Kevin and Sabrina are sitting opposite each other at the coffeehouse listening to a country banjo player.
BANJO PLAYER
# Where do you come from? Where do you go?
Where do you come from Cotton Eyed Joe?
KEVIN (to Sabrina)
Have I told you lately how much I like you?
SABRINA
No. But, you know, sitting through He-haw Henry just to hang out with me at work pretty much says it all.
BANJO PLAYER
--- Cotton Eyed Joe?
Roxie walks over.
ROXIE
Just my luck, the one week I fill in and your aunt hires the guy from Deliverance.
HILDA (approaching)
I don’t understand, his résumé said he had two Grammy’s.
ROXIE
But what it didn’t say was that they were married to his two grandpappy's.
BANJO PLAYER (indistinct singing)
Cotton Eyed Joe... ??
His country singing is driving the customers away.
HILDA
What are we gonna' do? He’s driving customers out.
SABRINA (standing)
Well at least they can escape. Think about the poor banjo being held hostage.
ROXIE (walks off)
We’re the ones being held hostage.
HILDA
The girls got a point. Luckily, so do I. (she zaps a string broken on the banjo player's instrument, and shoves him inside) Sorry, folks, it looks like trudging out into this horrible rain has caused Jethro to come down with laryngitis.
SABRINA
Hey, Kevin, why don’t you get up there and sing?
KEVIN
Me? No, I...I don’t have anything rehearsed.
SABRINA
Well, you didn’t rehearse for that party Thursday night and you rocked.
HILDA (pushing the banjo player out)
No, no, no, you need to get home and rest that voice. (as he is gone) Better yet, lay that voice to rest.
SABRINA
Hey, Aunt Hilda, Kevin wants to sing.
HILDA
Oh, fantastic. (to Kevin) Go right on.
KEVIN
I would, but I don’t have my guitar.
SABRINA
You’re in luck, look. (she zaps a guitar in the corner behind him) Somebody left their guitar.
KEVIN
Oh.
Sabrina gives him the guitar and takes the microphone.
SABRINA
Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for an incredibly gifted young performer, Kevin.
Kevin takes the seat and the crowd give a round of applause. Sabrina steps over to Hilda.
HILDA
So, are you serious about him?
SABRINA
Oh, that all depends.
HILDA
On what?
SABRINA
On how serious he is about me.
KEVIN (at the microphone)
Argh, this is a little song I’ve been working on and, um, it goes something like this. (he starts playing and singing):
I used to be happy just playing rock and roll.
Chicks were alright to unwrap my soul.
But if it’s meant to be, I guess it’s meant to be.
You can imagine what, what Sabrina means to me.
HILDA (to Sabrina)
Does that answer your question?
SABRINA
I think so.
Sabrina looks up, with a warmed smile on her face.
***
OPENING CREDITS
***
Sabrina and Kevin are lip-locking on the porch outside Sabrina's house.
KEVIN (on releasing)
Sabrina, you’re incredible, I feel such a deep connection with you. It’s hard to put in words.
SABRINA
Well, you did a pretty good job in your song tonight. It was amazing.
KEVIN
Yeah, well I can think of something that’s even more amazing.
He reaches down to kiss her.
SABRINA
OK, but this is positively, definitely the last one.
They kiss again. She breaks free, after a moment or two, and runs inside. Roxie and Morgan have been peering through the window in the kitchen. As Sabrina enters they get down.
SABRINA
Oh, you guys were spying on me, weren’t you?
ROXIE
I hate to break it to you Spellman, but your life isn’t that interesting.
MORGAN
Yeah, Roxie’s right. I mean, just because Kevin thinks you’re incredible doesn’t mean that we do.
ROXIE (to Morgan)
If only you could lie as well as you accessorize.
SABRINA
Are you guys taking notes? And why are you so worked up about this?
MORGAN
Well, for one thing, a guy never wrote a song about me.
ROXIE
A guy wrote a song about me once. But he used all four letter words.
SABRINA
Look, I like Kevin a lot, but I don’t wanna' get too excited. There’s nothing worse than getting your hopes built up just to have them come crashing down around you.
MORGAN
Oh, I am with you. I don’t know how many times I was in the perfect relationship. Then, out of the blue, the guy dumped me because he found out I was dating his roommate. A girl has to protect herself.
ROXIE
You’d better hope those looks never fade.
SABRINA
I guess what I’m saying is I just wanna' take it slow.
ROXIE
Sounds like a plan to me. So, when are you gonna see him next?
SABRINA
Every night this week.
Sabrina walks off down the hallway.
***
Hilda comes in through the front door into hers and Zelda's house. Zelda is sitting on the couch, desperately upset, surrounded by tissues. Hilda doesn't notice at first.
HILDA
Sabrina and Kevin make such an adorable couple. I’ve never seen her this happy. (walks over after taking her coat off) Our little niece may be walking down the isle before we do. (Hilda sits and notices Zelda's mood) Oh, it is sad, isn’t it? What if she has kids before we do?
ZELDA (crying)
Larry Linterman died.
HILDA
But Larry was in the prime of his life. We were just at his four hundredth birthday party!
Salem comes down the stairs and jumps onto the back of the couch.
SALEM
I just...I just heard the news about Larry. Why? Why?
ZELDA
I didn’t know you were so close.
SALEM (as if finishing his statement)
Why didn’t he make out a will? I sucked up to that dunderhead for twenty years. And for what? So the Other Realm government could come in and pocket what’s rightfully mine.
ZELDA (stands and paces)
You know, Hilda, Salem makes a good point.
HILDA
Sucking up to people is a waste?
ZELDA
No. The two of us should have a will.
HILDA
We’ve got plenty of time for that, we’re young!
SALEM
Compared to what, the Dead Seas scrolls?
Zelda sits down beside Hilda.
ZELDA
All I’m saying, Hilda, is you never know. Look at Larry.
HILDA
Well that was different. Larry was...
ZELDA (interrupting)
In great shape.
HILDA
Yes, but he didn’t...
ZELDA (interrupting again)
Smoke, drink or eat fatty foods.
HILDA
Did he exercise?
ZELDA
Seven days a week.
HILDA
Well, there you go. We don’t exercise, so we don’t have to worry.
ZELDA
Hilda, I know we’re all hoping to live long lives, but eventually we will...
Hilda stands up and goes to the piano, putting her finger in her ear to block out Zelda's finishing sentence.
HILDA
Oh, no. Don’t go there!
ZELDA (running to Hilda's side)
Look, I know it’s not a pleasant topic but...(removes one of Hilda's fingers)...we need to make sure our loved ones are adequately...(Hilda puts her finger back in)...taken care of after we...
SALEM (cutting Zelda short)
Keel over, buy the farm, take a dirt nap, kick the...
ZELDA
Salem!
***
Sabrina is at the table in her house on her laptop. Kevin walks over from the lounge room with his guitar, singing.
KEVIN (approaching Sabrina)
# Then I realised I’d found my rainbow in her eyes.
SABRINA
Wow, that was fantastic.
KEVIN
I’m glad you liked it.
SABRINA
I can’t believe you wrote a whole song and I’m still struggling over line one of my newspaper article.
KEVIN
Well, it’s pretty easy to write when you have someone beautiful to inspire you. (brings Sabrina up by the hand) Sabrina, you’re my muse.
They both kiss.
SABRINA
Wow, I’ve never been anyone’s muse before. Is there, like, a special outfit I have to wear or something?
KEVIN
You know, it’s funny, before I met you it’s like I would go on these dry spells, I couldn’t write a word and now, it’s like, the music just floats into my head.
SABRINA
Oh, well, you’re not the only one floating. (the doorbell rings; Sabrina opens the door and Hilda and Zelda come in after each other) Aunt Hilda? Aunt Zelda? What are you doing here?
ZELDA
We’ve come to discus our impending death.
SABRINA (taken by surprise)
Oh, my God! Are you guys sick?
ZELDA
No.
HILDA
But we could be. We could drop at any minute.
ZELDA (annoyed sigh; turns to Kevin)
You must be Kevin. (shakes hands with Kevin) I’m Sabrina’s Aunt Zelda. You’ll have to forgive my sister, she gets a little nervous when it comes to discussing...(lips "death")
HILDA
Why are you whispering? Do you know something I don’t know? I have scurvy don’t I? Oh, somebody, quick, toss me an orange! (turns away)
ZELDA
Hilda, calm down, you’re fine. (turning to Sabrina) We’re both fine. We just feel it’s time to get our affairs in order.
SABRINA
Well, I don’t wanna' think about anything bad happening to you guys.
ZELDA
Of course not, dear, but we all have to think about the inevitable.
KEVIN
Look, I think I should leave you guys alone. (to Sabrina) I’ll call you later.
After giving Sabrina a quick kiss, he walks out. Zelda and Hilda exchange a glance.
ZELDA (taking Sabrina by arm to the lounge)
Well. He seems like a very nice man.
HILDA (following behind)
Yes, I’m sure he’ll be very comforting when Zelda and I meet our maker in a rare New England earthquake. (they are all seated on the couch by now)
ZELDA
Oh, Hilda, that’s enough. (to Sabrina) Dear, as I was saying, certain provisions must be made in case Hilda or I (lips the word "die")
HILDA
Again with the whispering!
ZELDA
I would prefer to be cremated, and I would like my ashes spread across Orion's belt...or thereabouts.
HILDA
And I wanna' stay on the ventilator as long as possible. I’m serious, if you pull the plug, I’ll know.
SABRINA
That’s so morbid. (standing) You know, before you guys showed up I was in the best mood of my life. Kevin told me I’m his muse.
ZELDA (she and Hilda stand by Sabrina)
Oh, that’s great honey. Now, your Aunt Hilda would prefer a more traditional burial, which means, you’re going to need a good embalmer.
HILDA
Oh, and when the deadly tsetse fly comes to claim us (hands Sabrina a map), here’s a treasure map of where I buried our money in the back yard. It’s in gold doubloons.
ZELDA (looking at the map)
Hilda, I thought I told you to make a copy first.
HILDA
Fine. (zaps a photocopy machine in the room before them) It’ll be ready tomorrow after four.
***
Sabrina, Roxie and Morgan are walking along beside each other in the corridors at Adams'.
MORGAN
Kevin called you his muse? That is like the highest compliment that a guy can give you.
ROXIE
Call me crazy, but I'd prefer "intellectual peer".
MORGAN
I’ve never heard that one before. (Sabrina and Roxie exchange a smile) Sabrina, being someone’s muse is such an honour.
SABRINA
Yeah, you’re right. I mean, I could be the next, like..."Layla" or "Mandy"
ROXIE
Or, "Bad Bad Leroy Brown." Personally, I’d hate being someone’s muse. I’d always feel obligated to say interesting stuff.
MORGAN
Oh, I don’t think you need to worry.
Morgan grins and walks off. Roxie soon after follows with a deathly glare. Kevin comes over to Sabrina.
KEVIN
Hey, Sabrina.
SABRINA
Hey. (she and Kevin share a kiss)
KEVIN
So, what’s going on with my muse today?
SABRINA
Oh, argh, you know, bunch of interesting stuff. Um...I woke up...I...I got out of bed.
KEVIN
Dragged a comb across your head?
SABRINA
No, but I showered and I shaved my legs. And then I tried to find some matching socks. Do you wanna' write some of this down?
***
Zelda comes in from the kitchen, calling upstairs for Hilda.
ZELDA
Hilda, come on! We’ve only got fifteen minutes to get to the estate planner and it’s raining like mad. Hilda! Hilda?
Zelda turns away upstairs, and Hilda creeps out from the closet she has been hiding out in. As she goes for the door, she grabs up an umbrella but it makes a noise and attracts Zelda's attention.
ZELDA
Where do you think you’re going?
Zelda comes back down. Hilda pops open her umbrella.
HILDA
Oh. Would you believe I have a date with Gene Kelly? (pause) I didn’t think so. (Hilda goes to walk out through the front door, Zelda prevents it with a zap of her finger) Look. I’m sorry, I thought I could go through with this, but I can’t. I really can’t!
ZELDA
Hilda, get a grip. We’re only making out these wills as a precautionary measure. You can’t live your life in fear.
HILDA
It’s been working for me so far. Aren’t you afraid? Don’t you wonder what’s next? Is this the last chance we get, or is there a hereafter?
ZELDA
There’s only one way to find out.
***
Hilda and Zelda are standing on a bank before a river in a nightly glow. They are being hauled onto the boat by a man in a black coat.
CHARON
Last call for the Hereafter! (he steps onto the boat, full of older people) All aboard for the river Styx!
HILDA
OK, we saw it. Let’s go.
Hilda goes to escape, but Zelda pulls her back.
ZELDA
Hilda! This is not the Hereafter, this is just the boat ride over.
HILDA
Have fun, I’ll be in the Admirals Club throwing back some zombies.
Zelda drags her back again.
ZELDA
Come on, now, you said you wanted to know what it’s like and we’re gonna' find out. Come on.
Zelda takes Hilda down onto the boat.
HILDA (reluctant)
Okay. (to passing passengers as she sits) Hello. Hi. (laughs; to Zelda; they are now seated) Oh, we are definitely going to be the life of this party.
***
At the coffeehouse, Sabrina goes and sits beside Kevin, holding a coffee mug. Kevin is sitting with the tip of his pen on his notepad.
SABRINA
Hey, how’s it going?
KEVIN
Not so great. I’m having writers block. For some reason I just don’t feel inspired.
SABRINA (offering the mug)
Well, maybe I can inspire you with a hot vanilla latte?
KEVIN
Oh, no thanks. When I hit these dry spells caffeine just disrupts my concentration.
Sabrina hands the coffee mug to a waiter going by.
SABRINA
Oh, and as your muse, I should have known that. Um...so, oh guess what? I found my missing sock, and it’s a really interesting story. You’ll never guess where it turned up. My closet, of all places. (laughs)
They overhear two girls walking behind them.
GIRL
I find the rain is rejuvenating.
KEVIN
Wow, that is awesome.
SABRINA
Yeah, you know, matching socks are great.
KEVIN
No, no, no, what that girl just said about the rain being rejuvenating. That’s perfect for a song. (begins writing)
SABRINA
I guess, but, you know, I still like a good missing sock song myself.
KEVIN (reading out what he has written)
‘Rejuvenating rain helps ease the pain.’
SABRINA
But what really rocks are my missing socks. (she walks away to the counter and speaks to herself) I am so bombing out as a muse!
***
Sabrina walks into her house not looking her normal self. Morgan comes running to her side.
MORGAN
Sabrina, I’m so glad you’re home. I need your advice on how to be a good muse.
SABRINA
Oh, well, if you figure it out, let me know. (walks into the kitchen)
MORGAN (following Sabrina)
Josh said that I didn’t inspire any of his photographs. Not even the ones of me! So, come on. Share your secret.
SABRINA
I’d love to help you, but I can’t. I seem to have lost my touch.
MORGAN
Yeah, right. I am on to you. You just don’t wanna' give away your secret so you can be the only one in the house who inspires men. Well, let me tell you something, Missy, I have got a dress upstairs in my closet that is gonna blow you out of the water!
Morgan runs off upstairs. Salem is at the windowsill with papers before him.
SALEM
Meow! I love a good cat fight. (as Sabrina turns to him) Sabrina, let’s talk estate planning. Here’s my proposal for dividing up our aunties assets.
SABRINA
Our aunties?
SALEM
I get the car, the house, the timeshare on Neptune and you, you lucky devil, get that, one of a kind spider clock.
SABRINA
Salem, I don’t wanna' talk about this. I hope my aunts live forever and I don’t care what I get.
SALEM
I already took the liberty of assuming that. Sign here, sis.
SABRINA
You know Salem, I’ve got bigger problems than this, OK. (turns away) I’ve got to figure out how to be a good muse or Kevin’s gonna dump me for some girl who’s more naturally interesting than I am.
SALEM
I can’t help you there. The only thing I ever inspired was mandatory spaying. (pause) Why don’t you ask a real muse?
SABRINA
Why didn’t I think of that? (steps out of the kitchen and incants) Muses come quickly, I need to learn the art of inspiring before my roommates return.
Sabrina zaps her finger, and before her four ladies from an ancient time appear. They simply wear togas. Sabrina takes a sigh.
***
Meanwhile, Hilda and Zelda have just docked at the Hereafter. It is now sunny.
CHARON (as he guides passengers)
Please, watch you step. Or not, it doesn’t really matter now.
HILDA (to Charon)
OK, I’m warning you. If you’re even one minute late picking us up...
CHARON
What? You’ll kill me? Too late.
He walks off, laughing. Hilda and Zelda walk down from the platform and are greeted by an elder woman.
DORA
Oh, hi darlings! Welcome to Sunshine Lakes. (handing them a clipboard) Now, be sure to sign in and take a ticket. This year we’re raffling off stretch pants and a whole years supply of Peds.
ZELDA
I’m Zelda, and this is my sister Hilda.
DORA
Oh, yeah, you’re here on the day pass.
HILDA
Could you please not use the word "pass"?
ZELDA
Sorry. My sister gets a little uptight when it come to the subject of...
DORA (cutting Zelda short)
Death?
HILDA
I’m out of here!
Hilda goes to turn away, but Zelda brings her back.
DORA
Well, yes, of course she’s uptight. When you’re on the other side people see death as an ending, but here, on Sunshine Lakes, it’s a whole new beginning. You’re gonna love it. (hands them a brochure and sits down at the table) Every night we have a picture show at the Jackie Gleason auditorium. A little tip, bring a cushion for your tushy.
HILDA (looking at the brochure)
Oh, look! They’re showing the directors cut of Rooster Cogburn. I love the Duke.
DORA
Oh, good, 'cause you’re sitting next to him at lunch. (Hilda looks excited) Oh, and the food is all you can eat, twenty-four hours day and night. Oh, and no matter how much you eat, you never gain weight.
HILDA
Hello heaven.
ZELDA
And I’m sure you have fabulous classical music concerts.
DORA
No, but you’re gonna' adore the Mini Pearl clubhouse where we have everything from square dancing to bingo.
HILDA
I love bingo.
DORA
Who doesn’t?
ZELDA
What’s to love? There’s no strategy, you just sit there mindlessly waiting for someone to call out a number. But you must have some really intellectually stimulating lectures, what, with Descartes and Socrates on the premises?
DORA
Actually, Descartes and Socrates gave up lecturing for shuffleboard. They love just relaxing after all that serious thinking on the other side, and you should see their apartment. It’s gorgeous!
ZELDA
Doesn’t anybody use their brains around here?
DORA
What for? We’re dead?
HILDA (a broad grin on her face)
Now, this is what I call living.
***
Sabrina is sitting on the couch surrounded by the group of muses' she zapped in.
CALLIOPE
So, basically, if you want to be a good muse, like I was to Beethoven, all you have to do is focus all your energy on the artist.
EUTERPE
Sit with him, talk to him.
SABRINA
But, what if I run out of interesting things to say?
ERATO
Then you compensate for that by catering to his interests.
CLIP
Praise him, build up his ego, anticipate his every need.
SABRINA
And you really think that’ll help inspire a guy to produce his greatest work?
CALLIOPE
Ever hear of a little ditty called Beethoven’s Fifth?
A dramatic piano key sounds in the background.
***
Sabrina walks and answers the front door at her aunt's house when the doorbell rings. It is Kevin.
KEVIN
Hi.
SABRINA
Hi.
KEVIN
Wow, thanks for inviting me over.
They both walk into the lounge room.
SABRINA
Yeah, well, you said you needed a quiet place to work on your music and I figured my aunt's were gonna be gone all night, so it’s the perfect place.
KEVIN
You’re the best, do you know that? Always thinking about me.
SABRINA
Well, that’s the muse's job, right? Alright, well, you go ahead and play away, and I’m just gonna be typing up my article for the school paper.
Sabrina sits down with her laptop on the opposite couch to him.
KEVIN
OK. (pause) Oh, I’m sorry, Sabrina, could I bother you for a glass of water?
SABRINA (standing)
You know what? I’m the one that’s sorry, I mean, as your muse I should have anticipated your needs. Water coming right up or, you know, I could make you an iced tea?
KEVIN
No, don’t go to any trouble. (calling Sabrina back) But, you know, I wouldn’t turn down a half iced tea, half lemonade, with a twist of lime, with just a splash of cranberry cooler. For some reason it just helps to get the creative juices flowing (indistinct laughing)
SABRINA
And what kind of a muse would I be if I couldn’t help you do that? (walks off)
***
A little while has passed. Kevin is pacing around the room with his guitar. Sabrina is on the couch still, with her laptop.
SABRINA (as she types her article)
Therefore, it is my humble opinion that...wait a minute. Is it my humble opinion, or just my opinion? And am I being arrogant if I call myself humble?
KEVIN
Hey, Sabrina, which one of these intro’s do you like better? Listen to this. (plays a sample of one) Or: (plays another sample for her)
SABRINA
They’re both great.
KEVIN
I think I’m going to go with the second one. Yeah. (turns back away with a magazine)
SABRINA
OK. (reading her article out loud) And therefore, it is with strong feeling that...oh, what was I trying to say? Why is it such a struggle for me to write these articles? (standing) You know, I wish writing came as easy to me as music does for you. Maybe I’m not cut out to be a journalism major. Maybe I should switch. Do you think I should switch?
KEVIN (still looking at his magazine)
Hmm?
SABRINA
Do you think I should switch my major?
KEVIN
Aargh, I don’t know. Is there anything you like more than the major you already have now?
SABRINA
Well, I do like journalism.
KEVIN (clearly distracted)
There you go! Switch to that.
SABRINA
That is my major.
KEVIN
Oh. (closes magazine and faces her) Are you sure?
SABRINA (taking a step closer)
Yeah, I am. Kevin, who’s my favourite author?
KEVIN
Aarghh...K. D. Sallenger?
SABRINA
It’s J. D. Sallenger, and no, he’s not my favourite author. It’s Jane Austin. I talked about it for an hour on the phone last night, didn’t you listen to anything I said?
KEVIN
Yeah, of course I did. You told me how much you love my songs.
SABRINA
And anything about me you just tuned out?
KEVIN
Argh, no. How can you say that? Half the music I wrote was inspired by you.
SABRINA
That’s my point. You’re only interested in me if I’m helping you. Anything I say that’s not song material goes in one ear and out the other.
KEVIN
That’s not true!
SABRINA
You know, Kevin, I really don’t wanna' be in a one way relationship and I really don’t wanna' be anybody’s muse.
Sabrina turns for the door.
KEVIN
Sabrina, wait!
SABRINA
No, I am so out of here.
KEVIN (following her to the door)
No! Listen...I...D...D...but..
Sabrina shuts the door in his face and walks off. He looks about, just as she steps back in.
SABRINA
Wait a minute, this is my aunt's house.
KEVIN
Yeah.
She gestures at the door, and grabbing his coat, he takes the hint and leaves.
SABRINA
And I don’t wanna' hear about this in any song.
Sabrina closes the door as he leaves.
***
Hilda and Zelda are the only two remaining on the boat as it docks on the bank. Hilda steps out.
HILDA (to Charon)
I did it! I stared death right in the face and I had the time of my life! I also beat Descartes at shuffle-board and I dirty-danced with Fred Mertz.
CHARON
Whatever floats your boat. (walks off)
Zelda steps out and stands beside Hilda.
HILDA (embracing Zelda)
And now, because of you, I realize that death is nothing to be afraid of. It’s just one big bash full of casinos, canasta and kugel.
Hilda gives Zelda an excited squeeze and turns away.
***
At the coffeehouse, Josh walks past Morgan, who is sitting at a table by herself.
MORGAN
Josh, I’ve been waiting here all morning. Hasn’t anything that I have said or done inspired you?
JOSH
Yeah, you just inspired me to make the best latte of my entire coffee career.
Josh walks off.
MORGAN (standing and gliding away)
Everybody hear that? I am not just beautiful and smart, I’m a muse! Look at me. I am a muse.
Hilda walks in, a little cheerful.
HILDA
Hello, people! What a glorious day. You can already smell spring in the air.
Roxie is standing beside Sabrina behind the couch.
ROXIE (to Sabrina)
Your aunt scares me when she’s this happy.
HILDA (approaching)
Roxie, you did a fantastic job filling in this week. (passes Roxie an envelope) Here’s a bonus, as a token of appreciation.
ROXIE (taking out the money)
On the other hand, it’s kind of appealing.
Roxie walks out with a broad smile on her face. Sabrina follows Hilda to the counter.
SABRINA
Well, you’re sure in a good mood today.
HILDA
And why shouldn’t I be? I love life, I love death. Like you kids say, it’s all good.
SABRINA
Oh, we’ve been saying that all morning.
HILDA
But why am I talking to you about death? You’re young, alive and in love.
SABRINA
Well, you got the first part right. Turns out Kevin was a little too self absorbed.
HILDA
I’m sorry, honey. Oh, by the way, when I die and you stick me in the casket, make sure I’m wearing comfortable shoes.
Hilda walks off to the back room. Kevin walks in and approaches Sabrina as she picks up the coffee pot.
KEVIN
Anybody know a place that makes a good vanilla latte?
SABRINA
Kevin?
KEVIN (following Sabrina)
Sabrina, look, I...I know you’re upset, and you probably don’t wanna' give me a second chance, but...
SABRINA
But what?
KEVIN
Well, I read your article on college arts funding. It was terrific.
SABRINA
That’s nice, but, you know, reading one article isn’t gonna fix everything.
KEVIN
Yeah, well I read all your articles. Argh, argh...sororities, animal testing, and they closed the library before I could finish the one on the gas leaf-blowers.
SABRINA
Oh, I had the flu when I wrote that one.
KEVIN
What I’m trying to say is, if you change your major, journalism will be losing one heck of a writer.
SABRINA (going to the counter)
You’re not just saying that because you wanna' get back together?
Kevin follows after Sabrina.
KEVIN
Look, I know I really blew this relationship, and...and if you don’t wanna' give me a second chance, I totally understand. It’s just...well, you really mean a lot to me, and, well...
Kevin hands Sabrina an old book from his pocket.
SABRINA
Wow, Pride and Prejudice? You bought this for me?
KEVIN (joking)
No, I swiped it from the library. (laughs) I’m kidding.
SABRINA
Thanks. It means a lot to me that you remembered.
KEVIN
Listen, do you wanna' go someplace after your shift is over?
SABRINA
I’d like that.
Hilda has been listening in on the whole conversation. She steps forward.
HILDA
I bet you’d like it even better if you left now.
SABRINA
Well, wouldn't you be short handed?
HILDA
I’ll live...and if not, the alternative's not bad either.
SABRINA
Are you sure?
HILDA
Absolutely. Seize the day, Sabrina, life’s short. If you're lucky.
Smiling, Sabrina and Kevin walk out.
***
Salem is digging around in the backyard that night, at Hilda and Zelda's house. Hilda and Zelda themselves come out through the back door, and Zelda gestures with her finger for Hilda to remain silent.
SALEM
Oh, I can’t believe those dumb broads just left a treasure map lying around the kitchen. (laughs) I expect it from Hilda, but a quantum physicist? There’s over five-hundred thousand dollars of gold buried in this turf! (as he feels something)
Oh, lord have mercy, I’ve hit the mother lode! Thanks to the hags I’ll be able to blow this pop-stand one filthy rich cat. (he opens the box and is sprayed by booby-trap smoke, he whimpers)
ZELDA (to Hilda)
Well, he was right about the filthy part.
***
END CREDITS
***
Based on characters appearing in ARCHIE COMICS
Episode originally written by Suzanne Gangursky
