Hilda is at the door at the coffeehouse, trying to get rid of her final two customers for the night. Sabrina is wiping down some tables.
HILDA
Well, thanks for coming, and tell you’re friends they’re welcome to come and discus their husbands, their boyfriends and their husband's boyfriends.
SABRINA
What is it about coffee that makes people want to spill their guts?
HILDA
I don’t know, but those guts are gonna buy me an outside cabin on a Caribbean cruise.
SABRINA
OK, this little beverage adventure of yours does seem to be paying off.
HILDA
Yes, it does. This month I might actually turn my first profit.
SABRINA
Wa-who! I mean, ka-ching!
HILDA
I just wish I didn’t have to wait until the end of the month to see if I made a profit. Wait a minute, I don’t. I’ll just call in my profit prophet, Harvey.
She zaps in front of them a person dressed in a bunny costume.
SABRINA
Your profit prophet is a big bunny?
HILDA
Oops, wrong Harvey. (she zaps the bunny away, and Harvey, Sabrina's ex-boyfriend, appears) Really wrong Harvey.
SABRINA
Hi, Harvey. How you doing? (approaching) You know, I’ve been thinking about you a lot recently and...
HILDA
No time for chit-chat! (she zaps Harvey away and an old, bearded man appears) Finally! Sabrina, meet Harvey, the profit prophet.
SABRINA
Hi, nice staff.
HARVEY
Yes, the lady's seem to like it.
HILDA
So, Harvey, is Hilda’s gonna be showered with shekels by the thirtieth?
HARVEY
Let’s have a look see. (closes his eyes and puts his hands against his temples) Nothing is coming. (holds out his palm)
HILDA
You mean, nothing’s coming for free. (slaps some money on Harvey's palm)
SABRINA
Oh, so I guess he’s not a non-profit prophet.
HILDA
So, what’s the deal? Am I gonna' make money or not?
HARVEY
Not if you keep piddling it away like this. (laughs)
Hilda zaps Harvey away again.
HILDA
Next time, I go with Isaiah
***
OPENING CREDITS
***
Roxie comes out of a class with a college jock, Ryan. They start walking together.
ROXIE
I can’t believe this. I’ve already got a ton of homework, how am I supposed to write a five page essay on Hamlet’s speech as a window to his madness? What about the window to my madness?
RYAN
I’m swamped too. I have to write a paper on Picasso, then study for my exams on organic chemistry and comparative religions.
ROXIE
How do you do all this and fit in baseball practice every night?
RYAN
I’ve learned to multi-task. I’m on my way to the batting cages and I’m bringing my audio version of the Koran. See you. (turns away)
ROXIE
Later.
Sabrina joins Roxie.
SABRINA
Hey, how’s it going?
ROXIE
About as well as a nervous breakdown 101 can go.
SABRINA (examining Roxie's hand)
Well you haven’t bitten your nails down to the cuticle yet, that’s a good sign.
ROXIE
Like I didn’t have enough studying already, now I’ve gotta write an essay on Hamlet. This school is killing me. They expect me to go to class all day, study all night and get straight A's.
SABRINA
You don’t need straight A's.
ROXIE
After last semester's grades I do, or else I’ll lose my scholarship.
SABRINA
Wow, that’s rough. I don’t even have a scholarship hanging over my head and I’m already stressed out enough. My statistics class is killing me. Here comes my professor, he’s a complete tyrant.
Sabrina's teacher, Professor Dillard, stops on his way past Sabrina.
PROFESSOR DILLARD
Congratulations Sabrina, you aced another data analysis test. You’ve got a true gift for numbers. (turns away)
Sabrina smirks, but then scowls when Roxie looks back at her.
SABRINA
Do you see what I mean? What a jerk.
***
Zelda and Hilda are sat together on a couch in their living room. Salem is on the opposite couch. Hilda is showing off her tax books to Zelda.
HILDA
Here’s my estimated monthly sales gross, and here’s my projected annual gross. With a pudding stain on it, gross.
ZELDA
Hilda, if you want to turn a profit you’re gonna have to cut costs.
SALEM (on the phone)
Or, if you really wanna' make some serious mullah, talk to my investment counsellor, Sid.
SID (V/O from phone)
Hello?
SALEM (talking into phone)
Yeah, Sid. Hey, put me down for a hundred on Run Like Hell in the fifth.
***
Sabrina and Roxie are both sat beside each other at the table, studying. Miles is in the kitchen looking through the fridge, and Josh is pacing around by the stairs.
JOSH (shouting)
Hey, Morgan! You almost ready?
MORGAN (V/O from upstairs)
One more minute! I’m layering my scent.
MILES (to Josh)
I don’t wanna' know what that means.
ROXIE (to Sabrina)
OK, how does this sound? Hamlet, the young Danish prince, is possibly one of Shakespeare’s most...most...most...
SABRINA (joking)
Most... repetitive characters?
ROXIE
OK, so now you’re making fun of me. Like I’m not under enough pressure. If I read this play one more time my brains gonna'explode!
SABRINA
Well, now you’ve officially graduated to madness one-oh-two.
The doorbell rings, and Roxie opens the door to find Ryan.
ROXIE
Ryan. Come on in.
RYAN (stepping in)
Thanks.
ROXIE
Let me guess, you’re here because you’re having as much trouble with this Hamlet paper as I am?
RYAN
Argh no, Morgan’s fixing me up with a friend of hers. We’re doubling with her and Josh.
JOSH (approaching)
Oh, hey Ryan.
RYAN (shaking hands with Josh)
Hey, how’s it going?
JOSH
Great.
ROXIE
How do you have time to go out on a date? Don’t tell me you already finished your paper.
RYAN
No, I’ll do it after the date. You know what they say, all work and no play...
MILES (cutting Ryan short)
Leads to the eventual destruction of the cerebral cortex...maybe it’s just my family.
Morgan comes and joins them.
MORGAN
I’m ready.
JOSH
Morgan, we’re just going to Denny’s for a burger.
Morgan gives him a quick kiss on the cheek.
MORGAN
You never know who you might run into.
SABRINA
Yeah, there might be a fry cook there who can put you on the cover of Mademoiselle.
MORGAN (forced laughter)
Come on, guys. (to Sabrina, Roxie and Miles) See you later.
RYAN
See you.
Morgan, Josh and Roxie exit.
ROXIE
What’s up with that?
SABRINA
Yeah, I didn’t smell any layers in her scent.
ROXIE
Not her, Ryan.
SABRINA
Oh, now he smelled good.
ROXIE
I mean, he knocks off his paper in his spare time and mine’s gonna' take me all night. I must be really stupid.
SABRINA
Well, first of all, you don’t know what Ryan’s work looks like when he turns it in. Second of all, you know, college is stressful enough, don’t add to it by trying to compare yourself to everybody else.
ROXIE
I hate to break it to you, but that’s what the whole grading system's about.
SABRINA
Oh, well in that case, what are you talking to me for? You’ve got a paper to write, missy.
Sabrina walks off.
***
Sabrina is walking her way through the hallway at Adam's, and comes across Morgan.
SABRINA
Hey, Morgan, by the look of last nights eye shadow on your chin I’m guessing the evening went well.
MORGAN
Oh, it was fantastic. We all ended up at this party until four in the morning.
SABRINA
Really? That’s about the same time that Roxie got done with her Hamlet paper.
MORGAN
Wow. You know if I liked her more, I’d sort of feel bad for her.
SABRINA
You know, Roxie works her tail off for her GPA, how is Ryan able to go out and party all night and still get good grades?
MORGAN
Hello, star pitcher for the baseball team.
SABRINA
Hello, don’t understand what that has to do with anything.
MORGAN
Sabrina, you are so naive. The school grades athletes' way easier, plus, the coaches encourage those guys to take cake classes which are guaranteed A’s, like bowling, and life style skills, which, by the way, I aced.
SABRINA
Giving any student that kind of preferential treatment is totally unethical.
MORGAN (yawns as she turns away)
Yeah. Anyway, whatever. (walks off)
Zelda comes in Sabrina's direction.
SABRINA
Hey, Aunt Zelda, have you ever been told to take it easier academically on star athletes?
ZELDA
No, although I must admit, I don’t get a lot of middle line backers taking advanced quantum mechanics. Why do you ask?
SABRINA
Well, it seems to be a practice that goes on here with certain teachers.
ZELDA
That’s appalling! You know the same thing happened with the varsity jousters in high school. In alchemy, Merlin just let them pull A’s out of a hat.
SABRINA
Did you do anything about it?
ZELDA
When was the last time you saw a jouster?
***
Professor Klaveman is at his desk in an empty classroom grading some papers. Sabrina pops her head in through the door.
SABRINA
This calls for a closer inspection. Much closer.
Sabrina zaps herself away in array of sparks. At his desk, Professor Klaveman dismisses his blunt pencil and picks up a new one, Sabrina's face morphed into the rubber at the top. He picks up Roxie's paper.
SABRINA
Roxie’s paper. She’ll definitely get an A. (after Professor Klaveman marks Roxie's paper a B) Hey. She worked really hard on that! (Klaveman rubs his chin with the rubber) And that tickles!
Sabrina watches closely as Professor Klaveman grades Ryan's paper an A – which should really be an F with the effort he's put in:
SORRY I DIDN'T HAVE TIME DO THE PAPER. I HAD BASEBALL PRACTISE.
SABRINA
An A for party boy? That’s insane. I’ll fix that. (forces Klaveman into remarking the result) OK, that’s more like it.
Professor Klaveman is befuddled. More harshly, he erases the F and replaces it with his original grade.
SABRINA
Aw, hey! Watch the earrings. Hey! Hey! (he continues trying to write the A) No! No! Arghhhh!
PROFESSOR KLAVEMAN (about his pencil)
This is the last time I buy from Staples.
SABRINA
I wonder if there’s any Dramamine in that drawer? (Sabrina's pencil is thrown across the room) Gently! Argh!
***
Sabrina is sitting at a table in the coffeehouse typing away on her laptop. Josh approaches.
JOSH
Sabrina, you’ve been working on that article for hours. Can I get you anything?
SABRINA
Either a solution to unfair grading practices for athletes, or a pumpkin bagel.
JOSH
A pumpkin bagel coming up. (turns away to the counter; Hilda is behind the counter unloading donuts) Hey, where are the pumpkin bagels?
HILDA
In the pumpkin bagel patch.
JOSH
Huh?
HILDA
In the interest of lowering overhead we are no longer in the exotic carbohydrate business. From now on, all we sell are plain bagels and glazed donuts.
JOSH
Hilda, we have an eclectic, sophisticated clientele, all right. A lot of the people who come in here look forward to their cran-apple poppy seed scones.
HILDA
They may like them, but in order for me to turn a decent profit I would have to charge separately for the crans, the apples and the poppy seeds.
JOSH
Well, hey, if all you’re worried about is profit, why don’t you just start making the cappuccino’s with instant coffee?
Hilda shows Josh an example of what he just said.
HILDA
Way ahead of you. Just put in some hot steam mocha mix, sprinkle cinnamon on it, nobody will know the difference...except my accountant.
***
Zelda is in her classroom packing up. Sabrina is sitting on a table.
ZELDA
This article of yours is causing quite a stir on campus.
SABRINA
Oh,well is that not the purpose of good journalism? To shine a light on important issues and make people think?
ZELDA (they start walking for the door)
Exactly. And rumour has it the school is gonna crack down on preferential grading practices.
SABRINA
Oh, that’s great! I’m really happy for Roxie. Finally the playing field will be level.
ZELDA
I’m very proud of you, Sabrina. You stood up for what was right and you didn’t have to cast a pox on any jousters. (they are now out of the classroom) You deserve a pat on the back.
Zelda leaves. Morgan is over talking to Ryan and a group of jocks.
MORGAN (to Ryan)
Hey, there she is.
RYAN (approaching Sabrina)
Nice work, Spellman.
SABRINA
Oh, hey, did you like my article?
RYAN (sarcastic at first)
Loved every word. Thanks to you I’m out of the big play-off game next Saturday.
SABRINA
What?
RYAN
The coach just benched me until I finish all my assignments.
MORGAN
I hope you’re proud of yourself. You just cost Adams College the championship.
Morgan and the group of jocks walk off.
SABRINA
At least I didn’t give anyone a pox.
Roxie walks over.
ROXIE
Way to go, Sabrina. Because of your stupid article I can kiss my A in bowling goodbye.
SABRINA
What are you talking about? You’re taking bowling?
ROXIE
I needed a cake-class to keep up my GPA. Bowling was the one course where I didn’t have to work my tail off to get a good grade, but now, because of you, my teacher says we have to actually show up and learn how to bowl.
SABRINA
You’re really taking bowling?
ROXIE
Yes. And, now I have to get an A on the bowling final.
SABRINA
There’s a bowling final?
ROXIE
There is now.
SABRINA
Look, I’m sorry, I really am. I just wanted to make things fair, for you, for everybody.
ROXIE
Well, I’m not everybody. Just someone who’s gonna' fail bowling and lose her scholarship. Thanks a lot, Spellman.
Roxie walks off in a huff.
SABRINA (Roxie is gone)
I can’t believe this is happening. (pause) I can’t believe there’s a bowling final.
***
At the coffeehouse, Josh is behind the counter not exactly "loving" the new crowd. Hilda is walking around with the coffee pot.
JOSH (serving a customer)
One glazed donut and freeze dried coffee coming up.
WAYNE
Thank you kindly, son. So, how much rain do you figure we’re gonna' get?
JOSH
The same amount as when you asked me five minutes ago.
WAYNE
That’s true, those danged weathermen never get it right. How much do you think weathermen get paid?
JOSH
The same amount as when you asked me five minutes ago.
WAYNE (taking his order)
You have a nice day now.
JOSH
Oh, well that depends on the weather, doesn’t it?
WAYNE
You’re catching on.
Wayne turns away as Hilda walks over.
JOSH
Hilda, this glazed donut crowd is driving me crazy. I’m ready to beat my head against the espresso machine.
HILDA
Do it quick, 'cause I’m trading down to an instant hot cocoa dispenser. Thanks to the glazed donut crowd, I’m rolling in dough.
JOSH
Nothing against making money, but the quality of conversation in here has gone from ‘Is there a God?’ to ‘Are the bass bitin’ down at the lake?’
HILDA
I had no idea you were such an elitist. You need to embrace the down homeliness of our new customers. (walking over to Wayne) Hi Wayne, knee still acting up?
WAYNE (awakening)
Ohhh...(goes back off as Sabrina walks in)
HILDA (to an elder woman with a southern accent)
Maureen, let me know which hot dish to bring to fellowship supper. I love that new leg, Fred.
SABRINA
Hey, Hilda, since when do you talk like someone who married their first cousin?
HILDA (with southern accent)
Since it started making me a pickle barrel of cash. Yeeaahh!
JOSH (taking Sabrina away)
Check your IQ at the door. Our new customers say it’s looking like rain, over and over and over again.
SABRINA (as they go to the counter)
I’d rather hear about the rain than how I’m responsible for Adams star pitcher not playing in the game against Emerson next Saturday. Josh, do you think writing that article was a mistake?
JOSH
Absolutely not. You stuck with your convictions, you took a stand. You let everybody know that Sabrina Spellman cares about what’s right.
SABRINA (as Josh removes his apron)
Thanks, Josh. (sudden realization as Josh's shirt is visable) Wait a minute. You didn’t care about the principle, you just wanted your school to win on Saturday.
JOSH
I want justice to win, and if my school should benefit in the process, so be it. You have a nice day now.
SABRINA (as she buses some tables)
Excuse me, any chance it’s fixin’ t’ rain on Saturday?
WAYNE
Could be ‘cause my knee is acting up. Course could be from the other day when I bent down funny. Oh jeez, there it goes.
Josh bangs his head against the espresso machine.
***
Roxie and Morgan are sat at the table studying, when Sabrina walks in through the front door.
SABRINA
Hey.
MORGAN
Oh, it’s you.
SABRINA
You aren’t still mad at me about the game are you?
MORGAN
No, now I’m mad at you because you put a major crimp in my social life. Ryan was going to take Josh and me to a party but now he’s home, chained to his books.
SABRINA
Look, I know it seems unfair now but in twenty years somebody somewhere will thank me. (indistinctly) Please God I hope.
MORGAN
It certainly won't be me.
Morgan collects her books and goes upstairs.
ROXIE (standing beside Sabrina)
Me either. Thanks to you, I have to study Introduction to bowling theory for the, all important, written portion of my final exam. (Miles goes to the kitchen) Then I’ll have exactly one hour to throw a bowling ball that doesn’t land in the snack bar.
MILES (walking over)
I know how to bowl, I could give you some pointers.
SABRINA
Oh, that’s a great idea. Miles is probably an incredible bowler, I mean that is a face that screams, ‘I own my own ball’
MILES
Sixteen pounds orange marble with a monogrammed bag.
ROXIE
You can lift a sixteen pound ball with those scrawny arms?
MILES
Believe me, it took years of conditioning.
SARINA
Look, it’s a great learning opportunity. Plus, you’re desperate. Go!
ROXIE (not happy)
Fine. (on Sabrina's nudge) I mean, great.
MILES
Let me just grab a wrist guard, chamois and rosin bag. (walks off)
ROXIE (to Sabrina, sarcastic)
It only gets better.
***
At the bowling alley. Roxie rolls a ball down the gutter. Miles is standing in purple overalls behind her.
ROXIE
Argh! I’m never gonna learn this!
MILES
Sure you will. (steps up and takes his ball) It’s very simple. First, step forward on your right foot. (he demonstrates and Roxie copies) Extend the ball, going into a down swing. Then, bring the ball into a back swing slowly as the left foot gradually comes forward. Then, when you reach the top of the back swing, step forward with the right foot, go into a slide on the left foot. Then, at precisely the moment the slide ends release the ball thumb first and position your hand at approximately a forty-five degrees angle to your eyes. (rolls the ball down the lane)
ROXIE
And that’s all there is to it?
Miles gets a strike.
MILES
No, I like to do a little dance right about now. (and he does so)
***
Sabrina walks into her aunt's kitchen to find Salem on the counter.
SABRINA
Hey, Salem, have you seen aunt Zelda?
SALEM
Since when did I become her personal secretary? Hey, which horse do you like better? Shaved Turkey or Slap Me Silly?
SABRINA (turning to the fridge)
I know I’d like to slap you silly.
SALEM
And I’d like to shave a turkey. The point is, I’ve got to pick a horse and call my bookie. Oh, by the by, I’ve also got a boatload riding on the Adams, Emerson game.
SABRINA (sitting at the table with her milk carton)
Oh, I hope you didn’t bet on Adams. Thanks to my article, the star pitcher can’t play and everyone’s expecting us to lose big.
SALEM
Ghe? I’ve got to page Sid at the track and tell him I meant Emerson. God, I hope he’s still sober. (runs away as Zelda walks in from the back door)
ZELDA
Hi, honey, I’m so glad to see you.
SABRINA
I can guarantee you’re the only person in town who’s said that today.
ZELDA
You should be proud of what you did. You tried to correct an injustice and that’s truly admirable.
SABRINA
Then why is everyone looking at me like I’m the girl who told Felicity to cut her hair?
ZELDA (sitting down)
Sabrina, you don’t do a selfless thing for the glory, you do it because it’s right.
SABRINA
Well, I don’t think it’s right that Roxie lose her scholarship, or for Adams to lose the big game. There’s got to be some way to set things right.
ZELDA
Well, you could use your powers to make it rain frogs, but that’s been done to death.
SABRINA
What about cats and dogs?
ZELDA
If you think frogs are messy...
SABRINA
Acid rain? No, too much. I’ll come up with something.
***
Roxie bowls a ball down the lane and hits down one pin at the back. She turns back to Miles, who is sitting around at the score tablet in boredom.
ROXIE
Yes! I think I’m finally getting the hang of this. What’s my score now?
MILES
Twelve, in the fifth frame.
ROXIE
Is that good?
MILES
Only for a respirator.
Sabrina walks over.
SABRINA
Guys, how’s the lesson going?
ROXIE
Do you really wanna' know?
SABRINA
I don’t know. (to Miles) Do I?
Miles indistinctly shakes his head.
ROXIE
The final starts in five minutes and the only way I’m gonna pass is if I run down the alley and throw myself at the pins.
SABRINA
Do they allow that? (Roxie and Miles glare) Hey, I’ve never taken bowling.
MILES (to Roxie)
I’m telling you, you can do this. I’ve showed all the moves, you just have to relax.
ROXIE
My scholarships going right into the gutter, how am I supposed to relax?
SABRINA (speaking to herself)
I may have a way. (murmuring an incantation) Roxie’s too uptight we know, chill her out so she can bowl like a pro.
After Sabrina zaps her finger over at Roxie, Roxie picks up a bowling ball and after a suspenseful relay, she bowls it down the lane and scores her first strike. She turns back, excited.
SABRINA
Very nice. (quickly) Gotta go.
She walks off as Roxie and Miles bang together.
***
Ryan is in his dorm room, at his desk looking over his book, when there is a knock at the door. He goes and opens the door and Sabrina steps in immediately.
SABRINA
OK, let me start by saying I’m sorry. Now that’s done, let’s get down to business.
RYAN
Excuse me?
SABRINA
Well, you’ve got to finish your work and bring your grades up by Saturday and I’m here to help.
RYAN
You wanna' help? Turn around and walk back out that door.
SABRINA
OK, Ryan, look, you’re probably so overwhelmed you don’t even know where to begin and you’ve probably forgotten how to study, you’ve skated by for so long. (examining his work so far) And you’re certainly not going to get anywhere by doodling ‘I hate Sabrina.’
RYAN
All right then, what am I supposed to do?
SABRINA
First of all, never spell Sabrina with three N's. Second of all, the sooner we open these books, the sooner you’ll be on that playing field.
RYAN
I don’t think that’s gonna' happen.
SABRINA
Sit down and let’s talk Hamlet.
***
Hilda is sitting on the armrest of the couch in the centre of coffeehouse, disturbed as she talks with Wayne.
WAYNE
So, I finally break down and get myself one of them riding mowers and what happens? It rains for days. So I can’t mow my lawn. It’s the darndest thing.
HILDA (pacing)
The darndest thing? I’ll tell you what’s the darndest thing. This conversation and every conversation I’ve had in this place since you glazed donut people took over! All you talk about is the weather! Your fish! And your farm equipment! I don’t care about profits, I want my cran-apple poppy seed people back!
WAYNE
Cran-apple poppy seed? That’s crazy talk!
HILDA
Oh, yeah? Well how’s this for crazy talk? Skidadle! Shoo! Shoo! Y’all don’t come back now, you hear?
Most of the customers get up and exit almost immediately. Josh runs over.
JOSH
And take this complimentary jar of freeze dried coffee with you. (gives it to Wayne)
WAYNE
The missus will really like this.
As he leaves, Josh embraces Hilda with a big hug.
JOSH
Thanks, boss.
***
Roxie and Miles are sitting at the table eating breakfast. Morgan comes over from the kitchen with a plate.
MORGAN
Anyone want some of my tofu seaweed omelette?
MILES
Sure, I’ll try it. (dips his fork in)
MORGAN
Oh, it’s not to eat, it’s a deep cleaning facial mask.
MILES
That explains the witch hazel aftertaste.
Sabrina walks in through the front door.
SABRINA
Hi. (as she continues on) Nighty-night.
ROXIE
Hold on, it’s nine AM. Where have you been all night?
SABRINA
Ryan’s dorm-room.
ROXIE / MORGAN
What?
SABRINA
We were just studying.
MORGAN (going to the kitchen)
Yeah, all right. Like I’ve never used that one before.
SABRINA
Relax. I’m just helping him catch up with his classes. He’s about halfway through, now it’s up to him to go the distance.
ROXIE (standing)
Speaking of which...
SABRINA (interrupting)
I’m not a witch!
ROXIE
Excuse me?
SABRINA
Aargh, I’m sorry, I’m really tired. Did you say something?
ROXIE
I passed my bowling final with flying colours!
SABRINA
That’s great! Congratulations. (she and Roxie high-five)
ROXIE
Yeah, I’ll be able to keep my scholarship and you know what? It was kinda' fun learning a new skill.
MILES (at Roxie's side)
I have much to teach you. Just think of me as your personal Yoda. (Roxie gives him a look) Or we could just stick with, hey, you.
***
Sabrina walks over to Miles and Roxie, who have just walked into the hallway between classes at Adam's. She is wearing shaded sunglasses.
SABRINA
Oh, hey Roxie, hey Miles.
MILES
Why are you dressed like Ray Charles?
SABRINA
Oh, I just came to slip into my three o’clock class and slip out with my life. That is unless Ryan turned in his work on time and things are back to normal.
STUDENT (walking by Sabrina)
Spellman, I hope you trip over your lap-top and die.
SABRINA (removing her sunglasses)
Well, at least you guys appreciate me. It’s good to know I still have friends I can count on.
MILES
We’re here for you, Sabrina.
ROXIE
Through thick and thin.
Ryan is approaching with his group from down the corridor.
RYAN
Hey, Sabrina!
ROXIE
We’re out of here.
Roxie and Miles walk off, as Sabrina is approached by Ryan and his group.
RYAN
I’ve got good news, I handed in all my assignments and I get to play on Saturday.
SABRINA
Did everyone hear that? Ryan gets to play in the game on Saturday! Wa-who!
Sabrina waves her hand around and hits Ryan in the eye.
RYAN (shielding his eye)
Ow! How am I gonna pitch if I can’t see?
SABRINA
I can’t believe I lost the championship twice and it hasn’t even been played yet.
Ryan releases his hand. He is fine.
RYAN
I was just having some fun with you. (pause) But, just to be on the safe side, do you think you could stay away from the field on Saturday?
SABRINA
Yeah, anything I can do to be a good athletic supporter. (gives Ryan a playful hit) Gotta' go. (walks off)
***
Sabrina and Zelda are sat on the couch in the living room listening to the game on the radio. Salem is on the opposite couch, with an Emerson hat on.
COMMENTATOR (V/O)
Adams leads one to nothing. It’s bottom of the ninth, two outs. Emerson‘s down to their last chance. Johnson steps up to the plate.
SALEM
Go, Emerson! Knock it out of the park, Johnson!
SABRINA/ZELDA
Nobatternobatternobatter hey!
ZELDA
You know what I love about baseball? It’s all part of the game to be abusive and obnoxious.
SABRINA
Do you know what I like best? The snacks. (signalling at Salem) Hey, peanuts over here! (after receiving her snack) Thanks, Salem.
SALEM
How can you eat legumes when there’s so much riding on this?
ZELDA
Salem, it’s just a game.
SALEM
To you. To me it’s the chance to become fabulously wealthy...or live as a fugitive and have my face surgically altered.
COMMENTATOR (V/O)
Johnson hits the ball deep, deep, deep to left field!
SALEM
Yes! Yes! Yes!
COMMENTATOR (V/O)
And it’s....caught! The games over! Adams wins!
Sabrina and Zelda jump up on the good news and high-five. The phone goes off.
SALEM
That should be Sid...and I should be booking my plastic surgeon and the next flight to the Carmen Islands. Toodles.
Salem jumps from his seat on the couch and races upstairs.
***
END CREDITS
***
Based on characters appearing in ARCHIE COMICS
Episode originally written by Laurie Gelman.
