At the coffeehouse. Hilda, the new owner, is conducting a staff meeting with Josh and Sabrina, while a mob of customers patiently wait to be served.
HILDA
As the new owner, I intend to turn Hilda’s into Boston’s premium coffee concern.
I will be totally dedicated and personally involved in every critical, coffee related, decision, from the moment we open until the moment we close.
SABRINA
You’re going to be here at five AM?
HILDA
Five AM? Who’s up and dressed by five AM?
SABRINA
Aargh, that would be our customers.
HILDA
And my life is supposed to revolve around them?
CUSTOMER #1
Hello, waiting for coffee.
HILDA
Hello, having a meeting.
JOSH
Hilda, you don’t have to be here all the time. We all take different shifts.
HILDA
I call the afternoon shift!
JOSH
You’re the owner, you can take whatever shift you want.
HILDA
Already, you are becoming my favourite employee. I’m promoting you to manager.
SABRINA
He is the manager.
CUSTOMER #1
Could somebody manage to make me a grande-latte?
HILDA
Pipe-down Frankie, you should be home with your family having breakfast.
SABRINA
(to customer) Look, I’ll make you a latte and argh...just for your patience, I’ll throw in a free scone.
CUSTOMER #1
Listen, don’t bother, I’m out o’ here. I’m going to the cafe down the block where they, not only, advertise coffee, they sell it. (exits)
SABRINA
(calling) Wait, come back! (looks over to see her aunt sample a brownie and put it back in the jar) Or better yet, take me with you!
***
OPENING CREDITS
***
HILDA
Four bucks for a cup of coffee? These prices are outrageous. (to Sabrina) What am I paying you?
SABRINA
Minimum wage.
Hilda-
Oh! Hilda’s getting a beamer.
JOSH
Hilda, argh normally, at the end of the day, we split the money in the tip-jar. Is that OK with you?
HILDA
Absolutely, I can always use extra cash. (takes the tip jar and walks off)
SABRINA
Er, a few things you should know about my aunt. She’s insane, she’s insane and oh yeah, she’s insane.
JOSH
She’s just new. It’ll take her a few weeks to learn the ropes, but while she’s learning, I could think of something that would soften the blow.
SABRINA
Taking the next few weeks off?
JOSH
Aargh, I was thinking more along the lines of dinner, Saturday night?
SABRINA
Josh, how can I put this?
JOSH
How about ‘Sounds great Josh, I’d love to go’?
SABRINA
Look, I made up my mind when I started college that I was gonna try dating new people.
JOSH
So date new people. Hi, I’m Irvin, have we met?
SABRINA
Look Irving, nice to meet you but could you please tell Josh it ain't gonna happen?
JOSH
Why not? What, you don’t think we’d have fun?
SABRINA
Josh, the point is we have history. There are bound to be feelings and emotions and that could lead to something serious.
JOSH
I’m asking you for a date Sabrina, not to pick out a house and names for the kids.
SABRINA
Good, ‘cause I am too young to commit to the two storey Victorian with the big back yard for little Courtney and Todd.
JOSH
Todd? You’d name a kid Todd?
SABRINA
(sighs) The point is, I dated the same guy all through high school. I owe it to myself to experience something new.
HILDA
Let’s move it flunkies. I’m not paying you people minimum wage to sit around and yak.
SABRINA
(to Josh) So, are we still friends?
JOSH
Right, friends.
MORGAN (approaching, as Sabrina walks away)
Someone looks down, is everything OK?
JOSH
Yeah, I guess.
MORGAN
I am sure that it’s nothing that a double mochaccino can’t cure. Come on, I’m buying.
JOSH
It’s on the house.
HILDA
In your dreams, Bean Boy. (to Morgan) Four bucks.
***
Zelda comes out of a building at the exterior of Adam's College, accidently bumping into Miles, who is carrying a pile of books, as she does so.
ZELDA
Oh!
MILES
Oh! (bends down to pick up books; notices Zelda's legs) Wow! Nice... footwear!
ZELDA
Thank you. I wasn’t sure if open toes were too bold for the academic environment.
(leans down to help him)
MILES
Oh no, I like open toes. Open toed shoes. I like shoes in general. I mean I don’t have a shoe fetish or anything. I also like socks...but not with sandals.
ZELDA
(stands) You sure have a lot of books Miles.
MILES
You know my name?
ZELDA
You’re in my physics class.
MILES
Yes. Yes I am and may I say that I’m flattered and impressed that out of all those students you’ve remembered my name.
ZELDA
You’re also Sabrina’s room-mate. (pats him on the shoulder as she walks on)
MILES
Good point, I am her room-mate. I mean we don’t actually live in the same room, it’s strictly platonic.
ZELDA
Yes, I’m familiar with the situation. I’ll see you in class Miles.
MILES
Right! That’s me, Miles.
***
Sabrina and Roxie are walking together to class on another side of the college.
ROXIE
So let me get this straight. The problem is you like a guy who likes you but you don’t wanna date him because the relationship has potential?
SABRINA
Exactly. Next thing you know, we’re boyfriend and girlfriend and I can kiss dating other guys goodbye.
ROXIE
Please tell me this is not the worst problem you’ve ever had?
SABRINA
So not. The worst was when Harvey and Josh were fighting over me...but you probably don’t wanna hear about that.
ROXIE
And yet, it’s already too late.
***
As Sabrina and Roxie walk through an interior passageway at the college, still on their way to class, they pass two boys. One of the boys, Pete, approaches Sabrina.
PETE
Hey Sabrina. Hey. Hi, I’m...I’m Pete, from your English Lit. class. I was wondering if you’d er if you’d like to um...
ROXIE
(interrupting) Grade your pick-up line? ‘D’ minus.
SABRINA
That wasn’t a pick-up line.
PETE
Oh actually it was. Do you argh, do you wanna' go to a movie Saturday night?
SABRINA
Oh well Pete, you know I...I’d love to go out with you but I’ve got plans.
ROXIE
What plans? You told me you weren’t doing anything
SABRINA
Well, I said that because I didn’t want you to feel bad because my plans didn’t include you.
ROXIE
Oh really, when were you gonna tell me?
PETE
Hello? Hi, argh, I’m the one being rejected here.
SABRINA
Sorry, thanks for asking. (Pete walks off with the dignity he has left)
ROXIE
So what are you doing Saturday night?
SABRINA
Nothing. Wanna come along?
ROXIE
Hold on a second. Although I’m flattered, didn’t you just say you wanted to date new people? What’s wrong with Pete?
SABRINA
I couldn’t date that guy, did you see what he was wearing?
ROXIE
Two dimples and perfect teeth?
SABRINA
A white shirt. Who wears white after Labour Day?
ROXIE
You know, for a girl who wants to date different people, you sure are picky. The guy at the pizza place was too tall, the guy at the student union was too tanned.
SABRINA
I just don’t like that whole tall, dark, handsome thing. Besides, I don’t see you going out with a whole lot o’ guys.
ROXIE
I don’t see a whole lot o’ guys asking me. (a guy walks past and eyes Roxie) What's your problem, loser?
SABRINA (sarcastic)
I can’t imagine why.
***
Sabrina enters hers and Roxie's room at the college house, sitting on her bed and nearly squashing Salem, who is lying under the covers.
SALEM
Ah-chew! (Sabrina throws the cover off him) So much for my afternoon nap.
SABRINA
Salem, what are you doing in my bed? I told you never to sleep in my bed.
SALEM
You say a lot of things sweetheart. What’s eatin’ ya?
SABRINA
I’m in crisis, I’m way to picky about guys. I wanna date but I just can’t get myself to say yes and the thought of putting myself out there again is scary.
SALEM
Try a dating spell, it worked for me when I was a strapping young hunk. Believe it or not, when it comes to the fairer sex, I’m rather shy.
SABRINA
Is that why you had four different species slap you with a restraining order? I promised myself I wouldn’t use magic to solve every little problem.
SALEM
Great! Then Saturday night we can rent ‘Steel Magnolias’ and you can give me a flea dip. Later. (jumps off the bed and heads for the window)
SABRINA
(as Salem is gone) I need a dating spell and I need it fast. (sits down at her desk) I’ve been meaning to use my new magic CD-ROM anyway. (puts in a CD-rom) OK, here we go. ‘D’s. Dakaries, dandruff, dates! (it starts raining literal dates) OK, wrong kind o’ dates. Here we go, Dating.
This time when she activates the spell, a suited man magically appears in front of her.
ROGER
Oh hey, Sabrina Spellman, I’m Roger Lodge. Word has it that you want a date.
SABRINA
Wow, this eight-point-O version works really fast.
ROGER
Having trouble finding guys who wanna go out with you?
SABRINA
No, I’ve got plenty of guys. I just can’t bring myself to say yes.
ROGER
Please tell me that’s not your biggest problem?
SABRINA
Actually, people saying that is my biggest problem.
ROGER
Okay, here’s your spell. ‘The guys who ask Sabrina out are tired of waiting, from now on Sabrina will say yes to dating’. (gestures at Sabrina) OK, you’re good to go.
SABRINA
Roger that...Roger.
***
Miles and Zelda are alone in the physics classroom. Miles has just finished solving a complicated scientific equation. Zelda watches with a keen eye.
MIELS
‘V’ is volume, ‘T’ is Calvin temperature and ‘K’ is the constant dependent on the number of holes and the pressure of the gas.
ZELDA
My goodness, I was four hundred and six before I grasped that concept.
MILES
What?
ZELDA
I said, out of four hundred and six students, you’re the only one who grasped that concept.
MILES
I love this stuff. I eat, sleep and breath thermo-dynamics. When the other kids were playing with Lego, I was building my first cyclotron.
ZELDA
There’s nothing more exciting than your first particle-accelerator.
MILES
Oh yes there is, meeting someone whose eyes don’t glaze over when I talk.
ZELDA
Been there. Miles, I’m considering having a private study group at the house, for my more advanced students. Would you be interested in something like that?
MILES
Very interested.
ZELDA
I think we should keep it small.
MILES
I agree, intimate is better.
ZELDA
What about you and me...
MILES
Perfect!
ZELDA
...and Adam and Jenny? Oh dear, my only free night is Saturday night.
MILES
Saturday’s my only free night too, another thing we have in common. I guess it was meant to be.
ZELDA
Would you mind telling Adam and Jenny?
Miles is daydreaming; he and Zelda being married by the Justice of the Peace...
JUSTICE OF THE PEACE
And do you, Miles, promise to love, honour and cherish Professor Spellman until alien forces take over the planet and harvest you for food?
MILES
(takes Zelda's hand) I do.
ZELDA
You do?
We cut back to the present, in the physics classroom.
MILES
I mean...I will...tell Adam and Jenny. They’re in my next wedding night...I mean... class.
Shaking Zelda's hand, he walks out of the classroom.
***
In the corridor between the classes, Miles walks by Adam and Jenny.
MILES
Hey Adam, hey Jenny.
ADAM
Hey Miles, what’s happenin’?
MILES
Absolutely nothing that concerns you. (walks on with a broad smile; passes Sabrina and Roxie) Hi ladies, gorgeous day.
ROXIE
It’s raining you freak. (ignoring Roxie's comment, Miles continues on) What’s with alien boy? He’s way too happy.
SABRINA
Maybe his Mr. Spock ears finally came in the mail.
JOE
Heads up!
Sabrina swings around just in the nick of time to catch a football which was almost about to crash on her head.
JOE
Nice catch.
SABRINA
Yeah, I’m here on a football scholarship.
JOE
Then I look forward to the next huddle. In the meantime um would you like to go out Saturday night?
ROXIE
(to Sabrina) What do you have? Some sort of a magical spell?
SABRINA
Yeah right, good one. (turning back to Joe) Aargh, look, I’m flattered but at this point in my life, I just have to say...(the dating spell kicks in)...yes!
JOE
Excellent. Um, do you like sushi?
SABRINA
I love sushi!
ROXIE
(under her breath to Sabrina) You hate sushi.
SABRINA
Pick me up at nine?
JOE
Sure. (takes his football and walks on)
ROXIE (as Joe is gone)
Well you’ve done a one-eighty. You actually decided to say yes to a date.
SABRINA
I realised I had nothing to lose by seeing what’s out there and making an informed, intelligent choice. (spots Pete, and runs over to him again) Oh! Yo-yo Pete! Look, I’m available for Saturday night if you still wanna go out?
PETE
But I thought you had big plans to do nothing?
SABRINA
Oh that’s just an expression. Pick me up at Seven?
PETE
Yeah great, see you Saturday. (walks off and Sabrina turns to Roxie)
ROXIE
You told Joe to pick you up at nine!
SABRINA
Oh, good point. (calling back to Pete) Make it six! (to Roxie) And that way I can still fit in...hey, you! (runs after another guy)
***
Hilda walks over to a customer on the lounge at the coffeehouse.
HILDA
Excuse me, you have been here for three hours. You have paid for one cup of coffee and had six glasses of free water. (takes the glass)
CUSTOMER #2
Which reminds me, where’s the bathroom?
HILDA
At your house! And take some of these other free-loaders with you. (he and several others leave) And from now on, water’s a buck a glass! (approaches Josh at the counter) You know what Josh? I think I’m getting ripped-off. The old owner said he had a lot of business.
JOSH
The old owner did.
HILDA
At this rate I’ll be chapter eleven by the end of the week.
JOSH
If you’re lucky. Half the customers have already switched to the French Roast Cafe.
HILDA
I never liked the French. Look, we’re not dead yet, we just have to figure out angle to win the customers back. What was the angle when the place first opened?
JOSH
Aargh...the owner was nice.
HILDA
We’re dead. There has to be another way...I know! We’ll have a marketing blitz. We’ll give away key-chains, coasters! Fly-swatters! Not the good ones.
JOSH
(interrupts) Hilda, why don’t you just dress up some poor shmo like a giant cappuccino and parade him up and down the street?
***
On the street outside the coffeehouse, Hilda stands by Josh as he is dressed up like a giant cappuccino promoting the coffeehouse.
HILDA
What? It was your idea. (Josh shakes his head)
***
Outside on the front porch outside the college house, Sabrina and Pete return from their date.
SABRINA
This was fun, Paul.
PETE
Yeah, it’s Pete.
SABRINA
Are you sure? (withdraws a notebook from her purse) Oh yep, six PM, Pete, you’re right.
PETE
Are you dating a Paul too?
SABRINA
Um, two Paul’s and a John Paul but not the one you’re thinking of, but if his eminence does call, I am free Thursday night. Gotta go. (steps inside the house)
Roxie is chatting up Bob, the next date Sabrina has booked in.
SABRINA
Oh, hi Dave.
BOB
It’s Bob.
SABRINA
Right, Bob, the psyche major.
BOB
Actually I’m a statistics major.
ROXIE (under her breath to Sabrina)
With a minor in boredom.
SABRINA
OK, well give me sixty point two five seconds, I just gotta grab a sweater.
BOB
No problem, it’ll give Roxie and me a chance to finish our discussion of census taking procedures in post war Denmark.
ROXIE
I’d love to but...nobody should have to pick out a sweater alone. (follows Sabrina in their room) What do you think you’re doing?
SABRINA
Combining fashion and function. This works much better than the sweater.
ROXIE
Two days ago you didn’t wanna' go near a guy, now you’re going on twelve dates a night and I’ve become your social secretary? By the way, Tad called. He’s running a tad late. Another one.
SABRINA
I don’t get it, first you criticise me for being picky, then you criticise me for going out? I think you just like to criticise.
ROXIE
Sabrina, when you go out with each guy for only ten minutes, how do you even know who they are?
SABRINA
Who cares? The point is I’m dating. Just like you said I should.
ROXIE
Fine. Do what you want but I’m not taking anymore messages. (the phone rings; she answers it) Hello? No, she’s not here. (hangs up)
SABRINA
Who was that?
ROXIE
My mother.
***
Miles walks into the Spellman living room, only to find Zelda smoothing her hose along her leg in the light.
MILES (approaching)
Mrs. Spellmanson. (Zelda gets a shock) I mean Miss Spellman.
ZELDA
Oh Miles, you scared me.
MILES
Sorry, I have that affect on a lot of people.
ZELDA
You’re the first one here. As soon as Adam and Jenny arrive, we can begin.
MILES
Oh, Jenny and Adam called and said they’d be a little late. I guess not everyone’s as dedicated to science as we are.
ZELDA
Oh, well I suppose we could begin without them. I guess you’ll have the leg-up. (pause as she turns to the blackboard set up) Let’s discuss the concept of gravity.
MILES
Ah, the irresistible force that draws two bodies together. I love gravity. Is there a Mr. Spellman?
ZELDA
You mean daddy? Oh, you mean...no there isn’t. But let’s just stick to the subject at hand.
MILES
You do have beautiful hands, and look...we both have slender pinkies.
ZELDA
So we do. (trying to change the subject) Anyway...
MILES
(interrupts) May I call you Zelda?
ZELDA (sternly)
No.
***
Back on the street outside the coffeehouse, Josh, still dressed as the cappuccino, is standing by Hilda. The promotion isn't turning out the way she'd hoped.
JOSH
I feel like a complete dork!
HILDA
Well of course you feel like a dork, you’re a cappuccino without any foam. (puts some "foam" on Josh's head) Now hit it!
Josh's figure in the cappuccino starts dancing and singing...
JOSH (singing)
Come to Hilda’s coffee house,
she roasts the finest beans.
Come to Hilda’s coffee house,
she’s no longer mean.
(some passers give him a funny look)
Come to Hilda’s coffee house,
she’s super-dooper nice...(stopping singing) Hilda! This is ridiculous. You’re song is so stupid!
HILDA
You are one bitter cup of coffee. (to the population) Hey, where are you going? He hasn’t even done the thing with the spoon yet.
JOSH
They’re all going to the French Roast Cafe.
HILDA
Oh come on people, give me a break. No one's ruder than the French! Of course my father. (some people stop and start laughing) He’s so rude, he makes the French look like the Swiss. (as more people surround her; the laughter grows as she continues) Oh and speaking of the Swiss, what’s the deal with the cheese? If those are air-holes, what’s living in there? Am I right? And what’s with the Swiss army? How can they defend an entire nation with those teeny little red knives? I got a million of them but I left them in there. At Hilda’s, where every latte comes with a laugh and free water...well just the first glass. Come and join me won't you? (the crowd start filing into the coffeehouse)
***
On the front porch of the college house, Sabrina is returning from yet another date, this time with Joe.
SABRINA
Well this was fun, I’ve never been to a bowling alley that served sushi before.
JOE
I’m up scoring and the yellow tail’s always fresh.
SABRINA
This has been one of the best bowling and fish dates I’ve ever been on.
JOE
Look Sabrina, I really like you.
SABRINA
And I really like bowling and fish, so this date worked out perfectly.
JOE
No, I mean this is like one of the best first dates I’ve ever had and um...I’m really looking forward to a second?
SABRINA
Oh, well it’s gonna' be a while. See, I’m still on my cycle of first dates. (Joe gives her a look) Well it’s only fair that I date everybody once before I start on round two.
JOE
Everybody? Round two? What is this, the Sabrina open?
SABRINA
Exactly, I’m open to dating anyone who asks. Oh by the way, tell your room-mate, racket-ball and Mongolian barbeque sounds perfect. Thanks for a great evening Jim.
JOE
It’s Joe.
SABRINA
I’ve gotta' get name-tags. (she enters the college house)
Salem is on skateboard and comes flying towards Sabrina as she walks in.
SALEM
Hey Spellman, do you wanna' watch me drop in on a half-pipe?
SABRINA
No, but I do wanna' thank you for introducing me to that dating spell that’s working out great.
She takes off her jacket, and dropping her purse, she bends down to get it...but something strange happens to her neck – it extends like a jack-in-the-box! At first Sabrina doesn't seem to be aware of the change.
SALEM
Yeah well before you step out with Manny, Mo and Jack, you might wanna' stop by ‘Pet-Boys’ for an alignment.
SABRINA
What are you talking about? (looks at her reflection in a tray) What’s wrong with me?
SALEM
Big picture, you’re obsessive-compulsive but the immediate problem requires a seasoned chiropractor.
Sabrina pushes her neck back in place and holds it.
SABRINA
It must be that stupid dating spell...or maybe I’ve got to start bowling with a lighter ball. I’ve gotta get this spell off right away. (goes over to her laptop; starts typing with one hand) Roger, are you there?
ROGER (appearing on the computer screen)
I’m on it Sabrina. ’Poor Sabrina’s not looking well, so quickly remove this dating spell.
He tries casting a spell, but it doesn't seem to mend Sabrina's neck.
SABRINA
Nothing’s happened! What am I going to do?
SALEM
Do what you always do. Go crying to your aunties to bail you out, boo-hoo-hoo! Help me aunties! Ha-ha-ha! (Sabrina zaps him to go flying on his skateboard and there is a crash as he lands outside on the porch)
SABRINA (typing with one hand as she holds her neck in place)
I’m an independent woman, I don’t need my aunts for help. Yeah, this is easy. All right, head misalignment. Go to aunts for help’ Boo-hoo-hoo!
***
Zelda has sat Miles down on the couch.
ZELDA
Miles, you and I are not involved, nor will we ever be involved, capich?
MILES
love it when you speak Italian. Admit it my Mamazelda, you feel an urge for little Milo too.
ZELDA
(pushing him away) Unless you’re talking about the urge to toss you out on your canolli, I feel nothing of the kind.
Sabrina enters through the front door, still holding her neck in place. She is unaware of Miles' presence.
SABRINA
Aunt Hilda! Aunt Zelda! Look! (she releases her hand)
MILES
Sabrina?
SABRINA
Whoops! I’ll just be in the kitchen trying to straighten myself out. (runs into the kitchen)
MILES
Did I just see Sabrina’s head sliding off her body?
ZELDA
(ushering Miles to the door) You poor dear, those over zealous hormones are causing you to hallucinate.
MILES
Is that, in any way, attractive to you?
ZELDA
No.
***
Sabrina is using the wall in the kitchen to aid her quest in keeping her head in the normal position. As Zelda enters, after having exited Miles, she assumes over the job.
ZELDA
Good lord Sabrina, what’s going on?
SABRINA
I have no idea. Salem convinced me to put a dating spell on myself and it was going great until my neck turned into a slinky! I removed the spell but it just keeps getting worse.
ZELDA
Here, hold this.
Sabrina holds her neck, as Zelda turns away and zaps up a scarf, tying it around Sabrina's neck.
ZELDA
Sabrina, when a witch is misaligned, it’s rarely caused by a problematic spell. It usually signals a deeper problem that was there before the spell was incanted.
SABRINA
Great, why couldn’t I take after the mortal side? Their worst ailment is an occasional hive.
ZELDA
There, that ought to hold you until we figure out what’s wrong.
SABRINA
A nice look for winter, but not great with a bikini.
ZELDA
Sabrina, why did you need a dating spell? You’ve never had trouble getting dates before?
SABRINA
The spell wasn’t to help me get dates, it was to make me more comfortable accepting them.
ZELDA
Well what do you think made you uncomfortable in the first place?
SABRINA
I have no idea.
ZELDA
Well, there’s only one way to find out. We’ve got to get to the heart of the matter.
SABRINA
Oh, no! You’re not going to open me up like you did last Valentine’s Day are you?
ZELDA
No need to, today’s technology is more sophisticated. (zaps an x-ray screen in front of Sabrina's chest; and stops before she activates it) Ooops! I almost forgot.
She zaps on herself the appropriate clothing for a medical examination (a lead-lined apron). On the x-ray screen a visual of Sabrina's ribs, spine, hip and rapidly beating heart appears.
SABRINA
Hey, look! There’s that nickel I swallowed when I was six.
ZELDA
Heart, speak!
SABRINA'S HEART
It’s not that I don’t want to date again someday.
SABRINA
(interrupts) Well why are you taking your time? You’ve been moping around all summer.
ZELDA
Let the heart finish.
SABRINA'S HEART
Thank you. I haven’t been moping, I’ve been healing.
SABRINA
Well the best way to heal is to get back on the horse.
SABRINA'S HEART
Don’t play head games with me. I’m not ready to get back on the horse, I’m still recovering from the last ride.
ZELDA
Sabrina, its obvious what’s going on here. Your head and your heart are conflicted.
SABRINA
She did it!
SABRINA'S HEART
It's not my fault!
ZELDA
That dating spell caused your head to block out what your heart was feeling and that’s why you became misaligned.
SABRINA'S HEART
Are you finally ready to consider my feelings?
SABRINA
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You hearts, always with the feelings.
SABRINA'S HEART
Well I can’t go out just for the sake of going out. I’ve gotta feel something.
SABRINA
Well how will I know when you do?
SABRINA'S HEART
I’ll give you a little thump. (Zelda zaps the x-ray machine and her clothing away)
ZELDA
Well, let’s see if that little talk did the trick.
Sabrina's neck stays in normal position when Zelda removes the scarf.
SABRINA
I can’t believe it! Aunt Zelda, I’m realigned!
ZELDA
Course you are, you’re no longer blocking out the feelings in your heart.
SABRINA
I’m glad...but do you have anything to block out the stomach? I think that yellow tails starting to swim up-stream.
***
Sabrina walks onto the porch outside the college house only to bump into Josh, who is sitting on the porch-swing chair.
SABRINA
Hey Josh. Man, am I glad to see you. I’ve had the craziest day. (sits)
JOSH
It couldn’t have been crazier than mine. Your aunt dressed me up like a giant cappuccino.
SABRINA
That’s nothing, you should see the time she dressed me up like a giant pina coloda.. It took me a week to get the coconut out of my hair.
JOSH
I’m surprised to find you home so early. I thought you’d be out dating around.
SABRINA
Ah, dating around is highly over rated. All that ‘What d’you wanna do?’ ‘I don’t know what d’you wanna do?’ stuff.
JOSH
Yeah. Yeah it’s so great when you meet someone you connect with and you don’t have to go on a bunch of pointless dates.
SABRINA
I think I’m beginning to agree with you. (feels that 'thump' from her heart) Whoa!
JOSH
What’s wrong?
SABRINA
Nothing.
Morgan comes out from the front door dressed elegantly. Josh stands and sides with her.
MORGAN
I’m ready to go, Josh.
SABRINA
Oh, you and Morgan are...(feels another thump from her heart)...aw!
JOSH
Are you sure you’re OK? Maybe I should call a doctor...
MORGAN
But we’ll be late for the movie.
SABRINA
Yeah, I’ll be fine. I should probably just cut back on the fries.
MORGAN
You do that. (turning to Josh) I, um...I guess we should get going.
JOSH
Yeah. By the way, you look beautiful. It’s a great necklace.
SABRINA
Thank you, it’s mine!
MORGAN
I...I hope you don’t mind me borrowing.
SABRINA
Huh, it looks like I have no choice.
JOSH (to Sabrina)
So, argh...I guess we’ll catch up some other time?
SABRINA
Great.
JOSH/MORGAN
Bye. (walk off arm in arm, Sabrina watches them go with a fake smile)
SABRINA (in reference to her heart)
You know, you have really stinky timing.
***
At the coffeehouse, Hilda is standing at the front with a microphone. She is telling jokes to the customers.
HILDA
Oi! Aargh, two blondes walk into a building. You’d think one of them would have seen it. I’m killing. No, I did want to apologies for being rude earlier. I guess I just had a case of new-job jitters. Have you ever been on a job interview and they’re like ‘Well what was the reason for leaving your last job?’ Well I found that after I was fired, there was a lot of tension in the office. I found it difficult sitting on the new girls lap.
CUSTOMER #2
I once had a job as a receptionist. I was so nervous, I kept answering the phone ‘Hello, can you help me?’
HILDA
Oh, I like that. Hey, why don’t you come up here so we can laugh at you some more? (approaching the customer) No, in fact, why don’t we turn this into an open mic night? (mumbling) If you’ve got a joke or a song? Anything that’ll pack them in here and get me that beamer.
***
END CREDITS
***
Based on characters appearing in ARCHIE COMICS
Episode originally written by Suzanne Gangursky
