to Zelda)
Give me ten more seconds and I’ll have her palms so greased she’ll need a drip-pan.
Again, Zelda releases Sabrina from her sister.
ZELDA
Listen to me Sabrina, Witchright Hall is Amanda’s last chance. If she doesn’t get accepted there, she’ll be banished to the mortal realm forever causing destruction wherever she goes.
SABRINA
Unbelievable. I am this close to getting a nine-eleven turbo and you play the apocalypse card.
ZELDA
I am good.
***
Amanda follows Sabrina onto the front porch of the Witchwright Hall house.
SABRINA
Come on, Amanda, turn that frown upside down. You’re gonna' love it here.
Sabrina presses a button on the wall.
PHIL (V/O through intercom)
What do you want? And why do I care?
SABRINA
Argh, we have an appointment with the headmaster. Amanda Wiccan and her cousin Sabrina. We’re a little early because...
AMANDA (cutting Sabrina short)
Because everybody hates me and they can’t wait to get rid of me.
PHIL (V/O from intercom)
Wow, you sound like a real peach. Doors open.
Sabrina and Amanda enter the house and walk into the main entrance room. A dog is standing by the wall.
SABRINA (approaching the dog)
Oh look at this sweet looking dog. Here, boy.
But a voice comes from the dog.
PHIL
First off, I’m old enough to be your grandfather. Secondly, the name is Phil.
SABRINA
Oh, a dog named Phil. Any relation to a boy named Sue?
Sabrina reaches down to pat him.
PHIL
Hands off, toots, I’m not one of your touchy feely types. I happen to be the head of the Phys Ed department. Now both of you, drop and give me twenty!
AMANDA
No way. I don’t go to school here.
PHIL
Yet. (turning to the staircase) OK, let’s get a move on you lard-bottoms!
BRIDGETTE
Coming, coach Phil!
A handful of students from the school come running downstairs.
PHIL
Pathetic bunch. I know yorkies who run faster than you! (runs away)
SABRINA (to Amanda)
Well, we know one thing, the Phys Ed department is solid.
AMANDA
Yeah, I wonder what kind of slobbering animal teaches history.
James Hexton appears before them, materializing through a flicker of light.
JAMES
That would be me. James Hexton, headmaster. In a few weeks I should have the slobbering under control.
SABRINA
She didn’t mean that. She’s Amanda and I’m her cousin Sabrina.
JAMES
Delighted. (reaches to shake their hands but places it to his temple) Oh, argh, would you excuse me a minute? A mob of angry women is about to show up at the door.
He turns away and opens the door. He was correct by the "mob" part of it...but it is the gender he got wrong.
MR MCBRIDE
What do you...
James closes the door in his face and turns to Sabrina and Amanda again.
JAMES
Make that mob of angry men. I’m so hit and miss today.
James reopens the door and finds them hauling a teenage boy in his face.
MR MARTIN
Hexton, that hormone crazed son of yours is ruining our daughters lives!
JAMES
Oh, lord (checking his watch), it’s only just four o’clock. (turning to Sabrina and Amanda) All right, back in a jiff.
James steps out and closes the door behind him.
SABRINA
Well, I for one, am loving this place.
AMANDA
Great, then you stay here and I’ll move in with your roommates at college.
Amanda turns for the door, but Sabrina zaps her finger just in time to freeze frame her. Robin, the school director, has been watching from the staircase.
ROBIN
Nicely done. (comes downstairs) Oh, I’ve often practised that technique myself but I keep coming up against the same obstacle.
SABRINA
Irritable spell syndrome?
ROBIN
I’m mortal. The only magic I can do involves mascara and...(shakes her hair)...Lady Clairol. Robin Davis, school director. (shakes hands with Sabrina) I’m guessing that feisty little frozen thing is Amanda?
SABRINA
Argh-huh, and I’m her room temperature cousin Sabrina. We have an appointment with professor Hexton.
ROBIN
Oh, you are in for a treat, the man is a true innovator. This morning he took his world history class back in time to meet Ghandi.
SABRINA
Really?
ROBIN
They learned about passive resistance and then treated the Mahatma to an everything bagel.
SABRINA
Oh, well, right now he’s on the porch practising passive resistance on some irate neighbours.
ROBIN (sarcastic at first)
I bet that’s going well. I’ll be right back.
Outside on the porch, Robin steps out and sides with James, who is standing before the men. Sean admires his reflection in the glass of a window, seemingly relaxed.
MR MARTIN
This is a decent place to live!
MR MCBRIDE
I don’t think we want to have your family...
ROBIN (interrupting the arguing)
Afternoon gentlemen, what seems to be the problem today?
MR MCBRIDE
Our daughters are so busy mooning over your boy, Sean. They can’t eat, sleep or do their homework.
SEAN
You gotta' love me.
JAMES (to Sean)
I don’t think they gotta'.
MR MARTIN
It’s just plain weird. It’s like he’s got all the girls in the neighbourhood hypnotised.
ROBIN
Hypnotised? (continues on Sean's shrug) Let me assure you, my husband and I will do everything in our power to squelch whatever magic Sean wields over your daughters.
MR MCBRIDE
You know, this town thinks you and your husband are doing a fine thing taking in these screwed-up kids, but if you can’t control them, be advised, we’ve got a really testy Kuwana’s Club.
JAMES
Oh, we’ll let that be a warning to us.
The angry fathers leave.
ROBIN (she and James turn to Sean)
You put some kind of romantic spell on those girls, didn’t you?
SEAN
It seamed to work nicely with the dork spell I put on their boyfriends.
JAMES
Sean, you can’t play around with peoples feelings.
SEAN
Oh, unlike you two who can play around with the most sacred institution in the mortal realm.
JAMES
Indian Bingo?
SEAN
You pretend you’re married!
ROBIN
For your protection. To keep away suspicious neighbours.
SEAN (laughs and waves at the fathers walking off)
Working like a charm so far.
JAMES
Don’t you mouth off to us. I’m sending you up to your room and taking away your magic. Now give me the finger.
SEAN
With pleasure.
JAMES
You know what I mean.
Sean offers his finger and James does what he needs to do, before zapping him away.
ROBIN
Very impressive.
JAMES
Oh, it’s been a busy week. I’ve got fingers coming out of my...don’t ask.
James and Robin walk back into the main room of the house.
JAMES
OK, Sabrina, what do you say we defrost your cousin and get this interview rolling?
Robin closes her eyes, as James zaps Amanda out of her freeze frame.
ROBIN
Oh my God, I did it! (laughs with pleasure)
JAMES (laughs)
No, it was me.
ROBIN
It’s always you. (to Sabrina and Amanda) Nice meeting you. (to James) I’ll catch up with you later.
Robin walks off.
JAMES
If you’d care to come this way.
Sabrina and Amanda follow him down the corridor and he stops at a door, stepping through without opening the door (as if he were a ghost).
SABRINA
Oh, well, when in Rome.
Sabrina follows through, before Amanda.
JAMES
First off, let’s make ourselves comfortable.
James indicates for Amanda and Sabrina to sit. He plops himself down on a chair in front of his desk.
SABRINA (as she sits down)
Oh, well, we’re already comfortable. We felt at home the minute we walked in the door, right, Amanda?
AMANDA (now seated; forced grin)
This place bites!
JAMES
It can. I wouldn’t pet the Phys Ed teacher. All right, let’s review your file. (looking through his desk) Wiccan file? Wiccan file? I know I put it somewhere. Argh, excuse me...(his chair starts levitating as he turns to the shelves behind him)...Ah, yes. Argh, Wiccan I believe. Yes, here we are. (opens the file and starts reading as he comes back to ground level) Let’s see, you’ve been expelled from twelve different schools. You’ve forced fourteen teachers into early retirement. One into a strait-jacket. (Amanda nods proudly at Sabrina) On the other hand, you were the top seller in the Other Realm High magazine drive.
SABRINA (standing behind Amanda's chair)
That’s what I love about Amanda. She’s a real go-getter.
JAMES
It says here you never turned in the money.
AMANDA
That’s because I spent it on a mountain bike. No, wait, I stole the bike, I spent the money on a Kate Spade bag.
SABRINA
So, Amanda has a problem with dishonesty and greed, but that’s just because of her troubled background. I mean, I think if you get to know Amanda, you will see that she is a good spirit with a kind heart.
Amanda smiles and zaps a fireball onto the end of the record in James' grip.
JAMES
Oh! Aw!
SABRINA
See how quickly she warmed up to you? (James blows out the fireballs)m
***
SABRINA
I am so sorry. I’m sure if I just make a few phone calls, I can get all of Amanda’s records.
JAMES
Not necessary. I know the type of student I’m dealing with.
SABRINA
Oh, please, professor, there’s a lot more to Amanda than meets the eye. I, argh...she’s very serious about school.
Amanda zaps her finger at James and his desk is transformed into an ice cream bar.
AMANDA
I’ll have a banana split, two scoops of vanilla with chocolate sprinkles. Oh, and argh..,get a little something for yourself.
JAMES
I don’t think so. (zaps his desk back to original state) Well, so much for the interview. Now, when can you come back for the tour?
AMANDA (as if she is considering)
Never.
SABRINA
Or now. or sooner. You know, whatever works for you.
JAMES
How about after my faculty meeting?
SABRINA
Oh, Amanda’s flexible. (pulls on Amanda's cheeks) What a kid.
***
In the dining room at Witchwright Hall. James, Robin and Phil are all sat in their respective places at the table for the beginning of the staff meeting.
JAMES
Right, let’s begin today’s meeting with old business. Any old business?
PHIL
Yes, we need equipment for the gym.
ROBIN
We don’t have a gym.
PHIL
We need a gym.
JAMES
I’ll look into it. Any new business?
ROBIN
I think we should talk about Sean. He’s been wreaking havoc around here for months, and, frankly, I don’t know if we can turn him around.
PHIL
Let me handle it. There’s a pack of Rottweiler's down town who owe me.
JAMES
You want to have a student attacked by a pack of wild dogs?
PHIL
You make it sound so dirty.
JAMES
Maybe that’s because my approach to education doesn’t usually involve drawing blood.
ROBIN
James, he’s been bringing the entire neighbourhood to our door and jeopardising the security of the school. We may have to consider expulsion.
JAMES (standing)
I cannot believe what I am hearing. Are you telling me you want to just give up on a troubled youth and turn him out on the street?
PHIL
I’m with the broad. Dump the chump. Tough love, baby.
JAMES
Well forgive me if I don’t take the advice of someone who scratches himself at the dining room table. (sitting down again) I’m not giving up on Sean. If the witches had given up on me when I was at correctional school, where would I be today?
PHIL
Congress? (James gives him a look) Do we have any beer nuts?
JAMES
All right, that’s it, meeting adjourned. Robin, why don’t you show Sabrina and Amanda round the school and later I’ll have Amanda sit in on my ethics class.
PHIL
How can I be of service?
JAMES
You can clean up the mess you left in the backyard.
PHIL
Deal, but I want a new dental plan.
***
Bridgette, a bright and bubbly student from the school, comes down from the staircase and meets Amanda, who is sitting on a seat patiently outside the classroom.
BRIDGETTE
Hi! You must be Amanda. Are you a new student here?
AMANDA
I hope not.
BRIDGETTE
You’re negative. I used to be negative, now I just wanna' make a good impression and have people like me for the positive, uplifting person that I am.
AMANDA
Good luck with that.
BRIDGETTE
Thanks. (continues after a bell ringing) Time for class. Are you sitting in?
AMANDA (sarcastically)
Wouldn’t miss it.
BRIDGETTE
Great! You can sit right next to me, the seat is always empty.
Bridgette walks on in.
AMANDA (to herself)
What a shock.
Amanda follows Bridgette into the classroom – a group of kids are sitting on their seats in a circular pattern.
BRIDGETTE
Hey, everybody, let’s give a warm welcome to our guest, Amanda.
They all zap Amanda into a ski outfit.
BRIDGETTE
I love that outfit.
AMANDA
It’s yours.
Amanda zaps herself back into her original clothing and Bridgette into the ski suit.
AMANDA
That’s the best you guys can do? And you call yourselves delinquents.
SAM
I do all right. The other day I zapped a third cheek onto professor Hexton’s butt.
AMANDA
You’re still doing butt jokes? That’s so second grade.
Bridgette zaps the ski outfit off her self.
BRIDGETTE (to Amanda)
So, what do you do for fun?
AMANDA
You’re looking at the witch who put the hole in the ozone layer.
SEAN
Wow. I didn’t know girls could do stuff like that.
AMANDA
Well, you don’t know this girl. OK, so here’s the plan for today’s class. (to Sam) You, the minute Hexton starts to talk, release the killer-bees. (Amanda chucks a jar to him; turns to Sean) You, when the mood strikes, unleash Tornado-in-a-drum. (hands Sean a jar) And stay low. (turns to Bridgette) And, you, Smiley, take your pick. (holding out two jars) Salmonella or mad cow decease?
BRIDGETTE
I like them both. (takes the two jars from Amanda) Are we gonna' get in trouble?
AMANDA
Hello, we’re witches. You people have so much to learn.
James reveals himself from the sarcophagus leaning against the wall. He steps to the middle of the group.
JAMES
And, I’ll be the one teaching them, thank you very much. Now, please take your seats, and I’ll take those jars. (zaps all the jars onto his desk) Well, Miss Wiccan, you certainly are quite bold for a guest.
AMANDA
I’m just getting warmed up.
JAMES
Listen to me deary, I’ve been a witch since the Spanish Inquisition and if Torquemada didn’t scare me, you certainly don’t. (to the grouo) All right, now, where did we leave off yesterday?
SAM
I was telling Sean how I used my magic to hack into the computers at the Pentagon and you were babbling on about something.
JAMES
Ethics.
SAM
Doesn’t ring a bell.
JAMES (pacing)
Ah, yes, now I remember, I was about to pose a problem. Suppose...suppose you meet a mortal, with whom you’re interested in have a relationship. How would you go about that? Sam?
SAM
Well, I’d use a mind-reading spell to amass data from her brain and then photographically memorise her interests.
SEAN
News flash, dude. You’re photographing the wrong stuff.
JAMES
Yes, just the person you want to listen to. The only way he can get a girl to like him is to put a spell on her. Now, can anyone tell me what’s wrong with what Sean did?
AMANDA
He got caught.
JAMES
Oh, yes he did, and now his magic finger lives in this jar (examining the bottle) with a toe. Can’t explain. (Robin and Sabrina discreetly step in from the back door) All right now, listen up people, here’s the deal. You can’t find a relationship in a potion bottle. Oh, sure, you can manipulate people but real friendship, true love, they need more than magic to survive. They need human emotion.
SEAN
What makes you such an expert?
JAMES
Well, I wouldn’t exactly call myself an expert, but I do have some good friends and I did know true love...once. It was the Summer of sixty-nine. Fourteen sixty-nine and Botticelli was having one of his back yard barbeques. Suddenly, I looked up and saw a vision due west of the suckling pig. She was beautiful, she was brilliant and for a brief moment in time, she was mine.
AMANDA
What happened?
JAMES
Ah, she left me for that stud-muffin Gutenberg. Ah, big deal, so the guy printed the Bible, it’s not like he wrote the blasted thing. (looks up towards the heavens) Sorry.
SEAN
Well, maybe if you’d used magic you would have stayed together.
JAMES
But it wouldn’t have been the same, would it? Because I’d already experienced real magic, that all consuming passion that comes from within.
Robin and Sabrina, who have been listening attentively, both walk out again.
BRIDGETTE (standing)
That’s the most romantic story I’ve ever heard. (stands) But if anyone ever dumps me for a Bible maker, they're toast.
Bridgette zaps some magic across the room and some ornaments go flying.
SAM (to James)
So, are you saying that a guy like me could get a girl without any magic?
JAMES
I did.
SEAN
But, she like, totally broke your heart.
JAMES
Letting me know I had one. Now, why don’t you see if you can find yours? (opens the jar lid and Sean's finger goes back on where it should be) All right, people, I’m going to let you ponder these matters for a while, while I take these jars to the land-fill. Carry on.
James zaps himself away with Amanda's jars also. The group all turn back to Amanda as soon as he is gone.
SAM
OK, Amanda, what else have you got in that magic bag?
AMANDA
Everything from cold-sores to cold wars.
SAM
Cool.
SEAN
Can I be the first to say you’d be a real asset to this school.
BRIDGETTE
And you could help me with the yearbook.
***
Later on, after the lesson. Robin is leading Sabrina and Amanda to the door.
ROBIN
We still have a number of applications to review before we fill the space but we'll call you as soon as we make our decision.
SABRINA
OK. Well, we’ll be waiting by the phone...or the toaster. You know, whichever’s quicker.
Sabrina and Amanda step out onto the porch.
SABRINA (to Amanda)
All right, let me have it. You hate this place right?
AMANDA
I don’t know. It beats living with stepfather number nineteen.
SABRINA
Amanda, that is the most positive thing you’ve ever said. You must really like it here.
AMANDA
Well, it’s the first place I ever felt I belonged.
SABRINA
If you get accepted here you don’t have to be shuttled back and forth from realm to realm. I mean, you could really find some stability here and turn your life around.
AMANDA
Yeah, it all sounds good. But I learned a long time ago not to get my hopes up.
DUCK HEAD
I’ll put in a good word for you.
Sabrina and Amanda both look behind them to see the source of the voice they have heard. A duck head umbrella stands up in the box by the door.
DUCK HEAD
But it may not carry much weight. I’m an umbrella. (laughs)
***
Later on, in Hilda and Zelda's kitchen, Sabrina is walking back and fourth as they await the phone call.
SABRINA
What’s taking so long? Why haven’t they called yet?
ZELDA
When they do, can I answer the phone? I wanna' hear James’ voice one more time.
SABRINA
Amanda really liked the place. I sure hope she gets in.
HILDA
That makes four of us.
SALEM
Five of us!
The phone finally rings. Hilda, Zelda and Sabrina all jump for it. Sabrina answers.
SABRINA
Hello? Hi...Hi Professor Hexton. So? (pause) No?
HILDA
Oh, say it ain't so.
SABRINA
But she was so...I see...but Amanda really liked...OK...thanks anyway.
Sabrina hangs up the phone.
SABRINA
I don’t believe this.
HILDA
You? We’re the ones who are gonna' be stuck living with her.
ZELDA
Did they give you any explanation as to why they didn’t accept Amanda?
Sabrina-
No. But they’re going to.
***
Robin, James and Sam are at the dining table in Witchwright Hall.
SAM
Is it OK if I go to Copymart to look at hard drives?
ROBIN
After you clear you place.
Sam zaps his plate and glass away into thin air.
JAMES
The right way, please.
James zaps it back and Sam continues on his way through to the kitchen.
ROBIN
I caught the end of your lecture today. It was very moving.
JAMES
Oh, thanks. Do you think it had any effect on the kids?
James and Robin stand as they begin clearing their places away.
ROBIN
Well, I know it made me look at things a bit differently. Do you think that you could ever love that way again?
JAMES
Well I, argh...I suppose it’s possible.
James and Robin both reach for the same glass. They look into each other's eyes for a moment, but before anything has a chance to eventuate, Sabrina appears behind them a swirl of sparks.
SABRINA
I can’t believe you rejected my cousin Amanda. If she’s not right for this nut-house, who is?
JAMES
Lori Kersberg. Thanks to her the Cubs haven’t won a world series since 1908.
ROBIN
We take only the most extreme cases. At the end of the day, we felt that Amanda just wasn’t as troubled a soul.
SABRINA
She’s a nightmare! She’s a spoiled, selfish little brat who’s been nothing but trouble since the day she was born.
JAMES
We thought she was rather nice. Actually, that’s the main reason we rejected her.
SABRINA
You saw the well behaved Amanda. Want to see the real Amanda? Watch what happens when she finds out she didn’t get accepted. She’s gonna go ballistic.
Sabrina zaps the mirror behind them and a bubble appears with a view of Hilda and Zelda's house. Hilda is behind the kitchen counter, as Amanda comes down and sits.
AMANDA
Anything? Did the school call?
HILDA
Yes, sweetheart.
AMANDA
Well, did I get in?
SALEM
In your dreams, sweetheart.
ROBIN
Nasty cat.
SABRINA
Oh, you think he’s bad, keep watching. Ten to one says she’ll blow up the house.
They find that Amanda bursts into tears. Hilda puts her arm around Amanda.
JAMES
She’s crying!
SABRINA
Tears of rage, I assure you.
AMANDA (to Hilda; in the mirror)
I really liked it there. I mean, it’s the first place that ever felt like home.
The bubble disappears.
JAMES
Amazing. Amanda’s the first student ever to cry because she didn’t get accepted.
ROBIN
Normally they cry because the do.
SABRINA
She can change, I promise!
JAMES
Oh, that won't be necessary. Any witch who’s that desperate to be here deserves a place.
SABRINA
You mean you’ll accept her?
ROBIN (to James)
What about the Kersberg girl?
JAMES
Oh, she’s small, we can squeeze her in. (to Sabrina) How soon can you have Amanda here?
SABRINA
Oh, sooner than you can imagine.
Sabrina zaps herself away and in an array of sparks, Amanda takes her place.
AMANDA
Just so we’re clear, I’m not sharing a room with anybody.
***
Sean is walking past in the entrance hall when the doorbell rings.
SEAN
Oh, I’ll get it. (opens the door) Well, hello.
TIFFANY
Hi, my name's Tiffany. I’m selling raffle tickets for my church. They’re only a dollar, are you interested?
SEAN
Ha, I’m interested.
Amanda and Bridgette watch, unnoticed, from behind. Sean reaches to zap the girl, but instead fights the tempting thought and reaches to his pocket.
SEAN
I’ll take five tickets.
BRIDGETTE
I guess we’ll see if he learned anything in class.
AMANDA
I don’t see why a guy who looks like that even needs magic.
Sean gives Tiffany the five dollars.
TIFFANY
Thank you very much.
SEAN
No, thank you.
Sean points at Tiffany, and suddenly she morphs into a dog – Phil, the PE teacher.
PHIL
If you want a kiss, I need dinner and a movie.
SEAN
Where’s the girl?
PHIL
In your sick little mind! Now give me fifty laps and take a cold shower and I’m keeping the five smackeroos.
SEAN
Oh, man.
Sean runs off out the front door. Phil walks himself in and is greeted by James.
JAMES
Well, I can’t say I like your tactics very much but you made your point. However, I refuse to give up on Sean.
PHIL (following James through the classroom)
Hexton, you’re softer than a chewed-up slipper. Which reminds me, my gums are killing me. How about that dental plan?
***
END CREDITS
***
Based on characters appearing in ARCHIE COMICS
Episode originally written by Marley Sims & Bruce Ferber
