Hilda's coffeehouse, at night. Hilda is finishing up for the night, standing at the door with the final two customers.
HILDA
OK, thanks for coming...(closing the door on them)...and thanks even more for going. (starts taking off her apron) Finally, the riffraff has left the building.
But Sabrina is sat down opposite her date Jesse at a table. Jesse has his study book open on the table.
SABRINA (to Jesse)
And the moon Io is comprised mainly of ice crystals and sulphur dioxide.
JESSE
Wow, I've never met anyone who knows so much about Jupiter. It's like you've been there.
SABRINA (joking)
Three summer's in a row.
Hilda starts flicking the lights on and off, trying to get their attention.
HILDA
You-who! The sign says coffeehouse, not boarding house. Let's pack it up, big guy.
SABRINA
Excuse my aunt, she didn't get the subtly chromosome.
JESSE (standing and putting on his coat)
That's OK, I gotta' get going anyway. But, argh...how about we finish up this tutoring session over pasta Saturday night?
SABRINA
Oh, I'd love to. I could explain the difference between apogee and linguini.
JESSE
Something tells me one of those isn't a noodle.
HILDA
OK, junior, bust a move. Sabrina, grab a mop and start cleaning up. I'm trying to make a midnight movie.
JESSE (to Sabrina as he walks off)
See you Saturday.
SABRINA
Named after Saturn. (Jesse walks out and Sabrina turns to Hilda after picking up the mop) Quick question: are you trying to deliberately ruin my dating life?
HILDA
First of all, he asked you out. And secondly, I don't have to try to ruin dates, I have a natural gift for it.
SABRINA
Oh, well we're all special in our own way.
HILDA
OK, I have ten minutes to get to Rocky Horror, and I still have to change into my costume.
SABRINA
Oh, wait – I love Rocky Horror, can I come with you?
HILDA
Aargh, if you can clean up this whole place in thirty seconds. (walks off)
SABRINA
Way more time than I need.
She zaps her finger and the mess of the coffeehouse suddenly disappears in an array of sparks. Jesse suddenly comes running back in.
JESSE
Sabrina, I forgot to get your number and I wanted...(looking around)...wow, what happened? Two seconds ago this place was a mess.
SABRINA
Oh, well...I am a whiz with the mop.
JESSE
Yeah...argh, I was a little nervous asking you out in the first place because you're so much smarter than me. I got a hunch you're better at everything. Let's just forget about Saturday. (walks out)
HILDA (approaching Sabrina)
Talk about low self-esteem. Who does he remind me of? Oh, yeah...me.
SABRINA
He was cute, too. Why'd I have to do magic and scare him off? I guess I inherited that date killer gene too.
HILDA
On the upside, it's the same gene that lets us do this.
Hilda zaps her finger in the air and in a puff of smoke, she and Sabrina are changed into their gothic costumes for the concert.
SABRINA (with a smile)
Freaky! (she and Hilda walk out)
***
OPENING CREDITS
***
The following morning, Zelda comes over to the kitchen table sipping at an orange juice. She feels at her tooth as it stings a little. Salem is on the table reading the newspaper.
ZELDA (sitting down)
Aw, my tooth!
SALEM
Silence, wench. I'm trying to read Liz Smith. Apparently the Material Girl really digs that Kabbalah.
ZELDA (sarcastic)
I appreciate your concern.
SALEM
Well, I'd give you the name of my dentist, but you have to get neutered at the same time.
ZELDA
Thanks, but I have an appointment with Dr. Axelrod in the Other Realm.
SALEM
Could you pick me up some whitening solution for my incisors?
ZELDA
I have a better idea. Why don't you cut back on the double espressos?
SALEM
Please! I quit smoking. This is all I have left.
Hilda comes down from upstairs and pours herself a glass of orange juice.
ZELDA (to Hilda)
Morning. How was Rocky Horror?
HILDA
I got rice in my hair and toast in my bustier. Huge success. But I don't think Sabrina enjoyed herself.
SALEM
Didn't get any food in her nightie?
HILDA (sitting at the table)
She was obsessing over this mortal guy. You know the story: boy meets girl, girl uses magic, boy dumps girl. Girl goes to Rocky Horror with Aunt. Aunt sits on melted Raisinets. Aunt changes seat. Aunt seats on guy in garter belt...
ZELDA (cutting Hilda off)
Hello! Back to Sabrina. I just wish she could find a nice witch to go out with. It's so tricky dating mortals.
HILDA
Mortals? It's tricky dating anything with a pulse. Plants I'm good with.
***
Zelda is lying on the examination chair in Dr Axelrod's dental office. He is peering in Zelda's mouth with his dental tools.
DR AXELROD (while operating on Zelda)
So, how are things in the Mortal Realm? (Zelda replies as best she can...) You know, my son Derek goes to school in the Mortal Realm, huh. Boston College. He's on a hockey scholarship. (Zelda screeches a little) Why he had to go to school in the Mortal Realm is beyond me. He could've gone to school here, found himself a nice witch and settled down. (Zelda screeches again in pain as he spins around and shows her a photo of his son) Good looking kid, huh?
ZELDA (nodding as she looks at the photo)
Ah...
***
Sabrina is in the kitchen with Hilda, filling up a brown bag with food from the fridge.
SABRINA
I really appreciate you guys letting me come home and take a few leftovers.
HILDA (offering the baking soda)
You left the baking soda. Was that intentional?
Zelda comes from upstairs, returning from the dentist carrying a white bag.
ZELDA
I'm back! Salem, here's your whitening solution. (reaches into the bag) Oh, and the dentist happened to throw in some mouthwash. (places the products on the table)
SALEM
How helpful for my halitosis. (Zelda whiffs away the bad breath; Sabrina walks over)
ZELDA
Oh, Sabrina, I see you're doing your weekly shopping.
SABRINA
Yeah. Now all I need is a cute guy to help me carry this to the car.
ZELDA (she and Sabrina sit down)
Well, you're in luck. Dr. Axelrod happened to mention that he has a terrific, good looking son who's going to school right here in Boston.
SABRINA
Not interested.
ZELDA
He's smart, athletic, and best of all, he's a witch.
SABRINA
Still, not interested.
HILDA (walking over)
Sabrina, if you date a witch, you'll have a lot in common. I'm guessing there'll be magic between you two.
SABRINA
Look, it's not the witch-part, it's the fix-up part that scares me.
SALEM
Let's hope he's not a homely, horrendous hooligan.
The facial expressions of Sabrina and Zelda and the fact that Hilda backs away hints that Salem has bad breath.
SABRINA (picking up the mouthwash)
Oh, hold him down, I'm going in!
Sabrina pours some of the mouthwash down Salem's throat.
***
At the coffeehouse. Sabrina is behind the register wiping down the counter, Hilda at the side. Josh comes in through the front door and hangs up his coat.
JOSH
Hey. Sorry I'm late. (approaches Hilda) Morgan and I spent the afternoon ice skating. It was a blast. (puts on his apron)
HILDA
So let's recap. You left early last night for a date, you're coming in late from a date...what's next? Would you like me to pay you to go out on a date?
JOSH
Oh, man, that would be fantastic.
HILDA (pushing the wipe on him)
Work.
She ushers Josh in the opposite direction. Derek, a cute looking boy, Dr. Axelrod's son, approaches Sabrina at the counter.
DEREK
Excuse me. I'm looking for Sabrina Spellman.
SABRINA
You a cop? (pause) Sorry. I'm Sabrina.
DEREK
I'm Derek Axelrod. My father's the one keeping your Aunt Zelda up at night.
SABRINA
Excuse me?
DEREK
He's doing her root canal.
SABRINA (going to Derek)
Oh, so you're the smart, handsome, athletic dentist son.
DEREK
And you're the professor's niece who's perfect for me.
SABRINA
Oh, I'm sorry, my Aunt can be so pushy.
DEREK
Actually, my dad's the one who pushed. But, for once, I'm glad he did. I have a hard time meeting cool witches.
SABRINA
Yeah, well there are no clubs on campus. Talk about your unrepresented minorities.
Josh is over at the other side of the room with Hilda, looking over as Sabrina and Derek laugh together.
JOSH (to Hilda)
Hey, who's that guy talking to Sabrina?
HILDA
More importantly, does he have an older brother? Or a twin?
Sabrina approaches Hilda and Josh, bring Derek behind her.
SABRINA
Aunt Hilda, this is Derek Axelrod.
HILDA
Oh, the dentists' son. Isn't it sweet how Zelda's rotten molars bought you two together?
JOSH (jumping to attention)
Together?
SABRINA
Oh, and this is Josh.
JOSH
So, Derek...you argh, go to school around here?
DEREK
Yeah, I'm on a hockey scholarship at BC.
SABRINA
Wow, you must be really good.
JOSH
Now, I've heard, argh...that a lot of hockey players wind up losing all their teeth, and then they have to hire someone to chew their food.
HILDA
I have an idea. Why don't you and I go for a walk, and you can remind me why I hired you. (leads Josh away by the arm)
SABRINA
So, Derek, can I get you anything? Coffee, tea?
DEREK
How about a date?
SABRINA
Well, it's not on the menu, but lucky for you it's on special today.
***
Sabrina is doing up her earrings as she comes racing out of hers and Roxie's bedroom when the doorbell rings. She passes Salem, who is sitting on a table by the couch.
SABRINA
That must be Derek. (to Salem) Do you like my pearl earrings?
SALEM
Very much so. Do you like my pearly whites?
Salem opens his jaw and his teeth are shining so incredibly bright that Sabrina has to cover her eyes to avoid being cut blind.
SABRINA (as Salem closes his jaw)
Oh, well if I ever get my sight back I'll let you know.
Sabrina goes over and opens the door as the bell is rung for a second time. Derek is standing on the opposite side with a bouquet of flowers and a dental floss box.
SABRINA
Hi.
DEREK
Hi.
SABRINA (taking the gifts)
Oh, flowers, and...sample floss.
DEREK (closing the door as he steps in)
My dad wanted you to have it.
SABRINA
Oh, well, nothing says romance like unwaxed. I'll just put these in some water.
Sabrina goes off into the kitchen. Salem calls for the attention of Derek:
SALEM
Young man, if I might have a word with you. (Derek approaches) I'm not her father, and I don't care how late you keep her out. HOWEVER, table scraps would be appreciated.
SABRINA (in the kitchen)
Oh, just ignore Salem, everyone else does.
DEREK
Salem Saberhagen?
SALEM
The one and only.
DEREK
Oh, man, it's great to meet you. (Sabrina walks over to his side) You're a legend in the Other Realm.
SALEM
Really? I though your generation had forgotten me.
SABRINA
Lord knows we try. (Salem gives her a snarl)
DEREK
Hey, the world would be a much greater place if Salem Saberhagen were in the emperor's seat.
SALEM
Tell a friend.
SABRINA
Derek, you ready to go?
DEREK
Yeah, in a second. (turns to Salem) My dad always said that you got a bum wrap, and he's on the Witches' Council.
SALEM
The Witches' Council? Hey, how about you dump the broad and we throw back a couple of brewskies? I'm buying. (opens his jaw again and the strong light shines out)
SABRINA
Oh, if you wanna' keep the beautiful smile, I suggest you take your lips off my dates' butt. (Salem closes his jaw and the light ceases) Let's go. (she and Derek walk out)
***
Sabrina and Derek are sitting opposite each other at a table in the Rissoni Restaurant. A waiter walks past and puts some bread on the table, and walks off again.
SABRINA
There was that time my aunts were making a potion, and the mortal I was dating thought it was soup and tried some. We had a hard time convincing him that everyone's tongue occasionally grows hair.
DEREK (laughs)
Been there. One time on a date with a mortal, I let it slip that my dead ancestors' were coming in for my family reunion. Suddenly, the date was as dead as my Uncle Murray.
SABRINA
You know, it's so nice not having to watch what I say. If I had this conversation with a mortal, he'd totally freak out. Not that I have anything against mortals. I mean, my mother's a mortal?
DEREK (taken by shock)
Oh, you're half-mortal?
SABRINA
Yeah. Something wrong?
DEREK
No. (takes his glass) I'm just a little surprised, you seem like a total witch.
SABRINA (smiles)
That's so sweet.
***
Sabrina is sitting in her aunts' kitchen at the table doing a jigsaw puzzle with them.
SABRINA
Everything's been going so great with Derek. Last week we went hiking on the moon. Yesterday, we went to the best seafood place in Atlantis. Oh, and look what he gave me. (reaches into her bag and hands Hilda a hockey puck)
HILDA
That's a mighty big scallop.
SABRINA
No, it's a hockey puck. Derek scored the winning goal with this.
ZELDA (taking the hockey puck from Hilda)
You know, in my day, a gentleman showed his affection by bringing you a vial of frankincense. I guess the times, they are a-changing. (hands the puck back to Sabrina and she puts it in her bag again)
HILDA
Sounds like things are going pretty well between you and Derek.
SABRINA
Yeah. He's taking me home tonight to meet his parents for dinner.
ZELDA
Aw...
SABRINA (standing with her bag)
Thanks for introducing us.
HILDA / ZELDA (as Sabrina leaves)
You're welcome.
Sabrina closes the door as she is gone.
ZELDA
Exactly what did you have to do with them getting together?
HILDA
They met at my coffeehouse.
ZELDA
After I set them up at my dentist office.
HILDA
And, why were you at the dentist?
ZELDA
Because I cracked my tooth on one of your stale biscotti's.
HILDA
I rest my case.
***
Derek, with Sabrina at his side, approach the front door of his parents' house that night.
DEREK
Here it is.
SABRINA
I don't know why, but I'm a little nervous. What if your parents don't like me?
DEREK
Of course they're gonna' like you. What's not to like?
Derek leans over and gives Sabrina a kiss.
SABRINA
Gotta' like that.
Derek rings the doorbell and quickly turns back to Sabrina.
DEREK
Hey, could I ask you a favour?
SABRINA
Yeah, sure.
DEREK
Would you mind not mentioning to my parents you're half-mortal? (chuckles) They're a little funny about stuff like that.
Before Sabrina can reply, Dr Axelrod opens the door. Derek puts his arms around Sabrina's shoulder.
DR AXELROD
Hey, it's the kids! (calling out) Florence, stop cleaning already. The kids are here.
MRS AXELROD (walking over)
Tell them to come on in, it's freezing out there!
DR AXELROD
Oh, good idea. My liability insurance doesn't cover frozen girlfriends!
They all laugh and Dr Axelrod gestures for them to enter.
***
They are all sitting at the Axelrods' dining table tucking into dinner, Sabrina beside Derek, Dr Axelrod at the front and Mrs Axelrod beside him on the bend.
SABRINA (hidden sarcasm)
Mmm, braised dragon. May I have more bread, please?
Derek reaches over and hands her the plate of bread.
DEREK
Hey, you're not gonna' eat your skin? It's the best part.
SABRINA
Oh, the scales get stuck in my teeth.
DR AXELROD
Ah, sounds like a flosser. (peering on Sabrina) Sabrina, has anyone ever told you you have a perfect bite?
SABRINA
No, but I get a lot of compliments on my bark.
They all laugh.
DR AXELROD (to Mrs Axelrod)
Flo, she's got a sense of humour!
MRS AXELROD
Argh-huh! (to Derek) If you're smart, you won't let this one get away.
DEREK (anxious)
Mom.
DR AXELROD
I heard a great joke today. These two mortals walk into a bar...
DEREK
Dad!
DR AXELROD
Aargh, you're right. Maybe that one's a little too racy. (changing the joke) Sabrina, what do you call a mortal with half a brain?
SABRINA (forced smile; shoots a look at Derek)
I, argh...I don't know.
DR AXELROD
Gifted.
Dr Axelrod and his wife laugh at the joke. Sabrina and Derek cringe.
SABRINA (changing the subject)
Aargh, you have a lovely home here.
MRS AXELROD
Oh, well, thank you. We've lived here for four-hundred years.
DR AXELROD
It was a wonderful neighbourhood until the mortals started moving in. Property values are dropping like flies.
SABRINA
Mortals...mortals can't live in the Other Realm.
DR AXELROD
Mortals, half mortals, what's the difference? It's in their blood.
DEREK (holding up a plate)
Who wants the last aardvark fritter?
Dr Axelrod takes the plate from his son.
DR AXELROD
Don't get me wrong, Sabrina. Some of my best friends are half mortals. I just don't want them living in my neighbourhood. You hear what I'm saying?
SABRINA (hurt)
Loud and clear.
She takes the plate from Dr Axelrod and passes it down to Derek.
***
Sabrina enters her house, Salem is on the bench.
SALEM
Good, you're home late. That means the date went well.
SABRINA
Guess again. (hangs up her coat)
SALEM
Don't tell me you blew it! I'm working on an early parole, and Derek's father is on the Witches' Council.
SABRINA (leaning on the bench)
Oh, well Derek's father's also a total bigot. I had to spend the entire evening trying to hide the fact that I'm half mortal.
SALEM
That's awful. I hate prejudice. Do you know how many women have rejected me just because I have four legs and a tail? It's wrong, I tell you. Why don't they care about what's inside?
SABRINA
Salem, what's on the inside of you is a selfish, misogynistic pig.
SALEM
Hey. Pigs are people too.
SABRINA (sitting down)
I may have to break up with Derek, his family is just to hideous.
SALEM
Well, that doesn't mean that Derek is.
On the bench a love heart cracks and a phone falls down from it. There is a pink bow tied on it. It starts ringing.
SABRINA
Wow, this long distance phone companies will do anything to get you to switch. (picking up the phone) Hello?
A bubble appears in front of her and Derek is on the other side.
DEREK
Hi, Sabrina.
SABRINA
Hi. (resting the phone on her shoulder; to Salem) It's Derek.
SALEM
I can see that. (Sabrina puts the phone back to her ear)
DEREK
Listen, I just wanted to apologize again for what happened tonight.
SALEM
Forgiven, forgotten.
Sabrina zaps a muzzle over Salem's mouth.
DEREK
I'm really sorry. I wanted tonight to be perfect. Sabrina, I really like you, and I just hope you won't hold me responsible for my parents' behaviours.
SABRINA
Do you have any idea how horrible it was to sit through those horrible jokes? Why didn't you say something?
DEREK
I should have. I...I just stopped trying to fight with my parents. They're set in their ways. Why do you think I go to school in the Mortal Realm?
SABRINA
Well, I guess I wouldn't want anyone to hold my aunts' behaviour against me.
DEREK
Listen, argh, I just front row tickets to see the Black Hole Surfers on Friday night in the Other Realm forum. Would you be interested in going?
SABRINA
Are your parents coming?
DEREK
No.
SABRINA
Pick me up at seven.
DEREK
Great. Oh, by the way...that phone you're holding, it's white chocolate.
Derek's bubble disappears in an explosion of love hearts. Sabrina bites into the phone.
SABRINA
Mmm! Belgian.
SALEM (through a muzzled mouth)
Chocolate? (whimpers)
***
Sabrina takes a coffee from Hilda at the coffeehouse, and takes it over to Zelda who is seated on the middle sofa.
SABRINA (sitting down beside Zelda)
Here's your cappuccino, served at the tooth-friendly temperature of lukewarm.
ZELDA (taking the mug)
Oh, thank you. So, I hear things are heating up between you and Derek.
SABRINA
Yeah, let's just say we could melt a glacier.
Josh is over behind the counter standing by Hilda.
JOSH (to Hilda)
Are you listening to this? "Derek, Derek, Derek". What's so special about Derek, anyway?
HILDA
Well, in alphabetical order, he's: athletic, buff, charismatic, dashing, effervescent, funny, gorgeous...
JOSH (cutting Hilda off)
It was a rhetorical question.
HILDA
Oh.
***
Zelda is lying on the examination seat in Dr. Axelrod's dental office.
DR AXELROD
See, now that wasn't too bad, was it?
ZELDA
No, not after I passed out from the pain.
DR AXELROD
Well, this may be your last visit to my office, but I have a hunch we'll be seeing a lot more of each other.
ZELDA
Yes, it seems like Sabrina and Derek are really hitting it off.
DR AXELROD
Oh, your niece is a terrific girl. And what a sense of humour. She really loved all my jokes.
ZELDA (sitting up)
Well, I could use a laugh, seeing as how you just drilled down to my last good nerve.
DR AXELROD
OK. Um...what has an IQ of one hundred and ninety two?
ZELDA
I don't know.
DR AXELROD
The entire Mortal Realm. (laughs)
ZELDA
Sabrina found that funny?
DR AXELROD
Who wouldn't?
He chatters a pair of fake teeth.
ZELDA (standing)
Maybe somebody who's half mortal.
DR AXELROD
Well, we don't associate with people like that, so we've got nothing to worry about.
ZELDA
I see. Well, this has been a painful afternoon. In more ways than one. (walks out)
***
Sabrina is in hers and Roxie's room, looking to Salem for his opinion on what she should wear for her date with Derek.
SABRINA
OK, for my date with Derek, how about this? (holds up a skirt)
SALEM
Too long.
SABRINA
OK...(shows him a mini-skirt)...this?
SALEM
Too long.
SABRINA
Salem!
SALEM
I'm just saying, don't be afraid to show some skin.
SABRINA
Oh, you mean like this? (zaps him naked of fur)
SALEM
Are you mad, woman? I could catch my death!
Salem runs out as Zelda appears in an array of purple sparks.
ZELDA (to Salem)
Whatever you did, I'm sure you deserved it.
SABRINA
Hey Aunt Zelda, what are you doing here?
ZELDA
Well, I've just come back from the dentist and I'm a little concerned. Does Derek know you're a half mortal?
SABRINA
Yeah, I told him on our first date.
ZELDA
And he was OK with it?
SABRINA
Yeah. Look, his father's a total bigot, but Derek's not like that.
ZELDA
What makes you so sure?
SABRINA
Well, we talked about it, and he still wants to go out with me. And, you know what? He's meeting me in an hour to go to the Other Realm.
ZELDA (sitting on Sabrina's bed)
Honey, I don't mean to put a damper on this, but in my experience, the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree.
SABRINA (sitting down)
Look, Derek's great. Everything's fine, you've got nothing to worry about.
ZELDA
Then do me a favour. Since you're going to the Other Realm, why don't you use the portal at our house? That way Hilda and I can ask him a few questions.
SABRINA
Fine, whatever. But first you have to help me find something to wear.
Sabrina and Zelda get up and go to the closet. Naked Salem pokes his head in.
SALEM
If you find anything with black fur and four sleeves, toss it this way!
***
Sabrina is dressed and ready for the concert, in Hilda and Zelda's living room sitting on the couch as Zelda does her hair. She stands when the doorbell rings.
SABRINA
Oh, now please remember, this is a date, not the Nuremburg Trials. Keep your answers short, civil, and to the point.
HILDA (as Sabrina goes to answer the door)
Well, I'm out.
Sabrina opens the door and lets Derek in.
DEREK
Hey, Sabrina. Ready to go?
SABRINA (ushering Derek to the living room)
Almost, um...do you mind if we sit down for a second? My aunts' wanna' get to know you a little better.
ZELDA
(standing) Hi, Derek. I'm Zelda. And you've met Hilda.
HILDA (looking at the popcorn Derek is holding)
Oh! Magic caramel corn. That's my favourite.
DEREK
Oh yeah, I brought it for the concert. You're welcome to...
HILDA (snatching the popcorn)
Thanks! (opening the packet) "Guaranteed to tickle your inside" – well, I'll be the judge of that. (eats some)
SABRINA
Well, why don't we all sit down?
Sabrina, Derek and Zelda sit down, but Hilda stays standing, and gives off a wild laugh.
HILDA
Sorry. (sits down)
SABRINA
So, um, Derek, why don't you tell my aunts how much you love living in the Mortal Realm with mortals?
DEREK
I like it.
SABRINA
Great. OK, nice chatting, let's go.
Sabrina gets up and tries to drag Derek away.
ZELDA
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Not so fast. (the pair sit down again) You know Derek, I heard that some witches wanna' start a country club that excludes mortals. What do you think of that?
DEREK
That is the last club that I'd ever join.
Zelda nods, and Hilda gives an over-exaggerated laugh from the popcorn.
ZELDA
Hilda.
HILDA
Sorry. This corn is so funny. (Zelda snatches it away from her)
ZELDA (to Derek)
Well, surely you'd want separate golf courses?
DEREK
Wouldn't really matter to me. Don't play golf. (on Sabrina's nudge) Oh, listen, argh...I don't mean to be rude, but we have to get to the concert. It starts in half an hour.
SABRINA
Yeah, you know concerts. They always start early. OK, bye!
Sabrina and Derek start heading for the stairs.
ZELDA
Bye!
DEREK
Hey, nice to meet you guys.
ZELDA
Well, have fun. (sits down beside Hilda again as the kids have gone) Well, that was thoroughly unsatisfying. I had a lot more questions I wanted to ask him.
HILDA
Me too, like (takes popcorn from Zelda) where did he get this corn?
Hilda takes some more popcorn and laughs. Zelda reaches in and grabs some.
***
After the concert, Derek is taking Sabrina through a juice bar in the Other Realm.
DEREK
Man, that was a great concert, huh?
SABRINA
Yeah, and look at this juice bar. This place is so cool. You'd never see a place like this in the Mortal Realm. (they sit down at the counter)
DEREK
Yeah. That's kind of why I wanted to bring you here. In case I haven't told you lately, you are very special to me.
SABRINA
Well, it's been three minutes, I was getting a little worried.
They lean in to kiss each other, as the Bartender comes to them.
BARTENDER
So, what can I do you for?
DEREK
Aargh...two pineapple tsunamis.
BARTENDER
Always the complicated drinks. Just once, I wish someone would order a Snapple.
He zaps his finger and suddenly two drinks appear in front of Sabrina and Derek.
DEREK
Careful. These tsunamis can be a little rough.
They hit their glasses against each other, and as Sabrina goes to drink from hers a big splash comes out and blows on her shirt.
SABRINA
So much for that warning. I'll be right back, I think I got a starfish up my nose. (walks off)
Two Other Realm creatures are sitting at the opposite table.
CREATURE #1
Hey buddy, I hope I'm not out of line here, but your girlfriend is one good looking witch.
DEREK
Thanks. Actually, she's half mortal.
CREATURE #2 (to Creature #1)
What'd I tell you, huh? Can I spot them or what?
CREATURE #1 (to Derek)
You don't have a problem dating a half mortal?
DEREK
Why would I have a problem?
CREATURE #1
Well...
DEREK
Sure, mortals aren't the smartest carbon-based life form, but, hey, she's a cutie.
CREATURE #2
Oh, wait, wait, wait. I just heard a great one. OK, OK. How many mortals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
CREATURE #1
A hundred and fifty.
DEREK
One to hold the bulb and a hundred and forty nine to turn the house.
Derek crosses over and sits at their table with them.
CREATURE #1
I guess you've heard that one, huh?
DEREK
I know them all, man. What do you call a mortal with half of a brain? (pause) Gifted. (the three of them laugh) Love that joke, man.
CREATURE #2
So, you're just staying with cutie there until something better comes along, huh?
DEREK
Hey, it is not easy to find a full witch in the Mortal Realm. Sometimes you gotta' settle.
But Sabrina is standing behind him. She has overheard everything.
SABRINA
Settle?
DEREK
Sabrina. (goes and stands with her)
SABRINA
How could you say that? Is that really how you feel?
DEREK
No.
SABRINA
Why did you say those things, and why are you telling those idiotic jokes when you know how much they hurt me?
DEREK
Come on, I didn't mean anything by it. Look, I'm with a couple of guys, this is what guys do.
SABRINA
Yeah, well this is what I do.
Sabrina turns and walks away. Derek pulls her back.
DEREK
Sabrina, wait. You're making a big mistake.
SABRINA
Am I? Derek, tell me the truth. Could you ever get seriously involved with someone who wasn't a full witch?
DEREK
We're having fun. Don't get all mortal on me.
SABRINA
Don't worry. There's a whole other side to me. This date is officially over.
Sabrina zaps Derek away and goes and sits by herself at a table, but the creatures that Derek was joking around with before come and join her, sitting either side.
CREATURE #1
That's OK, sweetie, there's plenty of fish in the sea.
SABRINA
Back off, slime ball, and get your furry mitts off me!
The two creatures morph into her aunts Hilda and Zelda.
ZELDA
Sorry, honey.
HILDA
Oh, you must feel terrible.
SABRINA
Aunt Hilda, Aunt Zelda, what are you doing here?
ZELDA
We came to seek the truth. Sorry we had to get ugly on you.
SABRINA
Normally I'd be really mad at you, but desperate times call for desperate measures. What was I thinking? (covers her face with her hands)
HILDA (hugging Sabrina)
You were thinking that you met the one guy out there who's not a jerk. Is there a guy out there who's not a jerk?
ZELDA
Of course there is. Sabrina, I don't know if he'll be a witch, I don't know if he'll be a mortal, but I know there's someone out there for you.
HILDA
Is there someone out there for me?
ZELDA (changing the subject)
You know, I heard they make really great tsunamis here.
HILDA
I asked you a question.
ZELDA (about the tsunami drink)
Very frothy, with just a hint of mint.
HILDA
I demand an answer. (yelling) IS THERE SOMEBODY OUT THERE FOR ME?
Everybody in the pub jumps up and runs out.
SABRINA
I think you just killed happy hour.
***
Sabrina is lying upside down on her bed reading a book when the phone rings. She answers it.
SABRINA
Hello?
It's Josh on the other end. The image cuts to and fro each end correspondingly unless marked otherwise.
JOSH
Hey, Sabrina. I'm surprised to find you home.
SABRINA
It's two o'clock in the morning.
JOSH (V/O)
Yeah, exactly. I've been leaving messages for Morgan since nine o'clock.
SABRINA
Oh, she went to bed early. She has a spar appointment tomorrow and she wants to be well rested.
JOSH
Well, how are things going with you and Derek?
SABRINA
They're gone. It's over.
JOSH (with a smile on his face)
Oh. I'm really sorry to hear that.
SABRINA
Thanks, Josh. I'll tell Morgan you called.
JOSH (V/O)
Thanks.
Sabrina hangs up the phone and turns to Salem, who is sitting on the window sill.
SABRINA
Man, am I tired. Good night, Salem.
SALEM
Good night, Sabrina.
Sabrina turns off the lamp and goes to sleep. Salem opens his jaw and lets out the bright light from his teeth. This wakes Sabrina up.
SABRINA
Oh, do you mind!
SALEM
Sorry. I thought you were gonna' stay up and read.
Sabrina thumps her head back down on her pillow.
***
END CREDITS
***
Based on characters appearing in ARCHIE COMICS
Episode originally written by Barry Vigon & Tom Walla
