Sabrina is in the coffeehouse, cleaning up a mess left by some customers, as Josh walks down with his camera.
JOSH
Oh, hold it right there.
As Sabrina turns around with some mugs, he takes a black and white snap of her.
JOSH
Beautiful.
SABRINA
Easy for you to say, you can't see what's floating in the bottom of this. (holds out the mug)
JOSH
I think I'll call that one, "Girl With Cup".
Sabrina strikes a few more poses with the mug as Hilda comes over and hands the coffee pot to Sabrina.
HILDA
I've got a better picture for you: "Girl Doing Job".
Sabrina takes the coffee pot, Josh following her as she goes to tables and fills people's mugs up.
JOSH
You know what? I could shoot a whole series on this. A day in the life of a minimum-wage slave.
SABRINA
I'm flattered, yet oddly put off. You must be pretty jazzed about this whole photography thing.
JOSH
I'm loving it. After three years of just bouncing around and shelling out tuition, I've finally found the secret to enjoying a major.
SABRINA
Not changing it every two weeks? (walks to another table and Josh follows)
JOSH
No, picking something you're totally excited about. I mean, this is the first class where I actually enjoy doing the assignments.
SABRINA
Oh, maybe you'd enjoy doing mine.
JOSH
I'm serious. I really think I can turn this into a career.
SABRINA
That's great. That's awesome. It's amazing that you found something you can be passionate about.
Josh follows Sabrina to the counter and readies his camera.
JOSH
Yeah. For a while, I was afraid I'd be making espressos and scrubbing coffee pots the rest of my life.
HILDA (behind the register)
I'd be happy if you just did the rest of the day.
Josh snaps another black-and-white photo of Hilda.
JOSH (to Sabrina)
Yikes. Wonder what I should call that photo.
SABRINA
Oh, how about, argh...Boss's Brilliance Eclipsed Only By Her Beauty?
HILDA
Make me double prints.
As Hilda turns away, Josh and Sabrina share a look.
***
OPENING CREDITS
***
Sabrina is sitting at the table in the kitchen at her house. Miles is in the kitchen when the doorbell rings.
SABRINA (standing)
Well, can't be the Avon lady, she's gone dot-com. (to Miles) You expecting anyone?
MILES
No. But if it's G-Men, last you heard, Miles Goodman is a towel by at Club Med, Pakistan.
He runs to his room as Sabrina opens the door to reveal Josh standing out on the porch.
SABRINA
Oh, no G-Men, but we got the J-Man. What's going on, Josh?
JOSH
Oh, nothing major. Just my whole world crumbling.
SABRINA
Oh, that doesn't sound very good, come on in.
On Sabrina's indication, Josh enters and Sabrina closes the door behind him. He takes off his jacket and puts it on a chair at the table.
JOSH
Thanks, Sabrina. It's a good thing I have someone who's sensitive, caring and always there for me.
SABRINA
Thanks.
JOSH
I meant Morgan. Could you go tell her I'm here?
SABRINA
I would, but she's in New York shopping. Apparently your sensitive, caring girlfriend forgot to tell you.
Sabrina follows Josh to the couch in the living room.
JOSH
Oh, man! Why does Morgan have to be gone on the same day I find out I have no talent?
SABRINA
Who said you have no talent?
JOSH
My professor. I showed him some of the photographs I took, and he said they were ho-hum.
SABRINA
Big deal, what does that bozo know anyway?
JOSH
That bozo spent twenty years at LIFE magazine and shot over fifty covers.
SABRINA
So? Who reads LIFE magazine? I mean, people only look at it for...
JOSH
The pictures! Obviously I don't have what it takes to be a photographer.
SABRINA
You know, I can't believe you're ready to call it quits after one off the cuff comment. He must've said something encouraging about your work.
JOSH (standing)
Yeah, sure, he said I have some potential. (walks into the kitchen with Sabrina) But he called my pictures "pedestrian".
Josh goes for the fridge. Sabrina stands by him.
SABRINA
Well, potential is good. And pedestrian isn't so bad either. I mean, whenever I cross the street, I am proud to be a pedestrian. Wo-who!
JOSH (now standing opposite Sabrina with an OJ)
Nice try, but I'm seeing a lot of lattes in my future.
SABRINA
You know, Josh, nobody's an expert when they start out at something. You think Mozart just plopped himself down in front of a piano and started playing concertos? (Josh gives her a look) OK, bad example. (goes to the opposite side of Josh) Look, the point is, it takes years to develop a craft. I mean, look at my aunts Hilda and Zelda.
JOSH
Which craft did they develop?
SABRINA
Witchcraft, who said anything about witchcraft? I happen to like your pictures.
JOSH
Well, some of the students did say nice things about Bird on Stoop.
SABRINA
Well then get out there! Shoot more birds, more stoops. (ushering Josh towards the door) This is your passion, you have to go after it.
JOSH
You really think so?
SABRINA
I know so. And you heard it from one of the world's greatest pedestrians.
***
At the empty coffeehouse, Sabrina follows Hilda out from the back room and into the main area.
SABRINA
Hey, Aunt Hilda, you know how you're always looking for new ways to bring in people to the coffeehouse?
HILDA
You mean like last week when I started that rumour that Brad Pitt had been spotted here?
SABRINA
That was a rumour? I worked extra shifts!
HILDA
Wow. There really is one born every minute.
SABRINA
Anyway, I thought of a great idea to bring in new business. Let local artists display their work here.
HILDA
I'm not exactly bouncing off the walls.
SABRINA
You get a percentage of whatever they sell.
In all irony, Hilda starts bouncing around on the walls, knocking some items off the shelf as she comes back.
SABRINA
I'll take that as a yes. And, you know, it's not just about money. The coffeehouse could become a famous watering hole for artists.
HILDA
Like the great salons of Gay Pare. I could be a patron of the arts. (turning away) An inspiration to young talent...
***
Hilda is having a fantasy. The coffeehouse, as Sabrina said, is a watering hole for artists…in France.
HILDA (to an artist)
Vincent, mon cher. "Starry, Starry Night?" Hello, redundant. Uncle Toulouse! Put down that can-can girl! And, lay off the sauce. (holding up an ear) Which one of you sissies lost an ear?
***
Back to the present.
HILDA
Great. So where do we find our first artist to sponge off?
Josh is approaching from outside.
SABRINA
What a coincidence, I think I see one now,
HILDA
Josh? He can't even draw the blinds.
SABRINA
He's a really talented photographer. (to Josh) Hey, guess what. My aunt wants you to display some of your photographs around here.
JOSH (now in between the two of them)
Are you serious?
HILDA
Absolutely. My raison d'etre is to encourage creativity, enlightenment, vision. (now stern) Cash only, all sales are final.
***
Later on, the coffeehouse is full of customers. Josh is standing by a woman admiring a photograph of his on display.
WOMAN #1
Very powerful imagery.
JOSH
Thank you.
WOMAN #1
I love the way the oak tree's beauty is juxtaposed against the hideousness of acid rain.
JOSH
Oh, that's an ice mocha someone splashed on it.
Josh wipes the photograph clean as the woman walks away. Sabrina approaches his side.
SABRINA
I love it. The perfect melding of art and menial labour.
JOSH
Oh, Sabrina, nobody's liking my stuff. I think this whole idea was a bust.
SABRINA
Oh, that's not true, it's going great. I mean, look, that woman is totally checking out your work.
Sabrina turns him in the direction of another photograph hanging on the wall, a woman looking into its reflection.
JOSH
She's checking for spinach in her teeth.
Josh walks over to the woman. Hilda approaches Sabrina and turns her around by the elbow, clearing her throat in point.
HILDA
Remind me again, what is ten percent of nothing?
SABRINA
Aunt Hilda, you gotta' have a little patience. I mean, you know the saying, "Moulin Rouge wasn't built in a day".
HILDA
That was Rome. And if they had listened to me, instead of that doofus Caesar, it would've been done by noon.
Hilda walks off, and Josh comes back over to Sabrina.
JOSH
Look, Sabrina, I know you meant well, but...the public has spoken. My photos stink. (starts to go away)
SABRINA
Wait, Josh, wait...
Sabrina zaps her finger at the lounge, and with a ping, a man jumps up from his seat and approaches over to a photograph by the counter.
MAN #1
Brilliant.
SABRINA
Look over there.
MAN #1 (to Hilda)
Excuse me, who do I talk to about buying this?
HILDA
Me.
JOSH (to Sabrina)
Did you hear that? Someone wants to buy my photo.
SABRINA
No kidding. That's great.
Sabrina zaps her finger again, and a man and woman go and approach the picture that Man #1 and Hilda are at trying to settle on a sale.
MAN #2
Exquisite, isn't it? We'd like purchase this piece.
HILDA
Sorry. This gentleman already asked about it.
MAN #2
I'll give you eight-hundred dollars for it.
HILDA
However, no deal is final til the cheque clears.
JOSH (to Sabrina)
Eight-hundred dollars? Did you hear that?
MAN #1
I'm willing to pay one thousand.
JOSH (approaching)
A thousand dollars for that?
HILDA (taking the money)
He'll take it.
SABRINA (to Man #1)
Congratulations, you are now the proud owner of Cat Without Shame.
MAN #1
Yeah, my wife's gonna' love it. (takes the painting and heads off)
HILDA (to Sabrina under her breath)
Apparently he's married to wife without taste.
SABRINA (high fives Josh)
Wo-who! You sold your first photograph.
JOSH
Yeah, for a thousand bucks. (takes the cash from Hilda)
HILDA
Argh, not so fast, Ansel Adams. (takes a note from him) One of those C-notes is mine.
***
Zelda is in the kitchen doing some dishes, Salem is on the bench.
ZELDA
Someone actually paid money for a picture of you?
SALEM
That's right, toots. A thousand smackeroos for Saberhagen in the buff.
ZELDA
You're sure it wasn't pesos, or lire?
SALEM
Face it, I'm a natural born star. Zellie, I'm ready for my close up.
ZELDA (putting a dish on the table)
Trust me, you have no future in show business.
SALEM
I've already got one paw in the door. Read this.
Zelda approaches him and takes a newspaper from the bench, starting to read it.
ZELDA
Hmm…open auditions for Little Wussies cat-food commercial?
SALEM
I faxed my headshot this morning, the one with the come-hither look.
ZELDA (sitting on a stool)
Just how do you plan to get to this audition?
SALEM (purrs and rests his head on Zelda)
Love you...
ZELDA
I assure you, that is not helping your case.
SALEM
Please, Zelda, let me follow my dream.
ZELDA
I'm a college professor, I don't have time to be your chauffeur.
SALEM
How about my co-star? They want real pets and real owners in the commercial.
ZELDA
Oh, Salem, I'm not an actress.
SALEM
Are you interested in what is, or what could be? Just look at that face.
Zelda picks up a pot and looks at her reflection.
ZELDA
Well, it is uncommonly symmetrical.
SALEM
You wanna' hide those perfect cheekbones behind a physics book, or share them with those who weren't as blessed?
ZELDA (putting down the pot)
Well, I wouldn't want to be selfish.
SALEM
That's my girl.
***
At the coffeehouse, Josh walks over to one of his photographs on display by the door and smirks.
JOSH
Oh, I'm good. I'm real good.
Sabrina walks over.
SABRINA
Josh, didn't my aunt tell you to clean up the back?
JOSH
Aargh, yeah, I'll get to it. (walking down from the elevated floor) Hey, I'm thinking of shooting a whole series on asphalt driveways. Wouldn't that be a huge seller?
SABRINA (as Josh admires another of his photographs)
Me, I'm more a cement kind of gal. But let's face it, you know, selling art is a hit-or-miss kind of thing. Some artists go years between sales.
JOSH
Oh, maybe you didn't hear me. I said asphalt.
Hilda walks over with a broom.
HILDA
Josh, I don't mean to be, um...oh, what is it called? Your boss...but would you mind reacquainting yourself with a broom?
JOSH
Hilda, relax. I'm the guy that's turning your coffeehouse into one of the world's great salons.
SABRINA
And everybody loves a clean salon. (hands out the broom for him)
***
Zelda and Salem are in the waiting room for the audition. Salem is on the table, and Zelda is on a seat. Beside them are their competition, Mrs Scott, nursing a white cat with a silver necklace.
ZELDA
That's a beautiful cat.
MRS SCOTT
Oh, thanks. We just had Mandy's highlights done.
ZELDA
Your cat gets highlights?
MRS SCOTT
Oh, they're worth every penny. Mandy's been raking in the magazine work since we gave her the silver weave. You know, you might wanna' do something with your little alley cat. His coat does look a bit dull.
Salem coos at them evilly. The casting director sticks her head out the door.
CASTING DIRECTOR
Miss Spellman, we're ready for you and Salem.
ZELDA (standing)
Come on Salem, urgh...I mean, here kitty, kitty. Here kitty, kitty.
As Salem follows Zelda in, Mrs Scott lifts up her cat.
MRS SCOTT
Mandy, what happened to your diamond collar?
Salem has stolen it. He follows in after Zelda. The casting director holds the door open for them, the Director at a desk at the front.
CASTING DIRECTOR
This is Zelda Spellman and Salem.
As the casting director closes the door, Zelda stands before the director and Salem jumps up onto the elevated seat.
DIRECTOR
Simply beautiful. Cat's a little scruffy, though.
Salem's lip drops.
CASTING DIRECTOR (passing a script and prop to Zelda)
Now, Zelda, you'll say your line, and you put down the bowl of Little Wussies, and Salem will come running to eat it.
ZELDA
Got it.
DIRECTOR
Ready, and, action.
On the director's signal the cameraman turns on the camera.
ZELDA (reading the script)
Fluffy is such a picky eater. I've tried forty kinds of cat food, and he turned up his nose at all of them. I sure hope he likes Little Wussies. (puts down the glass next to Salem)
DIRECTOR
Excellent. We'll see you at call backs on Friday.
ZELDA (whispering to Salem)
Did you hear that, Salem? We made the final cut.
DIRECTOR
But, you'll need to work with the cat. He's way over the top.
ZELDA
Well, I'm sure he'll get it right next time. (picks up Salem) After all, he is a natural born star. (under her breath to Salem as they walk out) And a diamond thief!
***
Sabrina is working at the coffeehouse, as she is called over by another man admiring one of Josh's photographs.
MAN #3
Excuse me miss, how much is this photo?
SABRINA
You mean, you wanna' buy it, like, of your own free will?
MAN #3
It is for sale, isn't it?
SABRINA
You bet it is. Let's go talk to the artist. (places down her tray and approaches Josh with the customer) Hey, Josh, great news. This customer's interested in Dog on Credenza with Cat.
MAN #3
I work for a vet, and it'd be perfect in the office. I'll give you fifty dollars for it.
JOSH(laughs)
Fifty dollars? Buddy, that won't even cover the sales tax.
Josh walks off, still smirking, Sabrina and the customer following after him.
SABRINA
Josh, that's more than you make in a day's tip, and more important, he appreciates your work.
JOSH
Sabrina, my photograph of your cat sold for one thousand dollars. This shot has a cat and a dog, so it's worth at least two thousand.
MAN #3
That's too rich for my blood.
Man #3 walks off, and Hilda steps between Sabrina and Josh.
HILDA
You know, they say an artist's body of work actually quadruples after he's dead.
JOSH (prompting)
Your point being?
HILDA
If you're not behind that counter in thirty seconds, you're gonna' be one rich stiff.
JOSH
Hey, don't talk to me like that. You're a hundred dollars richer because of me.
HILDA (sarcastic)
A hundred dollars? I'm going to Prada.
SABRINA
OK, I all think we need to take a deep breath, calm down, and remember why we're here: to get America hopped up on caffeine.
HILDA
Thank you. Maybe you'll listen to her.
Hilda walks away to the counter. Josh follows her on the opposite side.
JOSH
Oh, OK, I think I see what's going on here. And, Hilda, I'm sorry.
HILDA
Thank you. What are you sorry for?
JOSH
I feel bad that I have the talent to develop this exciting new career, and you're gonna' be stuck grinding beans the rest of your life.
SABRINA (tapping him on the shoulder)
Josh!
HILDA
Actually, grinding beans is the employee's job, which, at this point, is hanging by a thread.
JOSH
Is that a threat?
HILDA
Oh! Talented and smart.
JOSH
OK, you can save the witty repartee.
SABRINA (to Hilda)
Oh, did you hear that? He called you witty.
JOSH
I quit.
Josh takes off his apron and walks out.
SABRINA
Josh, wait. (Josh is gone) Look, Aunt Hilda, it's not his fault.
HILDA
Of course it's his fault. Who else inflated his ego? Thought he was God's gift of photography. Made him think he was too good to do his job.
SABRINA (looking guilty)
Can I get back to you on that?
***
Sabrina follows Hilda behind the counter at the coffeehouse.
HILDA
It is still inconceivable to me to think that someone paid Josh a thousand bucks for a picture of Salem.
SABRINA
Would it be more conceivable if that someone were under a spell?
HILDA
You didn't.
SABRINA
Well, Josh just seemed so depressed when he wasn't selling any pictures, so I thought I'd give him a little confidence booster.
HILDA
You boosted his confidence, all right. It's amazing his body can still support that beach ball of a head.
SABRINA
Hey, do you know any spells that can help deflate a guy's ego?
HILDA
Only Mother Nature's remedy: male-pattern baldness.
SABRINA
Great. Now what am I gonna' do?
HILDA
Oh, you won't have to do anything. The real world will pummel that poor kid down to size. Before you know it, he'll come crawling through those doors. (holding her hands against the wall) I'll save a space for that picture right here. I'll call it, Employee Comes Back with Tail Between Legs, Begging for Job, While Boss Tries to Find Shorter Name for Picture. Titles are tough.
***
Miles is pacing around at the table with an alien-gizmo remote when Sabrina walks in through the front door.
SABRINA
Hey, Miles, did anyone call?
MILES
Yes. An unidentified alien source made contact on my gamma scanner.
SABRINA
I meant for me.
MILES
Oh, Josh called.
Sabrina follows Miles around with his remote.
SABRINA
Oh, great, did he happen to say what a big mistake it was for him to just up and quit the coffeehouse?
MILES
Close. He said he's never stepping foot in that java jail again.
SABRINA
Great.
MILES
And, argh...oh yeah. He took the money he made and rented gallery space to have a showing of his work on Friday.
SABRINA
He sells one photograph and he's gonna' give himself a gallery exhibition? Who's gonna' show up?
MILES
I'll go. I think his stuff is pretty good.
SABRINA
You do?
MILES
Yeah, but I also like to lick the tops of nine vault batteries.
SABRINA (sitting on the couch next to Miles)
Well, if you think he's good, and I think he's good, there's no reason we can't get other people to come see his work. We just have to get out there and spread the word. Tell all your friends.
MILES
You already know, and Roxie's out of town at her family reunion. That was easy.
SABRINA
Miles, I'm desperate. Get anybody...your shrink, the head of your dungeons and dragons club. Wait. Your shrink is the head of your dungeon and dragons club.
***
Zelda is in the living room, with her script trying to rehearse with Salem, who is sitting on the top of the couch.
SALEM
I could've been someone. I could've had class. I could've been a contender.
ZELDA
Salem, what are you doing? You're the cat. The cat doesn't have lines.
SALEM
I know. I'm getting into character. I'm a method actor.
ZELDA
What you are is a bad actor.
SALEM
Oh, yeah? Have you ever tasted Little Wussies? I'm acting my tail off. If only I had someone decent feeding me lines.
ZELDA (pacing to the other side)
May I remind you that I'm the one the director complimented?
SALEM
May I remind you that your skirt was hiked up to your nostrils?
ZELDA
If that's how my genoristy's going to be rewarded, you can just find yourself another quantum physicist to help you push kibble. (walks off in a huff)
SALEM (calling after Zelda)
Zelda, don't go. This is my process. I'm a temperamental actor. I have pictures of you with the Brothers Grimm.
ZELDA (walking back in)
All right, let's take it from the top.
***
At Josh's gallery exhibition. Sabrina approaches a man by the snack table.
SABRINA
Hey, thanks for coming.
MAN #4
Hey, free cheese and crackers and I'm there.
Miles comes over as Josh walks to Sabrina's side.
JOSH
Oh, hey, guys.
SABRINA
Oh, hey, Josh, great turnout. Guess you got your money's worth out of that pennysaver ad.
JOSH
Oh, it wasn't just the ad. Obviously, the guy who bought Cat Without Shame was so blown away by my work, that he spread the word to his friends in the art community.
SABRINA
Uh-huh, works for me.
A woman walks over and stands by Miles.
WOMAN #1 (to Josh)
Excuse me, are you the photographer?
MILES
Well, I've taken a few photos. But, my subjects can't be seen with the naked eye.
SABRINA (bringing Josh over)
I think this is the gentleman you wanna' speak to right here. It's his show.
WOMAN #1
Great. Maybe you can help settle us a debate.
JOSH
I'd love to.
WOMAN #1
Is this long horn cheddar or Vermont?
SABRINA
Oh, I'll look into that. Um, Josh, why don't you go introduce yourself to that person over there admiring that picture?
Josh walks over to "G-Men", who is admiring a photograph on the wall.
JOSH
Well, I see I'm not the only one who likes to stop and smell the roses. Pretty cool, huh?
G-MEN
Beyond cool. You can totally feel the vibe of the extraterrestrial hiding in this unopened bud.
JOSH
Friend of Miles?
G-MEN
As far as I know, he's still in Pakistan. (walks away)
Sabrina walks over with another man at her side.
SABRINA
Um, Josh, this is Ethan from Photo Op magazine. He says they're always looking for interesting new artists to publish.
JOSH
Well, I'm new and interesting. I think the real question is whether your magazine is hip and cutting edge enough for me.
SABRINA
Argh...all that talent and a sense of humor.
ETHAN
My pieces concentrate on the intent behind an artists' work. (walking over to a photograph) Was Bird on Stoop a visual metaphor for man's isolation in a soulless, technology-driven world?
JOSH
Actually, I was just waiting for the bus, and I wanted to get a picture of the bird before he flew away.
ETHAN
And?
JOSH
And, there's the picture.
ETHAN
So there was no aesthetic vision behind the piece?
JOSH
I just liked the bird.
ETHAN
Photography is more than just pointing a camera at whatever crosses your path. A good photographer should be trying to convey an emotion...or...a point of view through his picture.
JOSH
As opposed to me, who's just a ho-hum pedestrian.
ETHAN
Excuse me?
SABRINA (taking the cheese platter from a passing waiter)
Urgh...cheese? We've been having an interesting debate. Is this long horn cheddar or Vermont?
ETHAN
I think that more thought went into the cheese platters than the photographs hanging on the wall.
SABRINA (calling after Ethan as he walks off)
That's not true! This came ready made from Costco.
***
Salem is sitting opposite Zelda in the waiting room at the casting audition.
SALEM
Well, you blew it! Not only did you race through your lines, but on the day of our callback, you dressed like Bea Arthur!
ZELDA
It's a look. Would you quick panicking? I'm sure we did fine. Why else would they have asked us to stay?
Mrs Scott comes out with her cat from the casting room.
ZELDA
Hello...isn't that skirt a little draughty for January?
MRS SCOTT
The director seemed to warm right up to it.
The casting director steps out.
CASTING DIRECTOR
Congratulations, Miss Spellman, you got the part.
ZELDA (stepping up)
Really? Oh, that's fantastic. (to Mrs Scott) Hope you saved the receipt for that skirt.
MRS SCOTT
Oh, obviously they decided to go for the frumpy housewife look. You'll be perfect.
CASTING DIRECTOR
I've got some good news for you too, Mrs Scott. The role of the cat goes to Mandy.
SALEM
Wha...
But before Salem can finish, Zelda promptly holds a hand over his mouth.
***
After the gallery exhibition, while the waiters are cleaning up, Sabrina goes and joins Josh on a small couch in the corner. He has his camera out.
SABRINA
It's a good thing the party broke up, we're all out of crackers and cheese.
JOSH
Sabrina, that's why the party broke up. It's the only reason those people came. Let's face it, I'm never gonna' sell another photograph. I'm a one-trip pony.
SABRINA
Maybe you're right, maybe you're not cut out for this.
JOSH
Is that what you really think?
SABRINA
Of course not. But it doesn't matter what I think. (walks over to a photograph) Do you like this picture?
JOSH (walking over)
Well, yeah, I do. But other people don't seem to...
SABRINA (cutting him off)
Oh, forget about other people. This isn't about other people. This is about you believing in yourself. And, if you measure your talent based on other people's approval, you self-esteems' gonna' go up and down faster than a jackrabbit on a pogo stick.
JOSH
Why are you suddenly talking like Jed Clampett?
SABRINA
I'm trying to make a point. You told me you love photography.
JOSH (crossing to the snack table)
Yeah, I do...
SABRINA
Well, then you gotta' stick with it. Persistence is everything. You're never gonna' get better unless you fail every now and then.
Hilda walks in.
HILDA
Someone forgot to invite me to their gallery show. So when does the party start?
JOSH
It's over. And you'll be happy to know I didn't sell a thing.
HILDA
Josh, I didn't come here because I wanted to see you fail. I mean, sure, you neglected your responsibilities at work, and treated me like dirt, but I wasn't gonna' miss your first exhibition. (looking around) Now, where's that free cheese?
JOSH
Hilda, look, I owe you a big apology. My behaviour at the coffee shop was totally out of line.
HILDA
It's OK. Sometimes people get carried away and...(crossing to Sabrina)...and do things without thinking about the repercussions. Isn't that right, Sabrina?
SABRINA
Absolutely.
HILDA (to Josh)
Look, I don't know what kind of photographer you are, but, when you pay attention you're a heck of a manager. So, what do you say?
JOSH
I'd love to.
HILDA
Great. All right. Well, I'm gonna' look around for a while, and urgh...if you find any of that cheese, give me a holler. (walks off)
Sabrina points over at Man #3, entering the gallery and looking around.
SABRINA
Hey, look, it's that guy that wanted to buy the picture at the coffeehouse.
JOSH (approaching Man #3)
Hey, I know you. You're the guy who couldn't afford Dog on Credenza with Cat.
MAN #3 (pacing)
Yes. Just because I can't afford your work, doesn't mean I can't enjoy it.
JOSH
Who says you can't afford it?
MAN #3
You did.
JOSH
That was before. (hands a photograph to Man #3) Here you go. It's yours. On the house.
MAN #3
I couldn't just take it for free.
JOSH
Well, sure you can. Between you and me, I've still got a little work to do on my aesthetic vision.
MAN #3
At least let me give you the fifty I offered you before. (handing Josh some cash) Then I wouldn't feel so guilty about the names I called you after I was laughed out of the coffeehouse.
Man #3 walks off with his photograph. Josh turns back to Sabrina.
SABRINA
Wow, so you got your job and sold a picture. Must be your lucky day.
JOSH
Yes, it is. Thanks, Sabrina. If it weren't for you, I never would've had the courage to try this.
SABRINA
Well, it's the least I could do. Trust me on that.
JOSH
What do you say, we take this fifty bucks, get crazy and blow it on a brick of Velveeta?
SABRINA
Keep your money. I saved us a little private stash.
Sabrina sneaks over to the drawer on the table and zaps a plate of the delights, going back to Josh.
SABRINA
Monsieur.
JOSH
Why, thank you, mademoiselle.
SABRINA (taking Josh's camera)
Oh. Say cheese!
As Sabrina holds up the camera, Hilda comes racing into the shot.
HILDA
Did I hear cheese?
Sabrina snaps a photo of the three of them.
***
Zelda is asleep on the couch, Salem is on the top. She wakes up when the music of her commercial starts.
ZELDA (calling)
Oh, Hilda, the commercial's coming on. Hurry!
HILDA (running to the couch)
Oh, I can't believe you're gonna' be on television.
SALEM
I can't believe they hired that no-talent, silver-tipped fur ball over me.
ZELDA
That's show biz. You tried, you lost, get over it. (Salem gawks) Ssshh! Here comes by big entrance.
ONSCREEN ZELDA (V/O)
I've tried forty different kinds of cat foods, and Fluffy has turned her nose up at all of them. I sure hope she likes Little Wussies.
ZELDA
There's my legs. My arms, my arms!
HILDA
Where's your head?
ONSCREEN ZELDA (V/O)
Little Wussies, you're a lifesaver.
ZELDA
That's it? Three and a half hours in hair and makeup and they don't even show my face?
SALEM
That's show biz, babe. You tried, you lost. Get over it.
ZELDA (signifying the modern expression to Salem)
Tsss…
***
END CREDITS
***
Based on characters appearing in ARCHIE COMICS
Episode originally written by Suzanne Gangursky
